To "Live In The Now"

My friend, you obviously still read my blog and for some reason my belief and devotion to my twin soul and this experience irritates and annoys you.  Yes I read the forum.  I saw your response and I assumed it had something to do with me.

Listen, I am sorry for my terrible ego moment some months ago.  That was horrid of me, and totally hypocritical coming from someone who called herself "spiritual."  Majorly uncalled for, totally being a jerk out of just being frustrated and scared about all of this.  I will readily call myself out for being a royal ass.  Now I call myself nothing, not spiritual, not Christian, just me.  I am me.  I try to live a peaceful loving life.  And I still feel bad for how I reacted to you because it is not my normal personality and because it was hurtful and I never like being hurtful!  I may seem like a nitwit Pollyanna to you who walks around with a blind eye but I know there is one thing you can tell from my blog and that is I am a loving kind person, and I truly am.  I should not have used my gift of words to be such a shit!!  I do not like being mean so I am sorry.

I still think you and I must somehow be soul mates though because for some reason I still think of you, and I want to say I am very happy about something I read on the forum.  I don't want to be too specific on my blog but your life is changing {if I read that right} and changing for the better although it's a hard move.  Been there, done that and got the t-shirt!  In the end, as you know, it will be better off for all involved.  I wish you nothing but a wonderful life with your Beloved now that things are changing for you! I'm just so happy for you that you are making the change that so many others do not have the courage to do, and then they end up miserable for the rest of their lives.  Kudos to you for doing what is best for you.

I have a sneaky suspicion that you do feel some kind of connection to me, even sisterly, so you might feel some underlying "protectiveness" with me and it pisses you off that I defend James like I do.  Maybe you were my brother or dad in a past life and now you want me to be happy, want me to be free, and reading that I am still sticking with this bothers you.  I've often wondered why my situation bothers you so much and the only idea I can come up with is you care for me enough that you hate to see me doing what you would call "wasting my life."  Maybe I am wrong.  Maybe I, for some reason, just annoy you.  I'm not quite sure what it is.  I can tell you that if you knew the "real" me you'd feel much differently.  I am a strong single mother, an amazing mother at that, and a good friend and family member.  I have my friend and her two kids living with us right now because she needed help. I have the softest heart of anyone you'd want to meet.  If you knew me you'd have a lot more compassion for me than you do just reading these black typed words on a white page.  These "words" leave a lot to be desired because it's easy to lose sight of the "human heart" of the person who is writing them.

I can apologize for how I treated you but I cannot apologize for how I feel, who I love or what I believe in.  I cannot apologize for the fact that writing on my blog helps keep "this part of my life" sane.  I LIVE my life.  Last night I went to Joe's Bar in Chicago and saw my Fox Mulder {David Duchovny of The X-Files} play with his band.  And for the record it was amazing to see my most favorite TV character right in front of me but he was God awful at singing and writing lyrics!!!  I go to the beach often.  I play and have fun.  I do live,  I'm not just wasting my life away, and if anything this experience with James has made me SO much closer with my son, totally in the moment for his entire childhood, and for that I am very thankful.  And I do my stuff, like listening to Fox Mulder sing to me :)  I refuse to sulk and blow my life out the window through all of this.  I have a good life and I intend to enjoy it, this is why I have trips planned this summer and I am taking my son back to Disney World this fall.  I do live.

I do still think James is a good man and this is of the divine.  I have my reasons for thinking this way, reasons I have not shared on the blog, reasons you don't know about.  Will I do this forever?  No, not like this. Honestly I do't know what I will do.  I will continue to work on clearing out my energy because I know this is what's happening.  I will continue to write and do what my guidance suggested to me, and believe me I can be hugely stubborn and not listen to anything given to me- or else I've been too scared to do so.  Right now I am not comfortable writing here about my future since I have learned that my words create my existence so all I am comfortable saying is James is my future.  I have a reason for saying that and it is not just blind devotion.  It is because it's what I want so I am putting it out there.  I do love him and I thankful for him.  I believe he loves me and that one day I will hear from him again and we will pick up like none of this nonsense ever happened in the first place.

Do I love this experience?  No, not really but I have to be thankful for it because it's changed me so much for the better, more healthy and fearless, and I respect myself a ton more than I did before. And I avoid writing most times about how annoyed I get with all of this because it's counterproductive.  If or when the day comes when I am supposed to change from all of this, then I will.  For now I am in this to win this... and who knows what winning will mean for me in the end?  I will admit that maybe I think or want it to mean one thing when it will mean something different- but I don't know.  That's the thing... I can only go by what I do know and that is he treated me like a princess and has still helped me throughout our separation, so I am going with that.  Do I wish I had what you have?  My Beloved who I could talk to every day, someone I can share with readily and climb into bed with and know I can call on the phone and it will be answered?  HELL YES I DO.  More than you know!  I am not weak or submissive at all so this is the most challenging experience of my life!  Sometimes it makes me want to punch something!  I crave affection just like any other human being does.  So enjoy your friend, lover and soul mate but please try to find some compassion in your heart for me instead of irritation.  This is not easy for me. Not at all.  I am doing the best I can to believe in something I've found very difficult to believe in.  I'd much rather be wrapped up in James' arms then writing on a blog, believe me.  I want to be kissed and hugged and have conversations with him.  I want to make mad passionate love for hours and hours and days.  Very much,  I ONLY stick this out because I believe in my heart he is, was and always will be a good man who loves me, and because I have been guided to do so.  Sometimes it's not what my "free will" wants but I am trying to LISTEN even when sometimes I do not want to.

My guidance told me that in our union he has been here to help heal me, "heal his love" and I am here to love him through it, love him for it, and not desert him.  This is what I am doing.  I will always love him.  I can tell you that one day I WILL have true love in my life, here on earth in what we love to call 3D.  All I know is one day I will be hugging and kissing and talking and for the love of God, screwing again.  True love will be in my life. I know you can't understand my viewpoint sometimes.  I totally get it.  Just please don't let my situation annoy you so much.  Ha, believe me- it annoys me at times enough as it is.

My apologies, again, to you for purposefully pushing your buttons a while back.  We are all going through our own personal challenges at any given time and I know nothing of yours so I should not have been a infantile shit.  I hope you accept my apologies and once again think of me as a friend.  I am so so happy that life is changing for you so you and everyone else involved can find happiness. Hug your love for me.  Maybe throw a wish out there for me as you do it that one day soon I will be able to do the same with my own love.

Well bye for now.  I have a pot of coffee that is desperate to be brewed, two screaming cats asking to be fed breakfast, and tons of chores to do... and a wasp problem to take care of.  I've been stung three times in two weeks so now I get to pay an exterminator when I'd much rather use that money to do something fun.  Such is life, right?

One last thing- the reason why I said your relationship with your love sounds more like a soul mate than a twin soul is because it is sweet and most of the time peaceful.  Ask ANYONE who is in a twin soul union how it feels and it is far from sweet and peaceful.  My soul mates were so sweet and peaceful and I loved them dearly!!!  Soul mates are wonderful and they often come with their own signs, synchs and divine wonderment.  One thing I do not think they do, though, is offer the dreaded silence, separation and plunging down into the pits of Hell.  So please don't take offence at my words. Yours is a strongly loving relationship with this woman.  I actually envy you greatly if you want to know the truth but more than envy- I am happy for you that you have such a permanent long-term soul-based love in your life and you two can enjoy each other.  I am really sorry, though, for saying you are full of bullshit :)

Wishing you nothing but the best,  I'm glad you are happy.  Relax and, well, live in the now ;)

Jennfer