Magic

I love this video, and the words to this song are great.  I feel James in this song.

Oh my friends who read this blog... I am on the verge of losing my mind.  I can't eat much and I did not sleep well last night.  My emotions have not been in this much uproar since the first six months after we separated, and we are on month 22 now.  I am forcing down an apple with some peanut butter this morning and trying to drink a lot of water so I stay hydrated but I feel like gagging.  And I hate sleepless nights.

I woke at 2AM and had to write to get back to bed, and then I had strange dreams about writing.  *sigh*  I am so in love with James that it's on a whole other level, not of this world for sure, and I am not really familiar with chakras and all that but my insides feel all in an uproar.  My upper chest feels fluttery and my belly is upset.  I feel like I want to gag.

I realize in looking at the Twitter feed just how hard I can still be on myself.  Insecurity was slammed in my face when I saw the women he finds beautiful.  And I want to weep.  I have an old email from James, from before all of this started.  It is the sweetest message EVER!  He told me that he feels like I appreciate someone listening to me and that he hears me and loves what I have to say, that he likes my mind and how I think, that HE listens to me.  And then he said he could see this really becoming something special and he wrote, "You are a beautiful, smart, sexy etc. etc. woman and don't ever change."

Not long after that he moved away and went silent.

He meant all of that sweet loving sentiment.  I know he did.  And I can't get over the fact that he is not here with me now.  My mind is all over the place.  This is so fucking stupid but I want to change my look or wear more makeup or lose weight... and it's all this frantic reaction to seeing his Twitter feed.  I am aware of it though, and trying to work through it.

Not to mention, as I said before, all of his comments are either funny, cute, endearing or they show just how sensitive and in touch with his emotions and heart he is.  He posts about "no kids going hungry" so much that the group thanked him for getting the word out and he "liked" that one post of them thanking him.  And he has a picture of one of these singers "liked" and in it she is holding a baby.

A baby.  *weeping*  He has a few comments about kids on there, and I can tell he wants a child.  I KNOW he wants a child.  Oh my God in one of our "odd exchanges" last year exactly this time we ended up discussing having a child together and he wrote that it is honestly what he wants most.  Now much of our communication is so off the fucking chain that I have to sort through truth and lies.  But I always know that the goodness is truth and the icky is lies from above to force me to own my truth.  I KNOW that comment about "That's what I want most" is truth.  James wants to be a daddy, and he wants me to be the mother of his child.  And I want that more than I want OXYGEN.

There are times when I feel like throwing in the towel, handing my child over to my parents and my son's dad, and checking myself into a mental institution for a while.  Now is one of them.  I feel like there is not ONE person on earth feeling like I do right now.  It's the most isolating and mind-bending experience to believe something so fully, something that no one else believes!

I go back and forth between thinking, "Okay what's he feeling?  What is causing him, on his end, to not respond?  Or what causes him to say the things he does {always in response to my energy but still.}  EVERYONE says, "Well there has to STILL be a reason why he does what he does."  So I wrack my brain trying to figure out what issues he could possibly be working through when he seemed SO stable, balanced and super duper ready for a tight, fully-committed and intense relationship with a strong woman.  That's what he longed for, and in me he found the woman who could fulfill that desire for him.  He told me so, and what's more is I felt it in him.  I felt in him that he was already enlightened, super healthy inside and out, and just perfect.  It's what I've written on this blog {and on the forum} from the start and his Twitter feed reiterated it to me.  I was right in what I felt about him.  And I want God to know I realize I am damn lucky in finding what I did.  I am thankful.  Oh holy shit I am so thankful to find him typing sweet sentiment to women he's never going to meet, never going to hold hands with, etc... you get my drift.  As far as I am concerned- I am thankful for his fantasy crushes because I feel like he's being faithful to us.  I really do.  I just feel it in my heart. 

So I contemplate what could possibly be his "issues" that everyone tells me he MUST have if he's my twin soul but then I am shown from above something that defies explanation even though I try my best to explain it here.  It's as if there is an other-wordly energy inside of my twin that is always running the show, always "on to me" and always "powering him" for lack of another way to explain it.  Like sci-fi.  Like fiction.  Like "not-reality."  And it freaks me out because he IS human {I know, lol BOY do I know!!!} yet some of our exchanges are supernatural, not of this reality.  Can't be explained away as "his ego" or that he is simply reflecting me.  He knows what I think before I even think it.  He knows every single iota inside me that I am holding back even if it is just 1% of full truth, and he will push and prod me until I spill that 1%, until I am forced to unearth and shine light on any "dirty little secret" that he's trying to bring to the surface.

*sigh*  I am overwhelmed.  Yesterday I took some time to clean my house a bit, hung with the kiddos, took my son for a bike ride, had some frozen yogurt but I also wrote a lot.  I have a private blog along with my hand-written journals and I just wrote all day, on and off.  Truth.  And truth is that man wants to be with me, and he's always wanted to be with me, and he never desired to leave me, and he wants me as his future.  None of that ever changed, and he feels just the same for me now as he did.  He thinks I am as awesome as these women on his Twitter feed, even better because he can have me, and I know he wants me.  He admires me too.  Always did.  And I have to KNOW that, God damn it!  NO doubts, no fears, no worries.  Just trust and knowing.

Oh God I pray we are together soon.  I don't know how much more of this I can handle.  Trying to keep it real is all I can say.  I was feeling disconnected from him and I am wondering if that's why I found the Twitter feed.  It brought him right back to me.  He's so endearing.  So sweet, and very sensitive.  I ACHE to have that sweet sensitivity back in my life, my soft-hearted loving man.

He's not normal at all.  He's better than normal, and so am I.  So are us all.

And I am perfect just as I am.  Not with more makeup or darker hair or better clothes or thinner or more alluring.  I am me and that is fine.  Bridget Jones' Diary is one of my favorite movies on the planet.  I used to watch it almost daily.  It spoke to me.  "I already feel like an idiot most of the time," she says to Mark.  I've spent my entire life feeling like an idiot and I know that's not true.  I am not an idiot.  I love how after this scene here Bridget and her amazingly hilarious and sweet friends are out for dinner discussing Mark telling her that he likes her "Just as she is," and her friend says, "Not thinner or with bigger boobs?" {or something like that} and Bridget replies with a look of amazement that no- he likes her just as she is and they are all quieted like nothing more can be said.

Inner beauty is so much more important than outer, I know.  Funny how things in life make us question this.  I'm having one of those moments and am working through it.  I love myself and I know James does too.

Just as I am.

I feel like James thinks of me like the song above, Magic.  "You know it's true I don't want anybody else but you."  This is the truth that I am writing.

xxoo

Jennifer