It is my personal journey of
overcoming fear and doubt to find utter and complete trust, faith and belief in
the divine and myself that has brought me right here, gathering my thoughts,
sorrow and progress to write this account of spiritual healing that many will
find somewhat unbelievable in its, at times, strange wonderfulness. A lifetime of residual pain surfacing to be
faced finally, long-held deep-seated fears of emotional abandonment and
rejection being pulled out and expelled, faced and showed down, through this
gut-wrenching soul union. Through the
seemingly inhumane “ignoring” that is part of the running phase. I’ve been taught strongly from above that
“God” or The Divine, uses us, human beings, as instruments of peace and
healing- and the epitome of this is the twin soul union as I, a mere nine
months ago, was soon to find out.
I met Joron on my fortieth birthday, a
blue moon. Literally. My fortieth birthday fell on a blue moon, and
our first date happened to take place on my birthday because I’d cancelled our
first date which had been scheduled for the week before. Embarrassing to say the least, the week
before our date I’d text him and told him I could not meet him because he
wasn’t a Christian and “God” wanted me to be with a Christian. This was due to a moment of fear creeping
over me telling me that because I’d never had a man in my life who was
interested in being two halves of a whole, a real couple, I needed someone with
whom to share my religion… but in concentrating on religion I forgot about my
heart, someone to share my HEART was oodles more important that coupling with a
man who would attend services with me.
Normally I pride myself on being open-minded and unconditional but
throughout life as I progress in my spiritual journey I am often tested or
challenged to expand my mind and my heart even further and meeting Joron
definitely urged me to understand the concept of not defining a person by a
label but instead through heart.
Religion and I have had a very strange
relationship over the years, unsteady.
I’ve spent many years being stripped off the indoctrination of religion
and my knee-jerk response to his Atheism was a throwback to my days of allowing
the role of religion to overpower my heart or good intentions and clear
thought.
The Sunday before we met I saw a man at
church with his two little girls.
Approximately my age he worshipped together with his kids and my heart
tugged at me; I’d always wanted someone to share important aspects of my life
with me instead of always being alone. I
always felt alone even while married.
Ironically I’d never seen the man before, and after that one service
which inspired me to cancel a date with a dear who turned out to be the love of
my life, I never saw that man again.
Coincidence? I think not- my
fears, beliefs and truth were being tested by soul. Seeing him made me cower and I later text
this new sweetheart, my gem, and told him I couldn’t meet him because he I was
“meant to be with a Christian.” This
came on the heels of him admitting to me that it was hard for him to date due
to being an Atheist because, get this, women always judged him for his Atheism
instead of noticing him as bright shining light of goodness and love. I’d assured him I wasn’t like most women
*snort* and then I kicked him in the teeth.
My text elicited nothing but silence on
his end and for a moment I felt relief.
I’d definitely acquired an immediate strong attraction to him even from
afar and I think because I’d experienced such strong soul mate relationships in
my past that had brought me both a mixture of bliss and sorrow I noticed this
connection in us and it scared me. Soul
mate love is amazing but it can also be painful because it often is used to
teach lessons, and those lessons, for me, always seemed to include heartache
and letting go. Between Joron and I,
through our strong communication and magnetic attraction, I recognized this
soul mate energy and frankly it scared the shit out of me so I ran from
it. But after a week of not
communicating with him I already felt like some special gift was missing from
my life and nervously I text him apologizing and telling him I still would
really like to meet him if he’d forgive me.
I recall holding my breath wondering if he’d even respond. He did.
He said, “Who is this? I know it
can’t possibly be my friend because you can’t be friends with an Atheist.” Ugh.
Double ugh. I’d never felt like
more of an asshole that right at that moment.
He went on to say he’d been disappointed by my reaction for two reasons,
one because he’d been reassured by my seeming unconditional loving personality
yet I then went on to judge him like the rest of the women he’d met in the
past, and second because he’d been excited to meet me and when I cancelled our
date he was sad. Thinking back to that
moment makes my heart ache because had I know then what I know now I would have
relished in the opportunity to meet him, ran to him like a moth to a flame. I nearly walked away from my Destiny out of
fear. Think about that- I could have ruined a defining moment in my life,
meeting my one and only true love who has helped heal me of the oldest
crustiest fears that have been dwelling in the depths of me for years, because
of residual “beliefs” concerning religion, of all things. The thought that I almost allowed fear to
prevent our fated meeting and subsequent falling majorly in love makes me
shudder. Instead, true to form, he
overlooked my initial reaction and we planned to meet.
To celebrate my passage into the forth
decade of life my sister took me for lunch to our favorite Chinese buffet. Since my birthday did fall on a blue moon, a magical sign that hinted at wonders to
come {and oh I had noooo idea!} we decided that dining at our favorite
Chinese buffet was the best way to celebrate. I ended up with two fortune
cookies while enjoying lunch, the messages in each now burned into my memory like glowing embers that land on fluffy
cotton. Little did I know then just how important a role those messages
would play in these last five turbulent months of life since my birthday has
passed. “You have a magnetic personality but be aware of your polarity”
was the first one, and the second was magical, like a tiny little written birthday gift all wrapped up in a sweet crunchy
cookie shell, “You are important enough to ask and blessed enough to receive.”
You are important enough to ask and blessed
enough to receive. I’d been on a spiritual
journey for the last ten years and I knew that despite life’s ups and
down, steep mountain tops to deep valley highs and
lows, I definitely would ask and receive. There’s that saying, “Be
careful what you ask for,” and while it is an important creed I also know that
no matter what I ask for, wayward or not, Spirit always find a way to make my
lessons work.
A big example: two years earlier I asked
God to help me change my life by the time I was forty. Married but very
lonely with an almost two year-old son almost
immediately after I asked my life changed, propelling me forward in a manner I
never expected. A year later my marriage was about over, I’d met new friends, lovers and confidants whose connection
with me was nothing short of magical, and I knew I was being divinely guided.
A little example: I'd asked God to introduce me to a perfect soul
mate, a man who loved like I do, someone I could be excited to meet... a
man who would sweep me off my feet. And I had that date later that
evening, on my birthday, with that man, Joron. You, dear reader, may want to
pay attention here: "Sweep me off my feet" is the understatement of
the century as it pertains to my blue moon birthday date as you will soon find out right here.
It’s important to note here, though,
that I did ask God to change my life by the time I was forty and here I sat,
now forty years old, fortune cookies in hand. One message about being blessed
which I truly did appreciate but then there was the one about polarity.
“You have a magnetic personality but be
aware of your polarity.” I have a personality that draws people in.
I am a people person. I can talk to
anyone and everyone is my friend. It wasn’t always like that for me but
my days of being mousy and quiet were in my past and now I could strike up a
conversation with any cashier or waitress or hotel clerk and I often did.
It was the polarity part that threw me. I pondered that for a
moment. What did polarity actually mean? According to The American heritage Dictionary polarity is as follows:
po·lar·i·ty
n. pl. po·lar·i·ties
1. Intrinsic polar separation, alignment, or orientation, especially of a physical property: magnetic polarity; ionic polarity.
2. An indicated polar extreme: an electric terminal with positive polarity.
3. The possession or manifestation of two opposing attributes, tendencies, or principles: political polarity.
Well the Lord does work in mysterious
ways and I was to come to find out that The Divine was giving me a huge forewarning of
the roller coaster ride I was about to embark on, a journey
that would continue to help me fulfill what I’d asked of God two years earlier:
please change my life by the time I am forty. Please cleanse my heart
Lord, mold my mind to become like yours, and tear down these walls around my
heart. That is really what my plea was to God twenty four months
earlier. Yes I desired love in my life but if I thought I already
knew about love boy was I mistaken because I was about to get hit over the head,
in oh about six hours, with the metaphysical version of a two by four of true
cosmic divine love. But beyond love, beyond a different living situation,
deep down inside I was asking God to enlighten me, finally. To help me
ascend and to show me my life’s purpose. Held in my hand was a huge hint
of what God had planned for me. A message about polarity: opposites,
separation, division. “What therefore God has joined together, let not
man separate” can apply to the nature of interpersonal relationships in
general, to humanity, because the last months of my life I have learned on
a very personal level that we are all one, and that is how God intended it to
be. Division should not exist.
I believe that we each have a soul
purpose here on earth, and it is a role we chose before we landed here in our
newly born infant bodies. I believe that teaching and guiding others is my
soul purpose here on earth, and sharing my soul quest is part of my
journey. To say it has been an
interesting journey would be a gross understatement. Battling to overcome
adversity and fear through love, magic and divinity
is the journey I have been on and while it has been incredible the journey, my spiritual quest, has not been easy. I have strong divine guidance that has
taught me a multitude of amazing lessons, teachings and truth, and it is a
truth I am meant to share which I am doing here. My journey has been one
of change and growth. There has been heartache and sorrow and there has
been bliss and joy. Through it all God has guided me, taken me by the
hand even in times when I felt most alone and pointed me in the right direction
which is one of solidarity and fellowship with my fellow man.
Since I am here, dear reader,
concentrating on this loaded word of G-O-D, and because this is a word you will
come across many many times over the course of these pages, allow me to take a
moment to explain to you my intention behind this word that has more polarity
fueling it than the northern lights. As you will come to find out here
soon I am not here to debate whether or not God exists, I’ll save that for
argument for someone whose soul purpose is to stretch minds in manners beyond
what I’m meant to do. I could use a multitude of different words to
explain God and I do: God, Spirit, The Divine, and Soul are usually what you
will see as I explain my path. “Spirit” is a comfy all-encompassing word
to me, like the “Holy Ghost” I grew up with as a Catholic.
I could call this marvelously kind,
loving and oftentimes unconventional divine energy I’ve grown to trust in a variety
of different names: Jehovah, Brahma, Shiva or Zeus and in all cases my
intention would be one of utmost respect but in my world I refer to the divine
energy that surrounds and enfolds us as God. I also refer to God as “Him”
because it is what I know which offers me comfort yet in reality I consider God
to be a genderless non-being energy, like the magnificent waves of the aurora
borealis. The Goddess, All That Is, The Universe, The Creator, The Light,
and maybe George Lucas had it right with his coining of the term “May The Force
be with you.” In my estimation God is
the be all and end of love force in the world, and these are all suitable terms
I’ve heard to explain God; they are all excellent attempts to define the
indefinable. For me, and for the sake of this quest, “God” is the term
that holds the most comfort and familiarity for me. It is never my intention to
dictate how one should view the divine creator. Nor is it my intention to
dictate that you must even believe in
a divine creator; some people base their fundamental life structure and moral
code on science and the universe, on a firm conviction that there is no God but
instead an open void that is filled with physics and energy. And as far
as I am concerned that is fine as well- we all are the same despite our beliefs or non-beliefs. Just
because one does not believe he has a soul doesn’t mean he lacks that divine
connection to God.
There should be no division in
humanity. Polarity is a fictitious creation that creates separation, segregation
and derision between the masses. Together we are empowered but separated
we are weak; the motto “United we stand, divided we fall” holds much credence.
Unless we are united we are easy to destroy.
As I said in my first post, months ago
Spirit explained my life to me using an analogy of a butterfly. I was
told that the first part of my life, pre-forty, was like that of a
caterpillar. I was creeping slowly along, close to the ground and afraid
to fall. Staying close to the ground meant hitting bottom would not hurt
as bad as if I was flying high. But there would come a time where I would
endure a metamorphosis, and endure it would be- a painful transformation of
sloughing away fear and doubt like scraping stubborn barnacles of the bottom of
a ship. I would be wrapped in a chrysalis of change only to tentatively
emerge as a butterfly, coming forth to see the world through different eyes, a
vision free from the limiting veils of “reality.” And it would be my time
to soar. And soar I would. Soar and, as you will find out here soon
enough, dive to levels of despair I didn’t even realize were possible. Yet in these last seven months, despite
experiencing a level of pain I didn’t know existed, I have managed to overcome.
The last thing I did before I walked out
the door for my first date with Joron was to consult with my spiritual
guidance. I sat and asked, “Why am I
meeting him, an Atheist?” Our
differences in faith still concerned me even though it should not have. I was told the following: “Walls will fall. Hearts will melt. This one is a gem. Cherish him.”
Sounds promising, right? Well the
last word that was channeled to me was, “nemesis.” Just “nemesis” with no explanation. Nemesis?
As in he would be my nemesis? I
had no idea what to think so I grabbed my purse and headed out the door. Despite our differences I don’t think I’d
ever been so excited to meet someone for a first date before. I had that “butterflies in my stomach”
fluttery feeling- that wonderful bubbly anticipatory feeling that makes a gal
apply an extra coat of lip gloss after giving her hair one last fluff. It’s that feeling when you just know
something is going to go very very right.
We met around the corner from my house, so close I could have
walked.
As an aside, writing this now, re-living
the moment when I looked into his eyes for the very first time, has the power
to nearly bring me to my knees. I
pulled into the parking lot and saw his car, small and black. We walked towards each other and his smile
was so big. He glowed. Immediately he hugged me and said, “You are
just as beautiful as I knew you’d be,” and that’s about all it took. His air of confidence and those glittering
baby blue eyes, that mirthful boyish grin and the fact that he wore a t-shirt
with a huge letter “A” for Atheist on it, balls of brass that showed the
passion he feels for his cause, totally overwhelmed me and it was love at first
sight. Love at first sight even though
ironically he is totally opposite in nearly every way from the men I’d be
attracted to in the past. I found myself
inexplicably drawn to him due to his uniqueness; he made my knees weak.
We went in for a drink and the
conversation flowed smoothly, our energy electric. I remember grinning like a schoolgirl from
time to time while thinking, “Oh I wonder if he likes me. I really like him. He’s just perfect. Squeeeee….!!”
Smooth shaven, short hair that he keeps spiked up in the front, and as
cute as a little button. I found myself
wanting to touch his face or run my fingers through his hair, and there’s a
good possibility I may have reached out once or twice to touch his arm. I had to make contact. Seriously magnetic. “Let’s get out of here and take a look at
your birthday blue moon,” he said once the sun went down and the moon rose. A clear August night, only God could have orchestrated
such a beautiful evening for the most magical first date of my life. As we began walking side by side down the
street we looked at the full moon: huge, luminous and radiating energy, just
like my heart being near him.
“Is it okay if I hold your hand?” he
asked with that adorable boyish grin and I felt myself blush as I nodded
yes. For some reason that innocent
request felt as intimate as standing in front of him naked and vulnerable. The sensation of his hand entwined with mine
is ineffable; I don’t have the proper words to explain the reaction I had of
his skin on mine, his thumb stroking the sensitive skin of my palm, perfection
felt in being linked with him. I found
him attractive although not in some purely physical animal attraction. No. It
was more like I was falling in love with his soul. My hand in his made me melt, and
intoxication flowing over me rendering me speechless as we walked along in
silence looking at the moon. I still can
recall the goofy grin I had on my face, shy and blushing from simple hand to
hand contact.
He spoke to me of the stars with such
wonder and delight that his love affair with the cosmos was clearly
evident. “You are made of stardust” he
told me before reciting a plethora of facts about the universe. “The universe is 14.5 billion years old and
the earth is 4.5 billion years old,” he informed me while looking me up and
down trying to gauge my weight which he graciously underestimated by a good
twenty pounds. He let me know how much
we’d weigh on the moon and why. I came
to call this his “science talk” and being a sky nerd myself it totally turned
me on. Just listening to him was getting
me all hot and bothered, flustered by his discussion of his favorite
constellations and random facts about the geography of the different planets. He was, in a word, quickly becoming my favorite
science trip.
We walked to the park and began swinging
on the swings, one of my favorite pastimes.
As we were swinging in tandem he looked up and said, “I believe in
nemesis.” Nemesis?! I almost choked as I asked him to repeat
himself, shocked to hear him repeat the word my guidance had used hours earlier
in reference to meeting Joron. “Yes, it’s
a hypothetical binary star to the sun that is said to have caused major past
extinction on earth. I believe in its
existence.” As shocked as I was I was
also very quickly falling head over heels for this interesting man so I tucked
the nemesis comment in the back of my mind and charged forth- diving head first
into falling in love with an Atheist scientist who wasn’t much taller than me,
or bigger than me for that matter, walking together we matched well. We fit; we made a great pair. This was obvious from the very beginning, and
he felt it too.
Moving to a park bench I learned later
that he almost kissed me then. He wanted
to kiss me, wanted to find out if the strong connection we’d felt since the
first day we emailed would translate to the physical. To both Joron and I kissing is very
important, one of life’s little gifts. I
good kiss is better than a trip to Disney World. He was anxious to see if the kiss would seal
the deal or if he’d be disappointed. A
good kiss is heaven and he wanted to see if I could do a kiss justice. Could I kiss, ha! I’m a walking ball of love energy, passionate
to the core. Of course I can kiss,
hmph. But he wasn’t able to discover
this truth right then because while he was planning to go in for a smooch I
was agonizing over how fast the beer had traveled through my system. He looked at me, began leaning in and I
blurted, “I gotta pee!” I had to go so
bad that the only option fast enough was to take him across the street to my
house- thankfully it was straightened up!
He looked so cute sitting on my couch, and I wanted to kiss him. The kiss energy was strong that night. Always a gentleman he didn’t try any funny
stuff in my house and we walked back to our cars hand in hand, moonlight
spilling down around us. The silver in
his hair, at his temples, glittered when illuminated, and his eyes simply
shined. I caught his kinda shy half glances and we
kept bumping into each other as we walked, getting closer and closer. My mind raced wondering if he’d want to see
me again. He was the best first date I’d
ever had, and already I wanted to see him again.
Once we made it to our cars he leaned
in before I could even think and planted a short but intense kiss on me, tongue
and all. No holds bared- a kiss that said, "Oh I can tell that we are going to be wayyyy more than friends." It was a “I’ve
been waiting for that since the moment we first spoke” kinda kiss. With that one kiss he owned me, made my knees
weak and my head spin- he was like a drug and I went in for more while we stood making
out like teens for a moment until we parted with shy but overwhelmed chuckles
while saying goodbye. I thanked him for
making my fortieth birthday so special.
I was sad to see him go. I wanted
to spend more time with him. I missed
him even before he was gone and as he got in his car and drove away I wondered
if he realized he taken a piece of my heart along with him.
It was, by far, The. Best. Night. Ever.
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