Harvest Moon

When we dated he took me outside on the September full moon so we could look at it together.  He was kissing me and paused to look outside.  Said it was the full moon and he wanted to go out and look at it with me.  He was all smiles and he pulled me up saying, "Come on.  I want to look at the moon with you."  I specifically remember standing under my huge tree with him holding my hand and he kissed me.  He said he had enjoyed the month we'd spent together and he hoped we'd spend many more moons together.  He said he wondered if my neighbors were watching him kiss me.  He smiled more at that idea.

I was writing today.  It is hard to write past the fear of what's happened here recently.  But I was really trying.  I was telling him that I know the real him {because those last emails were again fear not love, totally not the loving man I knew} and I know that he "still loves me." Right as I was writing those words, "You still love me," these lyrics started playing.  It was the line "Because I am still in love with you." 

The Harvest moon is the September full moon.

"Harvest Moon"

Come a little bit closer
Hear what I have to say
Just like children sleepin'
We could dream this night away.

But there's a full moon risin'
Let's go dancin' in the light
We know where the music's playin'
Let's go out and feel the night.

Because I'm still in love with you
I want to see you dance again
Because I'm still in love with you
On this harvest moon.

When we were strangers
I watched you from afar
When we were lovers
I loved you with all my heart.

But now it's gettin' late
And the moon is climbin' high
I want to celebrate
See it shinin' in your eye.

Because I'm still in love with you
I want to see you dance again
Because I'm still in love with you
On this harvest moon.

Great Video on Emotional Healing

This is an amazing video explaining about how our twin souls trigger us.  Yes this union is soooo much more than "romantic love" and relationship.  It's also about divine healing.  Her video explains how and why they trigger us, and she very specifically says we are NOT to "project" back at them.  This is why I've defended my stance all along that I not react when he triggers me.  I have usually always been able to not react in 3D, not respond with negative words, etc.  But on the inside I still react, and of course this is all of Spirit so he knows anyway even if I don't react on the surface or through email, etc. 

I still think the triggering is mirroring.  So the more fear and doubt I have the harder I get this shown back at me through his reflecting it to me.  When I can shift that energy over to love and belief then eventually that will be shown to me instead.  That is my thinking on this.

I am really REALLY trying to understand that this separation is necessary while I heal further and believe even more in our love.  Trusting and having faith.

Just thought I'd share.

Jennifer

To My Leo Love

It's my love's birthday today.  I am only saying happy birthday here, not in 3D.  I've already pushed my luck with Spirit enough- I'm trying to believe in my energy instead of insisting on doing it "my way."  But it his birthday today and I have to say- I crave to return to a time where I can just call him and say, "Happy birthday."  Or shoot a quick text.  Or take him out for dinner and then kiss his face off for hours afterwards.  I really miss him. He once laughed and said our parents were having hot turkey sex on Thanksgiving when they conceived us... always a joyful one.

I hope his birthday is wonderful  I want my love to be happy.

Jennifer

My Heart

I am struggling a bit because as I look back at the last two years I see how my twin soul tried over and over to show me his love and get me to believe in it.  I could sit here and list out all the instances but I won't.  I can tell you he'd pop through and say things that kind of scared me but now I look back and see how he was honestly telling me, "I don't want to talk politics and religion and science with you- I want to come home, sweep you up, get you naked and feel your naked skin against my naked skin while we kiss and cuddle and be close and make love for hours.  Then we can lay together and talk.  After we've reconnected like we are meant to for hours and hours."

I think all along I was being told to just remember the LOVE.  It was very intimate between us.  The times when we were physically together all we did was kiss and touch and could not bear to be separated.  We had to be CLOSE, like right on top of each other kissing and entwined and all wrapped up in each other.  Constant kissing.  Noses nuzzling, close up smiles.  He smiled into my eyes all the time.  Those gorgeous blue eyes.  I miss him so much, oh my God I miss him so so much. I don't know what I am going to do.  I feel like I am losing my mind because the level of love I have for him, and how much I miss him and dream of having him in my arms again, is nearly intolerable.  I am far beyond being able to "let go" or shift my focus or any of those teachings.  Does not work for me.  That is not my journey.

I think James and I are meant to just be close.  Seriously we are meant to be in bed cuddled, often. We are meant to be intimate.  He LOVES being all close and cuddle and loving.  We'd connected on the phone then afterwards discuss our little fantasies and desires and he'd say, "Why did we waste so much time discussing religion before?  This is so much more fun," and I get it.  I understand.  It was never meant to be all that between us.  We are meant to be two ooey gooey balls of love.  He always told me we'd make love every day without fail.  I just think we are meant to be very passionate and intense and physical together, close and warm and loving.  Throughout this journey I kept falling back on his Atheism and politics and trying to draw him near by sending him some stupid link or some article when really all I was meant to do was concentrate on our love.  The rest is not important, not in the end.  In the end our love is important.  *I* am the one who made a big deal over the rest when all he wanted to do was love me.  He even told me that last year during a really strange exchange.  He said, almost frustrated, "You just don't get it.  All I want to do is come back and love you."  Yet I am telling you something inside of me just would not allow that to happen.  I blocked it. I feared it.  I disbelieved it.  I questioned it... and the more I did that the more quiet and cold he'd have to be.

I SOOOOOOO so so so miss my Love's sweet warm loving nature.  He truly is this big walking ball of love energy like I am.  And I miss him so much.  Just so much.  I am so sad that due to my own doubt and fear energy I've kept that warmth away from me.  That he's had to hold it back and not be his truth to me.  I do not  know what tomorrow holds.  I do not know when I might see him or hear from him again but I can tell you that I KNOW the man who met me and asked to hold my hand on our first date is truth, and I miss that love, that sweet sweet love, so much.  So much so that there is no moving on for me.  It is impossible.

Ache.  I ache.  I cannot say much more than that.  My birthday was not easy.  Today is his birthday and it is not easy.  I want this man back in my arms, in my bed, in my life as my close intimate adoring spouse and life-partner more than I've ever wanted anything in my life.  More than exchanging texts or emails.  More than discussing shit.  I want him back in my arms.  I want a life with him.  I dream of making a baby with him.  Close and connected and yes, lots and lots of good lovemaking like we shared when he was together.  Those are my dreams.  Always holding hands.  Locking gazes where my expression tells him I want him naked,  That's how I feel about him, and it is far far beyond "romance."  It is like we are the same person separated into two different bodies and only when those two bodies are physically together do we feel like one single complete unit again.  Like only when we are naked and touching, looking into each others eyes, are we close enough.  Intimate.  Touching, always touching.  I CRAVE to touch my love's skin and to be touched by him.  I know he wants to touch me and kiss me and hug me and love me.  And quite honestly- that's ALL I can concentrate on right now.  I am no good for guidance.  I've explained all I can in order to try to help others.  I've explained what happened to us when I did not believe in his adoring love.  I've explained the coming and going between us.  I've explained when I run what happens, and I told my truth about what happened recently when I reached out to another man.  I've told it all in order to help other people know what direction to try and follow, and what pitfalls to avoid.  But now this is pretty much all about me and my heart.  And my heart... is so not complete without being with my love.

I am totally out of my mind right now.  It is a singular solitary inner journey because I cannot really share my feelings because 99% of people would tell me I am obsessed or too attached.  When really all I am in in love with the best man in the universe and my heart and soul are crying out for him.  I miss him so much.  I love him so much.

Happy birthday to my sweetheart.  You already know how I feel about you.  I miss you and my heart is with you.  I hope you have a good day.  I wish I was spending the day with you all wrapped up kissing and hugging and sharing our love, showing you how much you mean to me.  I love you.

"Questions of science, science and progress, do not speak as loud as my heart."

I know his love for me is stronger than anything else between us.

Jennifer

My Truth

No this is not a blog post to defend my truth, well not really.  I was hoping to kind of explain something.  I realize I can be very adamant in how I explain my stance on twin souls.  I don't meant to come off as "defensive" but only to stress my truth.

At the same time I need to remember that I only really know MY situation.  I would think that all of our situations are tailored to our individual needs and healing so each one will be different.  Maybe in the end there is some "divine template" that is followed, and I say this because some of you message me in private and tell me things that sound exactly like my twin.  And I do mean exactly to where it cannot be a coincidence.  It has to be some type of template that is being followed from "above."

Still- I should not write here and insist that what I am saying is 100% applicable in every situation. I'll tell you why I get so adamant: because I know how bad it hurts when I doubt my twin soul.  And I want to save you that pain.  So I preach about making sure we think of them as perfect, and that what we think and feel is what they will show us so make sure to think and feel only goodness and love. I don't say that because I am a Pollyanna and I pathetically place my twin soul on a pedestal.  I say it because I have been shown first-hand that if I were to think something like, "I'll bet he does not respond to me because he feels guilty," then the next thing I know he will be writing to me saying something like, "Sorry I have not responded.  I just feel really badly for..." and then some ridiculous bullshit will be written, something outlandish and so obviously not real that I have to try and look past it even if it scares the shit out of me.  Whatever I think about him- he shows me.  I know in my heart from the time I spent with him that he's quite normal and good and solid and healed and whole and loving and kind and super duper amazing in all ways.  And so am I... but I am the one, not him, who had fears to contend with, fears he is meant to help me heal by making sure I experience them as if they were real so I can SEE them and face them.  Why?  Because to ascend and awaken we cannot stay mired in the mud and the muck of all of our fears.  We have to shake them off, get rid of them, so we can move up higher.

Because I have seen this dynamic, the mirroring, SO strongly in my union I tend to push it pretty hard on my blog.  I apologize if this has rubbed some of you the wrong way.  I only know what I know and I only push because I want to try and help some of you avoid getting hit hard with your own thoughts, beliefs, worries, doubts, etc.  I believe in the mirroring, and I do believe it is a two-way street.  But I also know that all I show my twin soul is love.  When I contact him in the 3D it is always only words of love and affection because I could never ever send him anything less.  It would kill me to do so.  The love I have for him is so pure and strong and real that is must be from my soul because I have no desire to say anything to him besides I love him and he's amazing.  Yes I get scared by what he shows me.  Listen- my fears suck ass at times.  I do not like my fears.  I do not like seeing my fears.  I do not like reading my fears via email.  I do not like calling a psychic and immediately having my fears be channeled to me.  My fears do not feel good.  Yet I see them for what they are and I blame no one for showing them to me, for being my mirror.  So I love James at all times and I never have any urge to react in 3D to what he shows me.  On the inside I have to deal with my fear. But that's my thing.  It's so obvious to me though that I don't need to react to him.  There is no "defending" myself- that would just be me saying I believe all the fears, and that is NOT good because it energizes that which is not REAL.  It energizes fears and lies instead of love and truth.  This is why I do not react, do not "defend" myself when I am being mirrored.  None of it is real.

What I ask myself is- what would it be like if my twin soul DID have some type of fear issues to deal with?  Would I then be reacting in some other way to show him the stuff he needs to heal?  Being mirrors for each other?  I don't really know since that is not my experience.  I've talked to a handful of people now who clearly see where they seem to be the only one being shown their fears through the other person, like one person {normally the woman} is the creator and the other person {normally the man} is the creation of whatever the creator is thinking, feeling, believing, intending, dreaming, hoping, etc.  I understand it seems to defy our laws of free will but oh well- I think it has something to so with the soul contract that is made between the two people.  Like free will is actually decided on a soul level, not on a human level.  The soul in 5D, behind the veil, uses its free will to choose the "plan" and then the human on earth is guided, sometimes heavily, to follow that plan- not according to a human free will but by following divine will.  Higher will, and I know this is a concept many people won't agree with because we all want to feel free to make our own choices and do what we want in life.  

But again, I just wanted to say I understand we all have our separate unique experiences.  It is NEVER ever my intention to say that for all of us what I say is "right."  I can only say that for ME it is my truth in my union.  I can't say that for anyone else.  If my truth seems to fit your situation then great.  These unions do seem to follow that "divine template" or plan where the specifics are different from couple to couple yet the process follows a pattern.  So it seems.  Staying in belief, not listening to fear and ego, loving ourselves and our divine counterparts, trusting the process, having faith in the Divine- these all seem to be universal truths when it comes down to it.

Live long and prosper,

Jennifer

My Blog

I really love this picture and considering that my birthday is tomorrow and my love's is the next day and we are both Leos I find it appropriate.  So here it is.

I have some random thoughts I want to get out.  First is a reminder as to why I have the blog.  For one reason it helps me process my thoughts but I also have my personal journals for that.  Most importantly I keep the blog because I feel I am meant to, like it's part of my soul role.  My channeling stopped in October of last year.  Up till that point I could pick up my pendulum and immediately it very quickly and strongly spelled exact messages out to me.  Then one day it just stopped moving. Or it would spin in tiny circles to let me know the energy is there but I no longer get messages.  A really cute thing, though, is my son likes for me to hold it and he will say, "Jesus please make a circle" and it will spin in a circle.  Then he will say, "Jesus please go back and forth" and then it will stop and go back and forth, and so on and so forth.  And after all this time I still get tickled by that!  I find it awesome.

But the messages stopped a while ago.  I knew what I needed to know, and I felt I was supposed to share it so I have.  When James first went quiet I did think I might die.  Anyone who has been through a separation through soul like the one I went through knows what I mean.  It is not of this earth and not many people can understand it.  YOU just know something about it is not normal while everyone else around you is saying, "Oh just let him go.  He probably found someone else," or whatever thing they might say.  All while you feel like you are losing your mind.  I remember how that felt right at first until my guidance began very specifically explaining to me this process, and I saw it in action.

You'd think I'd be through it already but alas my fears have been strong ones to overcome.  That is why I am still separated.  Fear and damn doubt.  But oh well.  I am working on it.  The thing is I KNOW this stuff because it was taught to me.  Just because I have a hard time erasing my fears does not mean I don't understand and clearly see what is happening to me through James.

So I started the blog in order to help other people who do not get their guidance as clearly as I was for a while.  I felt like if I was one who was chosen to be spoken to directly like I was- it was for a reason more than just to help me.  Why should I be so lucky and then keep the info all to myself?  I decided I needed to share what I was told in case it could help even one person find even the tiniest bit of relief. Then I started sharing my experience too, and it grew into what it is today.  Progress updates, lol.  I don't know why me.  Maybe because I like to write and seem to be able to express myself well through the written word?  I'm not sure.

But again I wanted to reiterate why I've kept the blog.  I don't do it because I think my experience is so special.  It is not.  There are others going through very similar experiences.  I know because you write to me and explain to to me.  It helps me realize I am not alone. It helps me remember that this IS of the Divine.

It keeps me reassured that no I was not just jilted by the man I love.  We all have nagging dogged annoyingly strong fears, and it helps to know those fears are not real and this really is a divine process that other people are also experiencing.  There really is strength in numbers!

I like to think of us like a tribe of sorts.  Love Warriors.  And we need to stick together and find a place of love and light together.  There is a lot of arguing amongst the twin soul community right now.  I try to stay out of all that nonsense.  I know there are people out there who do not agree with my thinking or who adamantly do not believe in what I am going through or my take on the situation with James, and that is fine.  I can totally understand why it is so hard to believe. It sounds unreal.  I get it.  But still I share it because it is my truth.

Lastly one thing I have learned through all of this is when you have divine guidance you really should follow it.  There is that saying to "Test the spirits" and I suppose you must always know that messages you are getting are of Love and Light.  Mine has always been Light.  And I feel it has been the same energy all along teaching me starting with baby steps and leading up to a twin soul union. I'm pretty sure it is what is known as "Higher Self" or "Higher Will" or maybe even "soul."  I've had people try and tell me that I should not listen so closely to my guidance or that I should think for myself and what those people do not understand is when your soul begins speaking to you clearly- it expects you to listen.  Honest it does.  When you reach the level of soul progression where your soul has a clear plan for you and is trying to get you to follow that plan... it would behoove you to just follow that plan.  REALLY.  Really.  This is why we have divine guidance- to show us the way that is best for us, what our souls have planned for us.  And despite what we might want at the ego level, soul's plan is what is meant to be followed.  So I do my best to listen to my guidance.  I do not always listen, and lately {the more I progress in all this} when I do not listen- it hurts.  When I do not listen to my soul the result is not fun because normally the result is something fear-related and I do not like experiencing my own fears like they are real.

Something that might be difficult to understand, it is still blowing my mind, is that my doubts are turning into real things.  Like my guidance always told me to TRUST James and never doubt him. When I get a wild hair up my ass to do things like google him it is all based on doubt.  We don't go seeking information on a person unless we are suspicious of them or the situation.  Being suspicious of your twin soul and acting on those suspicions by researching them does not normally end pretty. Lately what happens to me is if I go looking for whatever- I WILL find something to push my buttons.  Spirit will ensure I find something I don't like.  Often it's not something I can point my finger directly to and say, "OMG this is horrible!"  It's more vague than that- but it's enough to plant more doubt and more fear in me, and it's totally on purpose.  So please don't go searching around about your twin.  You will find what you are looking for, believe me you will.  It honestly is freaky enough that it could make a weaker person go insane, the strangeness of it all.  And it is all because we need to LISTEN to what we are being told.  TRUST.  Believe.  Don't doubt.  Have faith.

I've been taught well from above.  I still have my own personal fears and healing to contend with though.  Just because I've been taught well, just because I know the info and the process, does not mean my shit is erased and BAM I'm all good.  This is why I am still going through it.  Because I've had some really big fears and doubts to deal with, and my fears and ego can be strong and stubborn. I can be a hard nut to crack.  When fear creeps in I want to do weak things like 1) call psychics 2) google search my twin soul 3) join online dating or something that equates to total running 4) let my thoughts spiral out of control until I am mother fucking God, Higher Self, Yoda and my twin soul all at the same time.  All of those can get me either continued silence or maybe even a nice strong mirroring message from my twin.  All so I can see my fears and doubts in order to face them and overcome.  I keep this blog in the hopes it can help some of you calm your fears a bit to know we are all in this together, you are not alone, and yes IT IS REAL.  You are not nuts, and no this person did not just dump you out in the cold.  Instead it is a divine process of healing and growth.

You are loved.

Tschus,

Jennifer

  

What Does It Mean To Be Allowing? - Teal Swan {Achieving Destiny}

This is a good video.  Her explanation about resistance makes a lot of sense to me.

I think a few idea are coming to me about this twin soul union.  They are things my guidance told me last year but I didn't really get it.  Maybe I don't fully "get it" yet but I have a better idea and I know more why I keep having these terrifying experiences with my twin soul.

Before I begin I will say that I understand in this video Teal says that the more balls we throw at the universe the more chances we have to make an outcome come to fruition.  I can see where when it comes to the twin soul union having a singular-focus on ONE person and one person only does not seem like keeping any other options open but when it comes to twin souls I feel that some spiritual learning must be tailored to the experience.  She talks about taking "inspired action" in order to create and allow.  "Pure positive focus" and "taking inspired action."  NOT "surrender" where we sit and do very little and think the universe will bring about our destinies.  I don't believe that at all.

I realize something in my union and I want to explain it here.  Let me see if I can express this the right way, and in an objective manner.

My guidance always told me that I have to support and defend my destiny.  I was told James is my happy destiny, that a future with him is my path but that I must defend that destiny.  I can't sit here and ignore it and expect it to happen, and I cannot be in resistance of it and expect it to happen.  I was told to defend my destiny with him by believing in him, believing in truth.  I was told to defend my destiny by thinking of our good times and staying out of FEAR.  I was told to not believe any of the nonsensical mirroring or fear but to concentrate only on love and truth, and to trust him.  To concentrate on LOVING him, and that energy would defend my destiny.

So what does this mean?  It means that when I would somehow happen to land on feeling good for a moment, write some type of loving goodness that really stirred my soul and felt like truth in my heart, James would pop through- immediately.  He'd reach out, like magic, and we'd connect and laugh and talk and he'd be his old loving kind warm gentle adorable self.  He'd not want to hang up the phone.  He'd chuckle and say, 'Come on... let's talk about when we are married."  And we would.  I was scared.  I didn't understand at all!!!  I could not grasp what was happening.  I was scared he was messing with my head {3D fears} yet my heart knew he was reaching out in response to my ENERGY, and how is that messing with my head when it is of another realm?  But we'd talk and he would DEFEND OUR FUTURE TOGETHER.  This is key- I'd fall into love and truth and he'd reach out and suddenly want to discuss our future together.

And then what would happen?  We'd hang up and I'd freak out inside.  I'd try to hang on to the goodness and faith and maybe he'd stick around for a few days or so, say hello, email me here and there.  But I'd get allllll nervous and scared and I'd freak out thinking all these terrible things and *poof* he'd slip away again.  And now I think I better understand why.

Because when I fall into fear and disbelief I am being resistant to my destiny and he has to show me this.  So what happens is he becomes the opposite of truth, opposite of wanting to nurture our time together, opposite of knowing me more and growing closer etc. etc.  He goes quiet and when I really am afraid of him he then shifts into coldness, all his genuine warmth and loving nature disappears.  And it is all because I am not defending our destiny through belief.

I've seen this over and over in our union, and it gets worse and worse the more I stay in fear.  The more I do not do what Teal says here, practice pure positive focus and inspired action {writing belief and only belief} the more James slips away from me.  And the worst is the more resistant I am to our shared destiny the more he "changes" and won't come back to me the way he was.  He does not shift easily back into that warm loving man.  He stays cold and sarcastic which is the OPPOSITE of his true nature.

I hope this makes sense to a few of you so it can help you avoid some suffering.  When I do not defend my destiny by believing in my twin soul's goodness and true loving nature then he becomes my "nemesis."  He shifts into the opposite of empathetic which is aloof, uncaring, cutting, etc.  And it sucks really really bad, and it is all a reflection of my non-belief.

AND, this is the major important part, when I am resistant to our destiny he refuses to support it either.  He actually denies our destiny together when I don't support it, like look what happened here when I turned to another man and totally denied supporting our destiny?  I am not surprised by his response at all.  I've often wondered why he shifts into saying, "We can never be together, like ever," when we so COULD.  We could.  The miles mean nothing.  Only our love is important but, ha, I have to BELIEVE in that love to make it so.

You all have no idea the journey I have had.  If you only knew the all of it.  One day I will write a book.

So I see it.  Challenge is believing it fully and putting it into practice.  When I am in belief and love and I am not scared then I am being supportive of our destiny and he is loving, kind, warm and says that yes we can be together, yes he loves me, yes he wants a future with me.  But when I do not maintain that energy, when I fall into fear, it all comes crashing down.  He shifts out of being loving and acts the opposite.  He blatantly denies us ever being able to be together... and it's driven me nearly out of my mind trying to figure out exactly WTF is going on because I know this guy loves me.

I know he is my destiny but I also know why now he would say, "I'm afraid I'll never see your beautiful eyes again," or "I'm afraid I might lose you."  Because he clearly knows if I cannot defend our destiny by believing in him and our love then we will never come together in this lifetime and he WANTS to come together with me.  He loves me dearly.   I believe that.  I SAW that.  I lived it with him.  His love is extraordinary.  But I also believe that if I doubt this to death then it will not happen in this lifetime, and what a tragedy it would be to take a love so pure and doubt it to death, for it not to come to physical reality simply due to me not being able to believe in love.

So what to do?  Focus on love.  Eradicate fear, doubt, worry, etc.  Think only positive loving thoughts.  Have total belief and this means block out any naysayers or those people who are intent in believing only in 3D "give and take" and "he said she said."  None of that works in these unions. PROTECT YOUR ENERGY.  I call myself a twin soul because my guidance says he is my "soul twin" and we have all the signs.  I do think we are "true" twin souls- believe me I think I have earned the right to make that claim based on all of the mirroring I've experienced.  I am not saying "I am a twin soul" based on some *ha ha ha* highly romanticized idea of the label.  I've been down in the trenches and I am pretty darn sure he is my same soul energy, my universal mate, my full spiritual mirror and I know that he can only be TRUTH to me which is loving and gentle and nurturing and kind and so so so James when I defend our destiny by having full belief in him and his love for me.  So I must find a way to get to that place no matter what it takes.

Cheers,

Jennifer

Perfect Song...

A dear friend of mine saw Jesus Christ Super Star last night and after listening to this song a few times she said it made her think of me with James.  And yes, she is right.  It is the perfect song for how I feel about him, from when we met until now.

"He scares me so.  I want him so.  I love him so."

Maybe that is what happens when someone like me meets unconditional love face to face.

And then there is this one too.  Perfect for how I feel about him. 

Light

I know after my last blog post some of you, many of you, will think I am strange or in denial to go forward in belief.  And that's okay- that is your choice.  I am going forward in hope and love and with as much belief as I can muster.  I guess you'd have to walk in my shoes to understand alllllllll the strange "mirroring" I've experienced through my twin soul and to see how he truly is a direct reflection of what I am thinking and feeling.

In the recent past James has asked me flat out if I am dating.  It's not always warm and fuzzy because he can't be warm and fuzzy when I am in fear or doubt.  But still the point being made to me that I am not meant to date, and he does not want me to date.  I don't share everything on my blog.  Some things I hold back, and he's asked me things like, "So tell me again whether or not you've dated.  I like it when you are honest."  And that alone shows me that he does NOT want me dating, even if he can't come right out and say it.  Yet I forgot that here recently.  I forgot to think about his feelings and only thought about mine.  And I am so not happy with myself about it.  I did go out and meet a man a few months ago, AFTER James wrote that to me about, "Tell me again if you've dated..." I knew better.  Luckily it was just coffee and a walk but still- this is all about intention.

I should not have met that man for a date when I am so in love with and working to reunite with my twin soul.  Bottom line.  *I* see it and that's all that matters to me.  I KNOW James loves me with all of his heart and all he wants is me.  I am here now having to wonder what is truth?  Try to understand what happens in my union: when I do not believe truth I am then given LIES.  Do you understand?  So if I begin to worry about him and his intentions, if I start to question the person he is or his goodness, if I do not believe TRUTH then he will send me lies and I have to fret and worry and DIE inside trying to overlook the lies.  And I am the one who creates them in the first place!

And when it is going to happen that I push it too far with my doubts that I can find so hard to shake?  I don't even want to think about it.  All I know is three and a half months ago my love was writing to me telling me he wanted to see me again and hoped to be intimate with ME.  I do not believe all of this changed in three and a half months although if it did- then *I* created that change.  I do know that James would not ask to see me had he been in a relationship.  And I don't think he's in one now either but instead he is having to reflect back to me how it would feel to think of him being with someone other than me, and quite frankly the thought of losing the best thing that has ever happened to me kills my heart.  I have to survive.  I have a son to take care of.  I can't take myself off the planet due to my responsibilities but I can tell you my heart would never survive.  Never. Especially knowing that all along this man has wanted to come back to me and I have kept him away.  I know I have.

I am a strong woman and soul.  I've faced down a lot of fear already.  I have stuck it out when most others would have run off by now.  At least one of you out there haunts me with this idea that I am nuts or in denial or weak for holding on like I am- but I am following my soul instead of any 3D conventions.  The twin soul union is not for the weak and it is a unique intense strong soul connection.  The only reason why I have stayed this long is because I do believe in God.  I believe this union is of God, and also because I remember the little cute sweet adorable man I dated and I know that man is REAL.  He is truth.  I think that right there, the truth of James when he was in my life blessing me with his amazing love, is the ONE reason I have stuck this out and tried my damndest to look past the fear.  And I can't see myself giving up this fight {not fighting for love but fighting my fears so I don't kill my love} over something that I 1) created myself and 2) could easily be illusion since I know how it works with us.  He gives me illusion all the time.

As my real-life life-long best friend said it this morning, "He is just doing his job for you."  She understands why I would never be mad at him, and she tells me not to give up even though the road is dark.  She feels he's just jangling my chain like he is supposed to and there is no way in this short of an amount of time he's met someone and become engaged.  Thank GOD for my soul sister Beverly.  Thank God for her.  She also understands that James emailed me EVERY DREAM I'd recently wrote in my journal.  IN MY JOURNAL.  How can I attribute that to his ego instead of the divine?  I can't.  It is no accident.  I turned to another man and then the one I actually love showed me my dreams being crushed.  Not a good feeling but a total wake up call.

I love my twin soul with all of my heart.  I am one who can say I refuse to back down from this no matter how long it takes, and oh it's a challenge.  My aunt is upset with all this.  She hates my guidance.  She told me yesterday, "You will be 42 next week and I can see you with a family and a new baby..." and she wants me to move on.  To forget all this and find someone new so I can be happy.  I suppose I could do that.  I could take his words that I should go off and find someone new at face value and run off to the arms of another now.  I could tell myself that he no longer wants me, has replaced me and I need to move on.  But I don't think that's truth...

And I cannot do that.  James is my destiny, and he is meant to be the father of my next child.  As the creator of my reality I am going to suck it up and fight my fears and still continue to believe James loves me with all of his heart and wants me in his life.  Some of you might not understand that, and I respect your thoughts.  Twin souls are not "real life."  Nothing about this is real life.  Him reciting back to me the dreams I recently wrote in my journal, showing me that I am running from them, is not of this earth.  HE DID NOT KNOW IN 3D WHAT I'D WRITTEN.  He should not have been able to do that!  I know it is of the divine so I will have faith and move forward.  This *is* terrifying for me!  Don't think for one moment it isn't because it is.  Fuck me it is scary, and I am "just" me but methinks I am stronger than I realize.  I can do this.  I know there is light in the darkness and I will follow it.

Some of you write to me and remind me to love MYSELF.  Some of you tell me to take the focus off of him and put it on myself.  To love me as much as I love him.  Some of you tell me that I should not think about him or reunion and just concentrate on me and I get it.  Unconditional love for self is very important; this is not all about him.  I sooooo know this, and I am working on loving myself fully but try to understand- I can love myself oodles and oodles but it is not until I can fully believe that he loves me too, that I know I am worthy of him being so in love with me and that he wants me and that I KNOW fully he knows my goodness so much and loves it with no turning back, that's when I am going forward.  So it does come back to him, always.

And I have to trust my twin soul.  I have to never ever doubt his intentions.  I can never ever believe even for one moment that he could be this person he must present to me to show me myself.  I'll never believe this fearful reflection of myself that he shows me is him. Never. It is hurtful to him and disrespectful to be afraid of him just because he has to show me myself.

My son and I went out for Chinese food last night and we each got a fortune cookie.  Mine said something about "You will travel soon both for work and pleasure."  My son's said, "The object of your desire comes closer."  He's five so he asked me to read them to him.  And he said, "Hey mom can I have your message and you can have mine?"

And I said yes- yes you can.  I'd be happy to take his message. "The object of your desire comes closer."  Maybe, just maybe, if I don't cave to fear and I don't take his words at face value, if I can see past the fear and plow through, it will be a step in the right direction, a step closer.

I love this man more than life itself.  For me there is no other option.  Anyone else would pale in comparison to him.  He is my Light so I will fight my fears for myself and for him.  For anyone who may have forgotten while reading my blog: my guidance clearly told me that my mission is to love my twin soul, to trust and believe in him, through anything and everything he has to show me in order to help heal me of fear.  So I am just trying to be faithful to my mission as a twin soul.

I have to work diligently to de-create my fears and re-create the sweet man who is my truth.  So I will focus on that, in private.  He and I both are only LOVE and yes my goal, my intention, my dream is REUNION.  Reunion with the best thing that has ever happened to me besides my dear son.  Reunion with my heart.  Reunion with my dreams come true, with my Beloved soul friend and love, my One and Only True Love, my Prince.  MY GIFT FROM GOD.  He is my gift from a loving God.  He and I together as one on earth is my main priority in life right now, healing this and seeing his beautiful sweet smiling loving face again while being snuggled in his tender arms for eternity.
Call it crazy love if you want to.

XxOo

Jennifer

 

Don't Be Like Me... Don't Run

This is going to be short and to the point.

Don't try to date.  Don't think about dating.  Don't flirt.  Just don't do it.

Have faith.  Believe.  Trust.  If it is one thing I can do it is to stress this since when I don't do it I pay the price for it.  If anything maybe you can avoid it by me telling you- if you doubt and worry and run off it will come back at you.  And I don't want that to happen to you.

I can't write the blog anymore because I'm finding it hard to follow my own guidance.  Please don't think the guidance is wrong.  I don't think it is, at all.  I am just having a hard time getting out of fear, and now it's gotten so huge I don't know what to do.  I don't know how to get out of it.  I have to admit I am scared.  I love him dearly, always will.

Pray for me please.

Thanks,

Jennifer

Going Inner

My friends who read my blog I have to say goodbye for now.  I can't really explain why.  I just need a break to go inner and face some things and hope, pray and wish for the best with myself and my twin soul.

My parting advice for you is to believe what I have written here and let it help you.  Try not to doubt.  Believe in them, believe the best in them.  Believe the best in yourself.  Have faith and trust no matter what you are shown, told, etc.  Much of this is beyond what can be seen or heard or understood in the life we are living right now.  I know it can be hard and dark but I do believe in the end there is light at the end of the tunnel, gold at the end of the rainbow and that we are meant to be with our twin souls, even if it is not an easy road.

I love you all and wish you the best now and in the future.  I wish you all happiness and love, and I hope we are all reunited with our loves soon.

Well there is one more thing I feel I need to say.  Something happened and I am not going to share it with you.  I can't do so.  Please just know I had my doubt given back to me harder than ever.  I don't believe what was told to me but now I have to face this down as well and hope and pray for the best in a world that... is just no longer even real to me.  Reality ceases to exist for me as of this moment.  My life is SO being lead by the divine and really guys I so want to be happy.  I so want to quit pushing things.  I miss him and I love him so much.  The only thing I can do is tell any of you reading this to please PLEASE just believe in yourself and them.  Believe in this process.  Believe in the love they have for you.  Don't doubt and doubt and doubt until you bring the union to its knees.    My parting words for you are please believe.  Believe this is all of the divine and THEY are of the divine.  Honestly they are.  Please please believe. 

Believe.

XoOo

Jennifer

Remembering Love

I want to write a words about our kisses and our love even though it's highly personal.  There is another twin soul who blogs about her twin but it's a much different description.  Her blog is beautiful and raw and highly sexual; I can't stay there very long due to the, er, "heated" nature of her photos and videos.  When a highly sexual being like myself chooses celibacy for nearly two years... let's just say I normally keep my thoughts pretty squeaky clean.  When I do fantasize it's always about James. 

Her blog, as I said, is highly passionate and sexual and it made me realize something.  James and I, our lovemaking was sweet.  Just like our kisses.  He and I are so much alike it's really interesting.  I see it even more now but when we made love it was... simple but fun and really genuine.  It was very good, lol.  I don't speak much about our personal intimacy because some things maybe need to stay private but one thing about James is he was intent on pleasuring me.  You know what I mean by "pleasuring me."

My first husband told me I had a "dirty cunt."  Or it may have been a nasty cunt.  I don't really remember now which one it was.  I only know he would not perform oral sex on me.  When he tried  he would gag, he naturally had a terrible gag response, and he told me that bit about me being nasty which is and was not true but I guess you could say it messed with my head.

Then my second husband didn't like it either, at all.  We didn't have sex often even though I loved him and craved him.  He didn't really want me for some reason and now he tells me it had nothing to do with me and all to do with him which is fine.  We are past that and are friends now.  Him performing oral sex on me was not a part of our sex life.  I did it for him and he of course enjoyed it and because I am a natural "giver" of all things affectionate I actually liked making him feel good.  I got used to this idea that my body, especially "down there," was not good.  I didn't realize how terrified I was at the thought of a man going down on me after all that.

When James and I started talking he told me he enjoyed giving oral sex.  And I remember feeling a little apprehensive.  I'd actually had a few lovers after my divorce try and I could not relax.  It made me want to cry out of anxiety and worry.  James, he loves my legs and my thighs.  Like LOVES them and he kept telling me once it came to "that point" that I'd have to beat him off with sticks.  Or call the fire and police department to get his head out from between my thighs, lol.  He's funny. 

And he was not kidding.  He INSISTED on making sure to pleasure me "down there" and he would not take no for an answer.  He acted like it was one of his favorite places to be, and he told me... well- he let me know he liked what he was doing and wanted to do it EVERY NIGHT FOREVER.  He said he loved the way I taste.  And to someone who was one told she has a "nasty cunt" you can see the opposition.  And the relief.  And the healing.

Our lovemaking was sweet.  I can't say it was like the most hard core porn-worthy perfect sex the world has ever seen.  And I am glad.  It was open and passionate and so so so honest, true, real and vulnerable lovemaking.  It was beautiful, perfect to ME. 

But as I look through my friend's blog and I see all these photos and gifs of men and women making really hardcore love I saw the gif of these two kissing and that is the one that reminded me most of me and James, the one above.  That tender kissing.  And it occurred to me that our love was very very sweet like he is and like I am.  We were not together long enough to really "experiment" although we talked about our fantasies the few times we connected during this strange separation.  He always wanted to talk about being intimate together.  Not fucking but intimate.  It was never fucking with James.  Only lovemaking. 

I have one absolutely perfect memory of him, and it's a, you know, sexy memory.  It can sometimes be hard to let my mind go here.  They are beautiful memories of beautiful moments but I do miss him.  Yet I am reminded of just how much he does love me.  We'd made love and were having what he likes to call "pillow talk" and James LOVES pillow talk.  He loves to lay back and cuddle and nuzzle noses and touch gently while talking, all his little smiles and kisses.  So sweet.  After some time of laying there holding me he smiled and there were some kisses and some touches and he eased above me and began making love to me again.  It was the one time we made love twice in one night.  And I remember looking up at him, into his beautiful blue eyes and he was no longer smiling.  His expression was serious.  Intense.  His gaze was deeply intense and he kind of shook his head as he moved inside of me as if to say, "I can't believe you are even real," and he whispered, "You are amazing."

He liked to make love to me hard, like he really had to take all of me.  Still though it was sweet.  Very close and intimate and intense.  He liked to be able to take his time, pleasure me first, maybe pause to pleasure me again in the midst of the process, and he was vocal and expressive and oh so loving.  Just very very loving.  Naughty and intense and sexual but so very tender and sweet.  His lovemaking offers high high doses of the "love" part. 

None of the pictures on her blog reminded me of us making love.  Only this picture of tender kissing did.  I actually have a video of our last night together where he filmed us kissing, twice.  And one of them looks just like this.  He held me close as my hands stroked his face while our eyes were closed and our lips were locked.  I made myself watch it today.  I have not watched our kissing videos in a while.  I am sure you can imagine why it's hard for me.  Yet I need to feel him again.  I love him so much.  It reminds me just how strong our love is together.

And it is a strong reminder to me of how much he loves me.  Of how loving he was, and he strongly he cared for me.  If James did not have time to make love to me properly with extensive pillow talk and cuddling then he'd rather skip it and just cuddle.  He did not like quickies and skipped out one night on "doing it" because we didn't have enough time to cuddle and he didn't want to be close then leave right away.  I remember... we'd spent the evening with me reading his tarot cards and a bunch of time passed.  Then we were making out and he was as hard as a rock but was like, "No... we don't have enough time for pillow talk and cuddling and I don't want a quickie with you."  He actually skipped out on getting his just because we didn't have enough time to lay there naked and close afterwards.  Ha, I kissed him again and felt him between us and I wanted him SO badly that I had to give him a little push out my front door while telling him I was about ready to tackle him so he had to go to remain safe from my attack.  He text me when he got home, "Oh I'm so sorry.  You wanted me and I should have just given it to you."  But no- I appreciate the thought in wanting it to be close and intimate and special.  The cuddling.  The tenderness.

These are the reasons why I love James so much.  He was very concerned with my feelings and protecting me.  Protecting me.  Caring for me.

I do just love him so.  He deserves my love.  He deserves for me to always remember who he truly is.

Jennifer 

For Those Who Read My Blog: Hugs

I want to say thank you to all of you who read and/or comment on my blog.  It means SO much to me to read your kind words and even more to see that sharing my journey is helping not only me but you too.

I remember when I decided to start my blog.  I needed to get it out.  It's been such an extraordinary journey and YES it can be very hard to believe.  This is a huge challenge so affirmation is helpful.  I didn't realize then that others would find my words and it would help them hold on to their belief.  I am thankful for being able to help you "hold on."

When I read your comments to me it offers me encouragement and lets me know there ARE others out there experiencing the same thing.  This helps me too, just like it does you.  It's comforting to know this is a process we are going through as a group.  I like to think of us as Warriors of Love.

I've been writing this blog for over a year now.  I'll keep writing until I have nothing more to write about, and I don't see that ever happening.  I will always be honest with you, even if it hurts.  My main goal here is remain focused, confident and positive but if there are times when I falter {being human} I will share those times.  Sometimes I do feel like I should be "doing more" but then I remember that I keep this blog and write in it honestly and I am doing the best I can :)

Loving James so much is challenging through the silence.  I um, I ache really strongly right now.  My heart feels like it is going to beat right out of my chest. I PRAY with everything I have in me to hear from my love again.  I pray I can shift the energy to where he can contact me again.  I KNOW how it works.  I've experienced the "miracles" myself so I know they can and do happen, and I am asking God to help me create another miracle.  I need my Love back in my life, and truly I only want HIS love.  His.  And I do believe he wants me in his life too.  We are so meant to be together.

You all know me well- I am not one who thinks the healing is the only reason for the connection.  I know we are meant to reunite.  And I have fought so hard.  I still am.  I know we are each others futures, my love and me.

Keep your chins up my friends.  And thank you for your kind words.

Above is a hug for you.  Below is a hug for my twin soul.

XxOo

Jennifer

Triggering: Burning It Out

Lee's August Energy Forecast: Triggering & Going Inner

 
I love Lee Harris.  He's a spiritual teacher who really speaks to me.

When I came across James' Twitter feed the other day I knew I'd googled that name before and nothing came up.  It was like I was meant to find it now.  Maybe before I was not ready.

If you could have been in my body to feel my emotions when I found it... OMG.  That man, that soul, is the only human on the planet who can bring me to my knees in the blink of an eye.  It's so odd!!!  I normally feel pretty sure of myself but he brings up and out in me the deepest most primal issues hidden inside of me.

My God everything Lee talks about in this video is what I am experiencing.  I am proud to say that after the initial very negative emotions I experienced when seeing his feed I am calming down and seeing this experience for what it is: I am being triggered to clear shit out.  I KNEW it when I found it.  I KNOW it now.

And how lucky am I?  It's being shown to me in a "gentle" way.  These females he admires, which is bringing up issues about my own self-worth and how I view myself, are fantasy women.  I have no reason to be upset about it.  It's really silly for me to be upset but it's the triggering; I can't really help it.  Yet a merciful God is allowing the tweets to trigger these issues in me instead of anything more "real."  I have discomfort.  I am feeling some ego-based energies but I am aware of them.  I know why I am having them, where they are coming from, and I know I am being re-wired as Lee talks about here.

YES I am right in the heart of this.  I am working to not go into chaos reactions.  I did for like two days.  I was SO upset.  I cried and shook and felt so horrible.  I had to talk myself down and see the good in what I found...

75% of James' Twitter feed is angelic goodness.  Most of his tweets are about everything Awakening-based.  It's ALL goodness.  Like we are talking he's tweeting about pro-breast feeding, keeping women and kids out of poverty, kids having access to nutritious foods, speaking out against rape, supporting Planned Parenthood so all women of every walk of life has healthcare and reproductive care, etc. etc.  He's SUCH a girl, lol.  He loves humanity, and he loves the environment and earth and he adores animals and he is so passionate about his causes.  He is "green" loving and perfect.

I keep going back to the post he made about the old couple in bed holding hands.  I went back last night and read it again and he tweeted, "Very very precious."  His heart is so beautiful.

I am so happy that James is MY twin soul.  Mine.  Whether or not he is here in my arms right now... he is, at the very least, MY soul connection, my twin soul.  And I love him for that.  For the first time I can really see how this is supposed to push me to own my goodness, my beauty, my inner Light.  I *felt* it trigger me but I am happy that my awareness has grown to the point where instead of shooting off a really shitty text to him {and I contemplated it, knee-jerk reaction} I am able to go inner and see that I was meant to see those women and feel what I am feeling right now.  I can see my self-judgment, see that I am triggered, see that why I felt like attacking James when I saw it {ignoring all the goodness I saw there too} was because it made me feel bad about myself when it shouldn't.  

I am worthy.  I am always MORE.

I am being mindful.  I miss James.  I love him SO very much.  He is my very precious gem and yes his love is my gift and even though it has been scary and walking in the darkness can be overwhelming- I think I can finally see how this "process" is playing out.  How he is doing his "job."  I love how affectionate he is, and I am reminded of how loving he has been to me in the past.  I am reminded of how he admires me like he admires these gorgeous talented strong women and instead of finding myself lacking in comparison to them I am looking in the mirror and reminding myself, "He feels that you are as beautiful as these women that other people consider goddesses.  He feels you are similar to them, the same.  He worships your inner beauty and your outer shine."

Triggered, and I refuse to react how I would have in the past.  I refuse to act on my fear.  I am no longer letting my sneaky fears rule me.  I am seeing them, acknowledging them and working through them instead of acting on them

Thank God above for that fact, for my growth.  And thank my dear twin soul for being my mirror to helps how me these fears.  I could not see them fully without him.

I am ready to be that butterfly, ready for my wings.  And I am ready to know my love again.

I firmly believe that this man is guiding me, teaching me, showing me and helping to heal me.  No it has not been easy, and not easy to believe, but I see it.  And I love him and this is why I defend him so.  This is why I put him on a pedestal and why he deserves to be there.

Good video, watch it.

Yes, very very precious.  This will be my twin soul and me.  We will be holding hands forever.  We are already holding each others hearts.

Magic

I love this video, and the words to this song are great.  I feel James in this song.

Oh my friends who read this blog... I am on the verge of losing my mind.  I can't eat much and I did not sleep well last night.  My emotions have not been in this much uproar since the first six months after we separated, and we are on month 22 now.  I am forcing down an apple with some peanut butter this morning and trying to drink a lot of water so I stay hydrated but I feel like gagging.  And I hate sleepless nights.

I woke at 2AM and had to write to get back to bed, and then I had strange dreams about writing.  *sigh*  I am so in love with James that it's on a whole other level, not of this world for sure, and I am not really familiar with chakras and all that but my insides feel all in an uproar.  My upper chest feels fluttery and my belly is upset.  I feel like I want to gag.

I realize in looking at the Twitter feed just how hard I can still be on myself.  Insecurity was slammed in my face when I saw the women he finds beautiful.  And I want to weep.  I have an old email from James, from before all of this started.  It is the sweetest message EVER!  He told me that he feels like I appreciate someone listening to me and that he hears me and loves what I have to say, that he likes my mind and how I think, that HE listens to me.  And then he said he could see this really becoming something special and he wrote, "You are a beautiful, smart, sexy etc. etc. woman and don't ever change."

Not long after that he moved away and went silent.

He meant all of that sweet loving sentiment.  I know he did.  And I can't get over the fact that he is not here with me now.  My mind is all over the place.  This is so fucking stupid but I want to change my look or wear more makeup or lose weight... and it's all this frantic reaction to seeing his Twitter feed.  I am aware of it though, and trying to work through it.

Not to mention, as I said before, all of his comments are either funny, cute, endearing or they show just how sensitive and in touch with his emotions and heart he is.  He posts about "no kids going hungry" so much that the group thanked him for getting the word out and he "liked" that one post of them thanking him.  And he has a picture of one of these singers "liked" and in it she is holding a baby.

A baby.  *weeping*  He has a few comments about kids on there, and I can tell he wants a child.  I KNOW he wants a child.  Oh my God in one of our "odd exchanges" last year exactly this time we ended up discussing having a child together and he wrote that it is honestly what he wants most.  Now much of our communication is so off the fucking chain that I have to sort through truth and lies.  But I always know that the goodness is truth and the icky is lies from above to force me to own my truth.  I KNOW that comment about "That's what I want most" is truth.  James wants to be a daddy, and he wants me to be the mother of his child.  And I want that more than I want OXYGEN.

There are times when I feel like throwing in the towel, handing my child over to my parents and my son's dad, and checking myself into a mental institution for a while.  Now is one of them.  I feel like there is not ONE person on earth feeling like I do right now.  It's the most isolating and mind-bending experience to believe something so fully, something that no one else believes!

I go back and forth between thinking, "Okay what's he feeling?  What is causing him, on his end, to not respond?  Or what causes him to say the things he does {always in response to my energy but still.}  EVERYONE says, "Well there has to STILL be a reason why he does what he does."  So I wrack my brain trying to figure out what issues he could possibly be working through when he seemed SO stable, balanced and super duper ready for a tight, fully-committed and intense relationship with a strong woman.  That's what he longed for, and in me he found the woman who could fulfill that desire for him.  He told me so, and what's more is I felt it in him.  I felt in him that he was already enlightened, super healthy inside and out, and just perfect.  It's what I've written on this blog {and on the forum} from the start and his Twitter feed reiterated it to me.  I was right in what I felt about him.  And I want God to know I realize I am damn lucky in finding what I did.  I am thankful.  Oh holy shit I am so thankful to find him typing sweet sentiment to women he's never going to meet, never going to hold hands with, etc... you get my drift.  As far as I am concerned- I am thankful for his fantasy crushes because I feel like he's being faithful to us.  I really do.  I just feel it in my heart. 

So I contemplate what could possibly be his "issues" that everyone tells me he MUST have if he's my twin soul but then I am shown from above something that defies explanation even though I try my best to explain it here.  It's as if there is an other-wordly energy inside of my twin that is always running the show, always "on to me" and always "powering him" for lack of another way to explain it.  Like sci-fi.  Like fiction.  Like "not-reality."  And it freaks me out because he IS human {I know, lol BOY do I know!!!} yet some of our exchanges are supernatural, not of this reality.  Can't be explained away as "his ego" or that he is simply reflecting me.  He knows what I think before I even think it.  He knows every single iota inside me that I am holding back even if it is just 1% of full truth, and he will push and prod me until I spill that 1%, until I am forced to unearth and shine light on any "dirty little secret" that he's trying to bring to the surface.

*sigh*  I am overwhelmed.  Yesterday I took some time to clean my house a bit, hung with the kiddos, took my son for a bike ride, had some frozen yogurt but I also wrote a lot.  I have a private blog along with my hand-written journals and I just wrote all day, on and off.  Truth.  And truth is that man wants to be with me, and he's always wanted to be with me, and he never desired to leave me, and he wants me as his future.  None of that ever changed, and he feels just the same for me now as he did.  He thinks I am as awesome as these women on his Twitter feed, even better because he can have me, and I know he wants me.  He admires me too.  Always did.  And I have to KNOW that, God damn it!  NO doubts, no fears, no worries.  Just trust and knowing.

Oh God I pray we are together soon.  I don't know how much more of this I can handle.  Trying to keep it real is all I can say.  I was feeling disconnected from him and I am wondering if that's why I found the Twitter feed.  It brought him right back to me.  He's so endearing.  So sweet, and very sensitive.  I ACHE to have that sweet sensitivity back in my life, my soft-hearted loving man.

He's not normal at all.  He's better than normal, and so am I.  So are us all.

And I am perfect just as I am.  Not with more makeup or darker hair or better clothes or thinner or more alluring.  I am me and that is fine.  Bridget Jones' Diary is one of my favorite movies on the planet.  I used to watch it almost daily.  It spoke to me.  "I already feel like an idiot most of the time," she says to Mark.  I've spent my entire life feeling like an idiot and I know that's not true.  I am not an idiot.  I love how after this scene here Bridget and her amazingly hilarious and sweet friends are out for dinner discussing Mark telling her that he likes her "Just as she is," and her friend says, "Not thinner or with bigger boobs?" {or something like that} and Bridget replies with a look of amazement that no- he likes her just as she is and they are all quieted like nothing more can be said.

Inner beauty is so much more important than outer, I know.  Funny how things in life make us question this.  I'm having one of those moments and am working through it.  I love myself and I know James does too.

Just as I am.

I feel like James thinks of me like the song above, Magic.  "You know it's true I don't want anybody else but you."  This is the truth that I am writing.

xxoo

Jennifer

Sweet

I love this photo.  This is me and my love.  Leo love.  Oh how I miss him.  I want to snuggle up with him like this picture here, just cuddle up into his arms.  I feel like he wants to protect me and be the one to I can count on.

I really don't have much to say besides I miss James.  He was so sensitive and sweet to me and this is one of the reasons why I always say he is irreplaceable.  Not very many men are in touch with their feelings like James is.  He wore his heart on his sleeve and had no problem with showing his affection, and I love that.  I need that.  I am an affectionate person and need that in return, and he is just like me.

Me and my Lion King.

~~**Butterfly Kisses**~~

I have a few thoughts I need to work out here in writing so I figured I do it on my blog since some of you tell me that my written meanderings help you too :)

Seeing James' Twitter feed has really affected me, and not in a negative way at all.  I am overcome with his major sensitivity.  I forgot why I always used to say he felt like a "girl."  Because he's this walking ball of sensitivity and see... due to him having to be my mirror, showing me my fear energy and worried and doubts is not always so sensitive-feeling.  So I forgot how sensitive he is.

If I did not see his posts to the beautiful and bright singers he pours his heart out to {oh my sweet little twin soul!!!} I would think it might be a girl tweeting on his feed.  One of these singers, may have been Michelle Branch, posted a picture of her older-than-God grandparents sitting in bed holding hands.  They are OLD- like in their 90s.  He tweeted in response, "So precious."

So precious.  HE is so precious.  He writes sweet comments on the photos they post of their kids.  I want to just melt.  I forgot how sweet and warm and big-hearted he is.  He is this walking ball of ooey gooey sensitivity.  I KNEW it- I kind of remembered it- but finding his Twitter feed reminds me clearly.

I love hot tea with honey and cream.  He tweeted, "Yummy- a cup of hot herbal tea with organic honey and a splash of half and half," and I am still asking myself, "Is this guy FOR REAL?"  I asked myself that when I first met him too.  He did not feel real.  His level of sensitivity is off the charts, and he feels like feminine energy.  He's too cute.

I need to stay here, in this place.  I need to remember that he is a good dear man.

Last year EXACTLY right now, to the day, I was being triggered hugely.  I went back to my journal from that time to read my thoughts and the guidance I was given.  Soon after this time my guidance stopped channeling to me so it helps for me to go back and see what maybe I was not understanding then that I may understand now, and see if the guidance holds new meaning for me.  When I am in fear I cannot understand what I am being told even if it is very simple.  The messages given to me are not complicated.  They are very simple, lol.  Even then I have a hard time getting them to sink in!

I've written this a hundred times on my blog but I want to repeat it here because I think it applies to many of us who are in a twin soul union.  I think it is very important to us who are in twin soul union. You know how we are told that we are all on a journey of learning unconditional love for all?  I do believe this but when in a twin soul union we are being asked to very specifically trust and believe and love our twins.  Dare I say the focus is supposed to be on them... not "loving the world."  That will come later.  We are all loving individuals to begin with.  I don't think many of us twin souls have huge problems loving people.  We love naturally.  But we doubt when people love us.  We doubt ourselves.  We have trouble thinking we are worthy of love so self-love for ourselves is so very important in the twin soul union, and let me explain why...

We HAVE to believe that they love us, despite appearances.  This is a big step in the twin soul union because if we cannot believe they love us then that love cannot be shown to us.  If we feel that love love does not exist then what do you think happens?  IT IS AS IF IT DOES NOT EXIST.  It cannot be shown to us if we do not fully believe in it.  And it is not easy to believe in their love through the silence, coldness and other "appearances."

BUT- to be able to believe in their love for us we must first believe we are worthy of such love, so the self-healing and working on self and loving self and healing self and trusting self and letting go of self-judgment and shame and guilt and ALL that "healing inner" work must happen before we can even start believing we are worthy of love.

Make sense?  So yes self-love, unconditional love for self, is so so so very important in this journey.

After self-love though comes two very important steps in this process, so it kind of goes like this:

1. Unconditional love for self
2. Unconditional love for our twin souls
3. {And the biggest challenge for me} Totally believing in and trusting in the love they have for us.

For me the first two steps are easiest.  Loving him comes very easy to me.  I adore James.  I think he's fucking amazing, and I'll never change my opinion of him.  If loving him was all I needed to bring him back to me... well he would never have left in the first place.  Because I adore him.  But in a twin soul union loving them is not enough.  No.  We have to believe in the love they have for us.  It is paramount.  I do believe this for the reason I explained above.  This is a unique journey for us twin souls and it is very specific to the two people in the union.  This does not, in my opinion, concern learning how to live a highly spiritual lifestyle, learning how to love the world, etc. etc.  It concerns the dynamic between the two people.  It is like we live in a bubble, a twin soul bubble, and the most important "quest" for us now concerns self-healing, loving the twin, and believing in their love for us.

So when I read people going on and on about "Well we must learn unconditional love for everyone" or "We must live a spiritual life" or "We must do some spiritual career" to be reunited I cringe.  I do not believe this.  Just be a good person like you are naturally, love yourself and concentrate on your UNION.  YOUR UNION.  I absolutely DO believe this concerns the other person and we are NOT meant to "detach" or push them out of our energy or consciousness.  I don't suggest stalking or writing in 3D all the time or anything like that- this is all inner energy work.  All of it because your twin soul will NOT contact you until you are in BELIEF.

I re-read some of what my guidance told me a year ago.  And it is all very very simple.  I've shared it here before and I will share it again.  It is similar to what other people have written just given to me in a little bit different way, in the "flavor" of language that my guidance uses with me.

I am told to absolutely ignore the "nonsense" that is shown to me, the mirroring.  To not believe at all that it is him or his intention- he is purely mirroring me so I can see my "monsters" AKA my fears because "Not seeing means repeating."  I have to be able to clearly see what I am creating so I can work on NOT creating it.  And to not create it I have to no longer have those fears or think those thoughts and that includes not fixating in or believing that what the mirror shows me is his intention. No- it is not his intention.  Ever heard the phrase, "Don't kill the messenger?"  They are messengers for us,

I am told to instead to concentrate on his "only love."  His kisses.  KISSES.  My guidance wants me to realize, own, fixate on, obsesses about, constantly think about, meditate on, write about... his loving adoring warm enveloping never-ending kisses which were a clear indication of the level of strong love he had for me.  "Love is only kisses" is what I am told.  I was CLEARLY told to ONLY CONCENTRATE ON HIS LOVE.  The love he showed me.  Nothing else.  No fear.  No discussing or commiserating or talking over fears with friends and, for God's sake, NO DISCUSSING ANY OF THE MIRRORING.  I find myself thinking of the things he has written to me, the stuff he's had to show me, and I feel... terrible.  It feels terrible when I begin to allow myself to think, "Did he really mean this or that?"  NO- he did NOT mean it.  It did not come from his heart it came from my mirror and I am meant to know what he's showing me and let it go.  LET IT GO.

And shift into thinking about his sweet kisses instead.

I am told that there is a destiny out there for me and James together, a future together.  But fear and doubt keeps that destiny from me.  My "illness" is not believe in his love for me.  It has been the largest challenge of my life to overcome and I am still working on it.  My "illness" is what keeps my destiny away from me because when I do not believe in his love for me, when I do not trust his goodness or his strong sweet love, then he cannot show me love.  He cannot show me, "I want you in my life so much!"

No- he has to show me the OPPOSITE.  Are you following me here?  What is the opposite of "I love you and want you in my life?"  I don't need to spell it out- it's not fun, it's not pretty and it does not feel good.

Feel like fearful lies and not truth.

So.  To wrap this up.  Do whatever it takes to meditate on the love your twin has for you.  This does not mean simply thinking, "I love you so much!!!"  It means you have to remind yourself of loving times, loving dreams, loving words, loving touches you've shared, kisses... remind yourself of their loving energy and how much you meant to them.  Believe in it.  You MUST believe in that love in order to allow your destiny to come to you.  This is not all about being "pathetically" in love.  It is not only about "fighting" for love.  It is about working towards owning your destiny because you can keep it from you with disbelief, and we don't want that right?

We want to own our destinies with our twin souls, and to do so we MUST believe in the love they have for us.  We must believe they love us because we are worthy of such love.  So believe it and do what YOU need to to always remind yourself and put yourself in the space of that love.  For me it is writing, obviously.

I also think going inner and being more quiet now is needed, like not talking with other people.  Not getting the opinion of anyone else.  Just diving down deep and believing in the two of you.

My twin used to write to me, "I believe in us!"

I believe in us.

Hugs to all.

Jennifer

More Feelings...

I want to write a few more things out on here.

James has always told me he finds me beautiful.  My guidance once told me he finds me "impossibly beautiful" and he... oh if you only knew how many times he's told me this, the lengths he's went to to talk about my beauty.

My childhood was rough.  I was a chubby child and it made my parents nuts.  We were abused various ways and I was often told I was ugly and fat.  One of them would poke me in my belly and tell me I was disgusting.  All my life I was made to feel fat and unlovable.  Even in high school my mother insisted on taking me shopping at the plus sized stores when I was about a healthy size ten. They both had issues with body image that I won't explain here but they warped me and my brother while we were growing up, and yes this must still be stuck with me today.

Then my sister came alone ten years after me and she was absolutely beautiful and perfect, their dream child.  My dad used to hold her on his lap, pet her head and say, "My beautiful daughter" while I was sitting there with them.  And I WAS buck-teeth, frizzy hair, total "baby fat belly" for a long time.  I was an awkward child.  I was an ABUSED child.  So I was ashamed of myself.

I was ashamed of myself.  They acted like I was an embarrassment so I felt like I was an embarrassment.  It was horrible.  I was very quiet and shy because I did not want to be seen.  I felt like a monster, like everyone was looking at me and pointing and laughing, and sometimes they did point and laugh because I was also a teased and bullied child on top of it.

In high school I did not date.  I was too nervous and shy so I had no boyfriends, only hard crushes.  I did not socialize well.  Again I was ashamed of myself.

I remember one day a male school mate of mine told me he loved when I was a lector {a reader} at the church we both attended because he loved seeing me up there... and I was shocked.  Like why? He said I was beautiful.  He was one of those awkward kids too, the ones who grow up to be spiritual and have a strong heart.  Another time I remember going to a class full of maybe first graders for some special presentation.  I had long blond curly hair, and in reality I was a pretty girl just very broken inside.  A little girl looked up at me in awe and said, "You are as pretty as a princess."

I will never forget that moment- children do not "judge" based on what others thing or stigma.  Kids speak truth.

But my whole life I've had issues with my self-image.  And then I met my soul mates and they were in awe of my like I am some kind of goddess {one of them shook whenever he was around me} and then my James has always been the same way.  Every time we connect throughout this journey together, no matter how odd it is, he always tells me how gorgeous I am.  He's went on and on before about how gorgeous I am, and also he'd tell me "But that's not all I love about you..." and he'd list all the other reasons he loves me.

Lately I do not feel very beautiful.  My room mate has told me she's noticed me lately really berating myself,  I am going to be 42 and I am noticing my age, and being alone does not help matters any. Sometimes when I let my doubts in and I feel "unchosen" then that's not good either.

So when I saw his Twitter feed and saw these few choice singers he chooses to follow I did lose my mind for a couple days.  I don't like seeing James writing words of love and adoration to any other woman but me BUT- these are "fantasies."  They are not real.  THANK GOD.

Do I even need to elaborate more on that?  One thing I have managed to do throughout this journey is KNOW in my heart he is being faithful to me.  I know he is not dating.  I feel it.   It's been a few months now since I've been able to bring him back to me but every time I do he says he wants to see me, and James would not do that if he was seeing someone else.  I know he loves me.  I know I am the date-able one for him like he told me.  I know I am his one and only true love.

And while looks are not everything and I know this fully- I will say that I know I am beautiful both inside and out and no matter how I look James would still find me gorgeous.  He's shown me that too, raving about how gorgeous I am in a photo even though the phone was over my face.  Telling me how thin I look, lol, when I know I have gained a bit of weight.  He's meant to do that.  He does find me effortlessly beautiful, and this is why in the past when we are able to reconnect he goes totally out of his mind over a simple shot of my legs.  He... wants me.  I know he does.  He loves me like I love him, and I LOVE him.  Like I adore every single thing about him.  I may think Paul Rudd is attractive {hubba hubba} but still my James is the one who does it for me.  I think he is perfect in every single way, and no matter what I would love him.

I am a bit sad though, and I don't know if this is just my mind making shit up or if this is my intuition speaking to me.  But again... I am a bit haunted to see how he follows these people on Twitter, and it is not just women.  He has a few people he follows, good people, and he comments to them like they are his "buddies."  It's cute but it makes me feel like he is lonely.  Like he spends a lot of time doing this, online reading stuff and sharing.  And I always knew he did but it's even more evident now that he needs me in his life like he told me he did.  I just feel badly.  He thinks I am as beautiful as those singers but he should be with me, in real life.  He needs a real life love.  Me.  We are meant to be together, and he is so sweet.  And he really was SO good to me.  He made me feel like a princess, like I was the most beautiful woman on the planet.  Never once has he alluded to otherwise, and he never would.  He does find me effortlessly beautiful because I AM.  I am beautiful both inside and out, and he knows it- he feels it and he sees it.  He loves what I stand for, and he knows my heart.

There is so much more to him than I knew, and I love what I've found out about him.  The sweetheart- even these women he finds so attractive- he's respectful.  He's sweet.  He thinks they are pretty, lol.  He's lonely.  I want to be with him.  I want to ease his loneliness and actually touch him and kiss him and hug him like he needs and deserves.

I want to love him so badly, in person.  And I do love him from afar.

My heart is really breaking right now.  I miss James with a passion.  I want nothing more than to be in his arms again, holding him and running my hands through his hair and kissing him for hours.  Hugging him tightly.

I've always written on my blog that he's a warm man, and he is.  He also loves beauty, and really who doesn't?  Yes a part of me is triggered by him commenting on these beautiful women.  I cannot hide that fact.  But the thing is he thinks I AM THAT BEAUTIFUL TOO.  And he showed me all the time.

And my God do I want him back in my life.  We are so meant to be together.  I have to make this happen.  I cannot stand being apart from my love.  I have this feeling of compassion for him.  I think it is seeing this and realizing that he is lonely, just like he told me.  He told me, "I need you.  I need you in my life."

I know he needs me.  I pray I can make this happen.  I just miss him so much.  He's so my love bug. Mine.  He used to write those words to me :)  And he wanted to, and I know he still does.  I want him to be able to be everything he is to me.  I adore him.  More than I can find good words to say without sounding like, right now, I am a huge dork who is going off the deep end.

I MISS HIM.  It is a missing, a feeling, I cannot explain.  I want nothing more than to be with my love again like I know we are meant to be.  He is a good sweet man, and I know he needs me in his life like I need him.

Each of our journeys become very personal in the end.  Mine has.  Mine has come to this place where I am the only one on earth who can understand it, or know how I feel.  Like I can barely breathe without him here.  Like the best thing that ever happened is out there somewhere walking and talking and living and he is not with me and that is a tragedy.

Just ugh.  I love him.  He is wonderful.  He deserves good strong love and someone soft and cuddly and warm to hug and love on at night too.  It is not just ME who is lonely- he is too.  I feel it.  He told me not long ago that he wished I was cuddled up in his arms.  That was not long ago, and I know he means it.

I so badly need him back with me where he belongs.  He needs hugs too.  His heart is so absolutely beautiful that it is amazing.  It makes me ache- his heart is so perfect.  I once had that amazing person in my arms and in my life and I am so blessed to even have known this man.  But I really want him back now.  I ache for him in the worst way.  I pray we can be together soon, my love.

Jennifer