Light

I know after my last blog post some of you, many of you, will think I am strange or in denial to go forward in belief.  And that's okay- that is your choice.  I am going forward in hope and love and with as much belief as I can muster.  I guess you'd have to walk in my shoes to understand alllllllll the strange "mirroring" I've experienced through my twin soul and to see how he truly is a direct reflection of what I am thinking and feeling.

In the recent past James has asked me flat out if I am dating.  It's not always warm and fuzzy because he can't be warm and fuzzy when I am in fear or doubt.  But still the point being made to me that I am not meant to date, and he does not want me to date.  I don't share everything on my blog.  Some things I hold back, and he's asked me things like, "So tell me again whether or not you've dated.  I like it when you are honest."  And that alone shows me that he does NOT want me dating, even if he can't come right out and say it.  Yet I forgot that here recently.  I forgot to think about his feelings and only thought about mine.  And I am so not happy with myself about it.  I did go out and meet a man a few months ago, AFTER James wrote that to me about, "Tell me again if you've dated..." I knew better.  Luckily it was just coffee and a walk but still- this is all about intention.

I should not have met that man for a date when I am so in love with and working to reunite with my twin soul.  Bottom line.  *I* see it and that's all that matters to me.  I KNOW James loves me with all of his heart and all he wants is me.  I am here now having to wonder what is truth?  Try to understand what happens in my union: when I do not believe truth I am then given LIES.  Do you understand?  So if I begin to worry about him and his intentions, if I start to question the person he is or his goodness, if I do not believe TRUTH then he will send me lies and I have to fret and worry and DIE inside trying to overlook the lies.  And I am the one who creates them in the first place!

And when it is going to happen that I push it too far with my doubts that I can find so hard to shake?  I don't even want to think about it.  All I know is three and a half months ago my love was writing to me telling me he wanted to see me again and hoped to be intimate with ME.  I do not believe all of this changed in three and a half months although if it did- then *I* created that change.  I do know that James would not ask to see me had he been in a relationship.  And I don't think he's in one now either but instead he is having to reflect back to me how it would feel to think of him being with someone other than me, and quite frankly the thought of losing the best thing that has ever happened to me kills my heart.  I have to survive.  I have a son to take care of.  I can't take myself off the planet due to my responsibilities but I can tell you my heart would never survive.  Never. Especially knowing that all along this man has wanted to come back to me and I have kept him away.  I know I have.

I am a strong woman and soul.  I've faced down a lot of fear already.  I have stuck it out when most others would have run off by now.  At least one of you out there haunts me with this idea that I am nuts or in denial or weak for holding on like I am- but I am following my soul instead of any 3D conventions.  The twin soul union is not for the weak and it is a unique intense strong soul connection.  The only reason why I have stayed this long is because I do believe in God.  I believe this union is of God, and also because I remember the little cute sweet adorable man I dated and I know that man is REAL.  He is truth.  I think that right there, the truth of James when he was in my life blessing me with his amazing love, is the ONE reason I have stuck this out and tried my damndest to look past the fear.  And I can't see myself giving up this fight {not fighting for love but fighting my fears so I don't kill my love} over something that I 1) created myself and 2) could easily be illusion since I know how it works with us.  He gives me illusion all the time.

As my real-life life-long best friend said it this morning, "He is just doing his job for you."  She understands why I would never be mad at him, and she tells me not to give up even though the road is dark.  She feels he's just jangling my chain like he is supposed to and there is no way in this short of an amount of time he's met someone and become engaged.  Thank GOD for my soul sister Beverly.  Thank God for her.  She also understands that James emailed me EVERY DREAM I'd recently wrote in my journal.  IN MY JOURNAL.  How can I attribute that to his ego instead of the divine?  I can't.  It is no accident.  I turned to another man and then the one I actually love showed me my dreams being crushed.  Not a good feeling but a total wake up call.

I love my twin soul with all of my heart.  I am one who can say I refuse to back down from this no matter how long it takes, and oh it's a challenge.  My aunt is upset with all this.  She hates my guidance.  She told me yesterday, "You will be 42 next week and I can see you with a family and a new baby..." and she wants me to move on.  To forget all this and find someone new so I can be happy.  I suppose I could do that.  I could take his words that I should go off and find someone new at face value and run off to the arms of another now.  I could tell myself that he no longer wants me, has replaced me and I need to move on.  But I don't think that's truth...

And I cannot do that.  James is my destiny, and he is meant to be the father of my next child.  As the creator of my reality I am going to suck it up and fight my fears and still continue to believe James loves me with all of his heart and wants me in his life.  Some of you might not understand that, and I respect your thoughts.  Twin souls are not "real life."  Nothing about this is real life.  Him reciting back to me the dreams I recently wrote in my journal, showing me that I am running from them, is not of this earth.  HE DID NOT KNOW IN 3D WHAT I'D WRITTEN.  He should not have been able to do that!  I know it is of the divine so I will have faith and move forward.  This *is* terrifying for me!  Don't think for one moment it isn't because it is.  Fuck me it is scary, and I am "just" me but methinks I am stronger than I realize.  I can do this.  I know there is light in the darkness and I will follow it.

Some of you write to me and remind me to love MYSELF.  Some of you tell me to take the focus off of him and put it on myself.  To love me as much as I love him.  Some of you tell me that I should not think about him or reunion and just concentrate on me and I get it.  Unconditional love for self is very important; this is not all about him.  I sooooo know this, and I am working on loving myself fully but try to understand- I can love myself oodles and oodles but it is not until I can fully believe that he loves me too, that I know I am worthy of him being so in love with me and that he wants me and that I KNOW fully he knows my goodness so much and loves it with no turning back, that's when I am going forward.  So it does come back to him, always.

And I have to trust my twin soul.  I have to never ever doubt his intentions.  I can never ever believe even for one moment that he could be this person he must present to me to show me myself.  I'll never believe this fearful reflection of myself that he shows me is him. Never. It is hurtful to him and disrespectful to be afraid of him just because he has to show me myself.

My son and I went out for Chinese food last night and we each got a fortune cookie.  Mine said something about "You will travel soon both for work and pleasure."  My son's said, "The object of your desire comes closer."  He's five so he asked me to read them to him.  And he said, "Hey mom can I have your message and you can have mine?"

And I said yes- yes you can.  I'd be happy to take his message. "The object of your desire comes closer."  Maybe, just maybe, if I don't cave to fear and I don't take his words at face value, if I can see past the fear and plow through, it will be a step in the right direction, a step closer.

I love this man more than life itself.  For me there is no other option.  Anyone else would pale in comparison to him.  He is my Light so I will fight my fears for myself and for him.  For anyone who may have forgotten while reading my blog: my guidance clearly told me that my mission is to love my twin soul, to trust and believe in him, through anything and everything he has to show me in order to help heal me of fear.  So I am just trying to be faithful to my mission as a twin soul.

I have to work diligently to de-create my fears and re-create the sweet man who is my truth.  So I will focus on that, in private.  He and I both are only LOVE and yes my goal, my intention, my dream is REUNION.  Reunion with the best thing that has ever happened to me besides my dear son.  Reunion with my heart.  Reunion with my dreams come true, with my Beloved soul friend and love, my One and Only True Love, my Prince.  MY GIFT FROM GOD.  He is my gift from a loving God.  He and I together as one on earth is my main priority in life right now, healing this and seeing his beautiful sweet smiling loving face again while being snuggled in his tender arms for eternity.
Call it crazy love if you want to.

XxOo

Jennifer