Right...

See it's memes like this that fuck me up.

THIS is what I had when I dated James.  Seriously.  It was so easy and sweet, natural.  He never made me sit around waiting to hear from him.  He always said hello.  He was respectful and kind and reassured me even when I did not ask for it.  He just knew to do so.

It felt like home being with him.  It really did.  I felt so comfortable with James.  I was excited to see him always but I never felt anxious with him.  Sometimes when I was away from him I felt anxious but that was because when I was WITH him my brain slowed down.  Kissing for hours does that to a person, quiets the fuck out of the yapping brain.  He would kiss me and my brain would melt and then I would not think about anything but him, how much I loved being close to him.  *sigh*  I always felt comfortable and safe and accepted with him.  I could tell how much he loved me and wanted to be nice to me.  He showed me that he clearly knew my worth and appreciated me.

And yes it was simple and sweet.  I felt like I could be myself.  He allowed me to be myself.  Again, it was just so easy being with him!!!  Comfortable and joyful.  Blissful.

Right.  Very very right.  And good.

It was when I was away from him that all Hell would break loose in my head and then I'd fear stupid shit, and fearing stupid shit got me right here- separated from the love of my life and feeling like Hell.  I feel like Hell.  No matter all the fun things I plan, the good people in my life, the enjoyable times I have with my child it still feels like total and complete holy Hell being apart from James.

I want back what we had, the sentiment above.  His loving reassuring sweet kind gentle nature.  Kisses and more kisses.  Tender touched.  I miss his soft friendly loving self.

I am so sad. I am so fucking sad. I miss him so much and remembering how good we were together makes me immensely sad.  And it seems there is nothing I can do to overcome that fucking sadness, and it is hard to handle.  It is so hard to handle.  I have all this great stuff in my life and I tell myself, "Buck up!  Come on!  Get on the ball.  Shake it off.  Be happy.  Count your blessings!" and I can count my blessings until I am blue in the face but I am still god damn sad from missing him.