I could write volumes about the loving wonderful relationship that ensued between me and Joron but this blog is more to document and explain what happened after he left so I'm trying to get through the pre-stuff {the kissy fun stuff prior to the my heart being smashed to bits but for a purpose stuff} quickly. Can't skip over the good stuff though. I am told from soul that The Divine uses special "soul helpers" to teach us our lessons, and twin souls are the epitome of a soul helper. The six weeks we were together were magical, at times so magical that it was undeniably odd. Our second kiss was divine, and from that point on if we were together then we were locked at the lips. Our kisses were literally born in heaven and skyrocketed each of us to a place of bliss the moment our lips met. I could kiss that man for eternity, and he always ALWAYS spoke of our kisses- he still does. Time stopped when we kissed, and we seriously made out like teen-agers on my couch, not going farther than sweet deep kisses for weeks. I think it was the best time of my life: kissing him was like an extended vacation. I want to kiss him forever. And ever.
Through all of our strange "dancing" we do the one thing he always mentions, even in the most dazed moments, is our kissing. There was something truly magical about us coming together, and the first physical evidence of the magic were those mystical sexy addictive kisses. Within ten days he told me he'd fallen in love with me, and for a level-headed scientist to fall in love so quickly sent his world spinning. The night he told me over and over how much he loved me he also got all freaked out and hung up on me. I knew to be gentle with him and we ended up talking about his concerns about the future. See- he knew he wanted to move back to Cali, and he "knew" not to meet someone special if she was not planning to go with him. At first, with my child, I didn't even consider the option of moving away but knowing Joron changed my thinking. He told me what he wanted in a career in science, to make a name for himself. A legacy. He had no children of his own and wanted his name to live on in science.
Through all of our strange "dancing" we do the one thing he always mentions, even in the most dazed moments, is our kissing. There was something truly magical about us coming together, and the first physical evidence of the magic were those mystical sexy addictive kisses. Within ten days he told me he'd fallen in love with me, and for a level-headed scientist to fall in love so quickly sent his world spinning. The night he told me over and over how much he loved me he also got all freaked out and hung up on me. I knew to be gentle with him and we ended up talking about his concerns about the future. See- he knew he wanted to move back to Cali, and he "knew" not to meet someone special if she was not planning to go with him. At first, with my child, I didn't even consider the option of moving away but knowing Joron changed my thinking. He told me what he wanted in a career in science, to make a name for himself. A legacy. He had no children of his own and wanted his name to live on in science.
Our conversation that night ended lovingly, very warm and close. He always text me goodnight, always but this night was definitely odd and it comes back to haunt me now. It was late and he text me, "I want to love you. I want to love you." And that was all. I remember I got chills when I read his words; they didn't "feel" normal. Why would he say he wanted to love me when he just spent two hours professing, quite genuinely I might add, his love for me? I look back at that moment and I know what he meant. He was foreshadowing to right now, seven months after our separation. He *wants* to love me but he can't- soul won't let him feel the intense emotion for me, not right now. Throughout this crazy twin soul "dance" we've done where he goes quiet for weeks then suddenly pops back into my life as if no time has passed, his love for me shining just as strong as it ever was, I have been shown a process of total "soul orchestration" otherwise known as "divine intervention." It is a process I will be explaining further in depth soon.
I read his tarot cards one night at his prompting. It was days after we made love for the first time and I knew there was something on his mind. Our love was intensely close, loving, passionate, new and adorable, and genuinely adoring. I could tell how much he loved me in how he waited until I was entirely ready. Somehow his soul knew that I needed to know he loved me completely and holistically before we were intimate, and I did- and I miss the love with my Joron. I miss his kisses and his embrace and his science pillow talk. The night I read his cards I think it freaked both him and me out: it clearly told me that he is an exceptional human being, joyful and childlike in his genuinely honest nature, but also that he was going to leave me. I pulled three cards for him, the last being his future card, and it is the only card in my deck that has no meaning attributed to it- it is blank but the image on the card is of looking forward. His angel card spoke to his career. He asked me to pull a card for "us" and I wanted to hug him for trusting me so much. The card for us was about blessings and how sometimes a situation may not seem the best but to try and see it from a different light.
Oh what an understatement that card turned out to be.
After the card reading we had a wave of emotion wash over the relationship and for a few days we heavily discussed a future together. After speaking with my sister and my closest friends I began thinking: why couldn't I move with my son? His dad would still see him, just in chunks of time instead of every other weekend. Why should we have to stay here... when I'd tried and tried to make it work when I was married and had a "family" yet my ex hadn't wanted to work with me? If I was to meet someone spectacular who loved me, and loved my son, then why keep that not only from me but from my child? Didn't he deserve to have a man in his life full-time who not only loved him but loved his mother? And Joron did love my son.
After meeting my son for the first time Joron spoke of him often and brought him little treats. Little Man was always sleeping when I spent time with my adorable boyfriend but one weekend Joron planned a "fun day" for the three of us, and it is one memory that brings tears to my eyes every time I think of it. Joron is an avid golfer and he took us mini golfing. Watching him so tenderly teach my little man how to golf resulted in me wading through the pool of melted butter that had once been my heart. We fed the baby alligators together. We shared lunch. We sat holding hands while my son giggled joyfully as he slid down the huge inflatable slide over and over and over... about a hundred times. I watched the two of them walk along together and I felt like I'd died and went to heaven: he was everything I'd ever asked for in a man. EVERYTHING. He told me how much he enjoyed my child. He told me he wanted to marry me and have a baby with me. He spoke my dreams, every one.
I'd never had a date in the city. No man I was with ever wanted to go to Chicago and I had this "dream date" in my mind that I knew one day would transpire- and of course it did with Joron. He took me to the city and we pub hopped, had dinner together at a snazzy little sushi restaurant, and we walked for miles along the river and through the city on a gloriously perfect September evening. He held my hand the entire night. He sneaked in kisses whenever he could. He took my picture by the river then text it to me at 2AM telling me he'd awoken thinking of me and needed to tell me how much he loved me. How happy he was that he met me and that I was his girlfriend. He told me again that he wanted me to be his future and how he couldn't wait to sleep next to me every night. Often he told me how much he wanted to kiss me every night. He told me, "Sushi at our wedding okay?"
The man seriously had me walking on air. And then I crashed. Six weeks into our relationship, while I was standing in front of a large group of people doing the first big work-related training session of my life, I got an email from him that literally changed my life. I was sleepless because for a few days I felt some type of impending doom {psychic here} and couldn't sleep. Neither could he. He'd text me the night before telling me again how much he loved me and wanted me to be his future, me and my son. During a break in my training I checked my email and there was a message from Joron saying, "I'm so sad because I'm leaving you..." In shock I read the remainder which told me that an old friend and coworker from Cali contacted him with a job offer- the career opportunity of a lifetime. Every single aspect in a dream job he previously told me he wanted was encapsulated in this one particular job; it was quite literally a science nerd's dream come true: prestigious university, buttloads of funding, excavations in exciting areas of the country, research... everything he'd asked for he received.
And he was on a plane that afternoon headed to sign the contract. I wanted to die. Here I was in front of a room full of people trying not to lose my shit and all I could do was look up and say very loudly in my head: "FUCK YOU. Yeah you, God. I don't know if you are trying to kill me or what but having me slowly mauled by a hungry rabid bear or ran over by a semi would feel a whole lot less painful than this shit! What-the-fuck-ever did I do to deserve this kind of torture?! I want to just die!!!" But I couldn't die, not then. I had to train this large group of people for the next two hours with a smile on my face and pep in my step, and I'll be damned if I didn't do so simply out of the sheer will to not let it beat me. I told myself as I stood there battling tears: you will not crack. you will do this thing. you are stronger than this- get through this training then get the FUCK out of here for the day... but you can finish this stronger than you started. this will not beat you.
I did wonder why The Divine chose THAT very moment to push out the tidbit of news that the love of my life planned to be on a plane to the West Coast in, oh, about an hour while I was standing in front of a group of people trying to be a responsible professional career woman. All I can think of is the story of my life: THAT WHICH DOES NOT KILL US MAKES US STRONGER.
And I'm not dead yet. And if this twin soul union hasn't killed me then... it's going to take a rabid drooling ravenous bear to do it, and do it right.
The man seriously had me walking on air. And then I crashed. Six weeks into our relationship, while I was standing in front of a large group of people doing the first big work-related training session of my life, I got an email from him that literally changed my life. I was sleepless because for a few days I felt some type of impending doom {psychic here} and couldn't sleep. Neither could he. He'd text me the night before telling me again how much he loved me and wanted me to be his future, me and my son. During a break in my training I checked my email and there was a message from Joron saying, "I'm so sad because I'm leaving you..." In shock I read the remainder which told me that an old friend and coworker from Cali contacted him with a job offer- the career opportunity of a lifetime. Every single aspect in a dream job he previously told me he wanted was encapsulated in this one particular job; it was quite literally a science nerd's dream come true: prestigious university, buttloads of funding, excavations in exciting areas of the country, research... everything he'd asked for he received.
And he was on a plane that afternoon headed to sign the contract. I wanted to die. Here I was in front of a room full of people trying not to lose my shit and all I could do was look up and say very loudly in my head: "FUCK YOU. Yeah you, God. I don't know if you are trying to kill me or what but having me slowly mauled by a hungry rabid bear or ran over by a semi would feel a whole lot less painful than this shit! What-the-fuck-ever did I do to deserve this kind of torture?! I want to just die!!!" But I couldn't die, not then. I had to train this large group of people for the next two hours with a smile on my face and pep in my step, and I'll be damned if I didn't do so simply out of the sheer will to not let it beat me. I told myself as I stood there battling tears: you will not crack. you will do this thing. you are stronger than this- get through this training then get the FUCK out of here for the day... but you can finish this stronger than you started. this will not beat you.
I did wonder why The Divine chose THAT very moment to push out the tidbit of news that the love of my life planned to be on a plane to the West Coast in, oh, about an hour while I was standing in front of a group of people trying to be a responsible professional career woman. All I can think of is the story of my life: THAT WHICH DOES NOT KILL US MAKES US STRONGER.
And I'm not dead yet. And if this twin soul union hasn't killed me then... it's going to take a rabid drooling ravenous bear to do it, and do it right.
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