My Heart

I am struggling a bit because as I look back at the last two years I see how my twin soul tried over and over to show me his love and get me to believe in it.  I could sit here and list out all the instances but I won't.  I can tell you he'd pop through and say things that kind of scared me but now I look back and see how he was honestly telling me, "I don't want to talk politics and religion and science with you- I want to come home, sweep you up, get you naked and feel your naked skin against my naked skin while we kiss and cuddle and be close and make love for hours.  Then we can lay together and talk.  After we've reconnected like we are meant to for hours and hours."

I think all along I was being told to just remember the LOVE.  It was very intimate between us.  The times when we were physically together all we did was kiss and touch and could not bear to be separated.  We had to be CLOSE, like right on top of each other kissing and entwined and all wrapped up in each other.  Constant kissing.  Noses nuzzling, close up smiles.  He smiled into my eyes all the time.  Those gorgeous blue eyes.  I miss him so much, oh my God I miss him so so much. I don't know what I am going to do.  I feel like I am losing my mind because the level of love I have for him, and how much I miss him and dream of having him in my arms again, is nearly intolerable.  I am far beyond being able to "let go" or shift my focus or any of those teachings.  Does not work for me.  That is not my journey.

I think James and I are meant to just be close.  Seriously we are meant to be in bed cuddled, often. We are meant to be intimate.  He LOVES being all close and cuddle and loving.  We'd connected on the phone then afterwards discuss our little fantasies and desires and he'd say, "Why did we waste so much time discussing religion before?  This is so much more fun," and I get it.  I understand.  It was never meant to be all that between us.  We are meant to be two ooey gooey balls of love.  He always told me we'd make love every day without fail.  I just think we are meant to be very passionate and intense and physical together, close and warm and loving.  Throughout this journey I kept falling back on his Atheism and politics and trying to draw him near by sending him some stupid link or some article when really all I was meant to do was concentrate on our love.  The rest is not important, not in the end.  In the end our love is important.  *I* am the one who made a big deal over the rest when all he wanted to do was love me.  He even told me that last year during a really strange exchange.  He said, almost frustrated, "You just don't get it.  All I want to do is come back and love you."  Yet I am telling you something inside of me just would not allow that to happen.  I blocked it. I feared it.  I disbelieved it.  I questioned it... and the more I did that the more quiet and cold he'd have to be.

I SOOOOOOO so so so miss my Love's sweet warm loving nature.  He truly is this big walking ball of love energy like I am.  And I miss him so much.  Just so much.  I am so sad that due to my own doubt and fear energy I've kept that warmth away from me.  That he's had to hold it back and not be his truth to me.  I do not  know what tomorrow holds.  I do not know when I might see him or hear from him again but I can tell you that I KNOW the man who met me and asked to hold my hand on our first date is truth, and I miss that love, that sweet sweet love, so much.  So much so that there is no moving on for me.  It is impossible.

Ache.  I ache.  I cannot say much more than that.  My birthday was not easy.  Today is his birthday and it is not easy.  I want this man back in my arms, in my bed, in my life as my close intimate adoring spouse and life-partner more than I've ever wanted anything in my life.  More than exchanging texts or emails.  More than discussing shit.  I want him back in my arms.  I want a life with him.  I dream of making a baby with him.  Close and connected and yes, lots and lots of good lovemaking like we shared when he was together.  Those are my dreams.  Always holding hands.  Locking gazes where my expression tells him I want him naked,  That's how I feel about him, and it is far far beyond "romance."  It is like we are the same person separated into two different bodies and only when those two bodies are physically together do we feel like one single complete unit again.  Like only when we are naked and touching, looking into each others eyes, are we close enough.  Intimate.  Touching, always touching.  I CRAVE to touch my love's skin and to be touched by him.  I know he wants to touch me and kiss me and hug me and love me.  And quite honestly- that's ALL I can concentrate on right now.  I am no good for guidance.  I've explained all I can in order to try to help others.  I've explained what happened to us when I did not believe in his adoring love.  I've explained the coming and going between us.  I've explained when I run what happens, and I told my truth about what happened recently when I reached out to another man.  I've told it all in order to help other people know what direction to try and follow, and what pitfalls to avoid.  But now this is pretty much all about me and my heart.  And my heart... is so not complete without being with my love.

I am totally out of my mind right now.  It is a singular solitary inner journey because I cannot really share my feelings because 99% of people would tell me I am obsessed or too attached.  When really all I am in in love with the best man in the universe and my heart and soul are crying out for him.  I miss him so much.  I love him so much.

Happy birthday to my sweetheart.  You already know how I feel about you.  I miss you and my heart is with you.  I hope you have a good day.  I wish I was spending the day with you all wrapped up kissing and hugging and sharing our love, showing you how much you mean to me.  I love you.

"Questions of science, science and progress, do not speak as loud as my heart."

I know his love for me is stronger than anything else between us.

Jennifer