*WARNING* I am not in the best of moods. I'm frustrated and I want James back in my life. I refuse to say "I want a nice man in my life!" because I want HIM in my life, not "some nice man." But the whole being all spiritual and keeping my chin up "Pollyanna" about this whole twin soul thing is just not working out for me right now. I've hit a brick wall where I hurt without contact. I miss him so much I cry constantly. I am writing and being loving but sometimes that gets old too. I was feeling really angry and annoyed and like "screw you" to God this morning and then I started thinking...
Back a few months ago I did something that was a bit of an energetic slap in the face to my twin and I wonder if I am making up for that. It was after the email address went inactive. I kind of freaked out and I tried to run. I went on Tinder. I told myself I would date now because I needed a break from all of this; I needed to feel HUMAN again. At that time {I think I wrote a blog about this but maybe not} a single man from my past who I really liked, we dated three years ago after my husband and I split up, contacted me out of the clear blue {as it tends to happen in twin soul experiences.} I really liked him back then. We dated, slept together but it didn't work out- he told me he didn't have a connection with me. Fast forward three years and I have not heard ONE word from him since then. But right around the time I decided to date I happened to see him at a daycare center, the one where I pick up my friend's children once a week, but he did not see me. I KNOW he didn't, and later he confirmed that. But a few weeks later I checked my email and found he'd, out of the clear blue, emailed me saying he'd driven past my home, saw different cars and was just curious if I still lived there. I told him yes and he responded with, "Any luck dating?"
Now how odd is that, right? DUH- I should have known it was some kind of "sign." My friend who lives with me said, "Ask him if he wants to get together as friends." Well I always liked this man. He's *hot* in my book. Strong, dark-haired, passionate, good dad, respectful and a good lover. When we dated I had the same fears as with James and although I acted pretty normal he, in the end, said he just did not feel a connection with me. I always wondered if he was karmic because it was odd. It felt "off." And I can handle rejection fine, honestly. I've talked to other men who just are not into me and I am totally cool with that. THIS guy it just felt off. But anyway. Here a couple months ago I asked him if he wanted to get together as friends and he gave me the CRAZIEST response.
Get ready, lol, this man who had treated me very nicely in the past, who told me he felt no connection with me {and he meant he did not want to date me, kiss me or make love with me} told me, "I don't think that would be a good idea because all I'd be able to think about is getting into your panties so I'd be preoccupied." Now COME ON. That is a ridiculous comment. So not real.
But see I was already full of angst and some frustration. I'd told James in my heart that while I love him I need to experience more, need to just see. I told him I can't handle this, being so scared and having him go silent, and I want to take a break. I want to spend time with a normal human man. And then this man reached out to me. So at first I wrote to him and told him I just did not believe him. He never acted lewd like that when I knew him. But then in a fit of frustration, a moment of being tired of being celibate and feeling like I might not mind just throwing it all to the wind and getting laid, I wrote back to this man "Well maybe I'd just take them off for you so you wouldn't have to worry about doing it yourself."
THEN Spirit ensured I saw him face to face a few days later and I felt a mix of anger for him writing those words in the first place, knowing that it was Spirit-inspired and he IS a karmic channel for me, frustration over being alone, hating my situation, guilt over dissing James, and I said to him, "Nice email." I CAVED to 3D. Overall it was in my face, something to show me something.
After that I met another man for a date. And after that I kind of stopped running, pulled back my energy and since then I have been trying to regain my balance and commitment to my union. This way around May 10 so... two months ago. Since then I've been doing this energy work of really focusing and committing and knowing inside that I am devoted to James and our union. Knowing he never wanted to leave me and it would be entirely SHITTY to leave him in the lurch when he wants to come back to me.; I'd basically be deserting me when he never really wanted to leave in the first place.
My friend from Wales had a dream around this time and she felt it was for me. Her twin has the same name as mine and in the dream he'd sent her an email but he does not email her, only text. My James usually uses email. Here is the dream below:
**I have always played it cool with you, because that's how it always
has to be has to be has to be has to be has to be (each time the words were bigger on the screen)
I have had to be in control (in the past) and call the shots
(Makes a Lists shots -Jack Daniels, Jaeger)
She must think "why is my attention span so short"...but I feel different with you and I'm sorry I don't know what to do.
You think "What's wrong with him, is he away, on the run, in prison? Is he dead????"
So she must DUMP HIM...
But then we start all over again...
I am coming round in a minute. I will be there, it's different with you.**
Weird dream, right? Thing is my twin soul helped me quit drinking over a year ago now, and Jack Daniels was my poison of choice. And, ugh, I do believe James does NOT want to be doing this, and the dream she had reflects this. He says he has to be the one "in control" {of his emotions I'd think that means, in control of what he can show me.} I used to get so upset because he'd be there one moment and the next he'd be gone, the short attention span thing yet now I know that is a twin soul happening; they have to do it when we fear. One moment he is able to pop through with honesty to show me his huge love then the next when I'd fear, he'd be forced to emotionally pull away, and it's been Hellish to accept. Yet in her dream he says, "I'm sorry and I don't know what to do." And YES I do wonder where he is! I do freak out inside because I know nothing about him. Is he in California? Is he is Antarctica for months???!!??
Am I ever going to hear from him again? Do I run now? Do I try to start over with someone new? As this dream stated, do I DUMP him now??? Do I leave him behind and move on? In this dream he says he's coming 'round "in a minute" and then we will start again because it is different with me.
Well it was different with me. I AM different. I am wonderful. So is he, completely.
Do I believe this dream? Oh my LORD she did get this dream right at the time I was looking to date. I was hoping to meet John, the man I ended up meeting for one date right after she got this dream-message. In her email, after her dream, she said maybe I was NOT meant to meet John after all. I had not actually met him yet but I did about a week later. Yet this dream- it points to "Please wait for me."
Or else I am seeing messages where there are none. Doubtful with the way my life is so divinely guided. She is not the first person who has had a dream that seems to be meant for me.
SO MY POINT to this long rambling message is it seemed I was getting a pretty clear gentle "warning" not to act on my impulse to go off and date someone else. And to be honest, at this time I was feeling so fearful and angry I would have probably been physical with the other man, Chad, had he said "Yeah let's meet." Luckily for me he did not MEAN what he said- he was used as a channel. I know it.
Whenever James would reach out to me he'd always tell me he wants ME. Always. Last message was "I hope to be intimate with you. HOPE and WISH." But it's ME he wants. How shitty of me to want to run off to another out of fear or desperation.
Maybe this is why I'm having these strange experiences with other men reaching out to me. Maybe I am having my devotion tested. It CAN get frustrating. I dream of having JAMES in my life as my husband, a step-daddy to my son, and father to my next child- OUR child. I don't want "some nice man." I want him.
Time to shake the ego shitty feeling and own this is what I am thinking. Persistence. I am really trying to be persistent with a single-focus about all of this. I can't say I am HAPPY about it. I am not. I miss him and I wish he was just back, home with me. My life. Sharing a life together. I just adore him through and through and I only want HIM but I want him now. I am so done with being separated. I do not accept it with grace. I'm antsy. I need him in my life. I need him back now. I miss the love of my life. I miss him and am so devoted to him that I HAVE stayed "single" even through temptation. I really really wish, hope and pray that I hear from him soon. This is damn challenging and no, I am not thrilled with my Higher Self for choosing this experience for me. But I'm in it, and I might not love it, but I DO love my James.
And to me that is all that matters. I love my twin soul and I am fucking committed to having a future with him. HIM. My destiny.
Persistence. I may falter, I may shift off course, but I am trying so hard to maintain my persistence. I know that man wants to be back with me, and I cannot leave him behind. I can't "dump him" like he said in the dream. I love him too much.
Jennifer
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