Where It Started

I'm practicing writing blog posts from my phone for when I feel like purging out some sweet memory of James in order for me to keep peace and balance in my brain. My deepest apologies in advance because in order to learn much about my experience you'll have to hit older posts. Now I want to concentrate on shifting the energy by remembering him. 

Only those who believe in magic and who are not cynical about love in the least will be able to stomach these blog posts because YES I will continue to place James up on a pedestal. If you feel this makes me weak or pussyfied or a pushover or blind then please stop reading my blog and making yourself crazy by my strong belief in his divine nature. The exit is there to the right. Don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out.

Please don't misunderstand me. I think I rock just as much as I believe him to. He's awesome but so am I. I'm not discrediting myself in the area of amazingness as a person, woman or girlfriend. The reason why I concentrate on his love for me and how awesome he is is because it shifts my energy from fear/untruth to love/truth. I'm not just here glorifying James because I'm mooning over him (well maybe a little bit) but because it's an energetic exercise and what I've been guided to do: write about his "only love."

The July blue moon is approaching and after that will soon be my birthday. I met James on my birthday which was also a blue moon; I refuse to have my birthday be a sad day because it reminds me of my twin. I must shift this to a place of warmth and gratitude for meeting the most amazing person in my life on the day I turned 40. James truly is an angel and you won't ever find me saying otherwise.

So help me out here. Help me stay on track. I don't want to talk about the mirroring anymore. My learning has all been described over the last 260 posts (God am I long-winded!) Now I want to make my twin real again, share his heart. I want to share LOVE. He is love. So am I. We all are.

My James is adorable in every way but what I love most about him is how he cherished me fully and knows my worth. How he showed me nothing but respect. He was interested in knowing anything and everything about me from the first moment we connected online. I've explained before how we met but I will refresh although it's a bit embarrassing to admit now, especially after how much I've grown and healed in the past two years. I'm not the same woman I was then. I'm stronger and way more fearless.

Before I met James I was divorcing and fell deeply in love with a married man who lives about an hour's drive from me.  I knew this man, K, for about a year pre-James.  It's a long story that does not need to be explained but I know that K is a soul mate.  K was very difficult for me to let go of.  I honestly did love him a lot.  In the end after multiple times of "ending" things I finally did end the relationship will full intention of never seeing him again.  I can say I never have since that point. After our last time together I did a tarot card reading for myself that explained my attraction to him would end up being my demise, like an addiction even though he is not a bad person.  He is a married man and being in love with him was slowly killing me.  I did my best to listen and I let him go with love.

A few weeks later I was antsy.  I wondered about him but I did not want to make contact.  I also knew I did not want to run off and find someone else.  I told God very vehemently that I would never be with another married man, or a man who was separated from his wife, or a man who was just newly out of a marriage.  I wanted a healed whole man who was ready for love.  As the universe or Higher Self or God or whoever does, after that I met a man separated from his wife and had to make the choice to ONLY be his friend, nothing more.  And my neighbor was interested in me but he was just out of a bad marriage and I didn't want to get involved there, kind of like shitting where you eat when you date a neighbor anyway.  He is cute though and it was tempting but I was trying to keep my romantic life straight at this point.

Well thinking of K got the best of me so I did something entirely passive aggressive.  I created an on-line personal ad that I knew he would see.  I wanted him to know I was doing fine and moving on. And I knew he'd pick up my energy from the ad.  I knew he'd recognize me.

I won't lie.  I probably also wanted to find someone new to talk to.  Hey- I was SINGLE and free for the first time ever in my whole life.  I'd finally ended this ongoing gut-wrenching relationship with a man I could never call my own.  A man who would come see me, spend time with me, and then I'd have to say goodbye knowing he'd never stay the night with me, never be my husband- and I really loved K a ton.  Enough that I told him to PLEASE make it work with his wife.  To get counseling. To stay faithful to her or leave her and be happy with another person in his future. I prayed for them both.  I asked God's forgiveness in loving a man who was married to someone else.  I wanted them to be happy together; I wanted nothing more than his happiness.  It was a very trying experience, one I will never repeat.  I'd been married for ten years prior to that to a man who paid little attention to me. It was a lonely marriage.  I was ready to talk to someone nice.

So I posted the ad.  In it I stressed that I was looking more for a friend, to start very slowly.  I specified that I was not interested in "friends with benefits" or quick sex, and I wasn't.  I wanted someone I could talk to, get to know as a friend first.  I was feeling very protective of myself and I needed to be totally transparent in this ad that anyone looking to get laid was not going to find it with me.  I'd made some painful choices in the past with men and did not want to repeat them with anyone new.  Slowwwww was what I was looking for.  I said I was empathetic and was looking for the same. I explained that I am a mother and my child is my priority but that I was hoping to meet someone nice.  Overall it was a bit of a Pollyanna ad and I was not expecting much but I got a slew of men who responded.

It showed me there are people out there looking for the same.  Some of the responses were really heartfelt, some not so much.  James entitled his response "Empathy."  He was short and sweet in his response and he attached a picture of himself smiling and holding a little white puppy.  He looked very boyish and friendly in his photo and his response was polite so I responded and immediately our connection exploded like wildfire.  We exchanged a slew of emails back and forth that very first day, July 31st, 2013.  He wanted to know all about me.  It was at this time that he told me he was an Atheist and I was like hm,..  Interesting.  I'd never known an Atheist before.  A person who did not believe in God?  Didn't like, you know, everyone worth his salt believe in GOD?  Like how could this seemingly sweet and interesting man not believe in God?  Was I going to keep talking to him?

If you've read through my blog you will find that I've had to work through a lot of issues about God, religion, Christianity, all the "rules" and guilt, shame, sin and evil.  I also had some issues with the Jesus story because I could not handle this idea that Jesus died for us because we are all born so bad. I'd already been through spiritual boot camp months prior to this, all about losing my fears concerning spirituality, leaving religion behind while embracing a LOVING God- not a punisher. Not God the disciplinarian, and I had only recently been able to let go of most of my fears concerning my spiritual guidance.  I always felt like my guidance was out to trick me into learning, like it was all only "tough love" and divine pain.  I associated my guidance with the parents of my youth,  So being taught from above was kind of scary to me, and I expected pain from it, not kindness.  For a while I was very scared of my guidance.

And then as I was still healing from all of this {remember FAST TRACK here!} I met, drum roll please, an Atheist.  Of all things.  Here I am, a woman who thought she was talking to Arch Angel Michael, who used a pendulum to talk to angels and spirits, talking to an Atheist.  I did wonder why, and when he emailed and said he was an Atheist I wrote back and told him about the angel stuff and being a believer and he cracked a few jokes but was overall totally okay with it.  He joked about Zeus, etc, but see he had no idea of my beliefs and I believe in God much differently than most people.  We had some banter and I was totally open with him about myself and my beliefs.  Funny how at THAT point I was not scared at all to be judged.  I did not fear him at all.  I was confident in sharing my thoughts, sure of myself, excited, happy, etc.  And James loved it.  He'd write and ask me tons of questions about myself and then ask me to ask him stuff.  He wanted to know all about me.

I love writing... can you tell???  I am in love with the English language, especially in written form.  Oh I am a good talker too, ha, but I love to read and write.  And a man who can communicate well through writing always does it for me, and he can.  He is expressive, intelligent and has heart.  This comes across in his emails.  He is also funny and vivacious and this was clearly evident as well- he made me laugh immediately with his wit and charm.  In a word, I was hooked.  Totally hooked.  By the end of July 31st, 2013 this man had me totally hooked on his mischievously adorable personality and how he was so easy to talk to, so open and willing to share.  

He made me smile.

I could feel in his energy his eagerness to know me better.  Some men act all standoffish, like it's not cool to seem too interested.  James?  LOL!  Totally opposite.  I imagined him on his end of the line like a happy exuberant shaky puppy.  Wired, energized and very enthusiastic.  There was nothing subdued about him.  No holding back.  No putting on some fake persona of "I have to act like I don't really care."  All he did was care, and care a lot.

He told me he was a scientist, a Geologist who worked at the museum.  He'd lived in California for quite some years but had moved back to Indiana, where he grew up, 18 months earlier.  He described his love of science, his adoration of the universe.  He said he was "spiritual" in his own way and totally in awe of the cosmos.  Talking to him was like talking to the male version of myself.

He took my strong belief and connection with the divine in stride.  I remember signing off that first time we connected online wondering if he'd fizzle out or be one who kept in contact.  I remember being VERY very V-E-R-Y interested and hoping to talk to him more.  I prayed he'd keep in contact, and he did.  As a matter of fact we may have talked on the phone that very night.

It was on that first day where I mentioned that I would be turning 40 very soon.  He wrote and said, "Oh yeah me too.  My birthday is August 21st... when is yours?"  I told him it was the 20th and he asked me where I was born and we realized we were born in the same hospital at the same time and would both be turning 40.  I SO wish I could go back to then and take my love-blinders off and scream in my own ear "Hey girl- pay attention to the signs.  This one is important..." but alas.  I did enjoy the ride while it was happening.  I enjoyed thoroughly talking to James and learning about him. Throughout our entire time together he was always 110% communicative.  Always.  He was seriously always perfect about returning my emails or texting or calling, always calling.  Never one time did he skip on responding, and he did so quickly.  Not that I expected him to be up my ass all the time but he was conscious and respectful of keeping up good strong communication.

He was always very conscientious and aware of my feelings at all times and this includes never wanting to make me wait or agonize over whether or not he was going to respond.  He's just naturally a thoughtful man.

I'll end this post now.  It feels good to remember my James.  He started off as "just" a new person I was talking to, and then he turned into my sweet boyfriend... and then it was revealed to me later that he is my "soul twin."  Sometimes this journey with him can be exhausting but I adore him.  He means the world to me and no matter what is happening between us right now, no one and nothing can take that away from me.  I cherish him with my entire being.  He is very special to me.  I hold him close to my heart.