Okay I keep reminding myself that all day on Saturday I will be doing X-Files events along with my little "Dark Vader" because PJ is dressing as Darth Vader and we will be meeting Gillian Anderson and getting her autograph and that starts at 11AM then all throughout the day it will be more autographs and photos and then the panel to wrap it all up. Very exciting and I want to... enjoy anticipating it. I am thankful I have the means to do this! I really am.
Still though I miss James so much! I keep telling myself, come on! Be happy! And I don't want to sound like a party pooper or someone who does not count her blessings. I honestly am thankful for all I have and the fun stuff we do. I am thankful for all that I have and I am thankful that I really always have everything I need when it comes to home and money and job and health. But I still miss the love of my life. I am kind of lonely, lonely without James. I miss him with all of my heart. I do wish something could come along and erase how much I ache for him but I don't think that is possible. I really wish he was back with me how I had him before. My love.
I don't listen to country music much anymore. I used to but lost interest a while ago. Today though on my way to work this song above played on the "Velvet" XM radio station and it hit me hard. I have not heard it in a long time but it reminds me of how it felt with James. Our kisses. Spending time together and how good it felt being in each others arms. Not wanting to part. Never wanting to hang up. Always wanting to talk to each other. *sigh*
We had a great date in Chicago right before he left. And I remember I asked him if he could stay overnight with me. James always insisted on ample amounts of "pillow talk" time where after making love we'd cuddle and talk. He told me he did not want to make love if we did not have that time afterwards to be close and snuggle. Pillow talk. So I asked him as we were cuddling if he could stay but he said not that night but sometime soon he would stay over. But, you know, he was gone soon after that.
I'd give almost anything to have him sleep with me all night long and wake together, snuggled up and cuddled up. Always. Every night. My heart. My poor heart can barely handle this. I would have been okay on my way to work today had I not heard this song. I, of course, bawled. Had to take off my glasses because I fogged them all up from my hot tears. And fuck me I am having one of those days where I keep wanting to cry. And I don't like that. I wish he was here so the tears could be gone now.
I don't even know what to do with this feeling, this overwhelming feeling of I WANT JAMES IN MY LIFE. I know he is meant to be here. HE himself emailed me not long ago and told me he wants to be with me and YES he loves me! I know he loves me and I know he wants to be with me so I wish he was here. He told me to accept it, and I DO accept it. I want only him. I know he is a good man, and I know he loves me and wants a life with me. And YES I will admit it is not easy when I get messages like that and then continued quiet. It freaks me out and I lose focus. I want him back NOW. Right NOW. I want everything with him all the time. I've never loved another man even close to how I love James, not even close.
I want to scream and cry. I actually do scream and cry out how much I miss him because I feel like I could die with how bad I hurt inside, how deeply I ache for him. I just want him back with me. Forever. I want us together, a family. But I know I have to get through the silence even if it means missing him this much. I have to deal with the quiet while I continue to do my "work" and I am. I am doing what I can.
But I want him back with me. I want to be on the other side of all of this, with him back in my life and my arms, as part of my family. Like we talked about. I want the dreams we talked about. I want to look into his eyes while we exchange our wedding vows like he said the night he left. The night he said it was not really goodbye. He said that. He asked me if I was going to look into his eyes when we exchange our vows. YES- I want that. I want to look into his beautiful blue eyes while I tell him that I want to be with him FOREVER. I want to be his forever. My heart already belongs to him but I want him here with me now.
I wish that could happen now. I do my private writings. I honestly do work at this because I feel it is the only way to make this happen, watching my energy closely, working to shift it back to only love and truth. I had a "stranger thing" happen to me the other day. It was just so odd, something to do with my phone, like a tech glitch but it had to do with him. And I showed my roommate so she could actually see this one {because these things happen often} and she agreed- not an accident, and yes strangely divine. But why? Well I think, and hope, it was a "gentle" nudge because my thoughts that morning were not the best. And maybe, just maybe, this was showing me to keep my thoughts on track.
At least I hope so because these things happen but I don't always know why. I often make some stupid choice and then realize I missed all the signs "guiding" me not to make the choice so now I am trying so hard to be pro-active and watch my thoughts, words and actions so I don't do anything stupid to keep he farther away from me.
But I wish it was faster. I wish I saw quicker results. Although YES I am thankful for the "signs" or messages I have received because they let me know he is still out there, and I know he wants to be with me. And I hope those signs and messages keep coming. But I ache because I want him here with me. I keep hearing this song...
And I really do hope it is a message from James through spirit telling me to please always remember that he loves me because I do hurt. I feel just like this song says. Lonely. Sad. I ache to the depths of my soul. And maybe he wants to remind me that he does love me even if he is not here right now. Even if I hurt. And it hurts. Being with him feels good. It felt so so good being with him. Seeing him again recently felt good too, while he was here. WHILE HE WAS HERE IN MY ARMS it felt good. Do you understand? I want him IN my life. To stay, always. Completely and fully. I want a relationship with him. A marriage. I wish for that with all my heart. I dream of it. I want to marry him and dance with him and hold him in my arms and be so thankful to be through all of this and to have him back with me.
Ugh, and I will write it here because I have to so I don't lose my composure. And if I avoid my feelings then I will lose focus. And I don't want to push this away over and over again. Or turn from him in my energy. I just want to allow it to happen now.
I love him so much. It was bliss when he was in my life. I want him and his sweet love back in my life for always. But I don't know if I am "doing" things right and then I get kind of freaked out, and right now I feel like that. Like I am not sure if I am focusing on the "right" stuff or not. I AM thankful for all I have and my blessings. Yet I am still somewhat sad because I miss James and I want him here with me. And it almost makes me not want to focus at all. Not out of not wanting to but because I get confused. I know I love him. I know he is a good man. I am very thankful that he was in my life, here in a real-life relationship with me human being to human being. I love him and my human friend and soul connection, and I believe he loves me but I also miss him and it aches, and I'm just not sure what to do with all of it. I am grateful and appreciate how good he was to me. But I miss him and want him here, now. I have a lot inside me right now and I don't know how to process it all.
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