More Interesting "Signs"

A few more instances have happened to me where I don't quite know what they are supposed to show me, and man if there is one thing that can make my mind spin it is wondering what a sign means especially if I can attribute maybe two possible separate meanings to it.

You know how in my last blog post I explained how I wrote in my journal to James "I remember when you wrote to me 'Not a day goes by that I don't think of you,' and I know this shows me truth" and then later that night my friend Jason text me and wrote, "Not an hour goes by that I don't think of you.  I was going to say day but it's much more often than that" and anyone, even a skeptic, can't deny the timing is too coincidental to be an accident.  Funny thing is I have not heard from Jason, at all.  I am not surprised though.  I am not really meant to hear from him.  I think I was getting a message from James through Jason.

So fast forward a few weeks.  I had an emotional week last week.  I back slid a bit in my energy.  Lots of crying, some hopelessness.  I don't know where James is.  I am following this union based on faith alone, and that can be scary.  Sorry- that is me being honest.  I am trying my best to be courageous but I am not going to lie and say it's not a challenge to believe based on faith alone.  Faith that despite time and distance he still loves me and faith that he's my twin soul meant to be with me in the end.  Last week some 3D "schtuff" came up at work that made me realize I no longer care what people think about me.  They can think I am inept, a dunderhead, absent-minded, that I don't do my job well, etc. and that is fine.  I still wish them well in all they do but I just don't care.  As long as I have my job and I am doing the best I can under my own personal experiences {Awakening can be a struggle} then what they think of me means very little to me.  Still it was a challenging {yet blessed} week.  Challenging because of work stuff but we all are getting a bonus so that's awesome.  And I get to practice not caring what others think of me, and practice knowing that 3D labels and "titles" mean little to me.  I feel BLESSED to be where I am because my job gives me what I need to live yet I do not define myself by this "lofty" title of  "Assistant Director."  I am not an assistant director.  That is not who I am.  I am LOVE.  And I am a Mother- a mother to all really.  THAT is my sole role.  Not assistant director.  

Anywho.  I got really down about James and I've been trying to shift it.  I did a lot of writing this weekend and last week, much about being devoted to him despite appearances.  I am committed to him and do not intent to find anyone else.  I did write that I have been getting a little lonely for male companionship but that I want HIM.  No one else.  I miss him.  When I go fishing with the kids I wish James was with us.  When I go for dinner alone I wish he was my date.  When I sit at home on  Saturday night I look at the couch and I try not to curl up in the corner of it holding a pillow, crying while I remember holding him and kissing him and being with him, wishing he was going to be bounding up my steps to knock on my door again.  I am aching for him.  Yes I tried dating a few months ago and it did not feel right to me, and I felt I got signs telling me so as well.  I know what I want and it is James, and I know James loves me.  I am not willing to walk away from divine love for temporary "scratching of an itch" or to assuage loneliness or something like that. I've been writing that I am committed to him, love him, know his love for me, that I am devoted to him.

I also did write that I feel like I could love again but still it would not be him and I'd always be thinking of him and longing for him and aching for him and it would be horrible to be with another man, even one I did love on some level.  I am a very loving person.  I fall in love with everyone and everything, and I find beauty in things and people easily.  I don't think I should feel guilty for admitting that I do love easily and if I allowed it- I could meet someone and "like" him.  But I don't want to because that man would not be my "one and only true love."

He would not be James.  Bottom line.  So even though I feel I could love someone else it would never be on the same level, with the same intensity, the same magical kisses, etc. as James.  Just like... I could love Ireland and feel like I want to be there forever even if I don't live there now {and this is just an example.}  Maybe I know my heart is in Ireland, like I need to find a way to be there forever, move there, because it calls out to my soul.  And then I also like Michigan too, and Michigan would feel nice and be easier to move to, and maybe way more convenient.  And I'd like it there a lot... but it would not have the same draw for me as Ireland.  At all.  That's a place not a person so it is different but still there's the analogy I can come up with.

So Saturday morning I am sitting in the coffee shop writing about being devoted to James.  I leave the shop to take the kids fishing and as I get in the car I see Ryan.  I went for a walk with Ryan last October and he wanted to date me.  He is single, youthful, handsome and seems to be a good dad.  Did I mention he's highly attractive?  And he wanted to date me?  I saw him and had this fleeting thought of, "Funny to see him walking in.  Thirty more seconds and I would have bumped into him, a minute longer and he would have seen me in the shop and we would have talked.  Maybe I should go say hello."

But then I thought- you just wrote in your journal how committed you are to James.  Do you REALLY want to go in there and talk to this cute single man who recently was disappointed that you would not date him?  So I left and went home.

I wrote a little more in my journal, spent the day cleaning my car and some other stuff and am staying conscious of my energy.  I do write a lot because I know it keeps my thoughts and intentions focused. Sunday morning rolls along.  I'd written some more about being committed and wishing to see him soon and a lot about remembering the love we've shared along the way, even while separated.  I heard the song, "When You Say You Love Me" by Josh Groban and it really struck my heart hard.  My sweet little James often said "I love you honey."  He always made sure I knew he loved me.  He tried SO hard to get me to see.  And I did exactly what my guidance says is my "illness" which is I ignored the love he showed me, like it really was not real, like I could not trust it, etc. etc.  On Sunday morning my son and myself were shopping, standing in line.  A man checking out kept looking at me and smiling, very deliberately.  Finally I looked down and asked myself, "Am I imagining this because it's very strange, and so not a coincidence.  Yesterday I saw Ryan and now this?"

The man smiled again as he left and then I became busy checking out in line.  As I finished I noticed he'd come back into the store and was waiting for me.  THAT HAS NEVER HAPPENED TO ME IN MY LIFE.  No man has ever made a point to come look for me or wait for me to talk to me, and he did.  He walked out with us and told me how cute I am, and he asked if I am married.  I could tell he was really genuine and not pervy or anything, lol, and I told him no I am not married.  And I paused and said, "But I am committed to someone."  He kinda smiled and said, "Oh shucks," and told me his name and smiled again like... like he thought I was the bees knees or something, and I told him, "Thank you though.  I am very flattered.  Have a wonderful day."  He got in his truck with a kid, like a pre-teen boy, and as they drove away he was all cheesing at me and waved bye really big.

Nice man.  About my age.  Someone I would have, in another life, been okay with giving my number and chatting.  It took balls for him to come up to me, and he was polite.  Pleasant-looking and I find beauty in kindness.  I find beauty everywhere.  I told myself- that could not have been a coincidence, and why did it happen?  It was SO blatantly "orchestrated" that I actually chuckled when I got in my car.  Here I am writing all about James and my commitment to him and then some guy my age totally approaches me and wants to know if I am single???

Why?

I can only come up with two options.

1. I don't like this option but by me admitting I can get lonely and would love some male companionship, did I "ask for" this guy to approach me?  Even though I always say it's James I want?  By me saying I know I could love again but would choose not to date anyone else, or be with anyone else, because James would always be the one I REALLY want- did that make the universe go,  "Oh really?  Is that what you want?  Then here- try this..." and then I had a seemingly interested dude approach me?  I don't like that option because it seems almost cruel.  Cruel that I would have a few casual thoughts that would manifest immediately when I am constantly working on my energy to bring James back to me.  It would feel like I can't even be honest in my thoughts {that I could love someone else yet I choose not to because I am so in love with my perfection, my angel, that I am making the conscious decision to instead stay alone until I get him back with me again} because if I am I will get what I do not want.  I did not say I want someone else.  I said I only want James which leads me to the second option.
2. Obviously this did not happen on accident.  I don't think I saw Ryan by chance either.  I think it was put in my face like, "Well are you going to go say hello or are you going to pass up a chance to talk to a man who you know likes you."  He did not see me.  I saw him, and thirty more seconds we would have been standing face to face, him walking in as I was walking out.  Then the very next day I have this man come up to me, something that's never happened to me in my life.  And both things happened after I wrote quite a bit about being devoted to James.  So maybe they were both opportunities to "walk my talk."  To see what I would do?  Maybe I manifested the chance to tell the Universe that I actually do mean it when I say "I want only him."  Maybe I created those men coming up to me JUST to show myself, and Higher Self, that I mean business.

So here I am again not knowing exactly what it all means but I know it was not a coincidence.

The only thing I felt as I walked away was this sense of, "Dear God I surely pray I am making the right decision here in believing in something so strongly."  I really am trying to do what I feel my Higher Self has asked of me, to be faithful and true to my twin soul, to believe in this journey, to love myself, to love James, and to TRUST and believe in him and his love for me.

If anything I really hope it's a step in the right direction.  The silence can be deafening.  I don't know where he is or what he is doing.  I miss him so much I can't even explain it.  I'm so in love with him and I ache to be in his arms again.  I sit back and think... how would it feel to be in another man's arms?  A good man.  A kind man.  Like the guy I met, John.  It would be a thrill at first, something to take my mind off of this journey.  And then when trying to kiss another man I'd be at least partially faking it and my heart would be breaking thinking of James, and I'd be passively lying by withholding that I'm entirely in love with another man who, if he came back, I'd drop any other man for.  And if James contacted me, and it seems they always do, I'd lose my fucking mind.

It just would not work.

After knowing with 100% certainty that he adores me and he's been... insanely in love with me, like when we dated, before the separation and then even afterwards, he could not stand to be away from me, couldn't wait to get his hands and lips on me, constantly in contact, always being so kind to me, making me happy made him happy, and he was not content unless he was somehow communicating with me whether it be email, text, hours on the phone or even better, alllllll of our evenings spent smooching, inseparable... and then he had to pick up and leave me, and I know he never wanted to.  And I know it hurt him to do so.  For me to run off to another man is heartbreaking to me.  I cannot do it.  I have more to do, more to shift, more dedication to put forth.

I pray we are together soon.  It hurts being separated from the one I love, from the one who loves me.  I don't know exactly why I'm having these "strangely divine" experiences but my hope is they are good signs showing that we are getting closer to reunion.

I love this song.  The words are so fitting for me and James.  My heart soars when he says "I love you," and he blessed me with those words so so often, and I know he wishes he could say them right now too.  Without the words I know he loves me... but his sweet sexy little voice saying, "I love you honey," is one of the most beautiful sounds on earth to me, very similar to when my son says, "I love you mommy."  It's that pure and genuine, my twin's love for me.