Love has a lot to do with belief and belief can be messy. It can be messy good like when having really good passionate close sweaty lovin' and you just know the person you are making hard amazing love with is your adoring soul mate, and it can be messy bad like when a broken heart has you on on the ground in a huddled lump, face so wet it's hard to tell where the tears end and the snots start because you are doubting love, and doubting love HURTS. The day before Joron got the job offer to California he spent the day emailing me, all day. He sent me some really deep messages that day, and I assumed he was just having a moment. Later in the day he sent me a question: if heaven is real we will one day end up there together? Did I believe we'd be be together forever? He wanted to know if we would be monogamous in heaven, together for eternity. Now coming from an Atheist I thought he was half-kidding so I gave him some half-joking answer. He wrote back that I should be a politician because whenever he asks me something "important" I skirt the issues with a half-answer. I wrote back and told him that yes, I wanted to spend this lifetime and eternity with him, that he meant so much to me I wished to be with him forever. And then the next day he was pretty much gone.
I love this guy though. Like a ton. Like there is nothing he could do to upset me. My unconditional love for him is like the love I feel for my son. No matter what happens I will always love my twin soul {and this love is beginning to grow and ooze out of me so that I consider others to be just as deserved of such love as my twin.} This journey with him has not been fun. It has been Hell but it was a Hell I had to endure in order to face myself. I face myself through the mirror of my twin soul.
I'm trying to figure out where to go with this next post. I really want to explain directly some instances where Joron clearly showed me things about myself that I needed to heal, and also how apparent the telepathy, our soul communication, became. A few weeks after that first phone conversation I heard a song by One Republic Called, "You've Got Something I Need." It talks of if we only die once I want to die with you, and it reminded me of Joron's Atheism and the fact that he asked me if we'd be together in heaven so I sent it to him and I wrote, "If we only live once I want to live with you." I had read that twin souls, when they finally come together and stay together on earth, are in their final lifetime and the after that they retire for eternity to "heaven" or somewhere blissful behind the veil. It reminded me of his earlier question asking me if we would be together forever in heaven. I didn't hear back when I sent the song though.
Until about a week later. I was sitting there just minding my own business when he popped through with an email that said something about how yummy I was. Again tussling with my fear that he only thought of sex when he thought of me. I carefully wrote back and sent him a funny youtube link. He wrote back, a very nice message actually, and he ended it with "I'm horny. I miss your legs and your kisses." Well- I lost my shit. FEAR crashed over me. I could have just taken a deep breath and wrote back something quirky and casual considering that Spirit had been telling me I was going to be tested until I had no fear left in me. Instead I told him he needed to make up his mind. If I was only going to be sex to him then I was not interested in Friends With Benefits {which is so clearly out of the question when it comes to Joron and I it isn't even funny} so if he wanted to seriously just be friends I was okay with that.
Lies. First of all you can't lie in a twin soul union. It's of soul and soul knows everything. I did not want to just be friends, and upon reflection his message was actually kinda sweet- he was staying single {no sex on his end,} protecting our "relationship," and he was thinking of me and wanting me. Instead of seeing it from that perspective I freaked the fuck out... and he disappeared again.
And then came the holidays. He'd mentioned that maybe he'd come home over Thanksgiving and we could have a drink. Well I didn't hear from him all the way through to Christmas and it broke my heart. Some more strange things happened, signs and synchronicity, in that time but that is for another blog post. Christmas was hard for me. I assumed he was back in town visiting his family and was avoiding me and it just KILLED me. Again I tried very hard to be joyful for my child and I did a good job. Spirit is good to me- my sister moved in with us before I met my twin soul and I needed her with me in order to get through all this. Christmas Eve we got ready for Santa and it was so cute. Christmas Day was a great day that started with my son's delight in opening his presents and being so excited that Santa ate the cookies we baked for him and his reindeer ate the carrots we left out. My son is my priority no matter what so I'm constantly finding my joy if not for myself then for my precious little four year-old. I'd emailed Joron once just to say hello, talked about the weather, and told him no matter what I loved him. But I heard nothing. No Happy Thanksgiving. No "I hope your son is enjoying the holidays." Absolutely nothing. The total void of contact was enough to really push me, hard.
Around that time I sat at home one night with a bottle of prescription sleeping pills in front of me and I had an absolute terrific fit while talking to my guidance. I was so out of my mind that soul couldn't really get through. I was in shitloads of pain and fear, literally shitloads. I sobbed uncontrollably and told God, "Either you take some of this pain from me or else I'll wash 'em down with some whiskey soon- just try me. If you want my son to be motherless then keep me in this pain and see where it gets you. I'll throw in the towel." And I meant it. I was full of despair. The intensity of the emotional pain inside of me was so strong it took everything in my power not to end it right there. My guidance said, "Dear dear just go to bed. Now. Just go to sleep," so I did. And I woke the next day actually feeling much better and my pain has never reached such heights again.
But I was still in a precarious state mentally and emotionally. Not hearing from Joron over the holidays was too hard to bear. I got through Christmas and then on December 26th a miracle happened for me. I am The Queen of Doubt. Literally. I doubt soooo much. I doubt my guidance and for ages I worried it was only coming from me, ha ha ha. I just doubt, everything. I call myself a "believer" but I didn't have much faith or belief. It's been an ongoing problem for me, one that's been called out by many spiritualists in the past. My son and I decided to watch "The Polar Express" that night, 12-26-13. As we cuddled up watching the movie I saw that the little boy in the movie is a highly skeptical doubter. Santa in the film is paralleled to God- and the little boy did not believe. For weeks before this my guidance had been using the word "jingle" with me and I didn't know why. Well in the movie the boy can't hear the jingle of jingle bells until he hops on The Polar Express and goes to The North Pole and sees Santa with his own two eyes; he needed proof of Santa's existence you see. He couldn't just believe on faith- he had to know, to see, to believe. There is a ghost in the movie who taunts the boy and calls him a doubter. The ghost says, "You're a doubter. You're a doubter. That's your problem- you don't believe." I shook my head knowing I was supposed to be watching this movie. It was a clear message, a "sign," for me.
Santa gives the little boy a jingle bell and forever, even as an adult, he can hear the jingle of the jingle bell while the rest of the adults, as they grow and lose their genuine wonder of life, can no longer hear the bell. But the boy could because he always believed. Well I sobbed at the end of the movie listening to Josh Groban sing "Believe." I climbed into bed and had a deep heart to heart with God. I cried and pledged that I did believe, and I knew watching the movie was a message for me, "jingle." I had problems with my faith. I said, "God I know you want me to believe all these things my soul has been telling me about Joron, that he's not choosing to ignore me but that his soul is working through him to keep him quiet. It's so hard to believe! I feel like he abandoned me. Like he doesn't even think of me or love me. He's forgotten me. How can you expect me to think he loves me when he hasn't written to me in weeks? He's probably home and ignored me. He forgot me right away, and it hurts! If you want me to believe then I need something! I need a sign. You gave the little boy a bell. Where is my bell God? I want my bell. Give me something to believe in because I am lost right now. I am lonely and sad and feel like this man could care less about me. But I swear- I do believe in you. I do. I believe. Just give me a sign. Give me my bell, please."
I closed my eyes to go to sleep and saw lights flashing behind my eyes. It was 12:10 AM when I laid down. Utterly exhausted and wrung out I noted the lights, wondered if they were my imagination and fell deeply asleep. I woke in the morning and thought, "Did I dream those lights?" My ipad was beside me on the bed and before I reached for it I thought: am I going to get my message? Is life truly magical? Is God listening to me? I looked and saw the small red number one that alerted me I had one email message and my heart stopped. Could it be? Did I dare believe something magical could really happen?
It was from Joron. Be shocked. I was. Beyond shocked.
It was sent about 12:30 AM which means he was writing to me the same time I was praying hard to God. At first I thought, "Oh God answered my prayers!" and while I do still think that I feel it is more that my soul was communicating with Joron's soul. He was told to write to me, felt it was the moment to say hello, and he listened to his soul. It's a total magically divine process, awesome really. There was no coincidence. It was all God. He wrote and sounded amazingly like his old self, like he hadn't since he shut off to me. He explained that he didn't come back for the holidays and why. He confided that he'd been trying to be a source of emotional support for his niece who was going through a hard time. Then he told me, "I do still think of you. I have not forgotten you," and it was like he was answering the prayers I made to God, reassuring me that he hadn't forgotten me. He mentioned our love. He said he was thinking of coming back and hoped to see me "If I'd have him." He told me all the things he missed about me, and he wrote: I love your personality and your smile." Not "I love sex with you" or "I loveD your personality and smile." He said he wanted to see me. I almost died. He signed it, "Kisses sexy girl..." but he added one last line.
"Oh, and you'd better be working on your book."
Why I didn't start writing right then and never stop is beyond me. I was kept in fear for some silly reason. I think I wrote back, and it started a sporadic dance of contact that continued up until about five weeks ago. I have not heard from Joron, and it's a lack of contact I will discuss here soon. For now though I have to ensure that you, Dear Reader, understand something important about my Joron. I was in dire straits there for a while. I wanted to end it all. This is not an easy healing process. Every one of my fears was shown to me when Joron ran from me and went quiet. I was convinced he never thought of me and that I was forgotten. Those fears traumatized me. He became my every fear so I could face those fears down through him. He did not go quiet on his own, Spirit helped him in order to help heal me.
I am eternally grateful to my twin soul for listening that night, for heeding the call of his soul. He basically helped save my life. I was in desperate need of a sign. DESPERATE. I need to know I was loved, that he was still out there... or else I am not sure what would have happened to me. This has been one hard lesson to learn. He didn't let me down. He came through for me by sending me his words, his love, his hope, when I needed it most. I was feeling unloved, let down, rejected- and then he was there, listening to his soul, to tell me: I DO LOVE YOU. And he did, and does. And I love him too.
Oh and he reminded me to follow my Destiny as a writer... so so amazingly strange how soul works through us, used us as channels in order to communicate divine wisdom and guidance- just some of us listen better than others. Try to listen to me for a moment when I tell you that it really is okay... to believe.
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