"Letting Go"

"Let It Go" happens to be one of the top songs right now ever since the adorable Disney blockbuster "Frozen" came out in theaters.  "Frozen" is my son's first favorite movie.  We looped it during those long disastrously cold winter months- and one day I realized the song "Let It Go" suits my life perfectly!  Many people around me think I'm a little loopy for holding on to this man for so long.  Mind you had there been ultimately no contact over these last eight months then, yes, I probably would be moving on to other things... I'd at least be dating.  But since I have listened to the guidance of my soul Joron has continued to come closer and closer and I will not run.  I am committed to doing what I can in my heart, mind and soul to see this experience through to fruition- wherever fruition lands me.

The song "Let It Go" concerns letting go of the chains of the past.  For me in this twin soul experience "Letting Go" has never really meant letting go of my twin soul.  What it HAS meant is letting go of the idea that I can only find joy through Joron.  I've had to learn what co-dependency means... and it means pushing life to the side for a man.  It means only being able to breathe properly knowing that he is in my life.  Deriving any and all joy in knowing him- those are all codependent and unhealthy.  I've been forced through the hardest winter of my entire life trying to learn how to unearth joy whilst in the throes of sorrow, and I have pretty well figured it out.  God blessed me with a four-year old little angel of a son to help me through, though {a comment on my little man in a moment.}

I'm also letting go of any preconceived notions of what it means to be "me."  I am no longer haunted by who I used to be, that ghost of a woman who was defined by everyone else.  I've always been defined by how I seemed based off my past abuse: quiet, straight-laced, dorky, no fun.  My ex-husband, bless his soul, helped propagate this idea for me because he always said I am no fun.  I am too "serious."  He increased my discomfort and unease about myself... because really I am a light-hearted gal underneath all my old shit that came along with being an abused child and adolescent.  My ex-husband never took the chance to see that in me instead he always concentrated on the fact that I was too serious, too quiet, too "mature."  Or something like that.  One time some friends were smoking weed and I passed on trying any {this was way before we had our son.}  My ex said in front of everyone that I should go ahead and get high so I could actually be fun for once.  Those words stung for a while. It wasn't until I was blessed with my little boy that I could start being a child all over again, and this time in the right way- and then my joyfulness began to emerge... but my ex just couldn't see that, and it's okay.  He and I were not meant to stay together but we made a beautiful child with each other.

So for me "Letting Go" means to brush away what others think I am.  Or think I should be.  My family is having a hard time believing I can channel, or that I am really having this experience.  I have given up on trying to explain myself.  It may be weird to them but this is me, and the more I believe it myself then the more I will put myself out there.  It is time for me to let go of all those old chains that used to bind me.  I am no longer defined by the abuse.  The abuse is long gone.  "Little Rose" has grown up and is healed.  My twin soul helped me see all of those old fears that came along with being an abused child, and his purpose in being in my life is to love me enough to show me he has not let me go- but he has propelled me through fear by forcing a separation between us, a separation that has forced to me undo those old chains and be free.  I am letting go every day... and it has been quite a process.

I have let go of any sick attachments to my twin soul.  I know I can live without him although I don't wish to because we really do work well and love well together.  We could write books together and have already discussed this idea.  We mesh well in all ways, lol.  It would be silly not to be together once all the i's are dotted and t's crossed in this twin soul union.  I know I have a mission to take care of, and I think Joron is already fulfilling his mission in "ignoring" me and simply living his life.

But in "living his life" I want to comment on one other aspect of "Letting Go."  I used to feel jealous that he is off living in a bright warm lovely beautiful place while doing what he loves as his career.  Why should *I* be stuck here "alone" dealing with all this pain of our separation while he has his dream career in sunny California, his side-loves he can indulge in every evening or weekend... all these fun activities in a beautiful atmosphere and I am left suffering?  I used to get angry over that while I was out shoveling snow for the 537th time this past winter or while in the grips of pain over our separation.

And I had to let it go.  And I did this past weekend when I realized something important.  My twin is staying single.  When we spoke just a day or two ago I asked him if his "issues" have anything to do with wanting to date someone else, or being in love with someone else, or having a girlfriend.  He kind of chuckled and said no, not at all.  He is way too busy for any of that.  Immediately I felt bad for asking because I know love and monogamy are important to him so if he was seeing someone else he'd never be on the phone with me at 1AM telling me if I were with him he would not need an electric blanket because I'd be there keeping him warm.  He wouldn't be writing "I love you" and he wouldn't be saying those words to me.  He would not be sighing and saying, "I do miss you."  He's a one-woman man.  And he's not dating when he could- he's a handsome smart man living in a state full of tan beautiful women... and here I am 2100 miles away, a pasty-white corn-fed Midwesterner, lol.  Yet he loves me.  Do you understand what Spirit is trying to tell me?  Yes Rose- you can feel worthy enough to be held on to.  You are not being "let go."  You can believe it now... and while you're at it why not write it all out for others to read and maybe it can help heal their own twin soul separation?

And... I have my son.  This is an important distinction.  When I met Joron he held my hand and told me he really wanted to fall in love again because being in love is wonderful.  It was like he knew he'd fall in love with me, and he did- fast and hard and then his soul lead him away from me.  He is 2100 miles away from me and has... well, literally no love in his life besides us reconnecting from time to time, and our spiritual connection.  I can feel the sorrow in him from being separated from me.  And he'd met my son, and he's told me he loved being with us, and he's told me he wants a child with me.  I know deep down inside Joron is hurting from being separated from what he fell in love with last summer.  I have my warm cuddly oozing love little boy to snuggle up with.  My little man kisses me all the time and tells me I'm his sweet mommy.  He told me yesterday that I am "soooo lovely" except it came out, "Mommy you are soooooo wovely" and he said it as we were walking hand in hand and he pulled my arm close to him in a little hug.  I have all this love from my son that God blesses me with to help get me through this shitty separation... and my twin soul has his career, and his hobbies, and his buddies.  But he has no cuddly lovely warm gooey affection like I have with my son.

So any jealousy had to be let go.  There is no comparison between love and career.  I know my twin is lonely.  I know he misses me.  He misses "us."  I feel compassion for him because I can sense his sorrow, and his "issues" are because he just cannot understand what is going on.  How one moment he'd dying to see me and then next moment he's terrified- and much of his emotional swings I'm pretty darn tooting sure are helped along by my own frantic energy.  Letting go, at least for me, means letting go of any blame on anyone- me, my twin, my parents, my ex-husband.  Knowing everyone in my life is a mirror to show me what I need to heal and release.  Letting go is learning through the mirror of my twin soul that I must be calm and soothing in my energy- and this keeps my life in balance.  It also balances out this union with my twin.  Letting go has never meant for me to let go of the love I have for anyone- especially Joron.  And I love my parents, and I love my son's father.  And that is wonderful love.  But I love my twin soul like I love my son- it is a love that will endure any stress, any challenge.  It is unconditional love and I am trying me damnedest to feel it for all- and it's not the easiest thing to do!

I am rambling... but I know what "letting go" is.  And one thing I cannot, never will, let go of is the deep love I have for Joron.  I feel for him and wish for the day where he can experience the joy of knowing my wonderful adorable child.  I know in my heart that day is meant to happen- but I have to see this through with the purest of intentions and love in order to get us there.  Learning unconditional love means letting go of a lot... but it's all old shit that is meant to be let go of so the light can shine through and love can flow into the empty spots left behind from that which was cleansed and released.