Memories

Well my birthday is getting closer.  And I'm already trying to prepare myself emotionally because it wipes me out.

Listen our loving memories are great, little jewels.  I like thinking about James and our time together but it also aches.  I cannot help that.  I remember my 40th birthday in absolute vivid details since that was the night I met James face to face, and it was one of the absolute best moments of my life.  It was an amazing first date, the best I ever had by far.  Meeting him was one awesome birthday gift.  I had been looking forward to meeting him and then when I did I nearly had to pinch myself because I was so happy and thought I might be dreaming.  I even sneaked off to the bathroom to text my friend and tell her he was fabulous, just as I thought he'd be.  Sweet and friendly and... adorable, my God is he cute.  He took my breath away and I felt very lucky and fortunate to meet him.  In a world of like 5 billion people I felt like I hit the dating lotto in somehow finding this man and making it all the way up to meeting him after hours spent on the phone and multiple emails and texting.  

Did I mention it was the best first date ever?  He walked up to me with a huge smile and hugged me and he was so nice that the thought makes me almost want to scream because I KNOW THAT IS HIM and I know he cares for me so this quiet makes me utterly insane.  That entire night is one of my most bittersweet memories.  I love the memory but it kills me inside, literally guts me.  I can't think of it without crying.  Because I miss him and I wish he was going to be with me on this upcoming birthday.  It's been very very hard handling this huge gaping hole losing him has left in my life and in my heart.  I do not handle it well.  I am sad and achy and frustrated and all I want is my Love back in my life. 

Well for this year's birthday I am meeting Scully and Mulder of The X-Files.  My son and I are going to Comic Con in Chicago and I bought a VIP pass to meet them, get an autograph and a photo, and we have guaranteed seating at their panel presentations.  Rock on.  I am so excited and I have something fun to look forward to on my birthday because the thought of another birthday like last year where I wanted to kill myself just does not fly with me.  YES I realize he loves me but not being in contact with him does not suit me well at all.  I don't like it.  I have to accept it.  I am literally forced to accept that fact that he is not physically in my life when I want him to be but I don't like it, and I can't like it.  I just can't come to a point in all of this where I am able to feel "thankful" for the silence or whatever.

I just cannot find it in myself to be that surrendered.

I want to hear from my Love.  I want him IN my life.  IN my life.  WITH me.  TOGETHER.  I wish he was going to Comic Con with me and my son instead of only the two of us.  I am tired of it being only the two of us.  I want James with us.  Look, I adore my son but I miss James.  I want him with us.  I want to share fun experiences with him.  It kills me.  It KILLS ME.  

So I splurged and bought myself this pass.  On my birthday.  So I will be meeting Scully & Mulder on my birthday and the only thing that could be better than that is... yes, you guessed it, spending my birthday in contact with James, or with James.  I wish I could have another night with him like the night I first met him.  No, I want a million nights like that with him.  Walking along together hand in hand, smiling little smiles at each other, him talking all his science talk and telling me what I would weight on the moon, being his cute little Science Trip self.  Swinging on the swings together.  Laughing.  Talking.  OMG I already loved him then.  The sensation of our hands together with him rubbing the palm of my hand with his thumb was true bliss.  I won't ever forget that night.

And his good night kiss.  *thud*  Seriously can he kiss.  He laid one on me and I was like, "Wait, what's my name again?" because I could not even think.  I could not breathe.  I actually looked at him, speechless, and leaned in for another kiss because the first one was so so so good I could not stop myself.  And we kissed for a moment until we pulled away with small shy laughs like, "Well.  So there is that, and it is GOOD!"  Ugh.  Just super duper ugh.

And then he got home and immediately text me telling me how happy he was to meet me.  He thanked me and said happy birthday again, told me he was so looking forward to seeing me again.  The entire night he was all huge smiles and friendliness and wonderful and kind and respectful and GREAT.

Perfect.

So the last two birthdays that have passed without having him in my life have really kicked the fucking snot out of me.  And I don't want that for myself this year.  My birthday is bittersweet.  Sweet because I met the love of my life, bittersweet because my heart aches for him so much that I can barely breathe.

Like right now writing this- I can barely breathe.  It aches to remember him so clearly, to imagine that intensely sweet kiss and how much I adored him that first night.  Oh my GOD!  I can barely tolerate the ache I feel remembering him, and I need help getting through it this year.  I ache so bad.

If I could choose between spending my birthday with Scully & Mulder or James, I'd choose James in a heartbeat.  I wish I could spend my birthday with him again.  And be there to tell him happy birthday the following day.  I miss him so so so much.  I miss James with everything I have inside of me.  I wish I could hear from him again NOW.  Right now.

I'm really trying to deal with this okay.  I know the man loves me.  He fell in love with me and really liked my son.  I know that after getting to know me, and knowing the mother I am, he felt that he met the woman he could be with and he saw himself with us.  He WANTED to be with us.  He was happy to think of sharing a future with us.  I know this.  And I know it did not change.  He did not really want to leave.  He'd be here if he could, and I so wish he could be.  He still wishes he could be here and he misses me.  I know that the quiet and all the stuff I have not liked is not "real."  I swear it was not what he really wanted.  He told me if he met the right woman and fell in love with her, and if she had a good family, it could be enough to make him want to stay.  And he did find the right woman, fell in love with her and I DO have a great family.  He fell in love with me and I just know I am right.  He wanted to be with us.  No question.  So it is really frustrating to be separated from him.  I do talk to him in spirit, all the time.  I write as my energy work.  But I really would love to talk to him for real now, not just through spirit or energy or through my heart.  I am human and I want HUMAN contact with my Love.

I know he cares for my son and would rather be with us, sharing life with us, than anything else.  I just know it.  I also know he is the sweet kind man I met on my 40th birthday, who treated me with utmost respect and kindness, who could not get enough of my kisses, and who came back and loved me three months ago with the same tenderness and intensity as before.  I KNOW he loves me, desires me and wants me and wants to be in my life.  So to be away from him is so painful.  James is the only man I want in my life but I do want him, now.  ASAP.  I miss him and I want him in my life.  I do want a relationship with him.  I had a relationship with him.  That is what we had- a strong romantic love relationship.  For anyone to tell me any different is wrong.  It was a relationship.  And I want a real life relationship with him again.  I want to touch him and kiss him and cook for him and climb into bed next to him and worship his sexy naked body every night.  I want a family with him.  He and PJ would be so good together.  It makes my heart ache.

I want it all, and it is making me nuts.  I don't think I have ever felt as crazy through all of this as I do right now, and it is because I want him with me so badly... I ache to know him again like I once did, truth.  Real, sweet, kind, friendly, loving.  The perfect man.

So yeah I am blessed, and I try to pass those blessings on when I can.  I am thankful for the goodness in my life.  I am thankful that I get to go to Comic Con and meet my buddies Scully & Mulder- and I am hoping to take my MA thesis with me so they can sign it, if I can find it.  PJ will have a blast.  I am going to see what super hero he wants to be so I can get the costume for him to wear that day, and I already have my "I Want to Believe" t-shirt.  

I will still keep James in my heart that day but I can't sit at home crying.  I just can't.  I don't like feeling like that.  It sucks and I don't deserve it.  I DO love him.  I think he is a great guy and I know he loves me.  He never wanted to leave me.  He wanted to stay with me and I am very sorry that he couldn't.  But that was then and this is now, and I am doing my absolute best to try and shift my shit around.  I love him to no end.  I feel like he should be here, together with me and my son.  He is the only man I want.  But I want him!!!  I wish he could actually be here, back in my life.  I try so hard to be happy but... my God nothing made me truly as happy as having James in my life, and nothing will.  Not even Scully & Mulder.  I miss my Love so much.  To me he is perfect.

Jennifer

I cannot be without you... matter of fact.