"I miss you like crazy" was sung by Natalie Cole.
"And I'll be missing you. Babe I love you" was Styx.
The list goes on and on. When we love people and they are not here we miss them. When my child is with his dad for an extended amount of time I miss him but I can pick up the phone and call him to hear his voice.
I miss James. It is pretty simple. I love him. He is not here. I wish he was here. My arms ache to hold my love. I feel we would be so much better together and that is what I believe he feels too.
I've been reading through my old guidance. It stopped coming to me directly about the end of 2014. But I was told repeatedly to love him unconditionally. To know he was helping to heal me. I was told to always remember the silence was not a bad thing, not to be hurtful but was part of the process. I was told he was sacrificing for me, to help me heal things inside me and face fears. And to love him for it. And to write write write BUT I was told "If he is written as celebrated instead of Hellish experience" then I would be on the right track.
Celebrated. As in my loving friend who was helping me and really does still love me but is doing his "job" for me. I wish I would have understood that better and followed it. I do love him so much no matter the circumstances and I believe we have a unique connection. I don't have this strong connection with anyone else but James. I'm glad it is him of all people. Only this sweet man could be my twin soul. Anyone else and I could not have handled it. Him... he is too wonderful to allow fear to steal him from me. So I keep him in my heart, my kind sweet friend.
One thing though. As I look back at what I have felt and written over these last couple years I'm not surprised he is gone. It is a humbling experience to look back and see how differently I feel now from then. I'm so aware that my own energy creates situations in my life to where I'm asking God to please just help me speak and write only goodness. No bitching. It is not necessary to complain. It takes some work let me tell you. I've bitched here on my blog too about stuff in my life but I'm trying to follow the old adage of if you can't say anything nice then STFU. I know 100% that James has shown me my shadowy energy so I can find out how to release it and not feel it any more. And I can tell you that for me I would rather be filled with love and missing someone I love than feeling a hateful anger (even just privately) because I know now what that energy could bring me and it ain't pretty. I prefer tears of "God I love you and miss you so much and wish you were back with me. I see what you are for me and I appreciate you but I miss you and wish you could come back now, Love" than feeling bitterness or resentment. I strive for peace joy and love but I really miss James a lot. But I can clearly see what energy inside of me has kept up separated. I hope I can heal that now.
I do miss him. But I'm trying to shift out of feeling anything hopeless because he has shown me he is out there, that he loves me and wants me. I know James loves me and I love his love!! I wish I was strong enough to be content just in knowing he loves me but I guess I'm human and I wish to share life with him. I love him and wish for him to be IN my life, us together. So I have hope. I miss him but I have hope. I love him so much and I would love him no matter the circumstances. I do wish to have him back in my life and as my twin soul I believe he is meant to be back if I can keep my energy focused where it needs to be. On love and truth. But I do believe it is on me to do whatever is necessary to keep my thoughts aligned. Also in knowing he is meant to be here with me. Mine. And I'm his and only his. His love.
When you love someone you do wish to have that person near you. For now I will speak to him in spirit. Love his soul and him. Celebrate our good memories. But I miss him and my heart does ache for my sweet friend. I wish he could be back in my life soon. He is my biggest dream and I'm holding on to my dream.
So funny. I don't talk to men except necessity like at work but I really don't like or want male attention unless it is from James. I don't text or connect with guys at all. It is just not a good thing. I've pretty much cut off any old contacts I had, just because. But there is one old friend I have had a hard time gently cutting off. Because I feel kind of bad for him. I've never met him but I've known him for like... ever. College so like 1993? He knows how I feel- I love James and talk to no one else. So if he is going to say hello it had to be only friendly. Only. He said hello today and told me that oddly he dreamed of me and my son (although he has never met us but he has seen FB pictures.) We were together at The Hoover Dam. Looking over the dam, like on vacation and he said it was odd because he never remembers his dreams and this one was so vivid. I thought it was kind of weird but funny. He asked me "Does your son like James?" I told him yes. James was kind to my son. Took us out and was so friendly to PJ. And he brought PJ Pop Rocks which was my son's first experience with Pop Rocks back then, and kids remember. PJ remembers James and says "He's such a nice man mommy." I said yes PJ likes James a lot and my friend said good. And he said "Well maybe He is supposed to take you and your son to the Hoover Dam."
*sniff* That's what I want so much, for James to be part of our family. It is just not a dream I can walk away from. I've never wanted anything more. He means everything to me.
No comments:
Post a Comment