August Leo Love

I first spoke to James at the beginning of August, two years ago.  We may have had our first phone call on August 1st because we spoke right after meeting and talking via email on July 31st.  So it's been two years since I "met" my love.  A lot has transpired over these two years.  I still believe it's Divine and he loves me.  But I remember hearing his sweet adorable voice for the first time and how he made me melt just with his smiley "Hiiiii..."  We talked for hours and he never ever wanted to hang up the phone.  Even after all of this "stuff" started whenever we'd get on the phone we'd talk forever and he never wanted to get off the line.  He text me later, "We must really love each other- that was a four hour phone call."  *hint hint to Jennifer- I LOVE YOU!*

As you all know from reading my blog, James and I were born within hours of each other in the same hospital.  He is my Leo Love.  Leos love HARD.  My ability to love beyond the thresholds of how other people love is not my choice.  It is who I am, born in me.  I do fight for what I believe in.  He loves hard too- he loves like I do.  I knew that when I met him.

Lately all of my contacts are being taken away.  My two "twin soul" friends have gone quiet as they too turn inner and try with all their might to believe and keep their thoughts and intentions good.  If you knew them you'd know they go through some of the very same things as I do with James- I am not alone, and these guys are all good loving men.

One thing I want to make clear though is at this point in my journey I see how this is MY experience.  Mine, uniquely mine.  I have shared it to help me and also in case it may help someone going through something similar.  But only you know your own journey.  Only you know if this person who is not responding is really a soul contract or if he's just not that into you.  I've had guys who are just not that into me- I clearly know what it feels like.  I was married to one for ten years!  This with James is much different.  Nothing about the quiet and all the rest of the oddness feels normal, nothing but the love feels real.  Everything else feels fake and just totally not real.  But again this is my journey and I apologize if at any time I have tried to push my beliefs on you as your truth.  You are the one who has to know your own truth, and that comes from within and from what you are shown. I am only sharing my journey.  I am no "expert."  I am no "pro."  I am simple a 40-something single-mother Midwestern woman doing my best to keep it real while loving someone with my entire being who is not physically here with me now.  The divine speaks to me- just trying to come to grips with that little nugget takes some getting used to.  The rest with James, well it's been quite the roller coaster.

So how I feel is if you want to date and you feel totally okay with it- then date and be HAPPY!  Life is short- be happy!  If you meet someone wonderful and don't want to turn him away then by all means give it a shot.  YOU will know by how it feels.  You will know if it's the best step for you or not by how it rolls out, how it feels, what it brings to your life.  If you need to feel anger then feel anger.  If you need to go off on your twin to get it all out then do so.  You gotta do what you gotta do. I am at a place where I've never felt like questioning him or "going off on him," and there are two reasons why.  One is it's never felt right to me, like he doesn't really deserve it.  Two is, boy howdy, when I HAVE questioned him I get responses that very quickly thrust my fears and doubts right back into my face to say, "So how does it feel?  Does that doubt feel good?"  I learned early on that the more I question, doubt, try to convince, or anything other than believing in his love- I get all of that energy pushed back towards me from him and it does not feel good.

ONLY when I have followed my belief and trust in him and his love for me has this journey moved any further forward towards "I get to talk to my love again."  Only when I listen to my guidance and my heart to put forth the energy of belief can he come closer.  And the moment I fall into fear, doubt, disbelief, wondering inside my head why he isn't writing back, worrying "Does he really love me?" or "Am I certain he didn't really mean what he said?"  he immediately pulls back, and he also mirrors all of that energy back to me.  So for me I really must stay in an energy of love and belief because if I do not then I make my own life a living Hell as it pertains to romantic relationships and I really do not want that any longer.  I want peace, love and happiness in my romantic love life.

I know I've said this a hundred times on my blog but I have a feeling I really need to stop blogging now.  It is hard for me to not write.  I like to share and conversate, etc. but I don't think I am meant to. I think I am supposed to be writing privately.  I don't know for sure since my guidance stopped channeling to me like a year ago.  But I've shared pretty much all I know.  I am in love with and devoted to my James, my Leo Love.  He is the best thing besides my child to ever have happen to me, and he's treated me better than any man ever has in my entire life.  I only believe in his love for me.  I pray we reconnect soon.  I have faith that happiness is at the end of the tunnel for me, and I've really tried hard to listen and follow and grow as a soul.  I know that one day I will be happy in blissful, unconditional, passionate, wonderful romantic soul-based love.  My One and Only, my True Love.

Follow the path that is shown to you.  All of our journeys are different.  I've shared mine but really the more I learn and grow the more I realize we all learn our own ways and nothing is "bad" or "wrong."  If you want to date then date.  If you want to mother fuck your twin up and down one side of the street and then the other- then do it and get it out of your system.  In the end though try to follow your heart.  The heart knows the truth, and sometimes the mind can be an asshole so be careful of it.  Only when the mind is working in tandem with the heart is there a good balance.  Live life fully, and if you can find it in your heart- love your twin soul even if you are not with him, even if you are mad at him and you feel utterly abandoned and rejected.  Even if you move on to a wonderful new love... if you feel this person you've known is this soul connection who has had to come to you and cause you pain to help wake you up, have compassion for him even if he is not in your life.  I know they don't want to do it.  I just know it.  But go on and be happy.  Enjoy life.  Find love again if that is what you truly want and need to do- maybe it is your step in the right direction.  Who am I to tell you otherwise?  I only know what's been shown to me and how I feel, and that is unique to me.

My birthday and his are both coming up soon.  What I want for my birthday more than anything is to have James back in my life as my boyfriend.  I feel he'd love the same thing too.  As my boyfriend more than "twin soul."  I am very tired of twin soul stuff.  I just really would love to have my sweet loving caring kind generous respectful amazing friend and lover back with me.  So that is my birthday wish.

Love,

Jennifer