Only Love... ONLY Love!

       “Yours is the light by which my spirit's born: - you are my sun, my moon, and all my stars.”
                ~ EE Cummings

I have an admission to make.  I've been mad at my twin soul.  I know unconditional love is truly so important in these connections yet I've been angry and resentful inside myself at him, and at Spirit.  My guidance warns me that "Inner words wound" yet I've continued to spew venom out at him in my head.  Why?  Well because I endured a large disappointment here recently and only until yesterday could I accept that the disappointment came from ME.  It could have been avoided {I'm pretty sure} but I... well I'll explain.  My description of what happened when Joron recently told me he was coming back to me so we could "talk about what to do about our love" but then he fell off the face of the earth again and hasn't been heard from since, well it could teach you a lesson or how to avoid your own disaster of getting your hopes up and then crashing them down yourself through your energy and thoughts and intentions.

Learn from me.  Please.  It makes me feel better knowing my "miss takes" may help another.

Also as an aside, I got banned from spiritualforums.net again.  First time was because I violated the vulgarity rule.  I fucking swear like a God damn sailor who drives trucks in the off season and I wrote "crap" or "BS" or something like that too many times so they suspended me for three days.  Well I violated the "copy paste" rule and just got kicked off for a month.  Those mods mean business!!  So I won't be on for a while.  I hope some still visit my blog!  If any of my friends at SF see this: please bump some of my last posts so maybe peeps will click on my link to my blog.  Thanks kindly :)

Spirit had told me to stop going on the forum for a while and I didn't listen; I'm not surprised that I got kicked off.  I think maybe I am supposed to work on the blog or write to help others, write an actual book.  I probably need some time away.  Also blogging helps me to work through my lessons to ensure I know and remember what I've learned.  I learned a bittersweet lesson with Joron recently.

A few months ago we reconnected and out of nowhere I was hit with fear, bad.  We'd been talking a bit, and I stayed calm in my communication with him.  On the inside though I FREAKED out.  In the course of a week I drank alcohol twice, lost my mind all week, and fear just coursed through me.  Ironically a friend and co-worker was vacationing right near Joron, 2000 miles away.  She sent me a message via FB asking me if I was okay.  She said she could "feel" me and knew I was upset.  She did this twice, and both times were when I'd been fearing HUGE.  Fearing what?  I'm not sure.  That he doesn't love me.  That he's choosing his career over me.  That none of the "twin soul" stuff is real and I'm just going nuts... that he stopped loving me and I've made it all up to convince myself otherwise.  TOTAL FEAR.  It occurred to me that Spirit was using my friend's FB messages to me to let me know: if SHE can feel your fear then imagine what Joron, your twin soul, is feeling from you right now?

At the end of my "Week of Fear" Joron finally wrote to me.  He did NOT write to me all week while I was spewing fear out into the universe... and one evening as I was fretting over him, trying to connect to Spirit and Spirit would not respond, he finally wrote me.  And it was ALL fear.  He said, "Sorry I didn't write all week.  Was busy with work.  That's me, a scientist who pushes everything off for his science.  I don't think you want that guy but don't think I can change."

Well... I KNEW damn well, immediately, that I was being tested.  Joron my "mirror," was reflecting my fears back to me.  He spoke my fears right to me, that his work was more important than me.  That while we used to email or text on and off all day while dating, that while he couldn't wait to hear from me when we were a couple... now he could go a full week and not even think to check his phone or respond to one email.  Low priority Rose... and I just did not believe it!  I knew he was mirroring my fears.  I responded lightly, ignoring the fear inside.  And Spirit said, "So how does it feel, the fear?  Feel good?"  I said nope.  Spirit said, "Then quit it.  When you dabble in fear you create monsters."  UGH- do you see, Dear Reader?  With Joron I cannot escape my fears.  He won't let me.  Not to mention I should have been "dabbling in" my art and "creating" goodness... or "dabbling in" writing and "creating" a lovely story- anything besides fearing all week long and creating a MONSTER from fear!

So two weeks went by with no contact at all.  In that time I got an idea for my writing {another post on that soon but I've been guided in every way, shape and form to write but I hadn't really started wholeheartedly} and I began writing in earnest.  I also went to hot yoga- tried doing what Spirit had told me instead of ignoring my guidance.  So two weeks into the silence I saw an advertisement for the remake of "Cosmos" and it screamed "Joron" to a point where I caved and sent him a small email asking if he was excited {Carl Sagan is important to him- he says Carl Sagan helped form the kind soul he is today.}  He immediately wrote back.  His response was enthusiastic, warm, inviting- 100% different from that cold sterile response he'd sent me two weeks earlier telling me he'd blown me off for work.  He thanked me for reaching out.  He was excited to hear from me.  He said he'd wanted to write to me but so much time had passed and he didn't know "how I'd react" but I reached out to him instead and was "The same old Rose" meaning that in my communication with him, written and verbal, I always maintain my loving demeanor. 

So we wrote a few messages back and forth.  He flirted, told me he missed me.  Told me he was coming back soon, for sure, and needed to see me.  Needed to teach me to golf like we'd missed out on while dating.  Told me he didn't want other men looking at me while at yoga, lol.  I went to yoga that night and prayed very hard while opening my heart.  As I was praying- Joron was writing to me, opening his heart as well.  I got home to find a long message from him that started with... "I have a few thoughts to share with you."  *weep*  He told me he wants a relationship with me but has "uncertainties."  Certain moments of unsure feelings.  He'd told me three time already that he was coming back and had avoided it due to his concerns over... me.  Not that he felt I was a burden just some uncertainties which I know are his fears- his "blocks" I send him, and his blocks through soul when I fear {the "imitation ignoring.}  He said that he loved me and thought of me every day.  He said that he wanted to come back and reconnect, discuss what to do about our love, take me out on a nice date to the city, hold my hand, make me smile, hear me laugh... and if I "still had a spark" for him- make love for hours and discuss our love over pillow talk.

This communication escalated over the next week.  A few four-hour long phone calls where he told me we'd worked past our issues because "We love each other so much."  He confirmed my thoughts on whether he had unconditional love for me: he does.  We talked of marriage and having a baby.  He text me how much he loved me, how we loved each other.  We shared intimacy over the phone and he whispered my name and said "I love you" like he so badly wished he was truly making love to me.  His desire, love and affection was ALL BACK.  He called me his girlfriend again.

Did you read that?  He called me his girlfriend.

We spent hours talking about when we met.  He detailed our first kiss, told me how he'd longed to kiss me, to plant one on me, and how when he did it was explosive.  Everything about us was so attuned to one another, so wonderful.  We laughed and shared and loved on the phone.  He told me he needed to get back and see me, and he knew he'd "melt" when seeing me.  He detailed all the things he wanted to do to me, with me... and they were sweet, warm, loving, explicit... inviting lovey dovey thoughts.  We discussed our naughty thoughts, our "fantasies."  We are so perfect for each other- it's like he's made for me... and made to cleanse me of all and any old issues.  He told me he wanted to make love to me every night, be near me always.  He begged me to stay on the phone.  He text me "I hate saying goodbye. I hate saying goodnight.  I met the perfect woman for me and look what I did- I left her and moved hundreds of miles away.  We have to figure out what to do about our love."  He spoke my dreams of taking me wine tasting, cooking me dinner, kissing me every morning, treating me like a princess while carrying his baby... he said, "Rose you deserve to be happy now."

And I so fucking do.  But I stopped writing, stopped doing yoga, stopped doing all the things that keep me strong and balanced and in high vibration... and let fear take over instead.  I could feel his... longing.  My sweet Joron.  This feels no better, our quiet, for him than it does me! 

It all scared the shit out of me and inside I screamed "DON'T RUN!  DON'T RUN!"  He asked me for, well, some visual stimulation and promised to make me a, er, "video" in return.  *blushing*  Even with all his sweetness I felt my fear increase over the next days... I doubted his words. I just... ugh.  I let all my old crap take over, my old program.  He asked me one night if I'd ever had a one night stand.  Here is a tip: never lie to a twin soul.  Don't lie in order to offer up this sterilized "perfect" version of yourself.  Why?  Because SOUL knows.  Soul is the one inspiring the questions, the "cleaning out" of old skeletons in the closet, those things over which we feel shame.  I lied and said no.  Stupid.  I felt ashamed of a few choices I made in the past so I lied.  Then later he asked, via email, my opinion of when people are dating should they date other people?  He said once he went on a date, asked for a second and was told she had a date with someone else that night.  He felt it was wrong... I think that's what dating is: sampling until you find the right one and commit.  He asked my opinion and wrote, "Be honest."  Well- I wasn't honest.  I told him a sterilized version of my truth, agreeing with him.  Begging him silently to love me, always.  Pretending to be someone I am not.  Not being genuine.  Screaming out to the universe: I am not good enough how I am!  He'll leave me if I am not perfect!  And the irony?  He text me that I am so genuine and pure and that's what he loves most about me.  I need to live up to that at all times.  Most of the time I am pretty genuine and pure- when I'm not scared senseless by love.  Why do you think I'm in a twin soul separation to begin with?  SO I STOP FEARING LOVE WILL LEAVE ME IF I AM NOT PERFECT!!!   I can't lie to him in order to make it seem like I am unflawed, golden and shining, worried he won't love me if I show him my imperfections. That's a throw back to my youth and an issue very strong I have to exorcise from the depths of me.  As I child I had to try to be "perfect" in order to escape abuse.  I vied in my youth to be as flawless as I could so I would be loved.  As an adult this tendency to "perfect" myself in order to live up to what I imagine are some man's expectations must STOP.  This is what Soul is showing me through my interactions with Joron.  Do you see?

A friend of mine was recently told by her strong guidance that "our souls work cleverly together" in these unions- cleverly they work together to heal us.

Lies are so so wrong in any union, especially wrong in a twin soul union.

And all of this FEAR is ridiculous nonsense because Joron LOVES me.  Like loves me despite the fact that we are opposite in our beliefs, loves me despite me telling him, an Atheist non-believer, that my angel told me he has an "addiction," loves me despite ALL... but I caved to fear.  Then I felt him begin to pull away- his emotions shift, and I've been through this so many times now with him that I can literally see the process happening before my very eyes.  It's so saddening. One night after we talked on the phone for hours he wrote to me and said, "I love you more than you love me.  I know this for sure."  That struck me as odd until I figured out he was feeling my fears, my distrust of him.  All bad mojo!!!   Next day I felt him move farther away.  He wrote to me that night and said he'd made me the video he promised but it wouldn't transmit.  Said he'd been messing with it for an hour and was tired and wanted to go to sleep.  He said, "I'm sorry.  I'll try again later.  I screamed your name at the end."  In my fearful state of mind I read his words and immediately thought "Liar!  You didn't make me a video.  You don't care about me.  I can do it for you but I'm not important enough for you to love me.  I'm so not a priority to you... liar!"  I later talked to a friend about this and she said, "Rose if you know your energy is strong, and Spirit has shown you that Joron can feel you very strongly, why would you send him that energy?  Especially when you know Spirit will mess with technology to nudge you?  He was probably trying and it couldn't go through for a reason- to push you to overcome all this."  So in short- I kinda crashed and burned.  But I learned.

Then the next night I fell asleep and he text me after I was sleeping.  He did that strange thing he does where he says, "I'm so sad you don't love me anymore.  I love you so much."

AND THEN HE ALWAYS GOES AWAY after he does that.  I swear to God it's like he FEELS my fear and it translates to "She doesn't love me" and he gets afraid and off he goes.  I swear he felt my mean inner words, my "liar!"  And he went pretty quiet.  And this was RIGHT before he was supposed to come back to see me.  I got a short message, like some random link, and a "TTYL" instead of the "I love you.  I miss you.  I want you to be my future" like I had a week prior.  I felt it, saw it, knew it and was freaking out inside.  I finally broke down and commented on the silence.  He wrote back, "I'm just busy cramming for my trip.  Don't be mad or offended at my quiet." <--- total words from Spirit.

And those were his last words to me... about two months ago now.  I know Spirit was giving me a warning, don't be mad at HIM for his quiet.  We had solid plans to meet.  I had a sitter arranged.  A weekend planned.  My hopes were SO up.  Do you have any idea how badly I want to put my arms around that man's neck and just hug him?  Look into those sparkling blue eyes and just whisper "I love you?"  I don't want discussion.  No apologies.  I just want HIM.  We planned our dates, had discussion of the fun stuff we'd shove into two days... and he fell off the face of the earth.  I text him.  I sent him the most fabulous photo I've ever taken of myself... I emailed.  I was sweet.  I was helpful.  I asked him gently to please not be scared.  Not block me out... and I knew inside it was all a moot point.

And the joke's on me.  No amount of 3D "wiles" as my guidance calls it, will call back a twin soul once that block comes into play.  I mentioned that I arranged to have a child-free weekend.  I said, "Please just let me know something.  Even just that you are okay."  Nothing.  Nada.  Zilch.  Total and complete silence.

I'd stopped channeling for a week or so but one night I woke to my iphone playing music.  By itself.  If you think any of this is untrue then think again.  My iphone turned on, turned on Pandora, and changed the station from Phillip Phillips to Trampled by Turtles.  One loves to be awakened at 12:15 AM {same exact time Spirit woke me to music the last time too} to bluegrass music.  Well Soul uses the term "valley" to mean a low point for me, and "hillsides" to mean my highs.  The song playing?  Yeah- it was called "Valley" off an album called "Trouble."  I didn't want to pay attention to that message but I knew deep down inside I was not going to hear from Joron.  And I didn't.  And I haven't now for weeks.  And yes it hurts, badly.   

And I've been silently angry.  I've tried to accept it, work through it... but the longer he is quiet the more I freak out.  I am sad.  I am upset.  I got angry with him but thankfully I had enough willpower not to shoot out a venomous email.  I reached out a few times but I got nothing.  It's like it was when he initially cut off from me.  The silence is palpable, and it's not very golden to tell you the truth BUT it has definitely made me see more clearly.  I can only look in the mirror and know it was MY fear that pushed him away.  I don't want anyone out there to try and placate me with, "Oh Rose he has his issues too.  It's all about Divine timing..." because I know I can derail and I did when he told me he was coming home.  I am trying hard now to realize where I went wrong and use that awareness to my advantage.  Some key point to consider:

• Never lie to your twin soul.  Never.  Soul knows what you are doing even if your 3D love does not. 
• When a twin reconnects- be gentle and loving and tell him from your heart through your thoughts that you trust him.  TRUST him.
• Stay in high vibration.  If you get contact then bust your ass even harder to stay balanced and in high-vibration.
• DO NOT FEAR
• DO NOT THINK "Don't run!" because all he feels from you is "RUN!"  Fear energy.         

Before he dropped off the face of the earth again he sent me a message.  He said his pet name for me is "Strawberry Fields."  She is a character from a movie, and she is the sweetest, kindest most loving role ever.  I looked up a video of the character.  He said he thinks of me this way... the man adores me.  He wants to be with me so badly.  I know this and must own it now.  *I* am keeping us apart, and I don't want it any longer.  I must stop fearing, must clean up some lingering crap- and move forward.

The silence is not easy.  But he feels me, and I've been mad, upset, resentful.  Not listening.  "Inner words wound."  I'm sure he's felt each and every one of my mean thoughts, gotten hit with the imaginary emails I write to him telling him off for ignoring me: just because I don't sit and write it in 3D does NOT mean he doesn't feel it.  He feels it and stays silent, a bigger, deeper darker chasm between us growing.  I've told goodbye in my mind a few times here lately, and I have to stop because my love feels me so strongly.  You know how he feels me?  Through soul.  Soul ensures he feels it.  Somehow, and I don't entirely understand the mechanics of this, he feels my fear so I am forced to heal it.  Either that or when I shoot out fear that is when he "turns off."  Or- I think he actually turns off from my fear.  Only when I am calm and stable does he come back... and this, for me, is all about becoming whole, stable, healthy and rid of all old fears {and this is for another post but it's so I can be healed for The Shift.}  I have no way out unless I want to remain in fear and separated from Joron forever.  And that would be Hell, and tragic because our love is amazing. 

I don't want this separation.  These unions are not easy but they force us to own our shit.  Unconditional love is so so necessary.  No resentment, no fear, no spite because they feel it all, and they stay blocked from us when we shoot that shit out into the universe.  I am so... hurt knowing he may have come back to his hometown and managed to avoid me.  Can you imagine my heartbreak?  But it's not his fault.  I can't be angry with him, and I have to forgive myself.

Here's the woman he says reminds him of me in the video below; it reminds me of a "reunion."  Sweet, kind, loving, caring, compassionate and nurturing.  That is the REAL me he knows I am in his heart and soul.  I'm done with my derailment and ready to get back on track.  I do love him like this, full and true.  He's done nothing wrong... he's being my twin.  My helper.  My love.  I love my Joron.  I hope I hear from him soon not because I'll only love if I hear from him but because I miss him.  I love him.

As an aside, not many will believe you when you try to tell them a situation such as this.  Most would say, "He's an asshole!  Just forget him!"  Even a well-know twin soul guide that many people talk to told me "He's just a runner- it's nothing you did."  Well I feel I know my own situation better than anyone else, and I can see where my fear derailed my progress.  But don't bother trying to get others to understand {although God has blessed me with a few who do believe me and support me- others think I'm off my rocker.}  Now I just smile and say, "I still love him."  Let them all think I'm a whack-a-doodle... I *know* in my heart the real truth; this man loves me more than any other man has ever loved me.  It was and pure, genuine and a love to be respected.  He radiates love when he comes through to me; it's still that pure true love.  Yes it is surreal.  Yes it is hard to believe- BUT THE DIVINE IS IN CONTROL.  Most people will think in 3D which is "Fuck 'im!"  Hell- even I'VE been feeling that in my head- but here is the kicker... how can I have resentment towards a man who is agreeing through his soul to stay away from the one he truly loves?  I know from the depths of my heart he wanted to come back and reconnect with me.  He wrote me many emails telling me so.  He was up at 3AM unable to sleep because somehow, some way, his fear was quieted and his love came through.  I know what the silence is- it is fear mirrored through our twin souls.  When I turn him into a monster in my mind he does the same about me.  Some type of strong fear overcomes him and he stays silent.  And the total shitter is I send him the fear.  It's a vicious circle that we all need to break.  Love only.  NO fear. 

No fear.  Only love.