Funny thing about this morning, and it's truly a TMI post, lol. I woke with him on my mind, as always. Lyrics from a Chicago song about wishing you were here with me were running through my mind and I could almost feel him. I had a few minutes *alone* in my room and well, I wanted to "date myself" quickly while thinking of James. I really think of ONLY him while I touch myself. Self-pleasure is a way for me to relieve my tension, anxiety and stress especially when I want to cry but in the end when I reach climax I normally cry anyway; it's like my soul longs for him in a way I can't explain. I do have a high libido and sometimes the need I have for him in the physical is so strong I literally do cry. Oh the irony. Normally I don't masturbate in the morning. I am a single mother who is always short on time in the morning. This morning I had, oh maybe five minutes allotted to rub one out while thinking of my love. About half way there my roommate calls up to me, "My son just lit off a firework in your dining room... can you come down here?"
LOL- typical, right? Welcome to the life of two single mommys living together under the same happily-chaotic roof! He lit a spinning sparking firework right on my dining room table. Luckily he did not blow his hand off. Or burn my house down. There was smoke everywhere so we opened the windows and everyone was instructed to get dressed. I made my way back to my room, locked my door and proceeded to finish what I started! Hey- once my mind is stuck on James' awesomeness there is not much I can do about it.
Fireworks in the living room or not! Maybe it represented the lack of any fireworks happening in my bedroom since my twin soul left, ha ha ha.
Anyway. I have some sweet memories of James, even after this separation happened. This time away from him feels so surreal; it does make me cry. This is a bit of a traumatic process, you know? I had this man in my life as my loving caring boyfriend, friend and lover and then he was just gone with little warning, silence. But little by little as I would accidentally shift my energy or stumble upon some belief he'd come back. I don't totally understand how or why; I only know he did. And when he did it was sweet. He'd be back, my boyfriend.
It's been a while now but we reconnected over the course of a few weeks and I thought we might reunite. I sure we had but I allowed my fear to derail us again. But before the fear crept back in entirely we crashed together again, hard. I opened the door and he RAN through. He was so happy to be "with" me again. His energy was like he'd been holding back his emotions and suddenly he was allowed to release them and show them to me again, and he took full advantage.
I had my boyfriend back for a few beautiful weeks. What a wonderful experience. And I have to share it here because, well, I have no one else I can tell and I need to remember. All of it. Even the naughty bits, especially the naughty bits. James is SO sweet. I've said this time and again but he waited for me to be ready for him. He tread very gently with me, not pushing me for anything besides holding me, holding my hand and kissing me. He always loved kissing me; he even loved talking about kissing me. Before we met face to face he was already telling me he could not wait to kiss me! All throughout this separation he will still talk about how awesome my kisses are and how I am the best kisser ever. So he'd come over and just kiss me. We talked on the phone, emailed and text constantly when we were apart so there was no need to talk a lot when he was in my presence. Instead of talking we... kissed. And giggled. And snuggled and nuzzled noses and gazed into each others eyes and touched hands and faces and caressed each arms and legs but all PG-rated body parts. I don't even think the man touched my boobs for weeks {and I have huge boobs so they are hard to avoid!} He'd pull me up on his lap with my legs swung over his and kiss me like he was drinking me in. Deep long kisses. It was the best most wonderful loving time of my entire life.
Honest to God my memories of James are the best memories of my entire life. The time I spent with him was the happiest I have ever been, ever. Hands down. About ten weeks of pure bliss, heaven on earth. Everything about him is utter divine perfection. He'd plan to come see me, and he was always so respectful of me being a mother. He never once questioned me or commented on needing to come see me. He never requested that I get a sitter for my son. He never assumed I'd find a way to get out of the house on a night I had my son. Instead he always offered to come see me, visit me at my home. He had no problem with this, never acted like it was boring or like he wanted to be out somewhere. To James sitting with me talking closely and kissing was plenty.
I was enough for him. ME.
He'd plan on being over right as I was putting PJ to bed. It came to where I'd leave the door open for him and he'd just come in and wait until I was done but at first I'd anticipate seeing him pull up in his little black two-door stick shift older model sports car. And he'd bound across the yard to my door and I'd hear him knock and open the door and there he'd be, standing there with a big smile ready for me to let him in. He always had some kind of treat or small gift. *sigh* SO sweet and thoughtful. He'd hand me whatever it was he had for me and hug me. And smile a lot. He has such a beautiful smile, sparkly. Big blue glittery eyes, high cheekbones and a lovely smile. His face is joyful and boyish. Clean shaven, always. And short hair that is a tiny bit longer in the very front and he spikes it up, lol. Like he's in high school still. I just adore him. I really REALLY wish back then when my guidance was telling me to be joyful and not worry and just enJOY him that I would have listened! I wish I would have put more energy into being THANKFUL for this wonderful gift instead of fearing it right out of my life.
I MISS HIM SO MUCH.
My sweet perfection. He'd come in, say hi, talk for a moment while we walked to my couch. And we'd sit down and smile at each other, almost shyly even though we'd spent the days in between seeing each other totally texting, emailing and talking about anything and everything. But together our energy was explosive, like we almost vibrated in each others presence. Together all we wanted to do was be kissing and close and inseparable although for a while kissing was enough. Kissing was what we needed. Our kisses were euphoric. After a few moments of chit chat he'd smile really big, reach out with his gentle tender hand to softly cup my face and he'd lean in to kiss me. And kiss me. And kiss me. He'd pull back here and there to smile at me. Always with that big ole' smile. Kissing and kissing as we'd melt into each other, leaning back onto the couch and spending the next couple hours totally making out like teen agers together. So so so so close together.
Bliss. Honestly- total and complete bliss, my version of heaven on earth is spent sitting on my couch kissing endlessly my twin soul. My GOD. My God my memories of him are so bittersweet. If you are not a twin soul then you won't understand the "pull" and the inability to let go or move on. If you are a twin soul who is not in runner mode then you will understand how your heart feels like it totally belongs to and with this other person even if you have not heard from him or seen him. Time and distance do not matter when it comes to a twin soul union. Memories do. Heart does. Truth.
Truth matters. And truth, Dear Readers, truth aches so much. Our love is so strong, and we shared it beautifully when he was here with me. Truth is he loves me and he tried so very hard to get me to believe in and accept his love but I didn't get there. And he wanted me to. This is why he'd write at 3AM and tell me things like, "Do you know how much I love you? I REALLY love you, and I hope you accept my love." He was attempting to convince me of his sweet honest love. Do you have any idea how hard all of this is for me now that he has been gone for far too long? James and I could not stand to be away from each other for three DAYS. Once he had to be gone for five days and he could not stand it. And now it's been... a long time. Way longer than three or five days, and my heart is not whole without him. My heart left with him and I want him back.
Truth is those sweet kisses. Those kisses are truth. Truth of how much he loved sitting there holding me and basking in my presence. He got nothing out of it besides being close to me, no sexual release- just genuine closeness with me. He spent weeks driving over to see me after getting home from work in Chicago to just hold me {after bringing me presents} and kiss me and talk to me and laugh with me and BE WITH ME.
He'd get all worked up. Oh I remember him holding me closely and I could feel how hard he'd be for me. But only once did his hands ever stray, lol. One time he let his hand slip under my skirt wayyyy up my thigh and I stopped him. I can't tell you why I stopped him. With him I felt like I was 18 years-old again. I felt shy and fresh and pure and clean and good and that "shyness" and lack of feeling like I needed to be bold or "alluring" and just MYSELF made me need to move very slowly, and he understood. I gently took his hand and moved it away from my panties and he just smiled against my mouth and later told me he could not promise it would not happen again because he wanted me so badly but that he totally was fine waiting however long it took me to be comfortable going farther. Forty year-old man who'd been celibate for almost two years, high libido making out with his also forty year-old girlfriend for weeks without asking for more. Most guys would have at least wanted a hand job but not James. He kissed me and kissed me for hours and then he'd smile and hug me tightly and say he needed to get home. And I hated seeing him leave. His leaving always caused me sorrow and I wish instead it would have brought anticipation of the next time I'd hear from him.
And he never failed to text me as soon as he got home to say goodnight and to thank me for having him over. He'd tell me again how lucky he was to have me as his adorable beautiful sweet girlfriend. He'd tell me I was everything he'd asked for and that he loved spending time with me.
I swear to God the guy is perfect and HAS to be an angel. It's the only explanation. An ANGEL. A very strong angel. No one could be that totally completely perfect and EVERYTHING I'd ever wanted in a man. Only an angel. This is why I called him my "Atheist angel." Little did I know.
Little did I know.
I don't care how long he's been gone or what's transpired between the last time I saw him and now. All I care about is the love we shared. All I care about is how I can get this man back into my arms again. I will not rest or be at peace until he is back and no amount of manifesting or intending is going to make me happy unless I am manifesting James right back into my life.
So last year we briefly reconnected and I had my kissy sweet perfect boyfriend preciously back in my life for a few dream-like weeks. It was like we were dating again and after about a week he called me and we were on the phone for like three hours. Then the next night or so it was four hours. He text me afterwards, "We must love each other- that was a four-hour long phone call. I hate saying goodbye or goodnight." And he went on to tell me how much he loves me, how he wants me in his life forever. And he said he was turned on and needed to see me, asked for a photo.
And we text back and forth about our fantasies. On the phone he'd said, "Let's talk about when we are married." And we did talk about our future. Cuddled up on the phone at 3AM giggling with James talking about how we will grow old and gray together and he told me he'd always take care of me, even when I am old and decrepit... but he said he does not want me wiping his old wrinkly butt. Ha. I want nothing more than to grow old with him, and I'd be happy to wipe his old wrinkly butt as long as I could be with him. So we text about our fantasies. He wanted to know some of mine. And he told me some of his. All so sweet and barely X-rated, and all about just us. Like he said he wanted to try "double penetration" with me but he added, "Only us though- like you and a toy... are you okay with that?" He was sure to let me know he only meant US. He's not one for sharing; he wants me for himself. He's a protector-type. Wants to be close and intimate and build a strong relationship together- James always says that he wants to make love to me every night when we are married and that he thinks doing it every night keeps intimacy strong and a couple close, and he is right. I'd do just about anything to make love to James every night, let me tell you.
So after texting for a bit he told me he needed a pic of my legs. He loves my legs, lol. I snapped a quick shot of just my legs stretched out in bed and sent it to him and he acted like he was seventeen again and just got his hands on the new Playboy centerfold. And his hands on himself, lol. He was all like "OMG you are so gorgeous I wish I was there to lick every inch of you OMG I need to come to you..." and I cracked up because he is always so enthusiastic about his adoration, love and attraction for me. And with James his attraction is built upon love and respect for me. Not lust. A few minutes later we were still texting and he said, "I need to come again to you. I'm turned on talking to you. Please send me another picture where I can see more. With or without panties."
Well this is where it gets funny and I always have to go back to this moment to remind myself. Sadly I accidentally deleted all of our sweet text, and I could cry except that I remember them. They always felt like "him" again. Much of his written communication to me is mirroring and it does not feel like the man I knew. These texts do feel like him and his love though. I sat there in bed thinking, "Holy crap how can I send him a picture of my vag I have not shaved down there in months? It's like a freaking jungle..." and he text me this, "Have I ever told you I like your hair down there?"
I laughed out loud. And I should have paid more attention to how he knows me. That this is not just silliness or me imagining things. He KNOWS my thoughts, somehow. So I took a semi-naughty shot and sent it to him and he lost his mind. He wrote me the textual equivalent of half way choking to death from looking at a naughty shot of his "hot" girlfriend. He said he was going to make himself come twice in five minutes due to me, and to give him a moment or two to "finish." LOL. But his candor is always refreshing, his honesty so genuine, and his affection for me always off the charts when he's able to come back to me.
That's my sweet boyfriend. Enthusiastic about every bit of our connection whether we are talking about God, science, our love for each other or being naughty together. After a few moments he wrote back, "I love it and I love you." And he proceeded to tell me again how much he loved me and wanted me to be with him forever and he wished I was in his arms right then or in his bed so he could go down between my thighs and lick me until I had to call the fire department to pull him off of me. He's funny. I miss him, a lot. No one on earth can compare to my James. NO ONE. He loves giving me oral pleasure because he is here to show me that 1) I am loveable, even "down there" and 2) because all he wants to do is make me happy and make me feel good in every way. We ended up texting for another hour until it was like 4AM. And he tells me he's horny again and wants a video of me, pleasssseeee... so I told him I would make him a video if he'd talk to me on the phone while he was masturbating so I could talk to him and hear him.
Now I'd never had phone sex with an actual boyfriend before. I'd wanted our long distance relationship to be where we talked and did Facetime and shared photos and whispered sweet nothings on the phone together like "dating" each other from afar but things "changed" before we got there. He has the sexiest voice ever. EVER. I swear to God the man has a voice that would make a nun get wet just from one single chuckle or "hello." There were times when talking to him I'd get so wet and horny I'd have to touch myself just a bit... and it's funny to think back now, lol, that he knows exactly what I was doing. Ha. This night he said sure- he'd talk to me. I sent the video and then called him.
And it was sweet. I know it's "naughty" in a way but honestly it was more like making love together over the phone. No, it WAS making love from a distance. OMG it was the hottest and most intimate and sweet experience ever. Very vulnerable actually. I talked to him while he did his thing, lol. And it was very loving actually. He kept saying my name and whispering "I love you." All breathless and turned on and missing me dreadfully- I could HEAR the longing in his voice, like "I so need you. I so need to be with you. Why aren't you here with me right now? I want you here with me!" as he kind of half moaned, half whispered my name and told me he loved me while he stroked himself, all worked up from thinking of me and talking to me and being as close as we could from afar. And I softly said some of his fantasies to him, his biggest one. It took a lot for me to do that. And he said, breathless still, "Tell me again," so I did. And in the end when he was close he moaned my name. Told me he missed me. Told me I am exciting and amazing. I enjoyed making him feel good. I wished I could be there doing it for him in person but I was still glad to have him with me no matter how far away in distance- his soul was with me. I am so in love with him and his soul both.
It was honestly one of the most beautiful loving close expereinces I've had with another human being, as silly as that may sound. He asked me if I was gonna touch myself too but I told him no, it was for him. I wanted to make him come, wanted to hear his pleasure. He loves me so much but I could not shake my fears, even after all that! We stayed connected for about two more weeks and I let fear get it's fucking grips back into me and he had to slip away again, and I FELT him leave me. I felt him go!!!
I felt him have to leave me It was just horrible. I don't want to concentrate on the sadness though, only on the joy that for a little while I was able to have my sweet boyfriend back in my life. He referred to himself as my "boyfriend" in one of his emails from back then. No discussion. No talks about the quiet or separation or any of the CRAZY fucking shit that had been exchanged via email between us only like a few months prior. All of that shit was just wiped away and I LET IT BE WIPED AWAY. I was smart enough, had enough faith, to know it is a miraculous divine process and to let it be, allow it to happen. I asked him about it though, the word "boyfriend" and he said, "I think of you as my girlfriend" and I will admit that NOTHING on earth felt as good as reading those words- being his girlfriend again. It is all I want, honest to God. And I do not care what anyone else thinks of that fact. It is MY life, my heart. My dear adorable beloved friend and soul mate.
I know that can happen again, that shift. I know it. I know that one day he can pop back through like nothing has happened between us but love, and I will totally allow it to happen. All I want is my sweet friend and lover back in my life.
Only a person totally fully in love, unconditonal love, with another person can understand what I am feeling right now. I am overcome, overwhelmed, overflowing with love and adoration for James. Unabashedly I love him. Unashamed. He was SO good to me, better than any other man has ever been besides my little son. My heart belongs to him. Always. I will not rest until I am able to bring him back to me. I know he is out there waiting for me. My precious gem.
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