How true. Love grows. To grow it needs to be nurtured and adored, even if that love is felt only on the inside and can't, at times, be shown. I truly feel I am living through an exceptional experience, and I thankful to have a new sense of awareness that is allowing me to think clearly and avoid freaking out over this situation.
Joron and I have done "The Dance" for months now. He's come closer and moved away at least a good ten times. It took me, oh, a good ten times to *hopefully* get a good idea of what is happening here, what I should be concentrating on. This last time he disappeared about seven weeks ago was the absolute worst; it was the longest silence we've had. I don't mean to come across as a "know it all" but in these last weeks I did become more open to seeing what I needed to see, some "weaknesses" became very apparent. I didn't like the quiet but I knew I was learning from it! My guidance kept referring to the space by saying, "wrung out" because the dreaded silence, and the disappointment, was forcing me to become very aware, and was pushing out of me some really big stuff like my tendency to tell little white lies in order to sterilize myself, make myself more "loveable."
And I wasn't writing about my experience. Now I am, here, but I do need to continue to work on a book, and I am. But tonight I a commenting on my current situation. Today, and I am shocked by this, I was contacted by my last soul mate, the man I "dated" before I met Joron. He was like heroin to me and it took a lot for me to walk away from a relationship that needed to be over. On Valentine's Day he contacted me and I told him in no uncertain terms that I wished the best for him but I needed to never hear from him again. Still he tempted me, even then, and I wanted our connection to be totally severed. When he wrote me back I went as far as to just delete his emails without even reading them- I was exorcising him from my life. This didn't mean I don't want what is best for him! I care about him and his happiness but our connection is no longer needed. I learned a lot from him, and he helped prepare me for my twin, but our time had come and gone.
And yet today of all days I heard from him. I am proud to say just the thought of entertaining an in-depth conversation with him is a turn-off to me now, and that is a good thing. I did tell him I meant no harm in my last email but that I had to sever the connection with him. He asked about Joron, tentatively feeling me out to see what my relationship status is- in other words he was trying to get a sense of how weak I am feeling, if I would be interested in caving and seeing him again. No. Way. Twin soul in my life or not... I no longer desire less in my life. My last soul mate, the man he is, is not less but the situation would be. Our text chat began and ended within minutes and he knew without me spelling it out for him that done is done. It felt very liberating to choose to be alone over being tempted to fill a lonely space with something, or someone, I know is not good for me. Six months I would have been, and was, tempted to see him out of sheer sadness and a sense of wanting a distraction from my pain. Now I am more than willing to just face my life head on with no vices- and my last soul mate turned into a vice... one that needs to be avoided just as much as whiskey does!
All that said, I heard from Joron tonight, and it is so soft and slow and sweet right now. In the past we connect and slam back together very hard and very quick, almost with a sense of urgency. This time it feels a little more tentative but loving. And he called me "honey" tonight which is very important to me. I made sure to tell my last soul mate that Joron loves me, and I love him, and I am happy- bottom line. The love is strong. I don't know what the future will bring but I do know we love each other, and that's enough for me right now as I continue to work on ME. I want to be strong. I want to... rely on myself for my own happiness. I want to take baby steps. Joron wants to know dates I will be available in June... and he gently mentioned being intimate with me but he said he didn't want me to think it's all he wants, and I know his intentions are good but still it helps assuage any "bad thoughts" for him to reassure me that he is not only out for sex. Truth is we need to be kissy and close again. I look forward to looking into his eyes, kissing his lips and holding him again, ain't gonna lie. We had a nice email exchange and then he told me he loved me, called me honey and told me to go to sleep. It just feels good- and I am working with total awareness this time to stay balanced and strong, in a place of unconditional love and acceptance of the situation meaning I can only control me and my intentions. I can't control much else. The Divine has this. I know it. I feel like it is softer and more gentle right now because we both feel the soul connection strongly... there is not as much of a sense of "lack" right now. It's calmer, soothing.
I do hope I see him in June. I have faith and clarity. Many things have changed for me, and yes I am writing about all of it! I am certain there are people out there who have no idea about twin flames or even soul mates who meet that one special person who, in a flash, disappears and life shatters with no warning and then chaos begins. The book I am writing is for those people because I truly feel this is a process that is happening more and more often as more twins are uniting- this "passive" Silent Treatment that feels like Hellish ignoring. It is my hope that I could write something that would help avoid all the chasing, all the chaos, so there is a chance to let The Divine heal the people involved as well as the situation. Think about it- going quiet is more gentle than fighting or even a solid break up. And it's more agonizing and traumatic, and it is the pain that heals us... the pain but then once we get a glimpse that the love we felt in the beginning isn't lost after all, well then truth begins to be seen, and the sun shines again. That's when we know The Divine is at work and we should just give it to God and work on us... and people need to know this. I surely hope that I, plain old me, can put something together to help others. I know how far-fetched and unbeievable it may sound to most but heck, I'm living it.
Tonight my twin soul's love for me, a love I absolutely thought disappeared months ago, is totally evident. It's a mini-miracle considering where we've been in these last nine months. I am so much stronger now. It's amazing to me how much I've transformed through knowing him. I go to sleep tonight with a huge glowing ball of love inside me and a sense of anticipation. I won't crash and burn if the dance continues yet I am excited to see if applying my new found awareness will help bring us closer together. Only time will tell!
"its the pain that heals us." <--- Truth.
ReplyDeleteFunny you mentioned how you and your tf need to be kissy and close, and he specifically said he wanted you to know that it wasn't about the sex.. but how can either of you deny the one thing that will be yearning deep within you the moment you see one another. The desire to be one, physically and spiritually.
I know that being near my tf, I often wondered before I knew what tf's were, if that was what lust felt like because I had never desired someone in that way before. In the way that when you're near one another you cannot help but ache to make love to one another. Not for the physical but for the emotional, the spiritual pleasure. There is NOTHING quite like that kind of love making. Its the expression of the love you feel. So sweetheart, do not dare think that if he desires you so crazily that its a man lusting.. because it is not.. That just the easiest way for a man to show his love.. through making love to you. Be proud he wants you so much. :) xoxo
My twin is very much attracted to me. It has always amazed me a little how strong his attraction is, and actually it scared me a little because it pushed fears to the surface, after he left, that it was "only attraction." We have worked through that now but YIKES the desire is so strong! But we are both staying single, and we love each other... from 2100 miles away AND through a twin soul separation where we come together from afar and exchange strong love then fall into silence. Then exchange love and fall into silence. It leaves me wanting to hug and kiss him and be as close to him as possible because I really miss him, and I know he misses me. The hardest part of all of this has been that Joron has always been a highly expressive man so to have such little communication and contact- can be hard at times. I pray for the day when this is all over and we can communicate freely again, be a "real" couple again. I know this is all so special but it can also be exhausting. I miss him and yes this means I want to make close kissy love with this man who was the last man I kissed, and the last man I really want to kiss. What is difficult is that my marriage was lonely and then I dated sporadically and I only had Joron in my life for six weeks. I can't help it- I'm ready to have someone in my life full-time, and even if it is from afar I'd like it to be him.
ReplyDeleteRose! I am reading a book called into the light. It's about a man (a doctor) who finds his passion and heart in caring for Hospice patients. Through his patients he learns of experiences these people are having as they transist into the next life (or as some would say, death). So he writes a book about them.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, he is with this one patient who is in her late 20's and dying of breast cancer. She has three young children and no husband and no family. Two of the children were by a man she had once been married to but they had split up and lost contact with one another. The third child was by a man who was now in prison. The doctor was asking her if there was anything he could do help make her transition easier and she began to cry and said "can you please see if you can locate my ex husband to see if he will care for my children?" She was having a hard time letting go of this life because she was so concerned about who would care for her kids and if they would be split up. Anyway so he and his team got right on it and start trying to locate the man. As she'e lying there the next fews days and the dr is sitting with her she begins to see angels etc..
She tells him what the spirits/angels are saying and what they are doing. This is normal for him by now because most of his patients who are conscious speak of seeing family that has passed on, or angels or even Jesus in the room. Anyway, she sits up and begins to smile.. she looks over at the dr and said "The big angel just told me to rest, that my prayers have been heard and spirit is moving in to change the heart of my ex husband. He told me that he is putting a longing in his heart for me and my children and that he will be the one to care for all three of my kids when I pass."
The point of my story ... You were right. It IS spirit that changes our hearts. IT IS spirit that pulls our twin flame away., and we have to trust there is a reason for it. The LOVE IS THERE, it always has been and always will be, it has just been blinded for the moment.
WOW! When I read this I knew I had to tell you because I knew reading your blog that it hit home and made sense and this is just more validation. :)
Jamie thank you for your words. They always help to reaffirm when I am feeling less than perfectly strong.
ReplyDeleteBefore I walked out the door to meet Joron for our first date I asked Spirit why I was meeting him. I was told, "Walls will fall. Hearts will melt. This one is a gem. Cherish him." I was also warned of my fearful doubts. I believe that when walls fall and stubborn willful ego quiets then hearts melt- and this means Spirit changes the heart of my twin soul. And it follows my own energy, how I feel, how I love- and I do not love unconditionally easily. I get annoyed at times. I get frustrated. I fall into disbelief and begin to think "I am not a priority to him and this is why he ignores me." I'm human too. It takes a lot of blogging, writing and contemplating to stay here in my place of belief. So thank you for helping me. I have another chance to see him again and I'd like to make it happen this time but it all depends on my heart and my energy and intention!