There is a difference- bad memories make me scared. Or angry. Good memories are bittersweet and they make me melancholy. Because I wish he was in my life. It is hard to remember him vividly, his sweet kisses and tender touches, and love him more and more but not want him with me.
I wish he was here with me. Two people who love each other should be together, and I know he loves me. But I have a hard time with certain things, and I try so hard to see them from a "higher perspective." Like I tell myself when he reaches out to me it might not necessarily be because he can open the door to contact yet but he is showing me that he's out there still. Letting me know he does think of me and wants me and is doing what he can to let me know this can still change.
I do appreciate that but I need more. I need more. I want to talk to James like I can any other person in my life. I know he loves me. I know he is a good man.
And honestly, if you hadn't noticed by now, I write here to keep my sanity. Because I swear I know what is happening. I know what I've done to get me right where I am and all I want more than anything in the whole wide world is to change it.
Quickly.
Quickly because no matter what I do he is on my mind as long as I am awake and it is very challenging to deal with. I'm so emotionally exhausted guys. Not for any reason besides I am wiped out from missing him. And hoping. And feeling like I am supposed to be working at it. Which makes me believe he will be back but then I hope he will be back and... disappointment is a killer. So when he reaches out and I hope and hope that I will continue to hear from him but then I don't I get disappointed. Simply because I want to talk with him so much.
Same old shit I know. But I ache. I ache. I am restless, so restless. I remember him so vividly. I remember him here recently kissing me and commenting on my galaxy tights and asking me, "Can we take these off?" LOL. *sigh* I want him back so bad. He is so sweet and tender and lovely. It feels so much better being with him. I wish so badly he could come back soon. Reach out to me
I had not had a dose of the "real" James in a long time before he got here a few months ago. It was so nice to see him but what you might not be able to understand is it was a fucking relief to "feel" the James I knew again, to a point. The James I know he is is way more talkative and open but still he was gentle and smiley and cute, and he felt way more like himself. I had not felt that for so long.
And NOW AGAIN I am dying to hear from him again. The real him. Truth. My sweet loving friend who loves me. I can't stand it I want to talk with him again. Really him. The man I dated. The man I know loves me and wants me in his life.
I just pray that God helps me through this because I feel like I am getting through day by day. Like right now I am so damn tired and I still need to go home and be a mom but I'm drained. Dealing with emotions is... wuthering.
I wish I could turn down my heart.
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