The Purpose of "Ignoring" Is For Healing

My guidance is pretty adamant that I get this out now so here I go.  The purpose of being ignored by a twin soul is for healing.  Bottom line.  No one wants to believe this, let alone me.  I've been shown over the course of the last seven months how the silence of a "runner" {who I like to think of as "The Healer" in my case} is to HEAL.  How?  He forced me to face my fears head on.  There was no escaping my fears once I met my twin soul and he separated from me.

My soul calls the silence "imitation ignoring."  He does not want to be out of contact with me, and I do believe this is the case with many twins who go silent, and if you are reading this blog then you have probably experienced the phenomena of a strong love suddenly falling off the face of the earth, going totally silent.

Seven months later, after being terrified when he ran, I no longer have the old nasty gnawing FEAR inside of me.  My fear used to feel like a huge drooling ravenous monster lived inside of me.  I was afraid of life in general, and I really feared that I was no loveable enough for people to really like me.  I even worried that I annoyed my friends.  I worried I was a bad neighbor, that I didn't see my grandmothers enough.  I worried that I was a "bad mom" because I am not PERFECT.  Even though I'd already been through hard core healing in order to kill some of my fear it took meeting my twin soul to slay that monster that lived inside of me.  When it came to love, romantic love, I was terrified that I'd never meet someone who would truly love me.  All those old conditioned responses towards love that came from my traumatic childhood were stuck down deep inside of me and they were normally kept under wraps... until I fell in love.  Real love, hard love.  That love where when you meet someone you love him so much that the first thing you do is worry he might leave.  I always feared I'd be left behind, abandoned.  Forgotten.  Ran away from.  I worried the man would get bored with me so I often tried to reinvent myself just a little bit to suit my love- to "make" him love me more.

Once when Joron and I argued and split up for a few days he wrote something to me that startled me.  He wrote, "You made me fall in love with you."  Those words were not on accident.  His words hit me with a wave of FEAR: see he doesn't really love me.  I MADE him love me.  It wasn't his choice because no one could just love me on his own.  It was a stupid fear.  I always worry that I am somehow not genuine while in truth I am ALL genuine.  I worried that I was not "good," not pure, not truly this glowing ball of God-love energy that Spirit always tells me is the real me.  Not the me I fear but the REAL me.

So what happened?  Well when he left and went quiet he thus turned into my biggest fears.  This is how Spirit works when it comes down to brass tacks.  We, those of us who are Lightworkers and especially those of us who have twin soul energy, will be forced to be cleansed from the inside out of all our deepest fears, and Joron did this for me by becoming the human manifestation of my largest darkest fears.  My journey, and many of yours Dear Readers, concern a battle with FEAR.  FEAR and LOVE are the two energies that govern this existence, and LOVE should be stronger than fear.  Fear needs to loosen its grip, and God is ensuring this is happening around the globe.

When my guidance started telling me that his ignoring was not his choice but a role he was playing by listening to his soul in order to propel me through my healing I tried to listen but it was very unbelievable.  As I fought to understand and trust that this is a process of healing my EGO {Easing God Out} screamed: don't believe it!  He just left you!  He doesn't love you!  Bwah ha ha!  How could he?  You knew all along this would happen.  What ensued was a battle between my ego and my heart and my soul was the referee.  My soul constantly counseled me through my fears and tried to calm me.  But without any proof, and this is important, it was a hard truth to hold on to.

And THEN the contact came from Joron.  That first contact shocked me because I had assumed he was gone forever... and for him to still be thinking of me, unable to let me go... almost made me kind of believe what soul was telling me.  Why in the world would he even want to contact me?  He had an easy out- he was 2100 miles away and could just drop me like a hot potato and never have to deal with me again yet here he was actually thinking of me, expressing thoughts like, "I wish I could kiss you every night."

Yet still I feared.  His communication came in spurts, and at first it was VERY cold.  No emotion.  It was monstrous to me that this man who had such love for me at one time now emailed me and there was no LOVE there.  I could sense no love in his words when I longed for something, some dose of affection from him.  At times he would hit me with this fear of "You are only attraction to me," and that was a huge fear I had to overcome.  His words were so cold and scary to me that I would cringe when I checked my email because I was SCARED to hear from him.  He was never ever mean, just sterile and for me, a glowing ball of Love Energy, sterile communication is pure Hell.  He'd send me short blunt messages that made me... just sit in amazement wondering where the man I fell in love with went to.  How could he have just stopped loving me.  Now mind you he never once told me he didn't love me, and he never once told me he wanted me out of his life.  Never once did I read that he was dating someone else, and he never said, "I just want to be friends."  He also never came out and said, "I want to fuck you okay?" or anything vulgar or rude.  Nothing I could put my finger on as being hateful, vicious or abusive.  Never.  It was always just my own insecurities being tested through his lack of prior warmth that I had become so used to, so enamored with.

I missed my loving, compassionate and empathetic boyfriend so much it made me want to vomit.

One day, and I am glossing over this just to offer a quick summary and then I will fill in details later, I stood at my table and felt the fear washing over me.  But I was also overcome with a vision of Joron and me in Chicago on our date.  He'd held my hand all night long, and I do mean all night.  He barely let go of my hand.  We were going into a revolving door to leave a pub and he pulled me into his space in the door and kissed me hard as we were leaving.  His chuckle and grin in doing so was so endearing and warm, and he said to me, "Do I embarrass you?  My affection?"  I remember being in a love fog because this man was so surreally PERFECT for me, and I looked at him and said, "No Joron you don't embarrass me.  You are perfect."  That memory hit me like a ton of bricks, and I got angry.  Not angry at HIM but angry that I was being forced to learn the hard way.  Upset that I had to endure this fucking HELL on earth in order to heal.

And I knew deep down in my soul that this man who emailed me all sterile and cold was NOT the man I fell in love with.  In my bones I had this knowing that even though I didn't understand the mechanics behind how soul can "shut off" a person's emotions I was still, despite not understanding, experiencing it.  MY LOVE WAS NOT A MONSTER.  Joron was NOT someone I should fear, and the fact that this love, this relationship, this union, had been reduced to me cringing in fear when I saw that little red number one hovering over my email app, made me really pissed off.  I fucking knew with everything inside of me that I was being tested by Spirit, and it didn't feel good.  I knew I was going to have to get stronger.  Indigence swelled in me and I stood there with his memory in mind, that sweet warm loving kind man of just months before and I told the universe: I don't believe you.  I do NOT believe that this man is REAL.  Not this one.  Not this cold monster you are pushing on me in order to defend the love we had.  I know what you are doing... you are forcing me to face my fears through him so fine.  Kick my ass if you will but I am telling you that I do not accept this person as the real Joron.  Nope.

I said out loud, "I'm done being afraid of this man.  He is not a monster.  He is my love."  Ha, I literally stood there talking to God, legs spread and firmly planted on the ground like, "Just try me."  It was probably my first moment of fighting for my truth and standing tall against my fears.  This is not to say I did not have any more weak moments but it did instill in me a sense of... knowing this was all for a purpose even if I didn't understand or know when my love might come back to me.  I still had huge fears that he just stopped loving me but the signs, the reality of the situation, began pointing to some strange "process" of pushing all the shit out of my through using my love as a catalyst for change.

And they say the Lord works in mysterious ways.  No fucking kidding.

I got all pissy after that and told my soul, you think you are so smart.  I'll make him contact me.  Joron really is magically attracted to me and it's something I still marvel over.  When he is "on" he is ON.  His love is strong and true, and his desire is high.  Over this strange course of testing me he, once or twice, asked me to send him sexy videos but whenever he did it sent my fear alert into high gear.  I would think, "Oh he only wants contact to he can get off."  Finally I realized I was being made to face that old fear of being worthless, and I knew it had something to do with being exposed to really raunchy pornography in early childhood.  Something about sex and my worthiness as a women in love was misfiring in my brain and it made me fear his attraction to me.  Somehow, even though I'd always prayed for a man who truly desired me in all ways, his attraction to me freaked me out. Once he ran and would ask for something sexy it crashed me down and made me feel like... YOU WERE RIGHT ALL ALONG!  He doesn't really love you- he only wants you as stimulation.  Stupid huh?  This attractive and intelligent man who lives in California where all the hot, tan and gorgeous women live... was contacting me from 2100 miles away asking to see me because, well, he missed seeing me but here I was freaking out.  It was something inside of me, a quirky fear, that I had to face.

Before I faced it I tried to get his attention by sending him a few videos of me.  I though... I'll show you soul.  I'll get him to respond to me.  He always said something in the few cases when I'd send him a picture or something so I got all prettied up, showed him what I knew he'd like, and I sent him a message telling him if he wanted to see more to let me know.  I felt all smug and "I've got you..." and, ha, yeah- it didn't work.  His response to me was so strange and not him that it made me laugh in exasperation of just how controlled this situation had come to be.  He got my message and wrote back, not even in full sentences... and it's funny but when Joron is really Joron, not watered down turned off by soul Joron, he is very aware of his writing.  He likes to watch his grammar; I think he's somewhat intimidated by my writing so he likes to flow; he's warm and conversational, full sentences and there is emotion fueling his words.  But when he's "cold"  and off his writing is choppy and blunt.  Hear me out here- when he is turned off and he writes to me I can feel the "forced" non-emotion there.  Does that make sense?  Like imagine you were told to write something really shitty to someone you loved.  Wouldn't it be hard?  You'd fight for the words, struggle to the point where it would almost feel forced.  That's how his "cold" messages are, and if you read back earlier you would have seen that in the first message he sent me after he ran he wrote, "Enjoy the cold," and I STILL think that was a play-on-words compliment of Spirit.  In response to the videos I sent him he wrote something like, "Nice vids.  I want to see more.  Busy though so I probably won't respond for a while."

He totally blew me off.  Even added that nice little bit of, "I'm so busy right now and you don't mean enough to me for me to fit in a response to you.  Sorry."  GOD.  So exasperating to have every single fear pushed and prodded and brought to light through mirroring!!!  

They were hot videos.  Like super hot, could be living in the Bunny Ranch hanging out with Hugh hot.  Red corset and thigh high stockings, makeup done, hair long and sexy... under any other normal circumstances those videos would have had him in heart attack mode yet his response was cold and unaffected.  I was... frustrated yet resolved.  I was shown there was really nothing I could do, no amount of 3D manipulation, no conniving, no seducing- nothing disingenuous was going to win my love back.

Realizing that The Divine is truly in control, that God is the one in power, can be... really annoying.  I knew his attitude towards me was being perfectly orchestrated to show me I needed to face these fears of being unworthy.  Basically I was shown this: I thought he had stopped loving me.  I thought he fit the bill of all my fears, that he left just as I knew he would.  I was abandoned emotionally like I had been as a child.  When he left I just knew no one would ever love me.  Even Joron left and didn't find me worthy enough to stay in love with me.  I was THAT easily forgettable that it only took two weeks for him to bolt.

But then... it was shown to me that this relationship... was unreal.  The LOVE was real.  The expereince, the Hell on earth ignoring, was FAKE.  Let me try to express this in the right way... I had to see, experience and BELIEVE that he honestly, deep down inside, still loved me but the divine was using him, his silence, as a big lesson for me to face down my fears.  When he wrote back the totally lackluster response to my attempt at seducing him... I threw my hands up in the air and said, "You win.  I see it.  I see it.  This is not the real him.  The real him would be buying a plane ticket and coming home tomorrow.  The real him would be on the phone with me right now telling me how much he loves me and wants to kiss and hug me and make copious amounts of love to me.  This is so not fair but I can see that it is not really him.  I know he's in there somewhere though.  God dammit."

The next time he wrote to me and asked me for a sexy video I looked at the email then looked up to the sky.  I said, "I'll send one but this is the last time I'll do it like this.  I don't accept this any longer.  It's not him.  You are testing me and I know he loves me.  Don't ever have him just reach out to me out of nowhere asking for a video because I will tell him to fuck off, so don't test me anymore."

And he never did again.  And in facing that fear I got stronger.  Do you see the process?  Do you understand where I am going with this?  Every time I was forced to own my truth I erased some of my old fear.  It disappeared.  I slayed the monster.  As I came to realize that this man actually did love me, no matter the circumstances, I became stronger because I knew in my heart that all those old fears about myself were bogus, shitty and untrue.

I AM loveable.  I am more than worthy.  I am a kick ass amay-zing mother.  I am a wonderful loving friend.  I am an affectionate caring lover.  I am an all around genuinely good woman.  God uses me as a channel to spread peace and healing... it was time to just STOP the madness, and this is why Joron left me.  This is why the silence ensues.  This is the purpose behind the ignoring.  To push me, constantly, to own my truth.  To heal me.  Joron is fulfilling the role he agreed to before we came here together, were literally born together in the same space at the same time, to help heal me. 

It is not easy.  I cannot imagine how someone who does not hear spiritual guidance like I do can survive an experience like this.  It has come close to taking me out and I can HEAR my soul.  For those of you out there who are dealing with the Hellish loss of love in your life, who are enduring a twin soul separation, please know it is for a purpose.  Listen to me as I relay the guidance of my own soul because it is the same energy that resides inside of you, and these messages are for you as much as they are for me.  I am just the channel.  It is not that you are not loveable- it is that your twin loves you so much he or she has sacrificed love in order to save and heal you.  And it hurts.  My guidance says that we need to understand that "the ignoring it a role of healing."  That the Hell on earth has a purpose and the purpose is to get us to stand up to the old fears.  Face them down.  You are worthy.  You are LOVE. And your twin is trying to show you this through mirroring... which is another post to come.  It is all about them showing us our fears so we can slay those old monsters.

About five weeks ago my love wrote to me and told me that I am the most genuine and pure woman he's ever met, and that it is a rare find in a person.  He wrote, and I quote, "I do believe this is what I love most about you, your genuine and pure nature."  Do you see what happened when I tried to listen to soul?  As I allowed the process to play out?  His true nature and his heart come out in him.  I am so far from perfect believe me.  He is quiet again but I feared again, and until I lose my fear entirely... we will both remain immobilized and not moving forward.  These are not easy relationships.  My soul tells me, "No stone will remain unturned."   Soul tells me the ignoring is a hard pill to swallow, ha ha ha.  Belief must be strong.  Fear must be eradicated.  And LOVE must prevail.