Blue Moon Memories

I met James for the first time on the blue moon, 8-20-13.  I suppose it fits, right?  A unique and magical experience like meeting my one and only true love, my "twin soul," only happens once in a blue moon.

That night is one of my best memories ever.  We had spoken on the phone, text and emailed for three weeks before meeting {and of course Jason Mraz "I Won't Give Up On Us" just started playing right now} and I was really anticipating meeting him.  He was so sweet and easy to talk to.  Fun, totally cute and jolly; he was super excited to meet me too.  I just knew I would like him.  Something told me that this man would be different than the rest.  I had NO qualms about meeting him.  Dating had, by this time, become dull and stale, like a chore.  I hadn't been on a first date in a while and I was very much anticipating meeting James, so so refreshing to be wayyyy excited in meeting a man for the first time.  It was my 40th birthday too, and my sister had taken me out for lunch to a Chinese restaurant where my fortune read, "You are important enough to ask and you are blessed enough to receive back."

Before I left to meet him I asked my guidance to tell me, again, why I was meeting him, an Atheist.  My guidance told me the following: "Walls will fall and hearts will melt.  This one is a gem.  Cherish him."  And one final word, "nemesis."  I had no idea what some of it meant but I grabbed my purse and drove the minute around the corner to meet him at a bar near my house.

I remember seeing a little black two-door car parked in the lot, and a man was getting out of it.  I parked and as I got out he walked up to me with a HUGE smile, reached for me and said, "You are just as beautiful as I knew you would be," as he hugged me, and then he lead me inside the bar.  First thing I noticed is he was wearing a t-shirt with a big glaring red "A" on it for "Atheist" and I thought it was pretty ballsy of him to do so but it made me grin.  I thought he was SO adorable!!!  Oh gosh, he bounced when he walked.  So fully of good energy and joy.  That glowing smile and sparkling blue eyes.  The shirt was black and he wore jeans and he's clean-shaven with short spiky hair and the dark shirt with his blue eyes and glowing smile... gah.  He was sweet.  About floored me.  Not being anything like the men I normally date- he totally swept me off my feet at first glance.

I guess God knows better than I do, hm?

It's so funny- I've always thought the song "Closer" by NIN is pretty sexy.  As we walked in that song was playing and he said something about lyrics to songs being important, and he grinned and said, "Like this one."  And I had this feeling like how did he know to say that?  We sat down to have a beer and talk and he asked me if I smoke and I said no although in the past I had from time to time.  He said he didn't really want to date someone who smoked and I joked that it was a question he should have asked me much earlier than upon meeting.  I don't really remember what we talked about as we sat there but at one point I had to pee so I walked to the bathroom and while there I text my BFF saying, "Oh my God he's perfect!  I am SO excited right now!"  I was very happy to be there.  He made me feel super comfortable and excited to know him better.

He slid off his bar stool and said, "Come on let's go take a look at your birthday blue moon," and we left to go outside for a walk.  And this is where it all started, right here.  The night was geeeeoooorgeous.  Totally perfect, warm and clear with bright shining stars and a full glowing moon.  As we walked he glanced sideways at me and said, "Would it be okay of I held your hand?" and I speechlessly nodded as he reached over and took my hand in his.  And I about died.  See, my ex-husband refused to hold my hand.  He acted like it was a chore, or he made a big scene about holding my hand so I always wanted a man who would hold my hand and then THIS guy asks on our first date, this insanely perfect man?  I was like, "Wait a minute here- what's up with this?"

He's got this wobbly little walk, bow legs.  And he *always* looked at me sideways, and smiled.  Always smiling.  That is something about James I cannot forget, how he always had a smile on his face.  He made me laugh a lot.

We walked along hand in hand and he kind of rubbed my palm with him thumb and... *squeeee* OMG.  Just OMG.  He's a walking ball of love and sexiness.  And he kept smiling at me.  He did most to the talking; I don't think I could talk much.  He spoke of science and the sky and my birthday.  He told me all these facts about earth and the universe, like the earth is 4.5 billion years old and the universe is 14.5 billion years old and there are as many stars in the sky as there are grains of sand on earth... can you imagine?  It really is a mind-blowing statistic.  And he told me I am made of star stuff.  Eloquent and graceful in his manner he took a look at me and guesstimated what I weigh, and he came up short, lol.  He told me what I'd weigh on the moon.  My little Science Trip.

Then we reached the swings and each took one and began swinging.  Somehow without me even planning it we were having the Best. Date. Ever. swinging under the light of the blue moon.  We looked at the moon and commented on how beautiful it was, and we talked.  As we talked he said something that made me take notice.  He looked up at the sky and said, "I believe in nemesis."  I of course was taken aback so I asked him to repeat himself and he said, "I believe in nemesis.  It is a hypothetical binary star to the sun," and he went on to tell me more about this "nemesis."  But of course all I could think of was that my guidance had used the same word before I left to meet him.  I didn't know what to make of it though.

We moved over to a park bench and sat to talk, him still holding my hand.  We were close.  He was adorable.  Just absolutely adorable and I felt that he could be someone special to me.  There was a pause and... I had to pee so bad!  My house is just across the street from this park so I asked him if he minded running to my house really quick because I seriously had to pee.  The beer did it to me!  We quickly walked to my house {thank God it was clean!} and he sat on the couch while I used the bathroom.  It was dark in the room and I remember so specifically how he was careful.  He did not touch me while in my house.  As soon as I walked back into the living room he shot up off the couch and moved to the door and we left.  Super respectful, not taking advantage of the situation.

Months later, after things changed actually, he'd mention our first date a lot whenever we'd end up on the phone, and a few times by email.  One thing he told me was that he almost kissed me while sitting on the park bench.  Said he'd been anticipating kissing me since we began talking since our energy was so off-the-charts and he was dying to see if we'd match intimately, and he knew "the kiss" would seal the deal, either yay or nay.  As he was getting ready to lean in to kiss me I blurted out, "I gotta pee!"

We walked around for a little longer and then it was time to head back to the bar to get our cars.  I was already wondering if he'd contact me afterwards.  So many guys don't follow up at all, or days later, and I think that's in bad taste.  I didn't want our date to end.  It was perfect, like he fell from heaven or something.  We reached our cars and he walked me up to mine.  I remember probably looking in my purse for my keys or something like that because he was standing close to me with this huge smile on his face and as I lifted my head he totally grabbed me and laid this SUPER huge sexy intense kiss on me that about made me fall over.  It was this kiss like, "I have waited my entire life for you and I can't wait one more second to kiss you!!!"  Oh my God.  He just reached out, took my face in his hand, brought our faces together and kissed me.  And he, with no apologies, slipped his tongue in my mouth, like totally owning me.  I was silence, completely stilled for a moment.  Shocked.

We broke apart and he looked at me, kind of amazed and I had no words.  Instead of talking I leaned forward for another kiss!!  Putting my arms around his neck for a moment we kissed deeply and my head was spinning.  I was thinking, "How?  How can he feel sooooo good?  So perfect and familiar and like home to me?  Why do I feel so comfortable with this man?  I could kiss him for ages..."Again we broke away and kind of grinned and giggled and looked at the ground, blushing, for making out in the parking lot like teenagers.  I thanked him for a wonderful date, a wonderful birthday, and we parted ways.

I watched my gift get into his car and drive away and I just melted.  I wondered if I'd hear from him.  Hoping that he'd follow how he'd be up until that point, totally conversational, saying hello every morning and good night every night even though we hadn't met yet.  I felt confident that he was one good man who knew how to treat a woman.  And I was right.  He got home about a half hour later and text me to tell me what a wonderful time he had.  He said I was the most beautiful woman ever and he hoped I'd meet him again.  He said he hoped I had a nice birthday and we made plans to see each other again.

I remember that night with vivid clarity.  It was by far the most magical night of my life, meeting the man who would change my life.

I do have to say I had NO idea, none.  I barely knew what a twin soul was- I'd heard it somewhere before but knew so little about it that it never occured to me that he might be anything like that.  I knew he must be soul energy but I had no idea.  I wish I had.  I wish I would have listened to my guidance and went all in, surrendered my fears and just let his love soak into me.

I miss my James.  So much.  And I have to admit something, the reason why I MUST write about him.  I find myself "blocking."  Putting those walls up.  I find myself thinking bad thoughts, thoughts I won't repeat here.  LIES.  I have to stay in a place of love where I defend my twin soul, defend the one who has sacrificed time spent with his true love in order to help heal her... me.  He deserves my love and affection, deserves for me to trust in him and remember who he truly is. 

This man was so excited to meet me, quivering with joy like a little freaking puppy dog.  We had an intense romance that began before we even met, before we laid eyes on each other or kissed.  The stars were totally aligned for us to meet like we did, under the light of that birthday blue moon.  He is the love of my life, and I am his.  I believe that he is out there dying to see me again, wanting his Beloved back in his life.  He wants me with him at night keeping him warm, snuggling.  My son sleeps with me- at night I get to cuddle up to him and snuggle and read to him and feel his companionship.  James has no one, and I firmly believe he is single and waiting for me.  I know that some months ago he wrote to me that he wished I was with him cuddled up in his arms.  I feel compassion for him because he is a man who craves being in a romantic relationship; James loves having a close girlfriend, and he wants to be married.  He does not like being alone.  And I know he is alone, for me.  I know he's aching for me, maybe more even that I am for him.  I have a sneaky suspicion that I cannot even fathom how much he misses me, his love.  James once told me, "I know I love you more than you love me."  It was after the shift and I was like, "Yeah whatever."  "Right."  But he said again, "No I know I love you more.  I love you to infinity and beyond times twelve.  I want you to be mine forever."  I could always feel an almost like... desperation to him, like, "You just don't understand how much I love you, do you?"   And maybe I didn't.  Maybe I still don't understand it.  Maybe it is one of my issues, comprehending how much he loves me and needs me back in his life, but I do believe it.  He showed me so much amazingly magical sweet tender gentle love.  I can't imagine myself with anyone but him.  My love.  My Light.  My gem.  I love him so so much.

My gift.  My blue moon birthday present.

Oh how I miss you my love.  I miss you and I hope you are well.  I know you want to be with me again, and I am working on it.  Thank you for waiting on me.  I love you my sweetheart.

I believe in you.

I believe in me.

I believe in us.