Blessings

The One

Yeah I'm a total dork.  Another Scully & Mulder video but I LOVE this song, "The One."  Scully and Mulder are going to be at Wizard Con in Chicago over the weekend of my birthday coming up and I'd love to meet them.  OMG would I love to meet them!!!  It costs $525.00 and I have seriously thought of dipping into my Disney World fund in order to treat myself... I dunno.  It's a lot of money for a photo and autograph but it is SCULLY AND MULDER.  I'm still contemplating.  Dork or not it is my absolutely favorite show and their characters are close to my heart and I would love love love to meet them and have them sign my MA thesis {if I can find it in the house.}  If not I have loads of X-Files books at home they could sign because, again, I am a dork.

This is a great song though.  It is precious and sweet and about that one and only love.  Of course it reminds me of James.  I had no idea I was going to meet him or how important he would be to me.  Honestly.  Like this situation with him totally took me off guard.  It was not expected.  I read about all these people who know all about "twin flames" and they want to find their twin flame.  I had, in passing, heard about twin flames before I met James but I knew very little about them.  As a matter of fact, and I am embarrassed to admit this now, the man I loved before James was important to me and he sometimes knew what I was thinking and feeling and I thought maybe he was some kind of a strong "twin flame" connection to me but it was a passing thought.  I did love that man but no, he was not "The One."  After that I did not give the idea of "twin flames" another thought.  I read an article about it when I was in New Orleans the month before I started talking to James but still it never clicked.  Not once.  Not. Once.  When I met James and he told me he was Atheist, very much Atheist, it just never crossed my mind that HE of all people would be this strong strong undeniable soul connection.  I mean later I did feel he was my "soul mate" no matter what.  And he once told me he did kind of believe in souls, in a way.  He said he was spiritual in his own way, and he is.  But seriously I did not give it much thought.  I knew we had a tight tight connection and he knew things about me or could kind of "read my mind" but, lol, I was so wrapped up in HIM and how strongly I felt for him and how hard I fell in love with him that I did not pay much attention to all of the "signs."  

I remember the night he finally badgered me into reading his tarot cards.  I did not want to because I thought he was... teasing me.  But he very seriously, and with much respect, said no he was not teasing me.  He wanted to see how I did it and what his cards would say.  He was sweet.  Very kind and interested, and he took me seriously.  Well, his cards were interesting but I wish I would have read them differently.  His future card was wide open, one of the two cards in the deck that have no specific message to them.  Only a picture.  I, sadly, took it as his future was wide open but I... gosh, I felt like maybe I was holding him back from doing bigger things with his future, and I thought maybe he cards were telling me that.  I thought to myself, "Here I am a mom with a kid and here he is this single, no kids, free man who loves science and could do more than stay here with me."  Yep, that's what I thought.

And, ugh, I won't ever forget this.  Once I was done he said, "So can you pick another card, like if I have a specific question?"  And I told him sure.  He looked at me and said, "Will you ask about us?"

Us.  Will you ask about us.  And his face was SO sweet.  He has this cute gentle friendly face.  He really does, and he asked me so quietly and gently and sweetly.  So I did and I got the card, "The Blessing."  Of course, the blessing.  The cards are always right.  

My blessing.

I miss my blessing.  He is so dear to me.  Seriously.  I can't explain properly just how dear he is to me, how I cherish him.  I miss my "blessing" so much.  And here is the thing- I really feel that James felt I was a blessing to him too.  I often forget to remind myself of that fact.  Yes I know- I put him up on a pedestal but I forget to climb up there with him.  He loved me just as much as I loved him back then, and I think he looked at me and felt that he found exactly what he'd been wishing for.

Well he told me that.  He once sent me a message... and I really wish I would have believed him.  God WTF was I thinking?  He emailed me and said, "You told me you prayed for me and I came to you.  I did the same.  Well I didn't pray for you but I did wish for someone like you who would love me and accept me, who I connected perfectly with and loved and then I met you and you are that person."  And he told me he could see this progressing to marriage one day.  And he called me "Blue Moon Jenny."

He told me I was what he was looking for.  He blatantly told me that he felt strong love and marriage was the best thing on earth; he loves being in a strong loving relationship.  He said he found what he really wanted in me.  A good woman.  A strong relationship.  Lots of love.  AND he liked my child.  He really did.  I know that we were what he wanted.  Not something else, not what I feared.  He met us and felt that he found what he wanted.  Strong love, a good woman, and a family.  Possibility of a child of his own with me, and I know when he met me he felt he finally met the woman he wanted to have a baby with.  He saw me as someone he wanted to have a baby with, raise a child with, be the mother of his child.  I know it because he told me and he showed me.  

Again, WTF was I thinking?  Fear does totally bad shit. 

I miss him.  I mourn these years that we should have been together.  Years.  I can't even believe that.  I got a fortune cookie message recently for the second time.  It says, "Time is precious but truth is more precious than time," and I keep telling myself this.  Yes time has passed but I have been battling my fears and learning things that some other people are not, and it was never my intention to ever be away from him, even for one day.  I wish we had never parted.  I wish we were together now.  I love James and miss him.  What else can I say?

To me he is the most beautiful person inside and out.  He has the sweetest cutest smile.  He's adorable.  I miss everything about him, lol.  Everything.  

Blessings, we both are.