Video: "Your Words Create Your Worlds"

Your Words Create Your Worlds

A big thank you to one of my blog readers who sent me a video from this guy above.  I saw this other video of his and it was a good reminder for me to keep my mouth shut more often.  To be quiet.  I don't do quiet well.  I talk a lot.  I also like my still quiet time though, like walking in nature, etc.  But I should be more quiet.  It is another strong reminder for me to watch my words.  I am getting better but am far from perfect.  I think the old adage "If you don't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all" is even better advice than many of us ever realized.  My new goal is if I can't say something nice about a person or situation then I will keep my mouth shut.

Great video, thank you Matthew for sending me the other.  I accidentally deleted your blog comment so I lost the other video and the comment but thanks for sharing it. 

I still catch myself saying shitty stuff about other people or situations and I am working daily to practice what this man is teaching here in this video.  Being very mindful of my words because when I speak badly about someone else I am actually bringing harm to that person energetically.  I am beginning to believe that if I were to continuously say something bad about a person like, "He is such an immature jerk" then I have the power to make that person continue to behave like an immature jerk.  Sounds unbelievable I know but I feel it is our responsibility to be careful of our words and this means sending good energy to others through our words, not bad energy.  Again I am not perfect at this at all.  I am a work in progress all the time.  This has been a lot of trial and error.

But let me tell you, using my boss as an example.  Once I started really focusing on what a kind gentle supportive man my boss is {instead of focusing on anything else} I swear to God he started treating me differently.  More positive.  He and I had hit a rough point but I started writing out his good qualities in my journal, thanking him for being patient with me while I am going through all of this emotional stuff, thanking him for giving me a chance, thanking him for holding on to me, thanking him for being a strong mentor, and realizing that he honestly wants the best for me then I swear he started treating me differently.  As a matter of fact the day after I wrote some of this out he came to me and told me he felt we should have a pizza party lunch for the staff because it had been a very long time {notice I am choosing my words here carefully lol} since we had done so.  I told him sure that would be great and then I went back to my office, shut my door and privately pondered the possibility that writing about him with goodness the night before allowed him to... reflect it back to us.  I'd written that I know he cares for us and that he is a very good man, and he truly is.  My boss is one of the most fair and honest people you could ever ask to meet.  He is solid, 100%.  And he has a quiet gentle temperament that works well with me.  I find him to be trustworthy and very fair.  I've worked with him for almost 9 years and as goofy as it may sound I feel he is one of my stronger soul mates but like on a mentor level.  I think he is a big mirror for me.  And again, once I started shifting my focus about him he started acting differently towards me.

I guess that is knowledge I should apply to all aspects of my life and the people in it.  I talk shit sometimes.  I have on here.  And really I know better.  I know to "let stuff go" when it happens.  If something happens that I don't like I should not give it any energy.  Let it go and instead focus on something good.

*sigh*  I do know this stuff.  Just sometimes practicing it and applying it... you know!

Gosh when it comes to James I figure I should stay pretty quiet about him and this experience, even here on the blog I should probably not say a whole lot.  There is not much to say right now that I have not already shared.  I adore him.  I wish he was here in my life right now.  I believe he is out there somewhere loving me and wishing he could be with me and my son.  I feel like he actually wanted to stay with us and wishes he could be here now- and I wish with all of my might I could finally "shift" or change whatever I need to in order for him to come back to me.  He is my dream come true quite literally.  I ordered up the man of my dreams and then James came to me.  He is so dear and wonderful and he is exactly the man I had dreamed of being in my life, my gift.  A strong mature yet sensitive, loving kind and friendly man who would be good to me and my child both.  How could I not totally wish and hope to have him back in my life forever?  He is perfect for me, treated me wonderfully and I'd love to experience life with him again.  I'd be so happy to have him with us, sharing life with us, sitting quietly on the couch with me while we hold hands, embrace and kiss.  Or making love.  Or walking hand in hand.  Or going shopping together and making dinner and taking PJ to the park or watching PJ's soccer game or going to a festival together or hugging and kissing and saying "I love you" when greeting each other after work.  I'd love to be able to look forward to seeing him after work, anticipating going home to see both of my loves.  PJ and James both.  I dream of taking a vacation with him.  Sharing life with him.  My GOD that is what I dream of and wish for and what I'd be so happy to experience in my life, James with us.  I long to be intimate and close and loving with him again.  He was so so so good to me, and he is a doll.  I've never met a man before who is so funny, charming, brilliant, open-minded, progressive, aware, passionate, friendly, loving and uber affectionate all rolled into one walking adorable ball of goodness.  I am so in love with James.  He is unique and special to me.  And that really is all I even feel safe sharing here or anywhere.  I love him.  I'd love for him to be in my life as part of my loving sweet family.  I would absolutely love to share more of the sweet loving genuinely loving experiences we did before when we were together.  Those good sweet moments and experiences are what I want more of with James.  He is love personified for me.  Being in his arms feels like... home to me.  If I were to visit "heaven" or wherever we go once we are no longer human I can imagine the bliss I'd feel would be very similar to the joy I feel sitting on my couch kissing James for hours. 

Take care of yourselves,

Jennifer

Things I Adore

I miss James.  I love him so much.

I heard this song today and it is so beautiful. 

There are so many things that I adore about him.  And he showed me that he adores me too.  He told me I am beauty.  He told me that I am beautiful naturally with no makeup.  He said I am his obsession which is honestly too much for me to even process.  I can't imagine being anyone's "obsession" but I do know that he desires me a lot and loves me even more than he desires me.

I want him to be here with me, to be mine.

I want him to be MINE.  All mine, forever.  "I am certain I am yours." 

This ache is deep.  I want him back with me right now.  I can't really concentrate well.  I ache.  I yearn for him.  I remember him and his sweet kind gentle loving tender silly friendly nature and it blows my heart up because I want him here with me right this very moment.  I am still torn between feeling like I am supposed to be stronger and overcome how sad I feel and/or allowing myself to be overwhelmed by how much I love him and realize I AM going to ache.  Just accept it.  Accept that it's all I can do to keep my son fed and happy in between my tears.  I don't feel like doing much.  I just don't.  I wish James was here.  I miss him.  I ache.  *sigh*  I was doing very good with not drinking but I did drink last night.  Don't ask me why.  I think the text message from the other man when I want to hear from James pushed me hard.  It makes me want to cry.  Whether or not it is part of this "process" does not matter to my HEART.  My heart does not care.  All my heart wants is James back in my arms.  I want to talk to James so so so so so much.  I miss him so bad that I hurt.  I miss him so much and all I want is for him to be back in my life again like he was before.  A friendly caring understanding loving relationship.  

I don't even know what to do.  I'm a mess.  I don't know how God can expect one person to miss another person this much and tolerate it well or at all.  I am not handling it well.  My house is a mess.  I'm unorganized.  I have gained weight.  It's all I can do to be a decent mother, keep up with my child and his needs and make sure I get my ass to work and get my job done so I can earn my pay.  And even then I am productive enough but not as much as I would be if I felt better. 

I wish that he could now.  Could contact me.  Could come back to me.  Could be my loving sweet friend and boyfriend again.  Now. 

There are certain things that I adore... pretty much everything.  He is very gentle, loving and kind and I miss everything about him. 

Hi

Hi.

I had a very good birthday.  I went to Comic Con with my son who was the perfect little PATIENT angel all day long!  This poor little six year-old filled with energy little boy stood in line after line with me over and over again with a smile on his face and he kept hugging me and telling me how happy he was!  Me being the clueless person I am did not think about how much waiting we would be doing.  I also assumed there would be vending and I was frazzled so I didn't pack any snacks.  DUH.  On the drive there he ate a PB&J and some fruit snacks.  But at the convention center there is hardly any vending.  Little guy was hungry.  Luckily I did pack a notebook and his new smelly markers so he could sit and color while we waited.  He could not use my phone to watch anything or play a game because I needed to hold the charge as long as I could.

He was such a good kid all day long, and it was good that I had him because Gillian Anderson and David Duchovny both spoke to him and catered to him which was sweet!  I found my thesis about midnight the night before in the very last place I thought to look, and they both signed it.  David paused to look at the title page and ask me about it which was so cool, and he told me he almost wrote his thesis on one of the other books I used.  I was totally geeked out.  Gillian wished me happy birthday, asked my son's name, said hello to both of us and told PJ to be good to his mom on my birthday.  I almost cried, lol!  They were very rushed so to have them both speak to me made me very happy!  We had fourth row for the panel presentation which was way cool too.  Scully, Mulder, Skinner and Cancer Man were all there.  Seriously awesome.  

And then when we got our photo taken with them David gave PJ knuckles.  PJ was wearing a Captain America shirt {that his daddy put on him which was a great call on his part!} and David said, "Hey Captain America!" and gave him knuckles and I said, "OMG Mulder just gave you knuckles!"  Now whenever I watch the show I'll think, "Hey Mulder gave PJ knuckles!"  They both have kids and they did not see many kids come up to them because not many people waiting to see them brought little kids.  I take PJ with me everywhere so I didn't think to not bring him.  He was so well-behaved that other people were complimenting him and even in the 45-minute panel presentation he sat on the floor and colored and was quiet and amazing.  How blessed I am to have such a great kid!


And our photo is classic.  It looks like we are one happy family, ha!  PJ made the nicest smile of his life and Gillian has her hands on his shoulders and Mulder has his arm around me.  And of course I have a huge cheesy smile on my face. Picture turned out great too. 

Then we were lucky enough to find my son a HUGE super hero sugar cookie right after the photo, after the kid had spent about four hours total waiting in various lines with me, rushing around the convention center trying to find here and there and everywhere and sitting through the panel presentation which to him had to have seemed like paint drying.  My sweet little toot!

Perfect day, seriously.  I am very thankful.  I am always blessed with great experiences.  I really am, and I do appreciate it.  It was a great birthday.

I had to really keep my focus on myself on Saturday.  I could not let any sadness slip in.  I could not think much about meeting James three years ago.  I just could not let myself.  I said hello to him in my energy, wrote a small amount, and that was that.  If I could trade meeting Scully & Mulder for another amazing date with my twin soul- God knows I would have.  Someone said to me, "Well this has to be the best birthday you've ever had!" and I said, "Well it is my second.  I once had another amazing birthday.  I also met someone wonderful that night."  And I mean it.  This was the second most wonderful birthday of my life.  First was three years ago when I met James.  And I surely would have done it again this year had I been able to.  He is who I would have loved to actually spend my birthday with BUT I still had a very good happy birthday for which I am thankful.  Don't think I am not.

I still miss James though.  A lot.  So much that I feel myself trying to close off a bit so I don't ache so much.  I am not sure what else to do.  I hope wherever James is right now he had a good birthday.  I really do.  I love him and wish for his happiness.  I thought of him off and on but I also tried to keep busy.  We had a busy day yesterday too.  Lunch with my parents, cleaned my art room and PJ made some creations while I worked.  I am forcing myself to do SOMETHING even if I don't always want to because I have to.  I just have to, and I don't really even want to talk about it.  What can I say?  I love him.  I really do.  I know he is a good man.  I try to focus only on knowing how wonderful he is.  I focus on the things I would be SO happy to experience with him in the future.

But I live in the NOW.  I live right NOW.  And right now my heart still aches, deeply.  Scully & Mulder or not- my heart aches.  I kept wishing he was with us at Comic Con.  I want him WITH me.  I'd be happy to celebrate our birthdays together.  That is what I wish for, together.  And it aches because I miss him so so so much.  The clear night sky, seeing all the constellations and thinking of him aches.  I used to sit out on my deck at night and talk with him on the phone and I can so clearly remember that, looking up at the stars while talking with him, hearing his sweet voice!  I miss him.  So fucking much.

And I don't understand something.  I am thankful for my blessings.  I am doing my best to get through.  I've told the universe I do want to be happy, right now, blissfully happy.  I want to be as happy as I was when I had James here with me, and I want that with James.  I am happy when I am in love sharing love with another person and I do want that person to be James.  I DO.  I've told God that over and over again.  I want my bliss back.  It was bliss with him, more than anyone else ever.  I love him and my GOD I want my bliss back, my love back.  James.

Last night PJ and I went to our last festival of the season and watched the annual fireworks show.  We had a good time.  He absolutely loves this festival and the fireworks so he was very very happy and excited.  As we were walking home we were looking at the sky and I comments on the stars and mentioned James.  I told him it reminded me of James.  We got home and I got a text from one of my old "loves."  A soul mate.  One that I will get strangely-timed messages from once in a great while.  And it is weird because I'll get a message but then nothing else, not that I want anything else.  Because here is the thing: HE IS NOT JAMES.  I don't wish to hear from this other person.  AT ALL.  Ever.  Not because I don't like him.  I wish him well.  He's a good man.  But I don't care to talk with him.  I WANT TO TALK TO JAMES.  Not someone else!

I get so frustrated when things like this happen!  I don't know why it happens.  Here I ache to speak with my twin soul again.  I think of him all the time.  I love him.  I miss him so much that it hurts.  My biggest wish in the whole wide world is to have James back in my life... and I get a text at 10-something PM from this other person who I have not heard from in ages, who I don't want to hear from, and I actually told him before, a while back, after he reconnected with me that I can't talk with him anymore.  It does not feel right.  It irritates me more than anything because I want it to be James.  I want it to be James.  I only want to talk to James.  If I am going to get a text at 10:13PM at night from a man I really REALLY want it to be James.  Only James.  No one else.

So I hope the universe hears me.  NO MORE.  No-fucking-more!!!  I don't want anyone else.  Do not want to hear from anyone else.  I do not want to talk to any other man- it makes me sad to do so.  Sad.  Because I want to be connected with JAMES and really... it takes a lot for me to keep my patience when this stuff happens because I don't know why it happens.  Why?  To gauge my reaction?  Did something I thought or wrote cause it?  Is is because I've told God I don't want anyone else?  Is that why this happens?  Does me even saying that cause it to happen?

Because it is really fucking annoying.  It is exhausting.  I want to talk to and be with and share time with and live with and LOVE with- James.  Only him.

Maybe my energy yesterday was not the best.  I was not feeling very lovey dovey.  I ache.  I miss James.  That is the problem.  I miss him and it aches deeply, no matter how much I count my blessings.  No matter the huge amounts of fun I can have... I STILL want him with me.  I yearn for him to be with us sharing our fun.  I want him with me.  There is nothing to fill that void, nothing besides his loving presence in my life will ease this ache I have inside me.

And I don't know if this is all... correct energy.  I don't know.  I know what I would love to experience: sharing life with James.  Having a family with James.  Going to bed with James and waking to his smile every morning.  Lavishing him with all the love I have for him.  Allowing him to love me too because I KNOW he loves me.  He cares about me and my son and he wants to show me his love.  And I want that.  I would be happy to experience his love again like I did before.  I am more than ready to accept his love and his wonderful presence in my life.  I KNOW what I want.  I know he is a dear man.  There are hundreds of things I love about him.  I've listed them copiously on my blog already.  I would love to experience being married to him and having our own child together.  I'd be the best mother to his child.  I would love to have his baby.  My son would be an amazing big brother.  And James and PJ would get along well too.  I have my dreams.  I've held on to them through the fucking FIRE.  I know what I want.

But missing him as much as I do tears me up.  I just wish he was back now, forever.  I wish that we could celebrate holidays and special occasions together.  I love him so much.  I miss my friend and love.  Right now I remember him so clearly because the weather reminds me of being with him.  My son and I ended up walking in the same area last night that me and James walked on our first date when James asked if he could hold my hand.  Near the park.  I could almost feel him with me, and it makes me miss him so so much.  To go home and then get a text message from someone else makes me want to cry.  It just makes me want to cry.  It almost feels like divine trickery when I don't understand why it happens, like "ha ha" and I don't understand that because I've done nothing to deserve that.  I don't understand at all why I want to hear from James and I have not thought of this other person at all and then suddenly the other person I don't even care to hear from pops up instead of James when I actually totally ache to connect with James again.  It's like WTF?  Why?  It makes me ache and long for James even more.  Because HE is the one I want to talk to.  Only him.  And I want to talk to him now.  I'd be so happy to see him now.  Hold him now.  Love him now.

What else can I say?  I don't know why these other people pop up here and there but I want nothing to do with them.  I am so glad this other person fell away.  I know it's "orchestrated" somehow but I don't know why.  I am not sure what the message is.  If the universe was feeling me out to see if I'd talk to someone else as a diversion or something to take my mind off things then NO. 

I only want to talk with the love of my life, and that is James.  I'd be very happy to experience being together with him in love now.  Him and only him.

Again, I truly am thankful for the blessed weekend I had.  I don't want to appear thankless.  But I also must be honest.  I had a good fun wonderful time at Comic Con meeting my heroes Special Agents Dana Scully and Fox Mulder, FBI.  LOL.  I am a total fan girl of those two characters, through and through.  Got my thesis signed by them with is probably the most geeked-out moment of my entire life.  It was an enjoyable birthday which is what I hoped for, and I am very thankful.  I kept James in my heart and wished he could have been with us and I hope he had his own happy birthday yesterday.  But I still wish he was here with me, together.  I'd be so happy to share love, life and experiences with him.  I love him so very much.

Jennifer

This Song

This I promise you.

Oh how I love and miss the love of my life.

Then this one is playing.

I can't really explain how much I love this man using human words. There are no words. Only feelings. I know he is my Destiny and meant to be here with me. Forever.

Don't You Wanna Stay

Okay I keep reminding myself that all day on Saturday I will be doing X-Files events along with my little "Dark Vader" because PJ is dressing as Darth Vader and we will be meeting Gillian Anderson and getting her autograph and that starts at 11AM then all throughout the day it will be more autographs and photos and then the panel to wrap it all up.  Very exciting and I want to... enjoy anticipating it.  I am thankful I have the means to do this!  I really am.

Still though I miss James so much!  I keep telling myself, come on!  Be happy!  And I don't want to sound like a party pooper or someone who does not count her blessings.  I honestly am thankful for all I have and the fun stuff we do.  I am thankful for all that I have and I am thankful that I really always have everything I need when it comes to home and money and job and health.  But I still miss the love of my life.  I am kind of lonely, lonely without James.  I miss him with all of my heart.  I do wish something could come along and erase how much I ache for him but I don't think that is possible.  I really wish he was back with me how I had him before.  My love.

I don't listen to country music much anymore.  I used to but lost interest a while ago.  Today though on my way to work this song above played on the "Velvet" XM radio station and it hit me hard.  I have not heard it in a long time but it reminds me of how it felt with James.  Our kisses.  Spending time together and how good it felt being in each others arms.  Not wanting to part.  Never wanting to hang up.  Always wanting to talk to each other.  *sigh*

We had a great date in Chicago right before he left.  And I remember I asked him if he could stay overnight with me.  James always insisted on ample amounts of "pillow talk" time where after making love we'd cuddle and talk.  He told me he did not want to make love if we did not have that time afterwards to be close and snuggle.  Pillow talk.  So I asked him as we were cuddling if he could stay but he said not that night but sometime soon he would stay over.  But, you know, he was gone soon after that.

I'd give almost anything to have him sleep with me all night long and wake together, snuggled up and cuddled up.  Always.  Every night.  My heart.  My poor heart can barely handle this.  I would have been okay on my way to work today had I not heard this song.  I, of course, bawled.  Had to take off my glasses because I fogged them all up from my hot tears.  And fuck me I am having one of those days where I keep wanting to cry.  And I don't like that.  I wish he was here so the tears could be gone now.

I don't even know what to do with this feeling, this overwhelming feeling of I WANT JAMES IN MY LIFE.  I know he is meant to be here.  HE himself emailed me not long ago and told me he wants to be with me and YES he loves me!  I know he loves me and I know he wants to be with me so I wish he was here.  He told me to accept it, and I DO accept it.  I want only him.  I know he is a good man, and I know he loves me and wants a life with me.  And YES I will admit it is not easy when I get messages like that and then continued quiet.  It freaks me out and I lose focus.  I want him back NOW.  Right NOW.  I want everything with him all the time.  I've never loved another man even close to how I love James, not even close.

I want to scream and cry.  I actually do scream and cry out how much I miss him because I feel like I could die with how bad I hurt inside, how deeply I ache for him.  I just want him back with me.  Forever.  I want us together, a family.  But I know I have to get through the silence even if it means missing him this much.  I have to deal with the quiet while I continue to do my "work" and I am.  I am doing what I can.

But I want him back with me.  I want to be on the other side of all of this, with him back in my life and my arms, as part of my family.  Like we talked about.  I want the dreams we talked about.  I want to look into his eyes while we exchange our wedding vows like he said the night he left.  The night he said it was not really goodbye.  He said that.  He asked me if I was going to look into his eyes when we exchange our vows.  YES- I want that.  I want to look into his beautiful blue eyes while I tell him that I want to be with him FOREVER.  I want to be his forever.  My heart already belongs to him but I want him here with me now. 

I wish that could happen now.  I do my private writings.  I honestly do work at this because I feel it is the only way to make this happen, watching my energy closely, working to shift it back to only love and truth.  I had a "stranger thing" happen to me the other day.  It was just so odd, something to do with my phone, like a tech glitch but it had to do with him.  And I showed my roommate so she could actually see this one {because these things happen often} and she agreed- not an accident, and yes strangely divine.  But why?  Well I think, and hope, it was a "gentle" nudge because my thoughts that morning were not the best.  And maybe, just maybe, this was showing me to keep my thoughts on track.

At least I hope so because these things happen but I don't always know why.  I often make some stupid choice and then realize I missed all the signs "guiding" me not to make the choice so now I am trying so hard to be pro-active and watch my thoughts, words and actions so I don't do anything stupid to keep he farther away from me.

But I wish it was faster.  I wish I saw quicker results.  Although YES I am thankful for the "signs" or messages I have received because they let me know he is still out there, and I know he wants to be with me.  And I hope those signs and messages keep coming.  But I ache because I want him here with me.  I keep hearing this song...

And I really do hope it is a message from James through spirit telling me to please always remember that he loves me because I do hurt.  I feel just like this song says.  Lonely.  Sad.  I ache to the depths of my soul.  And maybe he wants to remind me that he does love me even if he is not here right now.  Even if I hurt.  And it hurts.  Being with him feels good.  It felt so so good being with him.  Seeing him again recently felt good too, while he was here.  WHILE HE WAS HERE IN MY ARMS it felt good.  Do you understand?  I want him IN my life.  To stay, always.  Completely and fully.  I want a relationship with him.  A marriage.  I wish for that with all my heart.  I dream of it.  I want to marry him and dance with him and hold him in my arms and be so thankful to be through all of this and to have him back with me.

Ugh, and I will write it here because I have to so I don't lose my composure.  And if I avoid my feelings then I will lose focus.  And I don't want to push this away over and over again.  Or turn from him in my energy.  I just want to allow it to happen now.

I love him so much.  It was bliss when he was in my life.  I want him and his sweet love back in my life for always.  But I don't know if I am "doing" things right and then I get kind of freaked out, and right now I feel like that.  Like I am not sure if I am focusing on the "right" stuff or not.  I AM thankful for all I have and my blessings.  Yet I am still somewhat sad because I miss James and I want him here with me.  And it almost makes me not want to focus at all.  Not out of not wanting to but because I get confused.  I know I love him.  I know he is a good man.  I am very thankful that he was in my life, here in a real-life relationship with me human being to human being.  I love him and my human friend and soul connection, and I believe he loves me but I also miss him and it aches, and I'm just not sure what to do with all of it. I am grateful and appreciate how good he was to me.  But I miss him and want him here, now.  I have a lot inside me right now and I don't know how to process it all. 

You Mean The World to Me

You Mean The World to Me

Having a bit of a hard time this morning because there are some times when this all seem so unbelievable to me.  I am aching to hear from James.  It blows my mind sometimes because this is all so not "normal" and so different than most of "real life."

I want to be with James again in a loving "real life" relationship.  Really.  It is frustrating to me how badly I want to KNOW my loving friend like I used to, and I am not quite sure how to make that happen.  I want him in my arms and even to just have a conversation with him would be heaven BUT since we are all manifestors I should say what I REALLY want is it all.  All of it.  I want full union with James.  I want him to be back in my life like I had him before, fully loving me and sharing life with me, in a loving relationship with me, my adorable boyfriend who would be my future husband like we were already talking.  The one man I want to shower with ALL of my love in ALL ways, every single one.  I want to pick up where we left off back then, talking of marriage, loving each other freely and openly, always and in ALL WAYS.

THAT is what I want with him.  I want for him to be with me and stay with me forever and ever.

I understand it concerns energy and my intention and where my thoughts go, and I am trying so hard to monitor my thinking.  Honestly I don't like having to monitor my thinking but I will in order to get my twin soul back to me FOREVER.  I am willing to do pretty much anything for that.  I ache to be with him.  I keep hearing that song "I'm Just One Call Away," and it kills me.  Because I want to be able to just call James and talk to him.  I want to email him and get a response.  I want to send a text message and actually have a conversation... like fully boyfriend and girlfriend in a committed love relationship.  I want him here in my arms, on my couch, us holding each other.  I just want to hold him for a long time. Lots of hugs, real hugs.  I want TRUTH and "real."  Love.  Only love.

I want my dear loving kind friend back in my life.  The guy who made me smile and laugh all the time.  I miss his silly friendly personality.  I was reading back through my journals and I found the time when we reconnected some months after this all started.  And he emailed me and sounded like himself again.  He was talking about coming back and seeing me.  He said he wanted to come back and spend time with me, take me out, and make me laugh and see me smile again.

How sweet is that?  He said he wanted to... something about making me smile and hearing me laugh again, like he wanted to make me laugh and he wanted to see me smiling.  Because he knew I had not been smiling.  He knew, and I am certain he was unhappy about it.  But when he was able to be himself again he told me he needed to get back to his love.  He said he wanted to get back so we could discuss "what to do about our love."  He said our lovemaking was real and genuine.  He said he needed to see me.  And it was so cute and sweet because he said, "And if you still have a spark for me I want to make love with you but only if you want to, if not then we will be friends forever."

Well as if, right?  I've wanted him back with me forever so... of course I wanted to make love with him, and still do, but I love how gentle and kind he was.  Careful of my feelings.  He said he needed to take me out on a date so we could get re acclimated.  And THAT kind tender nature is James.  That is my James.  Kind, caring, compassionate and protective is him.  And I am absolutely devastated right now that he is not in my life.  I need him in my life!  I miss him so much that it hurts.

I have not heard my most important "message" song in a few weeks and I wish I would because it would calm me just a bit.  Just a tiny bit.  But I did hear one last night as I was driving home and I cried so hard.  All I want to do is love James.  It is so frustrating when all I want to do is be good and kind and loving to him.  I ache for him.  I have nothing else to say at this point!  I know he is a good man.  We were wonderful together, a pure and real and genuine love.  We should be together.  We are meant to be together.  We should be kissing every day.  I want to kiss him again so much.

Missing him this much is bittersweet.  I'd much rather have him here in my life so I no longer miss him.  I want to be able to actively love him, his human self in person.  That is what I want.  I will always love him in my heart but I am dying to have him back in my life.  And I am honestly trying on my end to do what is needed, or what I think I need to do, in order to shift this.  I know I am not perfect but I am really trying.

I do okay for a few days, like maybe I get busy or something and I am able to kinda push it to the back of my mind.  He is still in my heart but not as 100% on my mind.  But once those few days of busy are over then he is what is on my mind.  Besides my own child he is really the only thing that matters to me.  And he was gentle and kind to me.  That is reality.  Reality is he was good to me, and my son.  And I miss the dear man I dated.  I miss the man who hugged me when he met me, all sweet and adorable.  Such a good man.  I miss James.  I love him and I miss him.  I want nothing more than to have him back in my life how I knew him three years ago.  I wish he could come back to me.  I wish I knew... more.  I wish it was not so unknown.  The quiet bothers me because I feel like I am in limbo.

I've had things here and there that I know are signs but I don't always know what they mean.  All I can do is tell myself they are giving me nudges to stay on track.  To remind to me keep my thoughts in order.  To stay the course.  Not stray off.  And I understand that.  

But I miss him.  I ache to hear from him.  I am not going to lie.  I can sit here and say I understand why I don't hear from him, and really I do understand.  I have kept him away numerous ways.  I know.  But I wish that could change, like right now.  RIGHT NOW.  I wish I knew how to change that right this very moment.  *sigh*  Because even though I understand it I still miss him, drastically. I want him back with me.  And only him.  No one else.  I am so in love with him, and he is who I dream of having in my life with me and my son.

James and PJ would be so good together.  James would love my child's enthusiasm and curious personality.  PJ always wants to know more, wants to investigate, wants to build and engineer and test and create.  He has a little engineer or scientist's mind.  He is always thinking, and often outside of the box.  My son has charisma, and so does James.  They would get along well.  James would have fun with PJ, and PJ would adore being with James.  I just wish it could be soon.  It breaks my heart that... James should have been with us since three years ago.  He was so very kind to me about my son, and kind to my son.  He was a real catch.  I could not ask for a better man to have in my life, as part of my family, and I miss him so very much.  

Now

I can't blog right now. I don't have much to say here. My focus needs to be private at this time. I love James and miss him but it is difficult realising I'm the one who has perpetuated all of what I don't like. I see what I have done that has kept him away. And then I just keep missing him. And what is the use of writing that here? No use. Best thing I can do is energy management which I have to practice alone.

The challenge for me is I do miss James and I don't like the silence. Knowing what a wonderful man he is makes me miss him even more. I want to know him again, his loving kind self. But in order to know him again I guess I have to work through the silence yet being away from him makes me sad. So my life can be very happy but inside I'm still sad because I miss him. It is a big jumble of emotions I am trying to keep balanced. I miss him so much. All I wish and pray for and work towards in my energy is to know James like I did when I met him.

I hope all is well with anyone who might be reading my blog. Enjoy the final days of summer.

Jennifer

We Kissed...

Like making love could wait.

We kissed like making love could wait and it was beautiful.  And we did wait, and it was so so beautiful.  The kissing was beautiful.  The waiting was beautiful.  And when we did make love it was absolutely beautiful too.

I want to kiss his lips for the rest of my life.

Intensity

I wish there was like a volume switch for intensity so I could turn down my feelings.  I feel too much for James.  There are too many memories, good things to remember and one would think that is a really great thing except those good memories make my heart ache.

There is a difference- bad memories make me scared.  Or angry.  Good memories are bittersweet and they make me melancholy.  Because I wish he was in my life.  It is hard to remember him vividly, his sweet kisses and tender touches, and love him more and more but not want him with me.


I wish he was here with me.  Two people who love each other should be together, and I know he loves me.  But I have a hard time with certain things, and I try so hard to see them from a "higher perspective."  Like I tell myself when he reaches out to me it might not necessarily be because he can open the door to contact yet but he is showing me that he's out there still.  Letting me know he does think of me and wants me and is doing what he can to let me know this can still change.

I do appreciate that but I need more.  I need more.  I want to talk to James like I can any other person in my life.  I know he loves me.  I know he is a good man.

And honestly, if you hadn't noticed by now, I write here to keep my sanity.  Because I swear I know what is happening.  I know what I've done to get me right where I am and all I want more than anything in the whole wide world is to change it.

Quickly.

Quickly because no matter what I do he is on my mind as long as I am awake and it is very challenging to deal with.  I'm so emotionally exhausted guys.  Not for any reason besides I am wiped out from missing him.  And hoping.  And feeling like I am supposed to be working at it.  Which makes me believe he will be back but then I hope he will be back and... disappointment is a killer.  So when he reaches out and I hope and hope that I will continue to hear from him but then I don't I get disappointed.  Simply because I want to talk with him so much.

Same old shit I know.  But I ache.  I ache.  I am restless, so restless.  I remember him so vividly.  I remember him here recently kissing me and commenting on my galaxy tights and asking me, "Can we take these off?"  LOL.  *sigh*  I want him back so bad.  He is so sweet and tender and lovely.  It feels so much better being with him.  I wish so badly he could come back soon.  Reach out to me

I had not had a dose of the "real" James in a long time before he got here a few months ago.  It was so nice to see him but what you might not be able to understand is it was a fucking relief to "feel" the James I knew again, to a point.  The James I know he is is way more talkative and open but still he was gentle and smiley and cute, and he felt way more like himself.  I had not felt that for so long.

And NOW AGAIN I am dying to hear from him again.  The real him.  Truth.  My sweet loving friend who loves me.  I can't stand it I want to talk with him again.  Really him.  The man I dated.  The man I know loves me and wants me in his life.

I just pray that God helps me through this because I feel like I am getting through day by day.  Like right now I am so damn tired and I still need to go home and be a mom but I'm drained.  Dealing with emotions is... wuthering. 

I wish I could turn down my heart.

Right...

See it's memes like this that fuck me up.

THIS is what I had when I dated James.  Seriously.  It was so easy and sweet, natural.  He never made me sit around waiting to hear from him.  He always said hello.  He was respectful and kind and reassured me even when I did not ask for it.  He just knew to do so.

It felt like home being with him.  It really did.  I felt so comfortable with James.  I was excited to see him always but I never felt anxious with him.  Sometimes when I was away from him I felt anxious but that was because when I was WITH him my brain slowed down.  Kissing for hours does that to a person, quiets the fuck out of the yapping brain.  He would kiss me and my brain would melt and then I would not think about anything but him, how much I loved being close to him.  *sigh*  I always felt comfortable and safe and accepted with him.  I could tell how much he loved me and wanted to be nice to me.  He showed me that he clearly knew my worth and appreciated me.

And yes it was simple and sweet.  I felt like I could be myself.  He allowed me to be myself.  Again, it was just so easy being with him!!!  Comfortable and joyful.  Blissful.

Right.  Very very right.  And good.

It was when I was away from him that all Hell would break loose in my head and then I'd fear stupid shit, and fearing stupid shit got me right here- separated from the love of my life and feeling like Hell.  I feel like Hell.  No matter all the fun things I plan, the good people in my life, the enjoyable times I have with my child it still feels like total and complete holy Hell being apart from James.

I want back what we had, the sentiment above.  His loving reassuring sweet kind gentle nature.  Kisses and more kisses.  Tender touched.  I miss his soft friendly loving self.

I am so sad. I am so fucking sad. I miss him so much and remembering how good we were together makes me immensely sad.  And it seems there is nothing I can do to overcome that fucking sadness, and it is hard to handle.  It is so hard to handle.  I have all this great stuff in my life and I tell myself, "Buck up!  Come on!  Get on the ball.  Shake it off.  Be happy.  Count your blessings!" and I can count my blessings until I am blue in the face but I am still god damn sad from missing him.

Memories

Well my birthday is getting closer.  And I'm already trying to prepare myself emotionally because it wipes me out.

Listen our loving memories are great, little jewels.  I like thinking about James and our time together but it also aches.  I cannot help that.  I remember my 40th birthday in absolute vivid details since that was the night I met James face to face, and it was one of the absolute best moments of my life.  It was an amazing first date, the best I ever had by far.  Meeting him was one awesome birthday gift.  I had been looking forward to meeting him and then when I did I nearly had to pinch myself because I was so happy and thought I might be dreaming.  I even sneaked off to the bathroom to text my friend and tell her he was fabulous, just as I thought he'd be.  Sweet and friendly and... adorable, my God is he cute.  He took my breath away and I felt very lucky and fortunate to meet him.  In a world of like 5 billion people I felt like I hit the dating lotto in somehow finding this man and making it all the way up to meeting him after hours spent on the phone and multiple emails and texting.  

Did I mention it was the best first date ever?  He walked up to me with a huge smile and hugged me and he was so nice that the thought makes me almost want to scream because I KNOW THAT IS HIM and I know he cares for me so this quiet makes me utterly insane.  That entire night is one of my most bittersweet memories.  I love the memory but it kills me inside, literally guts me.  I can't think of it without crying.  Because I miss him and I wish he was going to be with me on this upcoming birthday.  It's been very very hard handling this huge gaping hole losing him has left in my life and in my heart.  I do not handle it well.  I am sad and achy and frustrated and all I want is my Love back in my life. 

Well for this year's birthday I am meeting Scully and Mulder of The X-Files.  My son and I are going to Comic Con in Chicago and I bought a VIP pass to meet them, get an autograph and a photo, and we have guaranteed seating at their panel presentations.  Rock on.  I am so excited and I have something fun to look forward to on my birthday because the thought of another birthday like last year where I wanted to kill myself just does not fly with me.  YES I realize he loves me but not being in contact with him does not suit me well at all.  I don't like it.  I have to accept it.  I am literally forced to accept that fact that he is not physically in my life when I want him to be but I don't like it, and I can't like it.  I just can't come to a point in all of this where I am able to feel "thankful" for the silence or whatever.

I just cannot find it in myself to be that surrendered.

I want to hear from my Love.  I want him IN my life.  IN my life.  WITH me.  TOGETHER.  I wish he was going to Comic Con with me and my son instead of only the two of us.  I am tired of it being only the two of us.  I want James with us.  Look, I adore my son but I miss James.  I want him with us.  I want to share fun experiences with him.  It kills me.  It KILLS ME.  

So I splurged and bought myself this pass.  On my birthday.  So I will be meeting Scully & Mulder on my birthday and the only thing that could be better than that is... yes, you guessed it, spending my birthday in contact with James, or with James.  I wish I could have another night with him like the night I first met him.  No, I want a million nights like that with him.  Walking along together hand in hand, smiling little smiles at each other, him talking all his science talk and telling me what I would weight on the moon, being his cute little Science Trip self.  Swinging on the swings together.  Laughing.  Talking.  OMG I already loved him then.  The sensation of our hands together with him rubbing the palm of my hand with his thumb was true bliss.  I won't ever forget that night.

And his good night kiss.  *thud*  Seriously can he kiss.  He laid one on me and I was like, "Wait, what's my name again?" because I could not even think.  I could not breathe.  I actually looked at him, speechless, and leaned in for another kiss because the first one was so so so good I could not stop myself.  And we kissed for a moment until we pulled away with small shy laughs like, "Well.  So there is that, and it is GOOD!"  Ugh.  Just super duper ugh.

And then he got home and immediately text me telling me how happy he was to meet me.  He thanked me and said happy birthday again, told me he was so looking forward to seeing me again.  The entire night he was all huge smiles and friendliness and wonderful and kind and respectful and GREAT.

Perfect.

So the last two birthdays that have passed without having him in my life have really kicked the fucking snot out of me.  And I don't want that for myself this year.  My birthday is bittersweet.  Sweet because I met the love of my life, bittersweet because my heart aches for him so much that I can barely breathe.

Like right now writing this- I can barely breathe.  It aches to remember him so clearly, to imagine that intensely sweet kiss and how much I adored him that first night.  Oh my GOD!  I can barely tolerate the ache I feel remembering him, and I need help getting through it this year.  I ache so bad.

If I could choose between spending my birthday with Scully & Mulder or James, I'd choose James in a heartbeat.  I wish I could spend my birthday with him again.  And be there to tell him happy birthday the following day.  I miss him so so so much.  I miss James with everything I have inside of me.  I wish I could hear from him again NOW.  Right now.

I'm really trying to deal with this okay.  I know the man loves me.  He fell in love with me and really liked my son.  I know that after getting to know me, and knowing the mother I am, he felt that he met the woman he could be with and he saw himself with us.  He WANTED to be with us.  He was happy to think of sharing a future with us.  I know this.  And I know it did not change.  He did not really want to leave.  He'd be here if he could, and I so wish he could be.  He still wishes he could be here and he misses me.  I know that the quiet and all the stuff I have not liked is not "real."  I swear it was not what he really wanted.  He told me if he met the right woman and fell in love with her, and if she had a good family, it could be enough to make him want to stay.  And he did find the right woman, fell in love with her and I DO have a great family.  He fell in love with me and I just know I am right.  He wanted to be with us.  No question.  So it is really frustrating to be separated from him.  I do talk to him in spirit, all the time.  I write as my energy work.  But I really would love to talk to him for real now, not just through spirit or energy or through my heart.  I am human and I want HUMAN contact with my Love.

I know he cares for my son and would rather be with us, sharing life with us, than anything else.  I just know it.  I also know he is the sweet kind man I met on my 40th birthday, who treated me with utmost respect and kindness, who could not get enough of my kisses, and who came back and loved me three months ago with the same tenderness and intensity as before.  I KNOW he loves me, desires me and wants me and wants to be in my life.  So to be away from him is so painful.  James is the only man I want in my life but I do want him, now.  ASAP.  I miss him and I want him in my life.  I do want a relationship with him.  I had a relationship with him.  That is what we had- a strong romantic love relationship.  For anyone to tell me any different is wrong.  It was a relationship.  And I want a real life relationship with him again.  I want to touch him and kiss him and cook for him and climb into bed next to him and worship his sexy naked body every night.  I want a family with him.  He and PJ would be so good together.  It makes my heart ache.

I want it all, and it is making me nuts.  I don't think I have ever felt as crazy through all of this as I do right now, and it is because I want him with me so badly... I ache to know him again like I once did, truth.  Real, sweet, kind, friendly, loving.  The perfect man.

So yeah I am blessed, and I try to pass those blessings on when I can.  I am thankful for the goodness in my life.  I am thankful that I get to go to Comic Con and meet my buddies Scully & Mulder- and I am hoping to take my MA thesis with me so they can sign it, if I can find it.  PJ will have a blast.  I am going to see what super hero he wants to be so I can get the costume for him to wear that day, and I already have my "I Want to Believe" t-shirt.  

I will still keep James in my heart that day but I can't sit at home crying.  I just can't.  I don't like feeling like that.  It sucks and I don't deserve it.  I DO love him.  I think he is a great guy and I know he loves me.  He never wanted to leave me.  He wanted to stay with me and I am very sorry that he couldn't.  But that was then and this is now, and I am doing my absolute best to try and shift my shit around.  I love him to no end.  I feel like he should be here, together with me and my son.  He is the only man I want.  But I want him!!!  I wish he could actually be here, back in my life.  I try so hard to be happy but... my God nothing made me truly as happy as having James in my life, and nothing will.  Not even Scully & Mulder.  I miss my Love so much.  To me he is perfect.

Jennifer

I cannot be without you... matter of fact.

Being Positive

 
Normally at this point I get so frustrated that I want to distract or run off somehow.  I start questioning and doubting or googling or I let my imagination run wild.  I want some kind of answers.

And vodka.  I want vodka.

But I don't want to do any of those things.  I won't get any answers. It does no good and only harm to doubt, total backsliding. I'm trying my hardest to avoid hard liquor, and I'm also working to not drink at all.  It gives me heartburn and I'm sure contributes to my weight gain.  And also I'm spending money when I don't need to, could be putting that cash to much better use even if just a trip to the local pool.  It's a waste.

So how do I feel?  I miss the fuck out of this guy.  I love him so much it makes me feel like I am going to climb the walls since he is not in my life.  It is this total angst feeling, and it does not feel good.  I don't even know what to do with it.  I cry.  I try to go out and have fun or relax or focus on work but damn it is not easy.  I write.  I open my journal and write our loving memories and all of the things I dream of doing with him.  I want to walk on the beach with him hand in hand.  I want to cook dinner with him.  I want to live with him.  I want to talk with him.  Soon. I want me and James and PJ to spend time together.  My last fortune cookie says that I want a home and family is most important to me.  And that hits home for me.  I do have a "home" but I want a home and family with James.  Not just me and PJ.  James is supposed to be with us.  Our family.  I feel so out of sorts.  I want him to share a home with us, be our home.

My God.  So yeah.  I feel a bit down.  I can't help it!  Man oh man if I could achieve some level of joyfulness I'd be so thankful.  I read these spiritual memes from like Buddha and Yoda and whoever else out there who has ever come up with some saying that people preach as truth that explain we need to control our feelings, this situation should not control my emotions.  Like I should not let this make me feel sad at all.  I should think positive and know he is coming back and feel happy about it!  And you know what?  I actually do have some sense of peace over events that have happened recently, no matter how small they may seem.  I know this has shifted "higher" and that's great.  I know he is out there, and I know he loves me!  I do know he loves me and I know he wants a life with me!  So I should be happy, and I am happy about that.  I am thankful.  But not knowing when I am going to hear from my Love or see this man I adore and waking every morning without him in my life makes me feel blue.  Yes, like Elton John.  Just like that.  "I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blue."  I want to spend time with James. I want to be near him.  I want to be able to touch him and kiss him whenever I want to, which would be very often.  I want to kiss and touch him lots.  I want to look forward to going home at night because I know I will get so see my Love soon.  That is SO what I want.  To blissfully share life with him.
   

I'm not going to say "I'm lonely."  That is too general of a statement.  What I very specifically mean is I miss James so much that I feel like I am going crazy.  There is not one other person in my life who if I emailed or called or text I would not get an answer. So this situation with James is unnerving.  Totally.  And it is very hard to stay positive when I want to talk to him SO much yet no matter how much I want it- the wanting it alone does not change the situation.  I can't lie.  That frustrates me to the point of total distraction.  Not because I feel like I'm being ignored but because I WANT to talk to my friend.  I miss him.  I want what I want.  I would not be trying or working at this if I did not want to have my friend and love back in my life.

Damn.  All around me people are having issues with their significant others.  I listen to them and see them and I know that James would not be like that.  He would be a good husband.  I am not saying the man is flawless or would never have a bad moment but overall I can tell he would be a good supportive MATURE loving husband.  Not all pouty or moody or never wanting to have fun.  It is hard to know I had someone so wonderful in my life and he is not here right now.  I hope that makes sense.  I know I had a total gem; my guidance was correct and it kills me that all of this happened.  I wish I could have avoided it and he could still be here!  I really do!  So I do have regret, and this aching desire to have back what I once had.  My blessing.  I want my blessing back.  He is unique and special.  Different in a very good way.  I would be so lucky to have him here in my life!  And yeah I think he would be lucky to have me too because I am a good loving woman and when I really love someone and that person is the special person in my life I only want to treat him well and love him and be good to him.  But with James- James would be receptive of that.  We would make a good match because we both love the same way.  He is very loving, kind, affectionate and attentive.  He did make me a priority, and I know as a husband he would be that way.  He'd make his wife a priority.  He even told me this.  He is a mature loving kind of man.  I know this is truth so it makes it very hard to be away from such goodness.  I want him back.  Plain and simple.  I absolutely ache to have him back with me. Because he is wonderful and besides my child he is the best thing that has ever came to me.  He blessed my life and I am sad he is not here now.  I miss him a lot.  It is hard to deal with.

And it seems there is very little in 3D that I can do about it except for focusing on my energy work.  And that can still be frustrating even after all of this time.  I'm human.  I am used to communicating person to person "in real life."  So it's been a huge challenge for me to "surrender" to communicating through energy instead of talking with James in person.  Like as a human being I want to just be able to email and tell him how I feel and that have him respond like we did when we were dating.  I want our wonderful communication and fun talks and flirty sharing love back.  I wish that could happen now.  Still I crave that human connection with him.  I only want it with him.  But I have been shown in order to "reap" that loving human connection I have to sow goodness and truth through my energy firstly, and consistently it seems.

Which I am working on.  I have to.  I have no other choice if I want to hear from him again.  And I do.  I really do.

But I miss him so much that it hurts, and that ache, the constant lump in my throat, the wishing he was here, wears at me and makes me worn out emotionally.  I can't do it all.  I can't have this ache yet still be all peaceful and balanced and joyful.  I keep hearing the song "Just Remember I Love You" by Firefall.  It says, "Just remember I love you and it will be alright."  Well yes I do believe he loves me and I am thankful for his love.  I swear I am.  But at the same time knowing he loves me but him not being here with me does not make it all okay.  I miss him.  I still miss him.  I want him with me.  Knowing he loves me does not erase the ache of wanting him here in my arms so badly. 

I am actually a much more fun light-hearted person that how I appear on my blog.  Really I am.  It's just that I've dealt with emotional heart-issues for ages.  I don't even remember how it feels to be truly happy without having to work for it.  I remember how blissful it felt being with James- I do remember that.  That is me happy and... well, me.  Real me.  THIS is not fully the real me because I ache, all the fucking time, and it is very hard to be the real me when I am always missing someone every single minute I am awake.  I want him back.  More than I have ever wanted anything in my whole entire life.  I've never experienced such strong love for a man before, not like this.  It takes my breath away.  It is always there, like I said unless I am sleeping.  If I am sleeping then it is a thankful reprieve.  And I sleep well, thank GOD.  I am blessed that I sleep well.  By the end of the day I have dealt with missing this man so much that I am emotionally exhausted and I sleep hard.

I don't mean to be negative.  I feel that James loves me and one day we will be back together.  I have hope that this will come together.  But I ache without him.  That is truth.  There is no denying it.  I can't lie about it or fake being all cheerful.  I feel positive that he loves me.  Positive that he is my twin soul.  Positive that I can eventually change this but for right now I miss him.  And it aches.

It is ironic because I actually am a funny person.  When I used to write fiction it was funny.  My characters are humorous and smart-asses and I have good humor.  But it does not really seem like it now since I can't escape this... ache.  It is all I can say.  It weighs on me and colors my existence.  If I am going to "hold on" and love him and stay focused on him while hoping to one day have him back in my life then YES I am going to ache for him, and no it might not be the most comfortable feeling in the world but there is nothing else I can do.

I just wish he was back and we could be happy together.  You have no idea.  He was so so so good to me and a wonderful person.  Such a blessing to have in my life so being without him... I can't even find the words.  I want him back in my life!  He was a blessing to my son too and I wish James could be here with us both again.  He would be amazing with my child, oh my God.  Amazing.  A total blessing.  I love him and miss him so much.

This morning my son woke and immediately said, "I love you."  I told him I love him too.  And then as he woke up more he wanted a cuddle and he grabbed "my" teddy bear that he named "James Bear."  He grabbed the bear and gave him to me and said, "Here is James Bear mommy."  I told him as we cuddled with my bear and his bear that I hoped one day it would be the real James with us instead of just James Bear.

Thinking

 

And then there is this.  I want THIS with James. He's always said he wants to make love to me every night and kiss me in person every morning.  *sigh*

I love him, and I miss him.  Not sure I'm handling this very well?  It is a bit of a challenge because I do love him and miss him so much, and I feel in my heart that he loves me and misses me too.  He wants to be here.  We are meant to be together.  So it really hurts being away from my love.  And yes, I will admit the silence bothers me because I ache to talk to him again.  Yet I know he cannot talk to me unless the energy is right.  <---- THIS- this is what pushes me so hard.  I WANT to talk to him, now.  Yet I know he can't come back to me as his loving kind self unless the energy is right for that.  Just double ugh. I understand although is it so fucking challenging to want something so badly and not have it, right now, especially when I can remember just how perfect and sweet and loving he is, and I want his sweet loving kind self back badly.  But all I can do is hold on.  Seriously, just love him, know him, own that he loves me and hold on.  I don't want anyone else.

I seriously cling to the belief of James as my future like a man would cling to a life raft in the middle of the roiling ocean.  But I feel I am meant to.  He is supposed to be my future.  My husband.  I don't want to go at this half-assed like "Well if he is meant to be mine then the universe will bring him to me."  NO!  He is the air I would kill to breathe.  I want to breathe him again.  Like NOW.  I want to breathe him in again, noses nuzzled together being so close and kissy and good that we are breathing in each others air.  That is what I want forever.  He is so perfect and loving and good and he is the man I am meant to be with.  To kiss and touch.  To be touched.  To kiss.  He is the man I am meant to kiss, and he is meant to kiss me.  ME.  I know this.  I am meant to be his and his only.

I know James wants to kiss me.  I know it!

I have this wonderful child to love and take care of for the time being.  I have to suck it up and be strong knowing that James will be back with me.  I need to get back on the ball.  I've been faltering a little in certain areas because my heart- oh my heart!  I wish James could be back right now.  Right this very minute.  He is so cute and sweet and wonderful and my arms ache to hold him.  I am fighting hard to not derail.  I gotta focus on my real life stuff while holding tight to James in my heart.  I miss my love and wish we could be together soon and, note to self, my twin soul has shown me- he has SHOWN ME HIMSELF- to focus.  Focus focus focus.  I swear I know that not long ago when he contacted me he was telling me- he can't do this until the energy is right.  But he wants to.  That is key.  He wants to, and I am trying so hard to be patient and focused.  I swear all I can say right now is "God help me."  For real.  God help me because it is driving me nuts missing him and wanting him and loving him this much.  I am oh so ready to stay focused so this lovely and dear man can come back to me already.

I'm tired and wish anyone who is reading this well.

I love you my sweetheart.

Jennifer

When You Love Someone

When you love a person and that person is not in your life then it is natural to miss the one you love. It is an emotion many songs are written about.

"I miss you like crazy" was sung by Natalie Cole.
"And I'll be missing you. Babe I love you" was Styx.

The list goes on and on. When we love people and they are not here we miss them. When my child is with his dad for an extended amount of time I miss him but I can pick up the phone and call him to hear his voice.

I miss James. It is pretty simple. I love him. He is not here. I wish he was here. My arms ache to hold my love. I feel we would be so much better together and that is what I believe he feels too.

I've been reading through my old guidance. It stopped coming to me directly about the end of 2014. But I was told repeatedly to love him unconditionally. To know he was helping to heal me. I was told to always remember the silence was not a bad thing, not to be hurtful but was part of the process. I was told he was sacrificing for me, to help me heal things inside me and face fears. And to love him for it. And to write write write BUT I was told "If he is written as celebrated instead of Hellish experience" then I would be on the right track.

Celebrated. As in my loving friend who was helping me and really does still love me but is doing his "job" for me. I wish I would have understood that better and followed it. I do love him so much no matter the circumstances and I believe we have a unique connection. I don't have this strong connection with anyone else but James. I'm glad it is him of all people. Only this sweet man could be my twin soul. Anyone else and I could not have handled it. Him... he is too wonderful to allow fear to steal him from me. So I keep him in my heart, my kind sweet friend.

One thing though. As I look back at what I have felt and written over these last couple years I'm not surprised he is gone. It is a humbling experience to look back and see how differently I feel now from then. I'm so aware that my own energy creates situations in my life to where I'm asking God to please just help me speak and write only goodness. No bitching. It is not necessary to complain. It takes some work let me tell you. I've bitched here on my blog too about stuff in my life but I'm trying to follow the old adage of if you can't say anything nice then STFU. I know 100% that James has shown me my shadowy energy so I can find out how to release it and not feel it any more. And I can tell you that for me I would rather be filled with love and missing someone I love than feeling a hateful anger (even just privately) because I know now what that energy could bring me and it ain't pretty. I prefer tears of "God I love you and miss you so much and wish you were back with me. I see what you are for me and I appreciate you but I miss you and wish you could come back now, Love" than feeling bitterness or resentment. I strive for peace joy and love but I really miss James a lot. But I can clearly see what energy inside of me has kept up separated. I hope I can heal that now.

I do miss him. But I'm trying to shift out of feeling anything hopeless because he has shown me he is out there, that he loves me and wants me. I know James loves me and I love his love!! I wish I was strong enough to be content just in knowing he loves me but I guess I'm human and I wish to share life with him. I love him and wish for him to be IN my life, us together. So I have hope. I miss him but I have hope. I love him so much and I would love him no matter the circumstances. I do wish to have him back in my life and as my twin soul I believe he is meant to be back if I can keep my energy focused where it needs to be. On love and truth. But I do believe it is on me to do whatever is necessary to keep my thoughts aligned. Also in knowing he is meant to be here with me. Mine. And I'm his and only his. His love.

When you love someone you do wish to have that person near you. For now I will speak to him in spirit. Love his soul and him. Celebrate our good memories. But I miss him and my heart does ache for my sweet friend. I wish he could be back in my life soon. He is my biggest dream and I'm holding on to my dream.

So funny. I don't talk to men except necessity like at work but I really don't like or want male attention unless it is from James. I don't text or connect with guys at all. It is just not a good thing. I've pretty much cut off any old contacts I had, just because. But there is one old friend I have had a hard time gently cutting off. Because I feel kind of bad for him. I've never met him but I've known him for like... ever. College so like 1993? He knows how I feel- I love James and talk to no one else. So if he is going to say hello it had to be only friendly. Only. He said hello today and told me that oddly he dreamed of me and my son (although he has never met us but he has seen FB pictures.) We were together at The Hoover Dam. Looking over the dam, like on vacation and he said it was odd because he never remembers his dreams and this one was so vivid. I thought it was kind of weird but funny. He asked me "Does your son like James?" I told him yes. James was kind to my son. Took us out and was so friendly to PJ. And he brought PJ Pop Rocks which was my son's first experience with Pop Rocks back then, and kids remember. PJ remembers James and says "He's such a nice man mommy." I said yes PJ likes James a lot and my friend said good. And he said "Well maybe He is supposed to take you and your son to the Hoover Dam."

*sniff* That's what I want so much, for James to be part of our family. It is just not a dream I can walk away from. I've never wanted anything more.  He means everything to me.

Kind & Generous

Was reminded of this song today.

I love you.

Blessings

The One

Yeah I'm a total dork.  Another Scully & Mulder video but I LOVE this song, "The One."  Scully and Mulder are going to be at Wizard Con in Chicago over the weekend of my birthday coming up and I'd love to meet them.  OMG would I love to meet them!!!  It costs $525.00 and I have seriously thought of dipping into my Disney World fund in order to treat myself... I dunno.  It's a lot of money for a photo and autograph but it is SCULLY AND MULDER.  I'm still contemplating.  Dork or not it is my absolutely favorite show and their characters are close to my heart and I would love love love to meet them and have them sign my MA thesis {if I can find it in the house.}  If not I have loads of X-Files books at home they could sign because, again, I am a dork.

This is a great song though.  It is precious and sweet and about that one and only love.  Of course it reminds me of James.  I had no idea I was going to meet him or how important he would be to me.  Honestly.  Like this situation with him totally took me off guard.  It was not expected.  I read about all these people who know all about "twin flames" and they want to find their twin flame.  I had, in passing, heard about twin flames before I met James but I knew very little about them.  As a matter of fact, and I am embarrassed to admit this now, the man I loved before James was important to me and he sometimes knew what I was thinking and feeling and I thought maybe he was some kind of a strong "twin flame" connection to me but it was a passing thought.  I did love that man but no, he was not "The One."  After that I did not give the idea of "twin flames" another thought.  I read an article about it when I was in New Orleans the month before I started talking to James but still it never clicked.  Not once.  Not. Once.  When I met James and he told me he was Atheist, very much Atheist, it just never crossed my mind that HE of all people would be this strong strong undeniable soul connection.  I mean later I did feel he was my "soul mate" no matter what.  And he once told me he did kind of believe in souls, in a way.  He said he was spiritual in his own way, and he is.  But seriously I did not give it much thought.  I knew we had a tight tight connection and he knew things about me or could kind of "read my mind" but, lol, I was so wrapped up in HIM and how strongly I felt for him and how hard I fell in love with him that I did not pay much attention to all of the "signs."  

I remember the night he finally badgered me into reading his tarot cards.  I did not want to because I thought he was... teasing me.  But he very seriously, and with much respect, said no he was not teasing me.  He wanted to see how I did it and what his cards would say.  He was sweet.  Very kind and interested, and he took me seriously.  Well, his cards were interesting but I wish I would have read them differently.  His future card was wide open, one of the two cards in the deck that have no specific message to them.  Only a picture.  I, sadly, took it as his future was wide open but I... gosh, I felt like maybe I was holding him back from doing bigger things with his future, and I thought maybe he cards were telling me that.  I thought to myself, "Here I am a mom with a kid and here he is this single, no kids, free man who loves science and could do more than stay here with me."  Yep, that's what I thought.

And, ugh, I won't ever forget this.  Once I was done he said, "So can you pick another card, like if I have a specific question?"  And I told him sure.  He looked at me and said, "Will you ask about us?"

Us.  Will you ask about us.  And his face was SO sweet.  He has this cute gentle friendly face.  He really does, and he asked me so quietly and gently and sweetly.  So I did and I got the card, "The Blessing."  Of course, the blessing.  The cards are always right.  

My blessing.

I miss my blessing.  He is so dear to me.  Seriously.  I can't explain properly just how dear he is to me, how I cherish him.  I miss my "blessing" so much.  And here is the thing- I really feel that James felt I was a blessing to him too.  I often forget to remind myself of that fact.  Yes I know- I put him up on a pedestal but I forget to climb up there with him.  He loved me just as much as I loved him back then, and I think he looked at me and felt that he found exactly what he'd been wishing for.

Well he told me that.  He once sent me a message... and I really wish I would have believed him.  God WTF was I thinking?  He emailed me and said, "You told me you prayed for me and I came to you.  I did the same.  Well I didn't pray for you but I did wish for someone like you who would love me and accept me, who I connected perfectly with and loved and then I met you and you are that person."  And he told me he could see this progressing to marriage one day.  And he called me "Blue Moon Jenny."

He told me I was what he was looking for.  He blatantly told me that he felt strong love and marriage was the best thing on earth; he loves being in a strong loving relationship.  He said he found what he really wanted in me.  A good woman.  A strong relationship.  Lots of love.  AND he liked my child.  He really did.  I know that we were what he wanted.  Not something else, not what I feared.  He met us and felt that he found what he wanted.  Strong love, a good woman, and a family.  Possibility of a child of his own with me, and I know when he met me he felt he finally met the woman he wanted to have a baby with.  He saw me as someone he wanted to have a baby with, raise a child with, be the mother of his child.  I know it because he told me and he showed me.  

Again, WTF was I thinking?  Fear does totally bad shit. 

I miss him.  I mourn these years that we should have been together.  Years.  I can't even believe that.  I got a fortune cookie message recently for the second time.  It says, "Time is precious but truth is more precious than time," and I keep telling myself this.  Yes time has passed but I have been battling my fears and learning things that some other people are not, and it was never my intention to ever be away from him, even for one day.  I wish we had never parted.  I wish we were together now.  I love James and miss him.  What else can I say?

To me he is the most beautiful person inside and out.  He has the sweetest cutest smile.  He's adorable.  I miss everything about him, lol.  Everything.  

Blessings, we both are.