Right now there is a lot of chaos on the web concerning twin souls. Many people are jumping off the train that's for sure. I am not judging them at all. It is not an easy path. To most it would appear that the twin soul is simply ignoring and disregarding, like we are being abused by another person. I can totally appreciate that point of view because it can seem that way if one is being blind to the mirror effect. For me though it's been so thoroughly shown to me that in this *specific* connection I have with James he has to show my my fears by being my mirror. In any other case if another person was treating me in a similar manner then I'd end the relationship. But what is key to understand is I can clearly see what James has shown me! The cause and effect is too strong to deny or ignore. I cannot overlook it. Believe me if I could NOT see the cause and effect then I would have left this situation a longggg time ago. Dear Readers I have left two marriages, my decision. Both men did not want me to leave but I could no longer tolerate their shit so I left, and one was with a two year-old son so it was really scary and hard. I had to take on a home and life all on my own but I did it because I no longer wanted to be treated with disrespect. So please do not think for a moment that I am the type of woman to be pushed around, bowled over or have the wool pulled over my eyes. My bullshit tolerance is very very low these days! If I person is abusing me or not being good to me or treating me badly then I will pray for them, send them love and LEAVE the situation. There is nothing wrong with severing a connection with another human being if things are not working out. It's a free will choice, and endings can come in peace with love.
In my union with James there are a few reasons why I am staying and sticking this out and trying so hard and having faith in our reunion when 99.9% of other people would have bolted into another relationship already. The main reason is I totally 100% believe that James loved me, has loved me and still does love me but I forced him away with my fears since he is my energetic mirror so he knew my secretly hidden fears and had to show them to me. Eegads I found an email I wrote to my mentor and friend when James and I were dating. *deep sigh* I wrote all about how scared I was that he'd leave me one day. I wrote about how my fears of being easily forgotten were coming up, how I was afraid he'd leave me for California. I wrote that when he would leave to go home in the evenings I'd feel terrible sorrow like he might leave me forever. I basically MANIFESTED every single God damn thing that happened to me with James. Poor guy- he tried so hard to change the outcome and nothing he did could ease my fears. So I am still here working on this because I feel he did not want to leave. He actually wanted to stay with me and it would be wrong of me not to give this my all to allow him back to me.
Another reason is because my guidance has told me it is important. The Hopi tribe spoke of the time of a great shift. The Mayans spoke of it. It was supposed to happen with December 21, 2012 and I met my twin soul soon afterwards and many other people are too. I believe it has something to do with an energetic shift, bigger than just a "relationship," and I do believe that the love we share is beyond human comprehension, and it is more than just a romantic interlude. It is meant to be fought for and resilience is necessary. It's not all about finding a mate to spend time with and date and have great even loving sex with. It is not ALL about a harmonious union with another compatible and fun person. I could probably manifest myself another sweet lover but I don't want one. I have been guided to stick this out with James and I am doing my best. Something tells me it is more than just for "love." Love is a huge part of it but it's a love that illuminates for miles; it's a love that creates a shift for the masses- not just so I can have a nice boyfriend. This is another reason why I have not yet ran off and found another man. It might not be easy but not things easy are as good as those things worth fighting for. So when I read things where twin souls are saying, "Get rid of that nasty twin soul and find yourself a sweet loving man who will respect you!" I guess it upsets me because they don't WANT to do what they have to do for us. It makes me feel badly for the twin who has to leave because they don't want to be hurtful. This is why we are meant to love them- so even if you move on please don't forget to love the twin soul who is sacrificing to help you. I do believe they leave us when they don't really want to {and then when we go off to love someone else they get to stay behind and watch from afar, and it probably hurts even if it is soul-based. I know my James does not want to share me.}
So... I love him. A lot. And when you love a person like I love James then you give it your all and then some. You overlook fears. You BELIEVE for once in your life in something bigger. You have faith even when it's scary, even when there is no guarantee that the happy ending you desire will ultimately come true. You take the fucking chance anyway and hope and pray for the best. I would rather try to the absolute best of my ability and chance getting disappointed in the end instead of not trying at all just to avoid the possibility of pain but never having the opportunity for success either. If I do not try then how will I ever know???
Miracles DO happen, all the time. He referring to me as his girlfriend after we'd already been *inexplicably* separated for five months was a freaking miracle. I've experienced a bunch of miraculous exchanges with him already and could easily create more if I try. But I have to TRY and have faith in order for that to even have the possibility of happening.
So when other twin souls get upset and offended and say, "I am tired of this person ignoring me and not loving me the way I deserve to be loved!" I see that as there is something inside of them that the twin is showing them but they are refusing to see it, and that is their choice. It is not an easy process to accept. I am not going to lie and say it is. Thing with James is the more I sit here and think, "Oh he's just ignoring me, what a jackass!" then he's going to play that role even more deeply: he has to because I just scripted it for him. Same with me writing to him and trying to convince him that we are meant to be together or that he loves me. That would backfire because in doing so I am actually saying "You don't want me" and then he has to show me that he does not want me. Negotiating, manipulating, convincing- none of that can happen in a twin soul union.
It's a very strange and vicious circle but I see it with him. I recognize it when I never really saw it in any other relationship I had. Like my ex-husband. He was not my mirror. I had absolutely NO fear that my ex did not love me! None at all. My ex just acted like an overgrown party boy who did not want to grow up and it helped to ruin our marriage. That was not some reflection of me. I'd be able to look back and see it. I CAN say that in the end I think he said some really obnoxious and ridiculous shit that was "orchestrated" to push me further out of the marriage because it needed to end- but a "twin soul" or full mirror he was not, at all. Only James has been the one who knows my inner when no one else has. He knows every single thing about me and it's... strange but also a relief in a way.
So right now people in the twin soul community are starting to get really upset about the idea of twin souls. Twin souls are becoming the villains all of a sudden, and it's really sad to me when I see it from the perspective of my James. He offered via soul to help me overcome my fears by forcing me to see them enacted by him as if they were real. And if I hate him for it- that's just sad. Imagine him left out there in the cold wishing I'd remember him, wishing I'd realize that he's just faking it because he has to, because he promised me he would. I just cannot do that to him.
Another thing about all this is the matter of TRUTH. Love=Truth. Fear=Lies. Fear is an illusion, not true. Only love is truth. So follow me here. James loves me and that is truth. He does not have to fake his love for me- it just is. He is meant to love me. The strong intense love he showed me is truth. Then later the cold unnatural unfeeling acting like he does not want me- that is an illusion. Basically how I see it is he has to fake it, He still really loves me but it is his role to show me my fears, to reflect them back to me, so then he has to act like he does not care for me. And he has to stay very quiet. I believe that both things suck for him, staying quiet and away from me as well as having to act cold to someone he adores.
I've really had to work this out in my mind, ponder it all, in order to accept it. And here is the thing- LOVE cannot be faked. If someone brought me a man I was not attracted to in a romantic intimate manner and told me, "You must pretend to love this man, spend hours communicating with him, act head over heels in love with him, kiss him for hours on end, breathe in the air he exhales, strip down naked with him and make enthusiastic love with him," there is no damn way. Even Jason, a man I once loved and was immensely attracted to, right now if he came to me I could not force myself to be intimate with him, not like James was with me. It takes true love to do all that. If I had to fake loving someone in order to save him then I'd fail because love like that can only be genuine. BUT, but, if I was totally in love with someone, head over heels, and I was told from above, "You are going to have to treat this person cold now and instill fear into him in order to help heal him, and this is your job from God in order to save him in the long run..." well I would be able to do it if I really loved him enough to sacrifice in order to help him heal. And it would suck. I know because I did it with James after we separated. I had that experience already and it was horrid. My guidance told me I had to be cold to him, send him a harsh message, in order to "wake him up" and it was all orchestrated to show me what James is going through now. I listened to my guidance. I sent the shitty message to him and he received it. In the end it all came out in the wash because none of it was real. It was an illusion and it was forgotten, totally let go as if it never existed. At the time though I cried my eyes out when I sent it because I was so so sad. I did not want to hurt my love but I sent it anyway because my intention was to shake him up, guided from above. Remember nothing about my experience has been "normal."
My point though is I COULD fake the coldness and lack of love if I HAD to. It would not be fun though. It's brutal to have to hurt the one you love. It is similar to having to be really stern and disciplinary with our children when all we really want to do is love them and lavish them with goodies but when they are lighting off fireworks in the house then the Big Guns gotta come out and the whoop ass must be opened because they could blow their hands off or burn the house down. And it never feels good to have to "discipline" a child or make a child feel the result of a bad choice. Tough love can feel bad for the one on the giving end, just as bad as the one receiving it. It sucks the life out of you to "hurt" someone you care about or cause fear when all you want to do is offer love and affection. I know this is how it's been for James. He does not want to do it, and I really think it hurts him to scare me. He does not want me to be scared of him, and he hopes I will believe in him,
But to fake LOVE? Nope. Not possible. Not like the love James has for me. The love is Truth. That is for certain. Those kisses, mmmmm... those kisses are very very real, and very very true. Such passion. Intense. Intimate. And oh so joyful. Real. Loving. Truth. So I can see how he could fake the shit in order to push me to heal by facing my fears, by being my mirror. I can see that. But I can also see how the love is the truth. Love like that can only be real, there is no other way.
Perseverance. I'm not going to fall prey to believing his intention towards me is anything less than love. I will always pray to hear from him, like I am praying right now. I pray that I can shift the energy so he can make his way back to me. I believe it can happen in a heartbeat.
XXOO
Jen
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