More Feelings...

I want to write a few more things out on here.

James has always told me he finds me beautiful.  My guidance once told me he finds me "impossibly beautiful" and he... oh if you only knew how many times he's told me this, the lengths he's went to to talk about my beauty.

My childhood was rough.  I was a chubby child and it made my parents nuts.  We were abused various ways and I was often told I was ugly and fat.  One of them would poke me in my belly and tell me I was disgusting.  All my life I was made to feel fat and unlovable.  Even in high school my mother insisted on taking me shopping at the plus sized stores when I was about a healthy size ten. They both had issues with body image that I won't explain here but they warped me and my brother while we were growing up, and yes this must still be stuck with me today.

Then my sister came alone ten years after me and she was absolutely beautiful and perfect, their dream child.  My dad used to hold her on his lap, pet her head and say, "My beautiful daughter" while I was sitting there with them.  And I WAS buck-teeth, frizzy hair, total "baby fat belly" for a long time.  I was an awkward child.  I was an ABUSED child.  So I was ashamed of myself.

I was ashamed of myself.  They acted like I was an embarrassment so I felt like I was an embarrassment.  It was horrible.  I was very quiet and shy because I did not want to be seen.  I felt like a monster, like everyone was looking at me and pointing and laughing, and sometimes they did point and laugh because I was also a teased and bullied child on top of it.

In high school I did not date.  I was too nervous and shy so I had no boyfriends, only hard crushes.  I did not socialize well.  Again I was ashamed of myself.

I remember one day a male school mate of mine told me he loved when I was a lector {a reader} at the church we both attended because he loved seeing me up there... and I was shocked.  Like why? He said I was beautiful.  He was one of those awkward kids too, the ones who grow up to be spiritual and have a strong heart.  Another time I remember going to a class full of maybe first graders for some special presentation.  I had long blond curly hair, and in reality I was a pretty girl just very broken inside.  A little girl looked up at me in awe and said, "You are as pretty as a princess."

I will never forget that moment- children do not "judge" based on what others thing or stigma.  Kids speak truth.

But my whole life I've had issues with my self-image.  And then I met my soul mates and they were in awe of my like I am some kind of goddess {one of them shook whenever he was around me} and then my James has always been the same way.  Every time we connect throughout this journey together, no matter how odd it is, he always tells me how gorgeous I am.  He's went on and on before about how gorgeous I am, and also he'd tell me "But that's not all I love about you..." and he'd list all the other reasons he loves me.

Lately I do not feel very beautiful.  My room mate has told me she's noticed me lately really berating myself,  I am going to be 42 and I am noticing my age, and being alone does not help matters any. Sometimes when I let my doubts in and I feel "unchosen" then that's not good either.

So when I saw his Twitter feed and saw these few choice singers he chooses to follow I did lose my mind for a couple days.  I don't like seeing James writing words of love and adoration to any other woman but me BUT- these are "fantasies."  They are not real.  THANK GOD.

Do I even need to elaborate more on that?  One thing I have managed to do throughout this journey is KNOW in my heart he is being faithful to me.  I know he is not dating.  I feel it.   It's been a few months now since I've been able to bring him back to me but every time I do he says he wants to see me, and James would not do that if he was seeing someone else.  I know he loves me.  I know I am the date-able one for him like he told me.  I know I am his one and only true love.

And while looks are not everything and I know this fully- I will say that I know I am beautiful both inside and out and no matter how I look James would still find me gorgeous.  He's shown me that too, raving about how gorgeous I am in a photo even though the phone was over my face.  Telling me how thin I look, lol, when I know I have gained a bit of weight.  He's meant to do that.  He does find me effortlessly beautiful, and this is why in the past when we are able to reconnect he goes totally out of his mind over a simple shot of my legs.  He... wants me.  I know he does.  He loves me like I love him, and I LOVE him.  Like I adore every single thing about him.  I may think Paul Rudd is attractive {hubba hubba} but still my James is the one who does it for me.  I think he is perfect in every single way, and no matter what I would love him.

I am a bit sad though, and I don't know if this is just my mind making shit up or if this is my intuition speaking to me.  But again... I am a bit haunted to see how he follows these people on Twitter, and it is not just women.  He has a few people he follows, good people, and he comments to them like they are his "buddies."  It's cute but it makes me feel like he is lonely.  Like he spends a lot of time doing this, online reading stuff and sharing.  And I always knew he did but it's even more evident now that he needs me in his life like he told me he did.  I just feel badly.  He thinks I am as beautiful as those singers but he should be with me, in real life.  He needs a real life love.  Me.  We are meant to be together, and he is so sweet.  And he really was SO good to me.  He made me feel like a princess, like I was the most beautiful woman on the planet.  Never once has he alluded to otherwise, and he never would.  He does find me effortlessly beautiful because I AM.  I am beautiful both inside and out, and he knows it- he feels it and he sees it.  He loves what I stand for, and he knows my heart.

There is so much more to him than I knew, and I love what I've found out about him.  The sweetheart- even these women he finds so attractive- he's respectful.  He's sweet.  He thinks they are pretty, lol.  He's lonely.  I want to be with him.  I want to ease his loneliness and actually touch him and kiss him and hug him like he needs and deserves.

I want to love him so badly, in person.  And I do love him from afar.

My heart is really breaking right now.  I miss James with a passion.  I want nothing more than to be in his arms again, holding him and running my hands through his hair and kissing him for hours.  Hugging him tightly.

I've always written on my blog that he's a warm man, and he is.  He also loves beauty, and really who doesn't?  Yes a part of me is triggered by him commenting on these beautiful women.  I cannot hide that fact.  But the thing is he thinks I AM THAT BEAUTIFUL TOO.  And he showed me all the time.

And my God do I want him back in my life.  We are so meant to be together.  I have to make this happen.  I cannot stand being apart from my love.  I have this feeling of compassion for him.  I think it is seeing this and realizing that he is lonely, just like he told me.  He told me, "I need you.  I need you in my life."

I know he needs me.  I pray I can make this happen.  I just miss him so much.  He's so my love bug. Mine.  He used to write those words to me :)  And he wanted to, and I know he still does.  I want him to be able to be everything he is to me.  I adore him.  More than I can find good words to say without sounding like, right now, I am a huge dork who is going off the deep end.

I MISS HIM.  It is a missing, a feeling, I cannot explain.  I want nothing more than to be with my love again like I know we are meant to be.  He is a good sweet man, and I know he needs me in his life like I need him.

Each of our journeys become very personal in the end.  Mine has.  Mine has come to this place where I am the only one on earth who can understand it, or know how I feel.  Like I can barely breathe without him here.  Like the best thing that ever happened is out there somewhere walking and talking and living and he is not with me and that is a tragedy.

Just ugh.  I love him.  He is wonderful.  He deserves good strong love and someone soft and cuddly and warm to hug and love on at night too.  It is not just ME who is lonely- he is too.  I feel it.  He told me not long ago that he wished I was cuddled up in his arms.  That was not long ago, and I know he means it.

I so badly need him back with me where he belongs.  He needs hugs too.  His heart is so absolutely beautiful that it is amazing.  It makes me ache- his heart is so perfect.  I once had that amazing person in my arms and in my life and I am so blessed to even have known this man.  But I really want him back now.  I ache for him in the worst way.  I pray we can be together soon, my love.

Jennifer