You Mean The World to Me

You Mean The World to Me

Having a bit of a hard time this morning because there are some times when this all seem so unbelievable to me.  I am aching to hear from James.  It blows my mind sometimes because this is all so not "normal" and so different than most of "real life."

I want to be with James again in a loving "real life" relationship.  Really.  It is frustrating to me how badly I want to KNOW my loving friend like I used to, and I am not quite sure how to make that happen.  I want him in my arms and even to just have a conversation with him would be heaven BUT since we are all manifestors I should say what I REALLY want is it all.  All of it.  I want full union with James.  I want him to be back in my life like I had him before, fully loving me and sharing life with me, in a loving relationship with me, my adorable boyfriend who would be my future husband like we were already talking.  The one man I want to shower with ALL of my love in ALL ways, every single one.  I want to pick up where we left off back then, talking of marriage, loving each other freely and openly, always and in ALL WAYS.

THAT is what I want with him.  I want for him to be with me and stay with me forever and ever.

I understand it concerns energy and my intention and where my thoughts go, and I am trying so hard to monitor my thinking.  Honestly I don't like having to monitor my thinking but I will in order to get my twin soul back to me FOREVER.  I am willing to do pretty much anything for that.  I ache to be with him.  I keep hearing that song "I'm Just One Call Away," and it kills me.  Because I want to be able to just call James and talk to him.  I want to email him and get a response.  I want to send a text message and actually have a conversation... like fully boyfriend and girlfriend in a committed love relationship.  I want him here in my arms, on my couch, us holding each other.  I just want to hold him for a long time. Lots of hugs, real hugs.  I want TRUTH and "real."  Love.  Only love.

I want my dear loving kind friend back in my life.  The guy who made me smile and laugh all the time.  I miss his silly friendly personality.  I was reading back through my journals and I found the time when we reconnected some months after this all started.  And he emailed me and sounded like himself again.  He was talking about coming back and seeing me.  He said he wanted to come back and spend time with me, take me out, and make me laugh and see me smile again.

How sweet is that?  He said he wanted to... something about making me smile and hearing me laugh again, like he wanted to make me laugh and he wanted to see me smiling.  Because he knew I had not been smiling.  He knew, and I am certain he was unhappy about it.  But when he was able to be himself again he told me he needed to get back to his love.  He said he wanted to get back so we could discuss "what to do about our love."  He said our lovemaking was real and genuine.  He said he needed to see me.  And it was so cute and sweet because he said, "And if you still have a spark for me I want to make love with you but only if you want to, if not then we will be friends forever."

Well as if, right?  I've wanted him back with me forever so... of course I wanted to make love with him, and still do, but I love how gentle and kind he was.  Careful of my feelings.  He said he needed to take me out on a date so we could get re acclimated.  And THAT kind tender nature is James.  That is my James.  Kind, caring, compassionate and protective is him.  And I am absolutely devastated right now that he is not in my life.  I need him in my life!  I miss him so much that it hurts.

I have not heard my most important "message" song in a few weeks and I wish I would because it would calm me just a bit.  Just a tiny bit.  But I did hear one last night as I was driving home and I cried so hard.  All I want to do is love James.  It is so frustrating when all I want to do is be good and kind and loving to him.  I ache for him.  I have nothing else to say at this point!  I know he is a good man.  We were wonderful together, a pure and real and genuine love.  We should be together.  We are meant to be together.  We should be kissing every day.  I want to kiss him again so much.

Missing him this much is bittersweet.  I'd much rather have him here in my life so I no longer miss him.  I want to be able to actively love him, his human self in person.  That is what I want.  I will always love him in my heart but I am dying to have him back in my life.  And I am honestly trying on my end to do what is needed, or what I think I need to do, in order to shift this.  I know I am not perfect but I am really trying.

I do okay for a few days, like maybe I get busy or something and I am able to kinda push it to the back of my mind.  He is still in my heart but not as 100% on my mind.  But once those few days of busy are over then he is what is on my mind.  Besides my own child he is really the only thing that matters to me.  And he was gentle and kind to me.  That is reality.  Reality is he was good to me, and my son.  And I miss the dear man I dated.  I miss the man who hugged me when he met me, all sweet and adorable.  Such a good man.  I miss James.  I love him and I miss him.  I want nothing more than to have him back in my life how I knew him three years ago.  I wish he could come back to me.  I wish I knew... more.  I wish it was not so unknown.  The quiet bothers me because I feel like I am in limbo.

I've had things here and there that I know are signs but I don't always know what they mean.  All I can do is tell myself they are giving me nudges to stay on track.  To remind to me keep my thoughts in order.  To stay the course.  Not stray off.  And I understand that.  

But I miss him.  I ache to hear from him.  I am not going to lie.  I can sit here and say I understand why I don't hear from him, and really I do understand.  I have kept him away numerous ways.  I know.  But I wish that could change, like right now.  RIGHT NOW.  I wish I knew how to change that right this very moment.  *sigh*  Because even though I understand it I still miss him, drastically. I want him back with me.  And only him.  No one else.  I am so in love with him, and he is who I dream of having in my life with me and my son.

James and PJ would be so good together.  James would love my child's enthusiasm and curious personality.  PJ always wants to know more, wants to investigate, wants to build and engineer and test and create.  He has a little engineer or scientist's mind.  He is always thinking, and often outside of the box.  My son has charisma, and so does James.  They would get along well.  James would have fun with PJ, and PJ would adore being with James.  I just wish it could be soon.  It breaks my heart that... James should have been with us since three years ago.  He was so very kind to me about my son, and kind to my son.  He was a real catch.  I could not ask for a better man to have in my life, as part of my family, and I miss him so very much.