Hold Each Other

This has been an exceptionally emotional week this week and I am exhausted this afternoon.  I am also a little under the weather with a bad summer cold and yippee woman issues too.  So overall I'm super exhausted and I can't wait to go to bed tonight BUT man it is 4th of July weekend and there are fireworks in the park tonight at the festival in the town my twin soul is from.  *sigh*

I miss James so much that it really is about all I can manage to say right now.  I don't know how to figure anything out.  I don't know what to do.  All I can do is put one foot in front of the other and get through this because my heart is aching.  I have cried on and off all day and I wish I could tell you my energy is nice and high but it is not.  I am too tired and too heartsick to be high energy.  I miss this guy and love him so much that all I want to do is cry.  Fucking cry.  I wish I had a better update but all I want is to get the Hell out of work so I can quit faking it, and I am not faking it well.  I've had to close my door once already and sob.

Today I went to an AA meeting.  I was sitting there while everyone was telling me about themselves thinking- I wonder what James would think of me?  An "alcoholic."  Well for one I am sure he'd love me anyway but two- I need to be sober for me.  And I feel so so so terribly ALONE right now.  You just have no idea how utterly totally alone I feel.  I need a support system.  I need people to talk to, people who understand.  I need people who can actually talk with me, respond to me.  I need something, some type of human connection beyond work and the woman I live with who I don't feel very connected to right now.  I absolutely wish with my entire heart, mind and soul that James was in my life and I could be close with him and talk with him and confide in him.  I am sad.  I feel alone.  I crave HIS companionship.  And I am just besides myself.  I remember how sweet he was and it kills me.  Yeah I understand all the twin soul stuff and he loves me and this is all illusion and I get it- but it does not help right now.  It does not help right this moment when all I want, more than anything in the world, is to walk into his waiting arms and have him wrap himself around me while I lean my head on his chest and let him hold me.

I want that more than anything.

I can feel how beautiful it would be to be held by him.  It would be wonderful.  And my heart is severely aching.  I don't even know how to handle how I feel right now.

Oh My God I miss him so fucking much.  It is not normal, and it is going to take a lot of strength for me to not drink at all this weekend so wish me luck but I need to stay sober because me drinking with how I feel already would not be a good thing especially because I have my son too.

I got nothing more.  Nothing buoyant or fun or energetic.  I feel like poo.  My heart aches.  All I want to do is cry.  And I need some sleep.  But it is beautiful outside tonight here in Northwest Indiana.  It feels like Fall and me and my son are going to go get our festival on so I need to get my second wind here pretty soon.  I gotta shake off this "blue" feeling.  "I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues" does suit me right now.  I wish James was going to be with us tonight.  I wish we were going to meet him and hang out, the three of us, having a great time.  Not just me and my son, again.  It is really starting to kill me inside.  I miss him so very much.  It feels like he should be with us.  Yet right now- I have not heard from him and it aches.  I ache.  I miss his sweet smile and bouncy little walk and how he holds my hand and looks at me with a smile as we are walking and talking.  I miss the fun we had together the day we spent with my child.  I miss him so much, just so much.

I guess I am just going to have to miss him and deal with this deep ache because there is nothing else I can do.  Nothing is going to take it away.  I can't deny it, don't want to try and drink it away, and I can't fake it.  I just hope tomorrow I feel better.  We have a big family party and I want to have a good time.  This week was rough.  I feel like I keep pushing James farther from me when really all I want is him back in my life.  I wish I could just ask and he'd be here.  I wish those words he wrote to me that he does want to be in my life, does love me, and for me to accept it would manifest into reality right fucking now with him contacting me and being his sweet loving kind honest self again.  I wish we could laugh and joke and have a good time together again like two normal mature happy well-rounded good-natured loving kind people who care a ton for each other.  I know he cares about me a lot and loves me and I wish he could be here.  OMG I wish he was here.  It hurts so bad being away from him!!!  We had the most wonderful time together, fun and love and joy.  And lots and lots of blissful kisses.

Such beautiful sweet longggggg sensual passionate kisses.

I don't even know what to do with myself.  I want to curl up into a little ball and cry for the rest of the night but I am mommy so I cannot do that.  I have to wipe my eyes and get a move on.  Pull some cash out of the ATM and go on some carnival rides after eating corn dogs and elephant ears.  Then maybe I'll feel a little better.

Just wish James could be with us.  *sniff*

I wish we could hold each other. 

Oh God how I ache.  

Jen