I want to write a words about our kisses and our love even though it's highly personal. There is another twin soul who blogs about her twin but it's a much different description. Her blog is beautiful and raw and highly sexual; I can't stay there very long due to the, er, "heated" nature of her photos and videos. When a highly sexual being like myself chooses celibacy for nearly two years... let's just say I normally keep my thoughts pretty squeaky clean. When I do fantasize it's always about James.
Her blog, as I said, is highly passionate and sexual and it made me realize something. James and I, our lovemaking was sweet. Just like our kisses. He and I are so much alike it's really interesting. I see it even more now but when we made love it was... simple but fun and really genuine. It was very good, lol. I don't speak much about our personal intimacy because some things maybe need to stay private but one thing about James is he was intent on pleasuring me. You know what I mean by "pleasuring me."
My first husband told me I had a "dirty cunt." Or it may have been a nasty cunt. I don't really remember now which one it was. I only know he would not perform oral sex on me. When he tried he would gag, he naturally had a terrible gag response, and he told me that bit about me being nasty which is and was not true but I guess you could say it messed with my head.
Then my second husband didn't like it either, at all. We didn't have sex often even though I loved him and craved him. He didn't really want me for some reason and now he tells me it had nothing to do with me and all to do with him which is fine. We are past that and are friends now. Him performing oral sex on me was not a part of our sex life. I did it for him and he of course enjoyed it and because I am a natural "giver" of all things affectionate I actually liked making him feel good. I got used to this idea that my body, especially "down there," was not good. I didn't realize how terrified I was at the thought of a man going down on me after all that.
When James and I started talking he told me he enjoyed giving oral sex. And I remember feeling a little apprehensive. I'd actually had a few lovers after my divorce try and I could not relax. It made me want to cry out of anxiety and worry. James, he loves my legs and my thighs. Like LOVES them and he kept telling me once it came to "that point" that I'd have to beat him off with sticks. Or call the fire and police department to get his head out from between my thighs, lol. He's funny.
And he was not kidding. He INSISTED on making sure to pleasure me "down there" and he would not take no for an answer. He acted like it was one of his favorite places to be, and he told me... well- he let me know he liked what he was doing and wanted to do it EVERY NIGHT FOREVER. He said he loved the way I taste. And to someone who was one told she has a "nasty cunt" you can see the opposition. And the relief. And the healing.
Our lovemaking was sweet. I can't say it was like the most hard core porn-worthy perfect sex the world has ever seen. And I am glad. It was open and passionate and so so so honest, true, real and vulnerable lovemaking. It was beautiful, perfect to ME.
But as I look through my friend's blog and I see all these photos and gifs of men and women making really hardcore love I saw the gif of these two kissing and that is the one that reminded me most of me and James, the one above. That tender kissing. And it occurred to me that our love was very very sweet like he is and like I am. We were not together long enough to really "experiment" although we talked about our fantasies the few times we connected during this strange separation. He always wanted to talk about being intimate together. Not fucking but intimate. It was never fucking with James. Only lovemaking.
I have one absolutely perfect memory of him, and it's a, you know, sexy memory. It can sometimes be hard to let my mind go here. They are beautiful memories of beautiful moments but I do miss him. Yet I am reminded of just how much he does love me. We'd made love and were having what he likes to call "pillow talk" and James LOVES pillow talk. He loves to lay back and cuddle and nuzzle noses and touch gently while talking, all his little smiles and kisses. So sweet. After some time of laying there holding me he smiled and there were some kisses and some touches and he eased above me and began making love to me again. It was the one time we made love twice in one night. And I remember looking up at him, into his beautiful blue eyes and he was no longer smiling. His expression was serious. Intense. His gaze was deeply intense and he kind of shook his head as he moved inside of me as if to say, "I can't believe you are even real," and he whispered, "You are amazing."
He liked to make love to me hard, like he really had to take all of me. Still though it was sweet. Very close and intimate and intense. He liked to be able to take his time, pleasure me first, maybe pause to pleasure me again in the midst of the process, and he was vocal and expressive and oh so loving. Just very very loving. Naughty and intense and sexual but so very tender and sweet. His lovemaking offers high high doses of the "love" part.
None of the pictures on her blog reminded me of us making love. Only this picture of tender kissing did. I actually have a video of our last night together where he filmed us kissing, twice. And one of them looks just like this. He held me close as my hands stroked his face while our eyes were closed and our lips were locked. I made myself watch it today. I have not watched our kissing videos in a while. I am sure you can imagine why it's hard for me. Yet I need to feel him again. I love him so much. It reminds me just how strong our love is together.
And it is a strong reminder to me of how much he loves me. Of how loving he was, and he strongly he cared for me. If James did not have time to make love to me properly with extensive pillow talk and cuddling then he'd rather skip it and just cuddle. He did not like quickies and skipped out one night on "doing it" because we didn't have enough time to cuddle and he didn't want to be close then leave right away. I remember... we'd spent the evening with me reading his tarot cards and a bunch of time passed. Then we were making out and he was as hard as a rock but was like, "No... we don't have enough time for pillow talk and cuddling and I don't want a quickie with you." He actually skipped out on getting his just because we didn't have enough time to lay there naked and close afterwards. Ha, I kissed him again and felt him between us and I wanted him SO badly that I had to give him a little push out my front door while telling him I was about ready to tackle him so he had to go to remain safe from my attack. He text me when he got home, "Oh I'm so sorry. You wanted me and I should have just given it to you." But no- I appreciate the thought in wanting it to be close and intimate and special. The cuddling. The tenderness.
These are the reasons why I love James so much. He was very concerned with my feelings and protecting me. Protecting me. Caring for me.
I do just love him so. He deserves my love. He deserves for me to always remember who he truly is.
Jennifer
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