I'm actually pretty irritated and upset with myself right now for being a stubborn idiot who creates my own suffering time and again and I'm wondering if and when I will ever learn how to stop doing this. I might not be blogging for a bit while I try and regroup.
I pray so hard that our twin souls really are always with us and reunion is always possible once energy shifts. Like no matter how many times we screw up we can still clear things to make room for them to come back to us.
I'm sure it is me and my energy and I'm not sure exactly what I'm not doing right or I need to shift but it seems I must have done something that was reflected back to me in a way that makes me sad. I might know why but I don't know for sure.
Maybe I'm being shown to back off and slow down and focus on my energy. I can do my best to stay sober and also not freak out or lose faith or run away when something happens that makes me lose heart.
Also in the past when these things happen I get angry but I cannot do that now. All I get now is worried that I'm going to run out of chances. And I get terribly terribly sad when I think "Fuck I probably should not have done that," because it puts even more space and quiet between us and I honestly do love him and miss him and I ache to see him again but I'm going to have to buck up and deal with whatever comes my way. I'm pretty darn sure I create my own messes. I make my bed and now I gotta sleep in it and if much rather sleep in It with James which makes me just shake my head at myself. It is so sad. And if my poor twin soul really is out there missing me and wanting to be close to me and all I do is continue to keep him away then I feel even more horrid.
I love and miss James. I long for him so strongly. I keep hearing this song and it makes my heart both ache and melt because the time I knew James can be defined by the words of this song. He made my life such a better place when he was here. It was the absolute best time of my entire life. My only wish is to have those times back again. That sweet wonderful energy. The joy and gentleness and having such an absolutely wonderful boyfriend, lover and friend in my life. I was entirely blessed when he was here. Fully and completely. He was a huge gift in my life. I've missed my gem every day since he has been gone. The regret I feel knowing that man actually wanted to stay with me and make a life with me but it is nearly three years later and I still have not managed to fix this is huge. HUGE regret. And I must keep my ego in check. I may not feel like I asked for this experience but I'm in it and I love this man enough to hope with my entire heart and soul that twin souls really are meant to come back together here on earth to share life and live together and all is not lost.
Like why else would one twin nearly always always go quiet in some form or fashion if not to show the other one the effects of her energy and intention to force her to have total awareness of her focus? It is too cookie cutter to be anything less than a divine process and it is one I've been going through pretty seriously for a while now. And I would love to get through it and back into James' arms again.
I'll be honest I'm not sure what to do right now. My heart wants him but maybe I'm too stubborn. Maybe I'm pushing too hard with my own will and that is a hard thing for me to break myself of. I wish I was more passive peaceful and patient. Maybe I'm being forced to learn those things. Maybe that is what surrender is. I'm not sure. It also may be something I did that I should not have although at the time I did not really think my intentions were off. Upon reflection might not have been my best choice.
I do know I love James and believe he is a very good man. I believe that somewhere out there he loves me and cares for me. My desperate hope is these things happen to strongly show me where I am off course so I get back on so we can eventually come back together. Beyond that I can only ask God and my twin and Higher Self to go easy on me right now while I try and stay afloat. I pray for continued peace, sobriety, temperance and I ask God to ease my aching heart because I miss James a lot. I might be having a challenge getting this shit under co tell but it doesn't mean I miss him any less. My heart is in my throat right now. Not knowing when I might hear from him or see him when two months ago he was here kissing me and making love to me is hard to take. It is so scary for me, not knowing. Limbo is frightening. It means all I really can do is pray and hope for the best.
I'm here at 2AM feeling stupid and unaware and about as far from being a butterfly as possible.
Maybe I'm not supposed to feel stupid. I don't think we are meant to judge ourselves harshly but I feel stupid. I look back over these years I've been going through this process with James and I feel like a butthead.
When we recently met it was first at the bar by my house, where we first met. I don't go to bars anymore unless I karaoke because none of my friends go to bars and why would I go alone? That would just be asking for trouble. I love to karaoke but I hate being out until 2 or 3AM so I really have to be in the mood for a long evening if I'm going to go out singing. Sometimes I do. Its fun.
But James and I met at this bar two months ago and he did mention that he though I had quit drinking. I had ordered a beer. I thought about it for a moment and I said something like I'm trying to be careful. Which is not really true. I'd like to be careful. I'd like to not drink alone at all ever again in my life to be honest with you. That would be great.
But I feel sad now that I did not take that opportunity to open up to him and be fully honest and vulnerable. I was scared. Cautious. Careful. I had no idea what to say to him. Was afraid to ask him much about his life because I did not want it to seem like I was prying. Didn't want to ask about "us" because it felt like I was not supposed to. And I clammed up when he gave me a chance to share with him.
And the tragic part is I want to be able to confide in James. I ache to have a relationship with him where he knows my battles and weaknesses and I'm comfortable sharing with him, and him with me. I would never judge him and I know he does not judge me either. My heart aches for that close comfortable loving friendly warm relationship with him. I have never had that before with a man. Not long-term. I'm so used to being alone. And being alone sucks for me. I do not like it. Been too long alone. I'm lonely. I wish James was with me instead of me always trying to handle life by myself without that close mate with me. God knows I try my best but I'm floundering a bit. I'm tired. I ache. I really wish I had James with me as the close companion in my life I could turn to for help. A shoulder. A hug. Support. Friendship. I'm so exhausted with being alone. I want it to be James. I'm sad that all this stuff inside me has put distance between us. Just because I realize that I'm the one who can basically be considered "the runner" does not make it any easier to take.
Ugh 2AM thoughts. I feel sad. I wish I would have taken the opportunity to actually talk honestly with James when he was here and mentioned that I was drinking. As simple as telling him I'm finding it difficult to stay sober. I miss my friend. I wish I could hug James. I remember when he asked me if I had ever cheated on my husband and I lied at first. I was scared to be honest but then I told myself come on... don't lie. So I told the truth and he was so sweet and kind and accepting of my answer. No judgment whatsoever at all. Said he understood. Did not make me feel bad or like I would do it again or like he was afraid to date me now that he knew. I told him I'd never do it again because in the future if I was ever that unhappy in a relationship I'd end it. But looking back and remembering how unconditionally loving and gentle he was with me makes my heart ache.
I miss that dear man. I feel gutted and like something I cherish is missing from me and I constantly feel the longing to have it back. Him back. He is such a gem just like my guidance told me he was. I love him. I try to be so strong but I really wish he was here in my life so I could... turn to him for the support I need. Love and affection. Comfort and security. Friendship. Companionship. And I want to offer the same to him.
No I am definitely not perfect. Far from it. Yet I know I'm a good person so I'm holding on to that and trying to move forward with making choices that will hopefully allow things to shift for the better.
I'm so glad it is the weekend. I needed a break. We might go to the beach today. I'm telling myself it is a new day. We went to a bonfire last night and the hosts kept offering me alcohol and I had to laugh inside but I did not drink any alcohol. I'm really going to make an effort to be totally sober again for a while and once I feel better then if I want a glass of wine or a beer- I'll see how I feel.
I miss James. I say that a lot but I do miss him. When he came back a couple months ago, met me, made love with me and then went quiet again I guess it really pushed the limits of my sanity and what I can handle. No matter how I reacted inside (I got angry at God for pushing me) I should have always only realized it is as hard on James as it is on me because he loves me just as much as I love him. So he got a huge hit of my sweet love and then had to back off and I'm sure it did not feel good to him. It is probably torturous for him too. I wish I would have just told God "I'm not happy about this and I don't know what it is for but I will only love my twin and know he is out there aching for me too."
A lot of stuff has happened in this journey. And I know my energy has orchestrated it. I wish me and James were in contact right now, more than soul contact only. Like right now as I write these very words- his soul knows what I'm writing about him. And I love him. But I believe he loves me too. I believe he understands how hard this has been for me and I believe he wants me to stick this out with him no matter what I have to see from my mirror.
So I try to stay really tempered. I don't want anger in my life. I'm trying to be accepting. I hope people understand that I have come to a place where I don't really want to be a part of the "twin soul community" who think the "runner" twin is all messed up and needs to be healed yada yada. More power to them if that is how they feel but I do not need that energy in my life so I stay separated from it. I have my few friends I talk to and that is all. For me it is almost better to be quiet and go inner than sharing with these communities right now.
James loves me. I know this. And today is a new day to make different choices and focus differently and shake off old energy and be thankful for the gifts in my life. My other friend I mentioned in my last post, I would like to think of him also as a gift, nothing less. But James has been my biggest gift and he is the one person I want to have in my life to share my future. He really is. I love him dearly. And I know he loves me too. He wants me with him and I must remember that when things appear different than they really are.
Today is another day to work hard on being sober
To be fearless and loving. To focus rightly. To love James. To leave yesterday behind. I love James and hope he is well but I do believe wherever he is he would rather be with me. And I feel the same way. Nothing alone feels as good as it would sharing life with him.
Enjoy your weekend. We are going out for breakfast. I need a weekend that is one long break!
I don't even know where to begin but I have to be honest. A while back I got "close" with someone who is not my twin, closer than anyone else I've known since James left. It was short-lived and I know I might seem like a hypocrite. But I've always tried to be honest on my blog so I will be now too.
I have always known James mirrors me. And my God I must have a lot to let go of and learn because the reflection has been relentless for about a year. I don't share it here on purpose. I feel I am meant to protect my twin soul so I don't detail what happens between us. I ask myself why it is as "harsh" as it is and I came up with a few ideas. Maybe to show me how shitty and mean my own insides can be at times so I can change that and be as gentle and kind as possible, even when I am missing him or frustrated or aching. Or maybe when I affirm things I shouldn't, when I focus on fear and lies then I get more of them.
But another reason, I think, is to show me when I move away from James, and I have a few times on this journey. I have to look past a lot of stuff and sometimes maybe I am not as strong as I could be. And a while ago James had to reflect me hard, and it hurt. And afterwards I spent some time with someone else. I've known him for a few years, since before I met James, and I almost dated him but then I met James and James wanted me to be his girlfriend so that was that. This other person has always known about James and knows I still love James and he knows that the reason why I am not choosing to take things further with him is because of James. I can't tell you that I do not have feelings for this other person because that would be a lie. He is a good man and under other circumstances there is a possibility we'd be together right now but he is not my twin soul.
And I feel bad now, and I don't want to feel bad. I feel like what if my twin is out there and hurt now that I did this? And I feel bad because I only end up hurting myself in the end too. And this other person cares for me but we have to put distance between us now. James reached out to me a while back, when I was starting to probably feel too much for someone else, and it showed me that I need to make a choice. And I did.
But then I did not listen to the signs, didn't keep as separated as I should, and I got reflected again and it does not feel good. That happens to me. I don't listen and then I get some message from my twin that I don't like, and then I have to sit here realizing I have no one to blame but myself, and I have prolonged our separation by... making choices that keep my twin away from me.
I have this crazy hope that the mirroring is sometimes so "strong" because the stronger it is the faster it will stop me in my tracks and get me back in line. Maybe subtly does not work so well with me. But I feel like shit right now. I feel like I've done everything wrong. I feel like maybe I've hurt James. I feel like why can't I be stronger? And I still miss him so much. This other person knows I miss James. But he likes me too, has for a while, and took the chance to know me better even though he knows how I feel. And has said that no, he does not want to always know that my heart is with someone else. And it would be. So there is no way for me to be with anyone else besides James.
Which means I must be alone until this can shift, and it makes me so sad because I wish James could be back right now. I do miss him a lot {even though that might sound stupid after getting close to someone else.} All I can say, and it is no excuse, is I was hurting bad, sinking, and my other friend was there. And for a long time now I've kept him at arm's length, and he has always respected me. There has always been something between us but we never acted on it and this time we were closer than we have allowed in the past. And he is nice. It was easy to get closer to him when really I did not think that was even possible after knowing James. Luckily for me this man is a good man and tells me he will always be my friend, always be there for me, but he knows we have to put space between us now. And we do.
I am tortured and I do it to myself. My guidance once told me that I would create my own "Hell on earth" if I doubted James or his love for me. And I feel like I have {you have no idea!} even though I know the Hell is not real. Still I want it to stop so bad. I feel like my only safe bet is to be dropped onto a desert island by myself for a while. I've had the strangest energy come at me. An old soul connection who I ended things with a long time ago, before James, reached out to me yesterday, right on the heels of me feeling like total shit. Again, my own doing in feeling like shit. I was thinking of taking me son somewhere near where this person lives and he popped into my mind for like 10 seconds, and then he emailed me, at work. And he gave me his cell and told me to text him if I wanted to "chat." Well I looked up at the sky and was like, "Hell NO!" Talking with this man would be the energetic equivalent of me shooting myself in the foot; I just know it is not what is right for me in any way. I emailed him back and very politely wished him well but told him that no I would not be texting him. And I again told him I hope all is well at work and home, and to have a great summer. All very nice, and my intention was not to be mean! I even made a joke telling him to work out at the gym extra for me because God knows I won't be going there any time soon.
He wrote back and was very defensive saying that I was assuming he has ulterior motives, and that I must think so highly of myself and low of him to assume that he wants me again {what?} and that I am defensive and all he wanted was to talk to me about something going on in his life. So I started to feel bad about myself but I wrote back and told him- he should have told me that. He should have told me he had something specific he wanted to ask me and would I please help him. Not casually telling me we can "chat." Chatting to me means friendly banter and I already know that is NOT a good idea for me, not at all. That is why I told him I would not be texting him to "chat." I explained to him that I do NOT think I am "all that" by any means, nor do I think badly of him, but that it is not in MY best interest to talk with him but had I known it was something specific then I may have felt differently. And the result is we will not be talking again and honestly I really hope I never hear from this person again. He is in my past for a reason and I don't want to know him any longer. I am tired of him popping up from time to time and then not understanding why it happens when I did not ask to hear from him.
Overall a really weird exchange and not accidentally timed yet I have no idea what it meant. That my energy is matching with those old situations right now? A test to see if I'd actually want to reconnect with him? {no way} I dunno, and I get worried when I don't know something. All I know is he is gone again and I am fine with that. I did not mean to offend him in any way though.
And then my son's dad got real upset last night because I missed his call. I was sleeping. And I always always make sure my son talks to his dad or we call him or if I see I missed his call I will always call back. I'm a little upset because his dad chose not to see him on Father's Day when he could have. And PJ asked about it. He's getting old enough to take notice of these things. His dad could have spent even two hours with him or taken him to breakfast or ran some errands with him and then had lunch. So to then turn around and get all mad at me because I miss his call seems a little off putting. So anyway the energy around me has been chaotic.
Maybe it is because of me. Maybe it is my own energy attracting chaos to me. I don't like it though.
Another thing is I must stop drinking. Like now, as in right now. This will be a fully sober weekend that I pray turns into a sober next week, and then the week after that... because drinking is my #1 crutch. It is how I cope with the pain I feel from not talking with James, with dealing with the unknown, dealing with the reflection, being scared of never knowing when I might hear from him again, not knowing how long this will take and how long I will have to go without hearing from this man I love so much- I drink to cope with missing him and feeling heartsick. Plain and simple, and I can't. I just cannot do that. Not to mention I am the one who creates the shit I don't like and then on top of it I am slowly killing myself to try and numb out the shit I have created.
Just ugh. I feel like total crap right now. Like I have dug myself this huge hole and all I can do for right now is at least not drown myself in alcohol whilst in the hole. I have to make sure I keep my intentions very clear with this other man I know. He does not want to get any more attached to me either. And at the end of the day it is still James I cry for. It is still James I wake in the middle of the night feeling like there is a big huge hole in my chest. I love him and wish he was in my life right now but I have to find a way to deal with not having him here.
A dear kind soul who reads my blog reached out to me, and she knows who she is. She is sweet to check on me and make sure I am doing okay. And I feel kind of like a jerk because I'm always shooting down what she tells me, like she shares videos and stuff with me. But I started watching one of the videos and in the comments everyone discusses their twins as the "sleeper unawakened" twin, and the one who is learning all these lessons, etc. And I can't tolerate that because I KNOW why I get reflected! I don't take it as my twin is "lashing out" at me. I KNOW where the energy comes from- it comes from ME, and it sucks. It can be so hopeless feeling like I won't ever be able to change this, or be "right" enough. I worry I won't ever get it right. And I can't live like this. It hurts too much being away from James and not being able to know the man I KNOW he is! I KNOW he is this sweet kind normal honest loving caring person yet he is unable to show me, and that kills me- and to realize that I am the one doing it when I don't even mean to is just horrible. It is the worst feeling. And this is why I rarely share my experience with other twins because they will tell me it is James' fault, that he is the one who is in need of healing, that he is the runner, etc. and I can't tolerate it. That is not my truth whatsoever. It's been me from the start who has kept him away from me and I've been dealing with trying over and over again and fucking up over and over again, and it is exhausting.
And I still love him and miss him with my entire heart. I cried all day yesterday. And I barely slept last night. And I was not sober yesterday either so I'm not blaming my ex for drunk calling us last night- I am not one to talk about how emotions grow higher once someone has been drinking. I just don't like when he acts like I keep him from his son because that is SO so not true. At all. I'd never do that to either one of them. I do try to be a thoughtful person. But I'll tell you I never expected to have a twin soul. And I do so I'm trying to do what I can with my energy although sometimes I totally tank, and I feel like I have been for a year.
And the thing that bothers me the most is all we had was the most beautiful wonderful happy loving pure gentle healing relationship when we met! It was just perfect. Nothing but goodness and Light. I had hoped we'd be together from that point on, forever. No one else for either of us, just together. And then all this came and I was not expecting it and I wish we could go back to how things were.
I'm tired. I don't know what to do and I am tired, and I miss James a lot. I cannot sit here and pray for "his healing" because I know he is totally fine. Strong, wonderful and fine. I can send him my love and let him know I really do love him and always have no matter how scared or angry or doubtful or crazed I can get in my energy. I guess the least I can do right now is stay sober, stay tempered and gentle inside and out, and stay completely single with my focus and love on James. There is not much more I can do right now except cry, and I will cry because if you only really knew how much I miss him, and how deeply it aches- heartsick my guidance used to call it. Heartsick, and I am, still. People always talk about how we must be joyful and reach this place of high vibration in order to reunite with our twins and then I think I am royally FUCKED because I am not "joyful." I can achieve being thankful for my blessings. I can achieve "in love." I am in love. But I miss James and I am "heartsick" and heartsick does not equal joyful by any means. It means I miss him nearly always when I am awake and on nights last night when I didn't sleep then all night too. I try to stay as happy as I can without wanting to run off to something else to take away my pain. Believe me staying sober is going to be a challenge but I really need to do this now. So wish me luck.
I hope I have not hurt my twin soul. He is still the last man I made love with and I'd like him to be the last man I make love with, ever. This other person told me he does not think he has ever actually "made love" with a woman and he knows with me it would truly be "making love" because I am so loving but he also knows it can't go there, which is very true. I already am torn over the choices I've made and I can't imagine how I'd feel if I let it go that far. I don't want to emotionally hurt myself or this other person or James. Hurting my twin is the last thing I would ever want to do. And I want happiness for my other friend. I hope he finds strong love with someone wonderful.
I'm a little exhausted and sad now, and I know I have a challenge in front of me in staying sober. But it is Friday and I am ready to enjoy some time with my son. Luckily he is with me this weekend, and it probably turned out that way on purpose. I PRAY that whatever it is I need to do in order to balance my energy and allow my twin soul to be himself again with me is known to me so it can happen. I love James and I do believe he loves me a lot, and I believe he still wants to be with me. It is why I am so sad. I feel like we should already be together, and I feel like I have stopped that from happening. I miss him. I miss him so much.
I pulled out some of my old channeled messages last night and read through them while sitting outside. I wanted to enjoy the full moon but the mosquitoes were so bad! And then once I climbed in bed I kept nodding off so I went to sleep, lol. But I did read through some of my old guidance and I see where I was told over and over and over again to believe in his love. And I was told time and again to focus on "kisses" and that love is kisses. Back then I could not grasp what my guidance might have been trying to tell me. Still I don't know for sure. I can only speculate.
Last night my friend and I were discussing stuff. I told her I really wish I was married to James. And I mentioned the kissing thing to her. She said normally when two people kiss like that it is way more lustful and it leads to more pretty quickly. It is not "normal" for two forty year-old people to sit around making out for hours, totally clothed, for a month. And I know that's truth. I miss kissing James. We'd kiss for hours. It was the absolute best time of my life. It felt so good and safe and comfy and warm to sit wrapped up in his arms kissing and kissing. Oh he is such a good kisser. But those kisses really did show me just how much he loves me. Because to kiss someone like that night after night, to look forward to those kisses {and I know he did} means you really love the person you are kissing and you want to be as close as possible, even if it is not yet time for full on naked lovemaking. It is bittersweet to think of those kisses because they were wonderful but I miss them so much.
I miss James so very much. I know I've had people on the blog tell me not to focus on missing him, and I get that, but still it can be hard. I do miss him. I ache for him on every level. I wish we could kiss again. I wish I could kiss him every night. I wish I had him in my life to where I could kiss him whenever I wanted to. Where I could look forward to kissing him at the end of the night. My life would be so fully blissfully happy just to have James in it as my friend and lover, the one who is mine and all mine, only mine, forever.
I have never been one to believe this journey is about getting over wanting to "own" someone. James is not in my life right now and I really don't know much about his life at all or what he's done over these last 30+ months. Yet I still love him tremendously. I love him no matter what. He does not have to be here fawning over me for me to love him unconditionally. I love him always. But that does not mean that I don't want him here with me as the love of my life. Loving a twin soul does not mean you have to wipe your hands of them and force yourself to think, "Oh I should not want him. That's not being unconditionally loving!" Bull-fucking-shit. When you love a person- you LOVE that person. Hey I am all for wanting that person to be happy, and dealing with disappointment if it comes, but it does not mean that you can't look in the mirror and say, "I really wish he was with me. I love him so much." That is natural. It is unnatural to want something so bad but lie to yourself about it. That is not being true to yourself at all.
I want James in my life. I look back at those kisses and realize this guy drove to my house after working all day and spent hours just kissing me. He loves kissing me, and I know he still does because he showed me and he told me recently. And I already knew it. He craves our loving kisses still. Nothing changed. He still feels the same and he wants to kiss me. I just feel that in my bones. His recent messages- I still am not sure if I've totally processed them. I keep reminding me of the one thing he said to me which was that he does want me in his life and to accept that. So even though there is silence right now I keep telling myself to remember those messages. Remember him saying that he can't stop thinking of me and he wants me in his life and he wants to be kissing me and inside of me every night and I am beautiful and so desirable and he loves my... lol, yeah. Any beyond that he said that yes, he loves me and always has loved me. And YES I know this. I know this stuff is truth. THESE words are real. The silence is not easy to take let me tell you. I want him NOW. Right now. It has been too long. Getting a quick dose of the man I know and love is such a beautiful thing but I want him back now fully. Totally, completely. I KNOW he loves me and craves my kisses and wants to spend time with me and show me his love and make love with me constantly. I know he thinks I am far more beautiful than I think of myself. I smile to know how pretty he views me to be, and I am thankful for that. But I MISS him. I want all of that wonderfulness IN my life, right freaking now. He kissed me for hours and hours when we dated.
He kissed me whenever he could. We stopped for a train one night and he immediately turned to me with a smile and said, "Train kiss!" and kissed me so hard! It took my breath away. Among other things. All I wanted to do was get him home and naked, lol, and that did happen about 15 minutes later. I remember that night because he took me out for dinner and I had such a fun time with him. He's so cute and personable and easy to be with. And afterwards he wanted to visit a park that my son and I go to. He wanted to see it so we went and walked to the river and looked around, and he held my hand the whole time, and on the way home we stopped at a restaurant that had a bar to get a drink. He commented about how people are always on their phones now, constantly. And I appreciated that he did not do that with me. He focused on me, not his phone. But after about the second beer I remember just looking at him and thinking, "Okay I soooo need to get out of here now and get this man home so I can get him naked and fuck him silly!" He is SO cute. OMG- It's just so bittersweet to bring his memory to mind so clearly because I miss him and love him and want him back so badly. Train kiss on the way home and then once home oh yes we did get naked quickly and made good love, with plenty of pillow talk afterwards.
And I ache for all of that again. And he's just recently told me he wants all of that with me again. I believe that. I just don't know when it will happen. But I believe it will. I just hope it is soon because I am over here losing my fucking ever-loving mind, going out of my head, wanting him. I love him and want him in my life. I want him to ask me to marry him. I want to have our small wedding with sushi on the beach and I want to dance with him at our wedding. I want to hold him so tight and thank every God out there who might exists and my Higher Self/guidance and every angel and the universe and The Force and anything else out there- for this man. I LOVE him so much and all I want is to share a warm happy loving life with him, my son and hopefully another child. THAT is my own personal dream, right there. I hold that dream very close to my heart. I think of making love with him knowing we are trying to create a child. I want that so much. I don't think I've ever wanted anything more, ever. I want to marry him and be his wife and love him and be loved by him.
And I want to kiss the stuffings out of him forever. He is so sweet to kiss, so lovely to know. I miss him. I want to talk to my friend and love again. I want us to be together and part of each others lives. I wish that with my entire heart and soul. I pray for the moment when we come together again. I do hope it's soon because it is taking a lot of willpower for me to not just be a crazy person emailing him and telling him how much I love him every day. I believe he welcomes my messages even if I don't get a response but at the same time I feel my energy work makes more of an impact {is more important energetically} than me shooting him emails. But I miss him. So much. I love him. So so much.
I have the sweetest photo of him. I took it when we were in Chicago and he was next to The Chicago River. Sweetest little smile, soft gentle face while being as sexy as possible. I have not looked at that picture in a long time. I only have one on my phone, a picture of him and I together that he took before he left. And I'm told we look so perfect together, and we do. I look at that picture and I want to cry because we look happy, and we were, but it is so obvious to me how in love with him I was when he took that picture, and how absolutely heartbroken I was that he was leaving. I need to look at the other photo again. That was a very fun night, one of the best of my life, my dream date in the city. I had such a good time with him, and he held my hand the whole night. I wish I could do that with him again. I just wish he could be with me again now, together.
I keep seeing these little sayings and stuff that are making my heart ache. One today said that a real man shows his son how his mother needs to be loved, and that one makes me sad. I wish James was here to show my son how his mother should be loved. PJ has never seen that before, and I wish he could. I do my best to explain to him how a woman should be treated {well anyone really but I am trying to teach him to respect women in a different more gentle manner} but I wish my son could see a man, James is who I want, here in my life showing me love and affection. I wish PJ saw that first-hand instead of always seeing me battling to get through all of this alone. I try so hard to be happy but my son knows when I am sad. He knows I am lonely. The other day he said to me, "But you are not by yourself. You have me." And I know that but it's not the same. And it makes me sad. I miss James and I wish he was with us. I've spend the last... 32 months believing in this twin soul journey, focusing on James, hoping that he can one day come back to me. I'm very much ready for that to happen. Very very much ready.
And then another image I saw said you don't really realize how "not right" you've been treated until that special person comes into your life who shows you exactly how you need to be loved and treated, with tenderness and care. And of course that person was James.
The third said "Sexy isn't always about boobs or butts. It's about the way you walk, the way you talk and how you think," and that really hits home too for me with him.
I know James loves me due to me being me, me being genuine and a good person. He told me that once, very specifically. He text me and told me I am genuine and it is rare today to find a genuine person, and he said, "I think it is what I love most about you." Not my body, not sex, but that I am a genuine person. I also know James thinks I am beautiful, and I am thankful for that. Sometimes I think as my twin soul he is just meant to think I am beautiful so he does, and I am all good with that. I don't want to have to worry about being "attractive." I just want to be me- and I feel he loves me, and that's very welcome. He finds me desirable and I appreciate that fact {believe me because his desire is wonderful!} but I know he loves me for ME- for the person I am. For how I think, for my strong heart and the fact that I love hard. I am a good person too and I know he realizes this, and he loves me for it. He tells me how attractive I am but I know it is more than just "sexy." HAS to be because I, lol, am really not the most "traditionally" sexy person at all. Believe me. But I know I shine. I am genuine. I'm authentic. I am just me. I don't try to be anyone else besides who I am and I know he loves me for being the person I am.
I don't like to bitch and moan about my past. I really don't. My son has a good dad but his dad did not know how to show me love. And that is okay. We were not meant to stay together and he was not bad to me. He just did not love me, or he at least did not show me that he loved me. He withheld his affection and ridiculed me because I don't think he knew how to show love. He and my first husband both kinda made me feel like my body is gross, and I won't get into specifics. So to be with James and have him insist that I am beautiful and desirable in all ways was a blessing. It also took some getting used to, and it seemed unbelievable because here was this really wonderful and sweet and loving and sexy single man who was choosing ME. But the time I shared with him, how he loved me, was perfect.
And I miss that. I miss him a lot. Like more than I can explain, and more than I can almost tolerate. I know I am supposed to be "manifesting" or something but I don't know. I don't feel like doing much more than constantly asking God and Higher Self, "Can he just come back now?" *sigh* If I am co-creating with my Higher Self then fine, I want him back now. So can't he just come back? I feel like James has actually always wanted to be here, and he wants to be here now. Like if it was only up to him and his intention and heart then he'd be here. Maybe his "free will" choice right now would to be here with me but due to being my twin he has to play his "role" so he's been away. When he hasn't really wanted to be away. And I feel that it hurts him too that he is separated from me. He wants to be here. He'd be here if he could. I feel like he wants to be here in Indiana because it means being with his Love, me. I do feel that. I did not before, not at all but let's not discuss all that. I now believe that he never wanted to leave. It hurt him because he really wanted to stay and create a life with me. I KNOW this. I know it, and I KNOW nothing changed. Nothing. When it comes to heart-feelings and truth and love then nothing at all changed between us. I know that same love still exists between us and I really want him back in my life. I am tired of working to "connect" with him through soul. I want him here, for real. I want to share life with him. I want to have a family with him.
I am blessed to have my father, and I celebrated Father's Day with my dad yesterday. Me and my son had dinner with my parents and my seven year-old nephew {his dad was working and my son's dad's only day off was yesterday and he had some stuff to do} yesterday and then we went across the street to this big fountain and old rail road tracks and the kids played for a while and me and my parents talked and relaxed. It was a lovely day. But Father's Day can also ache for me. People tell me they know I pretty much play both roles in my son's life, and they are right. His dad is a good man and he loves his son, and PJ loves his dad, but still I am mainly mom and dad both. And seeing all the photos of the families on Facebook, families that have moms and dads both, hurt me. Because I wish I had that in my life, step-daddy would be fine! I SO wish James was in our life right now! I want him back, like NOW. I am so ready to have him with us. I wish we were together. I wish he was back in my life like he was before, friend, lover, companion. I want what we talked about, getting married and being together. He said he could see himself being my son's step-father, would help him with sports and be good to him and teach him science- and I know James would be the man to show my son how to love a woman properly, with respect and devotion and gentleness and kindness. James would be such a great influence in my son's life. Not to mention the joy he would bring to my own life.
I just feel really lost right now. Because I miss him so much! And my GOD I don't want to miss him any more! I want him here. I want to be together with him. It gets frustrating for me, and I am trying to stay as balanced as I can because all I want more than anything is to hear from James where he tells me this is changing now. We will be together. I want him back here from wherever he is right now. I KNOW that with us is where he wants to be most. I feel in my heart 100% that with us is where he wants to be, that he feels *just* like I do- sharing life together is what he wants most, and that he wants to come back and be with us. I can't explain why I feel like this- just that it is the only thing that makes sense! He fell in love with me, and he really took to my son. I felt like James really does want a family and when he met us he felt like he found that family, and he was happy. He knows I am a good mother and a loving person. He knows I'd make a good loving mother for his own child. And I want to have a baby with him more than I can find the right words to express my desire. I'd LOVE to have his child. I still dream of having a baby with James. He'd be the best daddy, a most loving father, and it would just be so wonderful to share that experience with him. I know he'd treat me well while pregnant and as the mother of his child. And I want that.
I want it so much that it makes me ache. I long for him. I miss his sweet smiling face! I miss his gentle voice. I miss how he touches my face and then kisses me. I miss how good it feels to be pulled into his arms and held closely. I miss making love with him and then laying there smiling and softly talking, "Pillow talk" and he calls it. I miss our pillow talk. I miss how he insisted on having enough time to "pleasure me" and treat me well when making love to me, and he insisted we have enough time to cuddle and have pillow talk afterwards. He actually did not want to make love with me if he could not do those things. He told me he did not want any "quickies" with me because he needed to cuddle me later. Do you have ANY idea? ANY?! I miss James so fucking much. Really sometimes I miss him so much that all I can do is cry and ask God over and over to please help me allow him back to me because I feel like I am going crazy being away from him. I love him so much. I miss being close to him.
I miss knowing him. KNOWING him. I miss knowing him! No amount of "loving myself" or focusing on just myself or some hobby or whatever... not even focusing on my child takes away the deep ache and longing and need I feel inside to be back together with this man. I try to read fiction in order to escape the ache for a while and it either does not hold my interest or I pick a book and later find out that something in it is a direct reflection of my twin, like I am not meant to escape it! I just read recently that when you "yearn" for something so strongly it is because it is what your very soul wants. It is because that thing or person is meant for you... and that is how I feel. My very soul must love him or something because I wake up in the middle of the night and can barely breathe, and often end up sending him some silly message, because I am so overwhelmed with the love and desire and ache I feel for him.
I wish he was here. In my life. In my arms. I wish me and PJ could spend time with James again. I wish, so so so much, that James could meet PJ again and spend time with my adorable son because PJ is SUCH a bright shining light and James would absolutely adore my son! They would get along so well. I know a lot of people would correct me and say, "Make sure you say 'They WILL get along so well,' " like owning it- and I get that. But for now all I can bring myself to do is wish and dream and say what I'd really LOVE. I'd love to be able to wrap my arms around this sweet man again and kiss him. See his smile. Hear his gentle voice. Love him, in person. Forever. That is what I want. I LOVED the time I spent with him. It was the best time of my whole life. Better than being a new mother, better than any trip I have ever taken, better than any other time I'd fallen in love before. Meeting him, getting to know him, spending time with him, falling in love with him and being loved by him was the best time of my life. Him spending time with me and my child, being so good to us. His generosity and his kindness. "I was blessed because I was loved by you" are very true words. It may have been a while ago. It may have been fast... but my God it was absolutely beautiful love. A beautiful experience, and I miss him with my entire heart and soul.
I am not sure how to explain this properly but it really is all I can do right now to stay as balanced as I can. I don't try to do too much more. I do easy stuff like spend time with my family and friends. I build fires with my son. I clean when I have to, lol. Like we tackled the toy room this weekend and got it all sorted and my son told me how much he loves me and thanked me for finding all of his cars and trucks and trains {of which he has a ton!} and then I laughed as he spend the next hour playing hard, making "vroom vroom" noises and having a "Monster Truck Show" while I got ready to meet my parents for dinner. But other than that there is really nothing else I have energy for, just being good to myself. Another thing is staying sober is not really going too well right now and I have to work on that too. Did not drink yesterday at all but it's the first day in a while. And my goal is to pretty much force myself to not drink hard liquor because I only do it to ease this ache, and I can't do that because it's not good for me. And I've always been very blessed with good health. I feel good. I am healthy. I live well. I just feel good. I sleep well most of the time. I can eat whatever I want to and nothing bothers me, lol. I have lots of energy. I still feel "youthful" and I have a very clean medical history. I am blessed and healthy, and I need to keep it that way so I have to be really strong with the desire to drink to escape some of this... well, ache. I hurt being away from James but I can't jeopardize my long-term health by drinking. I know this so I'm working on it. Drinking does make me feel totally like shit physically, and it does nothing good for me. I know this. Luckily I don't drink enough to be "addicted" so I can stop. But I have to stop.
I have a good loving family too. Wonderful parents who I am very close with. A brother and sister who live close and I get along well with. Great aunts and uncles and two grandmothers and cousins... James would be such a welcome addition to my family. They would love him so much. I so feel like he should be here now, with us. I love him and miss him so very much. Without him it feels like something special and important and necessary is missing from my life. I love him and wish we were together.
I have not heard from my twin now for a week. He reached out from the ethers and told me he does love me, wants to be with me and he said "accept it." I'm not gonna lie- I get so much nonsense in his messages (being mirrored back my own crap) that I'm looking at what was recently sent and asking myself what is real? Because I feel like these messages were partially sent to ensure I keep my focus on my twin. But I also believe that anything said with love and affection is truth. Because love is always real. And I swear I have been working to stay as gentle inside as I can while also thinking speaking and writing good loving stuff about my twin. Still I'm sure there is more to shift though.
I had prayed for some hope to know I would at least hear from him again. A few weeks ago something happened that made me worry "Maybe I killed this forever!" which is always one of my worries. So hearing from him at all is a blessing but to be shown the energy of "Jennifer I do love you and I always have" is such a huge blessing. And it shows me, clearly, that I must keep my own energy very gentle, loving, tempered and kind. It means I cannot be negative about this journey and especially not about James. But to me it also shows that I need to focus that his words as truth. He does love me. He would like to be with me and I need to believe that no matter what the 3D circumstances are right now. Just means I have more "work" to do in order to allow this to happen.
So now I ask myself... what do I do now? Yeah my focus was sliding away a bit but my energy maybe needed a bit of love to help pull me through. To elevate me and bump me out of the hopelessness, fear and despair I was feeling. It's odd because I can KNOW something (like the mirroring is not real) yet at times it becomes difficult to shake it off no matter how much I want to or how hard I try.
But again what do I do now? No amount of me emailing James is going to earn me a response if my energy is not right or if I'm not focused or if Higher Self doesn't feel it is necessary (or however it works.) I only know I will only hear from James when I've done whatever it is I need to do to shift the energy even more. And I gotta keep that in mind when I start getting frustrated. Because I do get frusrated and I want to be peaceful and calm! I always need to remind myself that I have created all this so I need to accept it with a tempered attitude- sometimes easier said than done but I'm working on it. I'm not perfect. I do get irritated or I do sometimes want to run off but I realise what I created and I wish and want to fix it So it can be beautiful real honest love again. And I know I'm the one responsible. I feel if James could then he would already be here with me meaning he wishes he could be together here with me but it's up to me so I gotta figure this out. It has a lot to do with what I'm manifesting. Well, all to do with what I'm manifesting.
I wish I had a handbook!! My big ole' pipe dream is that we come back together, total reunion, all my persistence and stubbornness and faith and love allows us to make it to reunion, and then I will write that handbook with the clear intention to propel others through this process. But for now I have to get through it! So I have to be patient and focused. I have to stay out of pissy anger. See I WANT to hear from my twin. I want to see James. I desire the stuff he mentioned to me like seeing me again and spending time together. So when I hear nothing else I tend to get irritated at the process and I'm seriously trying to avoid that. And hint hint I'll take any help I can get from my blog reading friends!
I know my focus has not been where it needs to be. I realise him reaching out to me was partially a tactic to ensure I don't turn away from my journey. Yet I also know if I had been being a monstrous shit in my energy then the messages would have been much different. So at least I feel confident that since I feel love for my twin soul and I will only speak of him with love and I know he is a dear sweet wonderful man who has been my angel and divine counterpart this has made some kind of shift. And I swear I'd rather poke my eyeballs out with hot pokers or attend a Trump rally than bitch and moan or get pissed off about any of this because in staying tempered and accepting and kind I then keep the reflection the same.
Focus. As I get close to 200,000 blog hits (how did that happen?) I am still asking myself WTF do I need to do to shift this more? I think I can let go of recent events as far as worrying if it is a set back or not. It is what it is. What's done is done and I can only go forward.
I think I'm shown what I have been all along and that is to just remember him with love. Recall our good times even if I focus on the same handful of events daily like a meditation or mantra. And I feel pretty certain that I need to make sure I create no other connections to anyone but James. Which means enjoying my son's company, friends and family but that is all. Focusing on James and our love, enjoying life as much as possible.
Luckily it is festival time again! My son and I love festivals especially carnivals. I end up dropping all the money I don't spend on makeup clothes and shoes on Tilt A Whirl rides, corn dogs and "throw the dart at the balloon for a prize" games! But that is okay because it is my kind of fun and I carefully brought my son up to love the festivals too and he does, LOL. We hit four rides, had some ice cream, listened to the band play some Pink Floyd and didn't make it to bed until almost midnight and to me that is a fun time. So I do have fun. I enjoy life.
But I'd sure enjoy life so much more if James was with us. Having fun with us. I miss him and I hope I can change this so I do hear from him soon. It would be so great to walk along with him and PJ having fun. I pray that day comes. But for now I feel the only things I can do is stay gentle loving and kind inside while remembering James and focusing on our good times. So that is what I will do. That means I won't be blogging as much because here I tend to rehash the journey and I don't want to do that right now. If I feel like I want to come share a memory or a song then I will but otherwise I need to keep my focus steady with my more private writings.
Love to all. Enjoy the beginning of summer and the upcoming full moon!
Oh as if my heart is not already just falling to pieces... I found that someone went and used this song "The One" to create a Scully & Mulder "'shipper" video. Perfection!
This is such an amazing song. It always makes me think of James.
Mission, Union, Twin Souls, Twin Flames, Ascension, Spirituality, Enlightenment... all these labels. I am so tired of labels. To me being a "spiritual" person means nothing more than being a LOVING person. Spirit is only love. So "spirit-ual" means being of spirit, being of LOVE. Not meditation or reiki or yoga or crystals or even a belief in a "God." Instead to me being a "spiritual" being means being a LOVING human. That is all.
I will say that one type of "tool" I really do put a lot of stock in is anything that offers "divination." Like angel or tarot cards, or even songs, or license plates, anything that SPEAKS to us because spirit is always trying to guide us but it needs ways to get through to us. I am no longer one for stones or reiki or anything known to be "spiritual." I can't help it. None of that holds any importance to me. I love to light incense but only because I have three cats living in my house and when they crap it smells like a 500 lb gorilla ate a donkey and then came and took a dump in the cat box and I can't tolerate bad smells.
I know if I need a sign I can pick up my "Mom's Bible" which is a really beautiful bible I own {because although there is a ton of man-created fear-mongering in the bible because man has bastardized God's loving message I also feel there is some truth in the bible, the truth about love is in there mixed in with a lot of bullshit that "man" added in there to try to control people through fear, *koff koff*} but I can pick up that bible and ask for a sign and open it up to something "my guidance" wants me to know. Or how my son asked to pull my cards the other day {since I never do anymore} and he pulled "Manifestation" and "Creative Energy" because, duh Jennifer, I am being shown to be very very careful with what I choose to create right now. So I do believe in divination, and I think even the Ouija board can be used for some who realize it is only Spirit speaking through it... only of the light. I used to use a pendulum and my guidance spoke to me clearly through that tool until it decided I had received enough guidance and then it stopped. I am not sure if I tried again that it might work. Dunno, probably don't need it anymore.
But I am genuinely thankful I had that guidance when I did or else I'd easily be dead right now. I would have killed myself had my guidance not explained to me, in detail, about this process as it was happening. Shit, the thought of not having all of that guidance given to me constantly, reassuring me through my fear, is terrifying. I would NEVER have made it through. And THAT is one major reason why I keep this blog. Because if someone needs to find help and cannot hear their own guidance then they can read my words and know they are NOT crazy, not... being left behind or punished or, the worst thought ever, totally being ignored and rejected by the one person they love more than life itself. *sigh* Entering into separation feels like you have been plunged into Hell. I do not want anyone to have to go through that experience alone. I always hope they find my experience and are offered some solace through it. So again, tools of divination I think are a really important part of this but it can be anything. A song, a word from a stranger, a license plate or bill board, a message on a t-shirt, a tarot or angel card message, or some specific written guidance you might locate {like stumbling on a blog like this one that feels SO eerily the same as what you might be going through that it eases your mind just enough that you don't jump off that bridge!} It can come in strange ways but I hope we are all open to it when it comes. I think it is very cool and still after all this time I get tickled by it, especially the songs. I get a lot of songs.
I have to say I look back sometimes and see what a shit I can be. Not long ago my twin {not on accident I'm sure} asked my my feelings about God and my guidance. And I got pissed off inside, not at him but at God. I was pretty mad and spiteful in my energy. When I should not have been. I might not always feel good in this but I know my guidance has always only tried to help my stubborn {and scared and hurting} ass.
It seems that right now I need to pray for patience more than anything. I don't like to "wait." I think this is one reason why all along I've kept writing in my journal and stuff because I need to feel like I am "doing something" and being active in this. I hate "waiting." I am not one who believes that divine timing is some preset time God has chosen to give us something we want. I feel it has more to do with our energy and focus, etc. I know with my entire being that reaching union does not mean handing it all over to God and trying to focus elsewhere. It means being an active participant in allowing our twins to come back to us.
That said- this morning my son said something to me that was probably another reminder to stay on task. For some reason here recently I've found it harder than ever to be patient in this. I don't want to disrespect my twin soul or my union. I know that I've created this distance and separation but even in knowing that- for some reason I'm just feeling like I am *really* having to try more than ever to keep focused on my journey.
Every morning when my son starts to wake up I always cuddle him and give him kisses. In my sing-song voice I tell him good morning or sing him a quick song or tickle him awake. Always to make him giggle and start his day off bright and cheery as it should be. Well I normally ask him how he slept, and then I will ask him what he dreamed about. Sometimes he will make up silly things he dreamed about like, "I dreamed you were pushing me on the swings and I farted in your face," because well he IS a six year-old boy! But this morning when I asked him if he dreamed last night he said yes. And I asked him what he dreamed about and he said, very seriously, "I dreamed that we were golfing and James was with us." I asked him if we were having a good time in the dream and he said yes we were.
*sigh* I so wish. I so wish we were all golfing together. I wish James could teach PJ how to golf. He told me he's taught a lot of people and kids to golf and he said he wanted to teach me how to golf. I don't know much about golf. Only that the less trys it takes to get the ball in the hole the better! But James loves golf. Like one of his biggest loves and I appreciate how passionate he is about it. It was sweet that he took us out and showed PJ how to mini golf, and I've said this over and over but one of my all-time favorite memories is us together and James showing PJ how to golf. So so so cute and endearing and obviously my son still remembers it. He mentions James from time to time. He tells me James is a good man, or he will tell me James misses us. It breaks my heart. I don't like to be in limbo. I don't like to be in the dark, and I don't like the silence. I want to KNOW. I want action. But for the time being I am trying to be as tempered and patient as I can while I attempt to keep my focus where it needs to be.
I wish James could go fishing with us. I take my son fishing myself. My dad taught us how to fish and my family has been fishing ever since. I love fishing but I can only do the basics. Set up my hook, put on the worm, catch the fish, take it off with a rag {lol} and then throw it back because I don't know how to clean a fish. I need to be re-taught how to clean a fish. Then I'd catch and clean and cook it for dinner but I suppose I need to be shown again- James says he knows so maybe he can show me. We used to go to Minnesota as a family every year but I have not been back since I was pregnant with my son. I need to get him up north soon. But I wish James was with us. I wish he could go fishing with me and my son. I do wish that it was no longer just "me and my son." I want more, and I want it with James for sure. I wish he was part of our family. Doing fun things with us, having dinner with us. PJ would love him so very much. We'd all get along perfectly, and it hurts my heart that we are not now. Sometimes it hurts my heart so much that I want to give up and move on so I don't have to hurt anymore!!! I think that is the problem. I don't want to hurt anymore. I so desperately WANT and desire to have James in our lives. I have wanted that since I met him! It hurts not having him here, that damn yearning. The longing. The ache.
James told me, so sweetly, on our second date that he really wanted to be in love again. I can remember us walking, where we were exactly, at the corner of Tot Park by my house. Street lights out. Moon still shining because it was a few days after the full moon. Clear beautiful night. He was holding my hand and walking along with me and he said he did not mean to "scare me off" or pressure me but that he really wanted to be in love again. So endearing, so genuine, so real and so sweet. Always holding my hand. He said being in love is wonderful, the best thing ever, and he wanted to be in love again. He wanted to be in a strong committed relationship with someone he loved who loved him, the kind of love where you are so excited to see each other every day. I remember that second date. We ended up at my house because I had to pee, again. And then we kissed. And kissed some more. It was our first extended kiss that turned out into at least an hour of making out until it was time to go back to where we were originally parked. I was floored, OMG it was so wonderful kissing him. *sigh* And when I got home I asked for a message. I asked, "What is he to me? He is so perfect." And I got the "most important soul mate" card. The one who can bring a lot of change, ha ha ha. HA ha ha. But as always, the card was right. And GOD damn do I miss him, my most important soul mate.
Soon after knowing me he said I was that person- that he'd fallen in love with me already, and he told me he had started going home after work and being sad that I was not there to greet him, he didn't like that I was somewhere else and not with him. He'd say, "Maybe one day we will be sleeping together and won't have to say goodbye." That changed to... telling me he could totally see me being his wife and PJ being in his life. That he'd like to learn how to be a "daddy" and he was sure he could learn and be a good strong influence in my son's life. He said he'd teach PJ science and help him in sports. He told me that being married and with the person you love most in life is the BEST THING EVER, and he'd say, "Don't you think so too?" Just a genuinely good man with sweet loving intentions, AND he was every single thing I'd ever asked for in a man. And just writing this makes my heart contract- it hurts. I ache. I miss James so very much. And I don't often allow myself to go strolling down memory lane like I used to because it HURTS and I don't want to hurt. I don't want to cry anymore. I've hurt for so long. Even if it is pain I created myself through "manifestation," well I did not realize I was creating it. No matter WHO created the pain- it still hurts and I *really* really want peace in my life now.
I want to learn my lessons through peace, kindness and love now. I want joy and laughter and bliss and HUGE LOVE in my life and God knows I want that huge love shared with James. That is what I am meant for. Which means I want and need truth, and I need for this "journey" to progress so one day I have what I want in my life, huge strong romantic love shared with my twin, in the flesh, here on earth. I want him besides me in bed every night. I want to be so excited to see him at the end of a day, to make him feel special knowing how much he is loved. I want to smile as I see him interact with my son like I did when he was in my life. I want to just lay my head on his shoulder for a while. I am so easy to please. Low-maintenance. Anything small tickles me, lol. I am like a child in that regard. The smallest things make me happy but I can tell you a life devoid of romantic love makes me very sad, and I've done my best through all of this to hold out, hold on. But I am sad. I miss having love in my life. I miss having James in my life. He was such huge huge bright shining love, the kind of love I'd always prayed for. A man who loves like I do, and he does. I wish he was back with us. I really do. Spending time with him was easy, peaceful, fun and blissful. I was not nervous around James when we dated. Some people say they are nervous around their twin souls. I did not know he was my twin soul {at all} but I was never nervous around him. When we were together or talking or the whole time we dated I felt 100% awesome with him. Very secure and safe and comfy. Nothing about him made me nervous. What made me nervous was... my own private doubts and inner "demons." Worrying if he'd want to leave me even though I'd grown so attached to him and saw him as my dream come true. But James himself NEVER did anything less that make me feel so so so loved, adored, reassured, etc. He went above and beyond to show me his love in every single way he could. He really did. And that is why I just know that he is irreplaceable and I'll never find a man quite as spectacular as he is.
And it is why I miss him so much that I am on edge. I want to drink to calm down, and I am trying not to. I am trying to fill my time with my son and doing fun stuff and focusing and working hard to NOT run off since I am just so wanting only peace and harmony now. I don't want "missing" and aching and longing and wondering when I might hear something or wondering if I see him again will I hear anything afterwards? I guess honesty is I am tired of this "process" now and I wish he was back in my life, to stay. No more tactics. No more process. Just union. Just togetherness. I wish wish were together in peace and total harmony, together. I hate the word "reunion." I want the man I love with all of my heart back in my life to share life and love with me and my son, all of us together, happy and loving and peaceful. Real genuine love and affection. I can't ever imagine treating James with anything other than love and care. I have been through a lot more than anyone knows with all this but through it all I've never felt I'd want to be anything less than loving to him. If he was in my presence I'd only want to be gentle to him. Yeah in the past, especially in my head, I've gotten angry at times. More at the divine, more out of frustration over the situation, but I know if James was actually in front of me, or if I am talking with him "for real," then I really only want to love him. And now in my energy and thoughts too I am being very aware to be as gentle as possible, always, about everything. Even myself because when I tell you {and I know this sounds very hypocritical} that I have been tempted to run in the opposite direction of my twin- I am not kidding. So I have to be gentle on myself too while I work to stay strong and on track, focused on what I *really* want as my future, James.
People talk all the time about "mission." Oh this big mission. Well in my life if there truly is a mission involved between me and my twin soul then HE is my mission. He is. Nothing more or less. Loving him, trusting him, knowing what he has done for me, holding on to him, not bolting from him in the end, being as patient as I can, realizing he has sacrificed too and this is not all about only me, honoring him and loving him and being patient and supportive in my energy, all of that is my mission. Defending him and knowing that he is a good man who loves me, that is my role in our "mission" which is another word I just don't like. Union, mission, etc. To me it is a divine process with my one and only most important strongest full-mirror soul mate. A process in learning how to be only love and to trust and to know how to be a conscious and aware loving manifestor. And he has been the one to push me to do all of this, and I am still working on it. But to me the process of learning all of that is not my "mission." Writing a book is not my mission. Helping others is not actually my "mission." If there is such a thing as a joint "twin soul mission" then my half of ours is to love and support and believe in and defend and protect my twin soul. His part of our mission has been to help show my myself. Mine is to hold on to him and love him through it.
At the end of the day though- I dream of having the love of my life back with me. That is what I want more than anything. All the labels aside, processes, unions, missions, twin souls, energy, enlightenment, ascension, God, etc. etc.- all of that aside. I really want to end up being able to hold and love and adore my sweetheart in real life, on earth, for the rest of my life. I really want to be a loving human living my happy little life here on earth with James as part of my family, being kind to ourselves, kind to each other and kind to others. It really is all I want in life.
*sigh* I do miss him. As always I hope I can hear something soon. I wish to hold him in my arms more than anything right now.
Jennifer
PS This is great song about signs starring my two favorite, er, "people." My BFFs.
I love the way she is looking at him here; this was in the early days when they just met and she was assigned to him in order to debunk "The X-Files."
I
know I've written about this before but it still kinda floors me. The
day I met James face to face I got two fortune cookies because my sister, who was living with me at the time, had taken me out for lunch
for my birthday. One of the fortunes was, "You have an unusual magnetic
personality. Just be aware of your polarity." And then there is this
fan video for The X-Files called "Polarity Magnetics" and it makes me
smile.
Well the definition of polarity, now maybe I understand the meaning a bit better. It is the state of having two opposite or contradictory tendencies or aspects: opposition, difference, separation.
Somehow that definition does not escape me as I go through this with James. Yes I do have a magnetic personality. If someone is attracted to me then he is seriously attracted to me. Many people are not, of course. I've met men where they are not attracted to me in the least. But it seems that when I meet a man who resonates with me he REALLY resonated with me. There is no half way. It is weird. I can't explain it. My guidance once told me my energy is so strong that it is like a bug light. But there are those synonyms of separation and opposition, and I know that has something to do with the fortune I got that day- I have a magnetic personality but to be aware that something about me can flip or be in opposition to my true nature which is loving and kind. The same day I got a fortune about "Ask and you shall receive" which I know was speaking of manifestation.
I do believe my twin shows me when I am in opposition to my true self, my soul self.
Oh the joy of signs and divinity! If I'd only understood better back then.
But now I am trying to really understand better, and I see that my nature must be balanced and consistent at all times, not in opposition. I consider myself to be a good loving gentle compassionate empathetic person but I need to make sure I am that way all the time, even when I am irritated or frustrated, even when I am alone and ranting "only" in my journal or at God. I need to be honest at all times. My words and thoughts, desires and actions must be honest always, always consistent, matching in energy and intention. I am working on this. I am avoiding ranting! I just don't want any of that energy any longer. It is not authentic to who I am normally; it does not match my true nature. It is in opposition and it definitely keeps me separated from my Love.
I miss James very much. I know I say that a lot. I think it is one thing that has remained pretty consistent throughout this journey. I do love him and miss him. Not a day goes by... no that is laughable. Not five minutes goes by where I do not think of him, except when I am sleeping. Otherwise if I am awake then he's on my mind constantly and it's been almost three years, and it ain't stopping. I am almost used to it now. I can function with two thought processes: one is he is always there in my thoughts and then whatever else I need to be focused on whether it be my son or my work or life or whatever. Sometimes I do try and read just to have a break, not that I don't like thinking of him but *whew* just sometimes it's helpful. Still normally he is always on my mind. And in my heart; he is always in my heart.
I'm have a question that I am not wanting to really discuss too specifically here so forgive me for not being more clear on this. I've already mentioned that something is still not "balanced." I've been in communication with James where he's told me he loves me and wants me in his life always. That he thinks of me all the time and he wants to hold my hand and date me and be with me and says that yes I am right- he has loved me all along and wants to be in my life. He's told me he wants me and to accept that. And I do accept that he loves me and wants me with him. But there is silence now, and something still needs to balance. I desire full 100% transparent truth and honesty, full disclosure. I want to know what he is up to. How life is for him, but total truth. Complete honesty. So on my end I am trying really hard to be as honest as I can in my thoughts, actions, words, etc. I ask myself- what else do I need to do in order to allow him to reflect back to me full and complete honesty and transparent truthfulness about his life, his feelings and allowing his own brilliantly sweet kind loving personality to shine through, including showing me his huge love for me? How do I achieve openness? Truth? I want truth but I want it to where I have no question, none. And there are times where I can read an email and know, "Okay he does love me and I know that is truth. Of course he loves me and wants me in his life." Not to sound arrogant but I know James loves me and misses me and would love to share life with me. I have a feeling my twin does love me in the same intense manner that I love him. But then there are other words I read where I go... wait a minute- this does not feel "right." Or it's just not said in a manner that I know is James. James is... very strong and secure, extremely strong and secure. Like ridiculously so. He knows what he wants. He is brilliant and decisive. He has a scientist's mind for God's sake, of course he is totally smart and decisive and secure- that's just how those science-types are. He is an Atheist as well. No fuckery. Like those guys from "The Big Bang Theory." Scientists are pretty straight-forward and so is James. He has oodles of self-esteem {although he's humble} and he is very secure and aware. I know this. So I ask myself- what do *I* need to shift here? What is being shown to me?
I don't know exactly. I am trying to work it out.
Let me say I know my mind. I want James as my future. If I didn't then I would have ran off a Hell of a long time ago. Have I been tempted a few times? Yes- and I am not sure if that is what I am being shown, to be honest. Or what it is. I just don't know. I only know that I want it to change, shift, clear. I need transparency and full truth. I can only pray to God to help me continue to stay tempered and to "hold on" to my twin through all of this. To always know his goodness and kindness, compassion and empathy. He is very kind and empathetic. And I should be as well because that is supposed to be my true soul nature. I need to embody those characteristics of being soft and gentle and kind. Hey a little spunk and a strong-will {I am stubborn and I don't know if I can ever change that, Leo in me!} is okay as long as it is kept loving and kind. I think my stubborn nature is what has kept me alive through certain parts of my life so I appreciate that part of me. All I really can do is keep thinking good thoughts. Stay focused on love. I do love my sweetheart, and I miss him with everything I have inside of me. I so wish I could wave a magic wand and he'd be back in my life like he was once before. My boyfriend and true love. He IS my true love but I wish he could be my boyfriend again. I wish a "miracle" would happen where we just shift back into being how we were when we dated. Having fun and dating and laughing and giggling and holding hands all the time, always needing to be touching each other when we were together and always needing to say hello when we were apart. I wish we could be back like that again. No questions asked. God knows it is all I want. Our conversations back. I wish we could go back to the moment where we could not wait to hear from each other or exchange emails with pictures or videos. Our long phone calls that would end with him softly saying to me, "Tell me your fantasies" and then I'd shyly confess something to him and he'd... like that a lot, lol. And then he'd ask me to send him a flirty picture because he missed me and needed to see me because he loves me. Or back to when he'd come over, so fucking cute and glowing and sweet, and wait for me to come out of PJ's room after putting him to bed. And James would stand there smiling at me, so happy to see me. The happiness was glowing on his face. He is so cute and smiley! Always smiling. And he would smile and hug me and ask how I was doing. And he would kiss me. And then we'd go sit down on the couch and talk for a few minutes but he'd turn to me with a smile that said, "I so need to kiss you now- it's been too long," and he'd reach out and touch my face and turn me to him and lean in to kiss me and then we'd just sit there kissing for so long. Melting more and more into each other. I'd just sigh into him. So peaceful and blissful. He'd make me moan with just his kisses, lol. He is such a good kisser. I love kissing James. I WISH I could sit there again feeling his arms around me kissing me for hours. I wish that with all my heart.
I so so so wish we could go back to being a "couple" again in each others lives to share all these things. Boyfriend and girlfriend. I love being his girlfriend. I'd love to be his wife. I'd love to just BE with him. I miss him and his sweet kisses so much *sigh* I miss him trying to get me to confide in him, and how shy and sweet I felt with him. I love how excited he was to see me, or to get a photo or video from me, lol. He acted like he thinks I am a goddess or like I was giving him some kind of gift- and he always told me how much he appreciates me. I miss all of him, every single thing.
I love him so much. I hope I hear from him soon. I am just trying to breathe through how I feel right now.
Do you know what is one of the hardest parts of this for me? The silence. It's why the title of my blog makes me chuckle in irony. Because I don't particularly like the silence. It is very hard to take. It is hard to take because I know it is abnormal. We loved talking to one another. Even when we met recently he said to me "I do love talking to you." And yes, yes I know he does. I know he wants to talk to me. He misses our conversation. We made great conversation. He is very easy to talk to. We talked all the time. I don't think you realize what I mean- we were always in communication, all day long on and off, from the first day we met. Actually there was one week in there, before we met face to face, where I cut him off {I still cannot believe I did that!} and his absence in my life, only after talking to him for a couple weeks and not meeting yet, was SO huge that I needed him back. I felt this gigantic loss not talking with him for a few days and I'd only just met him. But see we connected so hard. So fully. So beautifully. And we talked all the time.
It just kills me because he even said good morning every morning and good night every night. And one time, this is so cute and shows how considerate he is of my feelings, he was leaving for work early and he did not want to text me because he thought it might wake me. So he emailed me instead and explained that he did not want me to be worried or sad to not get a "good morning" from him so he was emailing me instead to let me know he was leaving for work early, and he would say hi later. THAT is my James. Right there. That is the man I fell in love with, entirely sweet and kind and caring. Always making sure I felt safe and loved. UGH- I know that is him, with everything in me I know that is James. That respectful protective man who always wanted to make sure I felt good and was happy. I miss him so very much!!!
We talked on the phone for hours and hours. We knew if we ended up on the phone we'd need at least like three hours because we never hung up sooner than a few hours. My ears used to hurt after talking with him from keeping the phone to my ear for so long. But the hours flew past when we talked. And I've missed that so much that it sometimes just slays my heart; it hurts so fucking bad not being able to talk to him one on one. I CRAVE to be able to just look at my phone when it rings and see that it is him calling, like he used to. When we dated he called all the time. He'd call just to say hello. He'd call to talk for hours because he wasn't over at my house. He'd text to say good morning. He'd email throughout the day. He'd ask me multiple questions via email for me to answer so we could get to know each other better. It really was the best relationship and we were so so so open and transparent with each other.
That is why when a twin "switches" and becomes someone they are not- you feel like you are losing your fucking MIND because you KNOW "this cannot be real!!!!" Because it feels so not right, more not right than not right. And that is how it was for me. I just knew something was not right; that it could not be his INTENTION because we got along so perfectly and he LOVED talking with me so much. He used to tell me how much he loved hearing my thoughts and how easy it was to talk with me. How we did not even need to watch TV because we talked {and kissed!} so much. No other entertainment necessary. He loved communicating with me.
Hence why the silence is NOT golden. It just is not golden at all. Maybe it is for a reason and I can understand that but it does not mean I have to like it. I just can't. I have never wanted to have an OPEN AND HONEST conversation with my twin more than I do right now. We were so transparent with each other and then... now... it's just not quite right. Something is still not the same when we do communicate, and I know it is some reflection of me or what I am doing or thinking and I am SO trying to figure it out so it can change. I want 100% truth and honesty from my twin soul. I NEED it. I've been losing my fucking mind trying to get through all of this. Trying to focus on truth and love. Trying to... deal with the fact that I crave intimacy and connection so fucking bad! I am human and I crave a connection. And I am just trying so hard to hold on and be honest and faithful and good and do whatever it is I need to do in order to change the reflection back to trust, truth, honesty, love and light. Gentle love. Honesty. I want honesty so so so bad.
Honesty.
I know my twin soul is a good man. A very very wonderful person. He is obviously a strong soul too. I feel he is the more awakened twin. Well, not think. I KNOW he has been the more awakened twin reaching out to help me through, my mirror to show me what I need to shift around inside of me or release. And I can appreciate that fully, and I do. I am trying to see things very clearly and make the right choices. Focus rightly. But I am so tired. I am lonely. And I am tired. And I am doing my best. But I want more than just "tactics" now. I want my twin soul back in my life. And I know it is one me so I am... just... missing him and wanting him back in my life. I want it to be where he reaches out and I respond and then he responds back. And I hear from him again. Or he sees me and then I HEAR from him again! I want that! I really do. I know he loves me! I know it kills him to be away from me. I just know it. I know he'd much rather be with me than away from me and I wish that could happen now. No I have not been perfect but I've tried by best and I still am doing the best I can but I PRAY this can shift more now. Shift more towards reconnection. I have so many dreams of us. I want to hold his hand again. I want to walk along easily talking, honest truthful conversation, holding hands and smiling and loving each other like we did before.
I miss that easy wonderful loving relationship we had together. It was so fucking beautiful. Our love for each other is beautiful. Our time spent together is beautiful. The kisses and touches and love we make together is so so beautiful. Everything about James is beautiful to me and it is I want to see him so bad. Desperately need to see him. I need to see his precious face again. I want to touch his cheek and look into his eyes and smile and kiss his lips. I want to see that little smile he gives me as he touches my face and brings me closer to him for a kiss. I want to make love with him again. I want to hold his hand. I want to hear all of the sexy sounds he makes when he makes love to me. I want to feel the tender passion in his kisses. I just love him so much and my GOD being away from him, us not in communication, hurts so much that sometimes it makes me want to run off. More and more lately I've found myself having to really try to stay in this because I want to talk to him so badly and it hurts to not talk to him. I just want to talk to my love. I want to talk to my love! He is my sweetheart and yes he is the one I want as my future, James is. I want him as my future.
His recent emails told me he wants me too and to just accept it. And I do. But I need more so I am doing my best to manifest that. And I hope to God I can focus right and make this happen soon because I need him in my life. NEED. Not want. Not just desire. I need him in my life. My life would be so much more wonderful and colorful and blissful and amazing and loving and joyful if I was sharing it with James. It was when we were together. Those were the best days of my life and the memories are bittersweet because I want those moments back. And I feel he wants those moments back too. Kisses where time stopped and we could nearly melt into each other with just a kiss. A long passionate sweet loving hours-long kiss. Kisses. God our kisses were so perfect. I have enjoyed good kisses before but with James they were just the BEST kisses. Blissful to where if you asked me, "What is your most favorite thing in the world to do?" I could easily tell you it is making out with James. I want to kiss him again. I need to kiss him again. I miss his sweet kisses. I miss him like crazy. Like CRAZY. Sometimes I feel like I am losing my mind because I miss him so much. And yes- when you miss a person like this, to where it fucking hurts, you want to escape it. And I've fought that often. I try to be as committed as possible to my twin. But missing him aches and I need him back in my life. And I don't feel I am alone in that need; I know he feels the same and I believe his recent words to me are truth, the he thinks of me all the time and he wants me in his life and he wants to hold my hand and kiss me... like I do him. I know my feelings are mutual. I just need to find out how to make this happen because quite frankly I am very much in love. Very much in love. I miss him so much. So very much. I miss his blue eyes and his warm strong embrace. I miss his hands... he has the sexiest hands and a tender touch and the way he reaches out to touch my face makes me insane- I just need him back. I really need him back. I want to walk with him and talk with him and spend time together, dating and laughing and talking. And making tons of sweet love because our lovemaking is sweet and right. Pure and genuine. Healthy. He once told me we had a healthy good relationship, and he is right. What we shared is pure love. A good clean pure genuine love- what love is supposed to be.
Divine love. Pure love. Lasting love.
I try to stay pretty balanced on this blog. There is a lot I do not say. And much I cannot share because I truly 110% believe I will manifest what I focus on, so please understand there are only certain things I will put into writing. Like my love for him and my knowing, my pure knowing, that he loves me too and has all along and he wants to be in my life. Wants to be. Aches to be in my life. I know he feels like I do, and I want him to be able to be with me! And my son! He is supposed to be with us, and I believe that is why it hurts so much. Because he is meant to be with us. I want him to be my husband and my son's step-daddy. My son would absolutely adore having James in his life, and James would, lol, love my son. He'd get the biggest kick out of my child. James would be such the perfect addition to our lives. He was so sweet and kind to my son when he dated me- just a beautiful man in general and I miss him so much. I am so thankful to know him but I miss him. I just love him. I really do. Not a moment goes past that I don't miss him, and sometimes that aches so badly that I don't know what to do with myself. I just wish he could be back with me now. I pray that moment comes soon. I pray that I do whatever it is I need to do in order to manifest allowing him to come towards me again in truth, honesty and love. I firmly believe that we control the union, those of us in my position. I'd bet the farm on it. And I am... doing my fucking best to try and move this along because I miss James from the bottom of my heart and I want him in my life. And I believe he feels the same way. I want to let him come back to his love. His honey. I want to be able to hear his sweet adorably sexy voice again and see his dear smile and feel his warm arms around me, embracing me while we hold each other. I want to lay my head on his chest and be held by him. *sigh*
