And Again

Well you've already seen this a few times on my blog.  That point where I say "I'm not really doing what I've been guided to do."  I have this addictive trait where I MUST discuss this experience and in doing so it is a detriment to myself because I am somehow keeping it spiraled into going nowhere.

I ask myself why are we still separated?  I can't believe we are not back together yet.  I don't like it.  I have to be honest here- I don't care about the spirituality of it all.  I don't care about achieving unconditional love for all and yada yada yada that "they" say comes from being in a twin soul union. At this point I don't know exactly why I am going through this, and I don't know why anyone else is. I'd like to think it boils down to LOVE.  L-O-V-E.  But that does not mean people don't piss me off. Or that I don't have heartache.  And I don't want to worry about any of it.  I just want to be little ole' me.

So I am going to try and regroup here, try to reign it wayyyy in.  I am not here to convince anyone about their unions.  I have shared my experience to the best of my ability.  I've made a lot of fear-based choices that I KNOW have put space and silence between me and my twin.  I also know some people out there think I am giving him a ticket to ride, writing off his "badness," and that I am blind to my twin's own problems, issues, etc., and that I blame myself.  You are free to have your opinion. I am not here to defend my truth to YOU.  You can thinking whatever you'd like to.  I am here to defend my truth to myself.

In trying to regroup I am taking my union back down to two points.  1) My twin soul has been in my life to love me and to help me heal by being my mirror.  He will do whatever is necessary to clear me of my fears and ego so I can shift higher and Awaken- that is his role in our mission with each other. 2) My role in our mission is to love myself and love him through my healing.  I am meant to believe in him.  I am meant to love myself but as his twin soul I am meant to believe in him, trust him and defend him while he plays his role in being my mirror.  So I am taking my experience back down to those two points so I can concentrate on them.

I want to reunite with James.  I miss him terribly.  I do not blame him.  I only miss him.  I wish I could go back to when we were dating and instead of fearing that he might leave me one day I wish I would cherished our relationship.  I wish I would have been joyful and fully en-joyed being with him, I wish I would have simply appreciated having such a gift of a man in my life.  Maybe then I would have kept the energy more in love than fear.  But I did not do this.  I did not know how.

My guidance has told me a million times to only concentrate on the love he has for me.  To write out the fond memories.  To bring his heart close to me over and over.  I tend to resist this for some reason.  I am not sure why.  I do know I am a bit of a drama-queen in that I love having an audience so I will write some of my memories here.  They will be a bit repetetive but that's okay.  This is my blog so I can write whatever I'd like to.

I hope up to this point my journey has helped some of you believe more in your experience.  I hope it has eased your mind and let you know that you are not alone.  We may not be walking the same exact paths or have the same issues to work through.  What works for me or is truth for me might not be for you but at least we all know that we are guided and this is a divine experience, way beyond our full human comprehension.

Love will be my main concentration for a while.  I like to write here so I will.  I hope, if you continue to read on, that hearing about my lovely twin soul and re-learning how we met and all he did for me entertains you.  It is a sweet story.  Our relationship was perfect and is nice to share.  With so much pain and madness in the world sharing a story of love is a refreshingly sweet break.

TTFN

Jennifer