Monday, May 5, 2014

Blue Moon Birthday Meeting... And A Few Words About "God"




 It is my personal journey of overcoming fear and doubt to find utter and complete trust, faith and belief in the divine and myself that has brought me right here, gathering my thoughts, sorrow and progress to write this account of spiritual healing that many will find somewhat unbelievable in its, at times, strange wonderfulness.  A lifetime of residual pain surfacing to be faced finally, long-held deep-seated fears of emotional abandonment and rejection being pulled out and expelled, faced and showed down, through this gut-wrenching soul union.  Through the seemingly inhumane “ignoring” that is part of the running phase.  I’ve been taught strongly from above that “God” or The Divine, uses us, human beings, as instruments of peace and healing- and the epitome of this is the twin soul union as I, a mere nine months ago, was soon to find out. 
I met Joron on my fortieth birthday, a blue moon.  Literally.  My fortieth birthday fell on a blue moon, and our first date happened to take place on my birthday because I’d cancelled our first date which had been scheduled for the week before.  Embarrassing to say the least, the week before our date I’d text him and told him I could not meet him because he wasn’t a Christian and “God” wanted me to be with a Christian.  This was due to a moment of fear creeping over me telling me that because I’d never had a man in my life who was interested in being two halves of a whole, a real couple, I needed someone with whom to share my religion… but in concentrating on religion I forgot about my heart, someone to share my HEART was oodles more important that coupling with a man who would attend services with me.  Normally I pride myself on being open-minded and unconditional but throughout life as I progress in my spiritual journey I am often tested or challenged to expand my mind and my heart even further and meeting Joron definitely urged me to understand the concept of not defining a person by a label but instead through heart. 
Religion and I have had a very strange relationship over the years, unsteady.  I’ve spent many years being stripped off the indoctrination of religion and my knee-jerk response to his Atheism was a throwback to my days of allowing the role of religion to overpower my heart or good intentions and clear thought.
The Sunday before we met I saw a man at church with his two little girls.  Approximately my age he worshipped together with his kids and my heart tugged at me; I’d always wanted someone to share important aspects of my life with me instead of always being alone.  I always felt alone even while married.  Ironically I’d never seen the man before, and after that one service which inspired me to cancel a date with a dear who turned out to be the love of my life, I never saw that man again.  Coincidence?  I think not- my fears, beliefs and truth were being tested by soul.  Seeing him made me cower and I later text this new sweetheart, my gem, and told him I couldn’t meet him because he I was “meant to be with a Christian.”  This came on the heels of him admitting to me that it was hard for him to date due to being an Atheist because, get this, women always judged him for his Atheism instead of noticing him as bright shining light of goodness and love.  I’d assured him I wasn’t like most women *snort* and then I kicked him in the teeth.
My text elicited nothing but silence on his end and for a moment I felt relief.  I’d definitely acquired an immediate strong attraction to him even from afar and I think because I’d experienced such strong soul mate relationships in my past that had brought me both a mixture of bliss and sorrow I noticed this connection in us and it scared me.  Soul mate love is amazing but it can also be painful because it often is used to teach lessons, and those lessons, for me, always seemed to include heartache and letting go.  Between Joron and I, through our strong communication and magnetic attraction, I recognized this soul mate energy and frankly it scared the shit out of me so I ran from it.  But after a week of not communicating with him I already felt like some special gift was missing from my life and nervously I text him apologizing and telling him I still would really like to meet him if he’d forgive me.  I recall holding my breath wondering if he’d even respond.  He did.  He said, “Who is this?  I know it can’t possibly be my friend because you can’t be friends with an Atheist.”  Ugh.  Double ugh.  I’d never felt like more of an asshole that right at that moment.  He went on to say he’d been disappointed by my reaction for two reasons, one because he’d been reassured by my seeming unconditional loving personality yet I then went on to judge him like the rest of the women he’d met in the past, and second because he’d been excited to meet me and when I cancelled our date he was sad.  Thinking back to that moment makes my heart ache because had I know then what I know now I would have relished in the opportunity to meet him, ran to him like a moth to a flame.  I nearly walked away from my Destiny out of fear. Think about that- I could have ruined a defining moment in my life, meeting my one and only true love who has helped heal me of the oldest crustiest fears that have been dwelling in the depths of me for years, because of residual “beliefs” concerning religion, of all things.  The thought that I almost allowed fear to prevent our fated meeting and subsequent falling majorly in love makes me shudder.  Instead, true to form, he overlooked my initial reaction and we planned to meet.
  To celebrate my passage into the forth decade of life my sister took me for lunch to our favorite Chinese buffet.  Since my birthday did fall on a blue moon, a magical sign that hinted at wonders to come {and oh I had noooo idea!} we decided that dining at our favorite Chinese buffet was the best way to celebrate.  I ended up with two fortune cookies while enjoying lunch, the messages in each now burned into my memory like glowing embers that land on fluffy cotton.  Little did I know then just how important a role those messages would play in these last five turbulent months of life since my birthday has passed.  “You have a magnetic personality but be aware of your polarity” was the first one, and the second was magical, like a tiny little written birthday gift all wrapped up in a sweet crunchy cookie shell, “You are important enough to ask and blessed enough to receive.”
You are important enough to ask and blessed enough to receive.  I’d been on a spiritual journey for the last ten years and I knew that despite life’s ups and down, steep mountain tops to deep valley highs and lows, I definitely would ask and receive.  There’s that saying, “Be careful what you ask for,” and while it is an important creed I also know that no matter what I ask for, wayward or not, Spirit always find a way to make my lessons work. 
A big example: two years earlier I asked God to help me change my life by the time I was forty.  Married but very lonely with an almost two year-old son almost immediately after I asked my life changed, propelling me forward in a manner I never expected.  A year later my marriage was about over, I’d met new friends, lovers and confidants whose connection with me was nothing short of magical, and I knew I was being divinely guided.
A little example: I'd asked God to introduce me to a perfect soul mate, a man who loved like I do, someone I could be excited to meet... a man who would sweep me off my feet.  And I had that date later that evening, on my birthday, with that man, Joron. You, dear reader, may want to pay attention here: "Sweep me off my feet" is the understatement of the century as it pertains to my blue moon birthday date as you will soon find out right here.  
It’s important to note here, though, that I did ask God to change my life by the time I was forty and here I sat, now forty years old, fortune cookies in hand.  One message about being blessed which I truly did appreciate but then there was the one about polarity.   “You have a magnetic personality but be aware of your polarity.”  I have a personality that draws people in.  I am a people person.  I can talk to anyone and everyone is my friend.  It wasn’t always like that for me but my days of being mousy and quiet were in my past and now I could strike up a conversation with any cashier or waitress or hotel clerk and I often did.  It was the polarity part that threw me.  I pondered that for a moment.  What did polarity actually mean?  According to The American heritage Dictionary polarity is as follows:

po·lar·i·ty  
n. pl. po·lar·i·ties
1. Intrinsic polar separation, alignment, or orientation, especially of a physical property: magnetic polarity; ionic polarity.
2. An indicated polar extreme: an electric terminal with positive polarity.
3. The possession or manifestation of two opposing attributes, tendencies, or principles: political polarity.

Well the Lord does work in mysterious ways and I was to come to find out that The Divine was giving me a huge forewarning of the roller coaster ride I was about to embark on, a journey that would continue to help me fulfill what I’d asked of God two years earlier: please change my life by the time I am forty.  Please cleanse my heart Lord, mold my mind to become like yours, and tear down these walls around my heart.  That is really what my plea was to God twenty four months earlier.  Yes I desired love in my life but if I thought I already knew about love boy was I mistaken because I was about to get hit over the head, in oh about six hours, with the metaphysical version of a two by four of true cosmic divine love.  But beyond love, beyond a different living situation, deep down inside I was asking God to enlighten me, finally.  To help me ascend and to show me my life’s purpose.  Held in my hand was a huge hint of what God had planned for me.  A message about polarity: opposites, separation, division.  “What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate” can apply to the nature of interpersonal relationships in general, to humanity, because the last months of my life I have learned on a very personal level that we are all one, and that is how God intended it to be.  Division should not exist.  
I believe that we each have a soul purpose here on earth, and it is a role we chose before we landed here in our newly born infant bodies.  I believe that teaching and guiding others is my soul purpose here on earth, and sharing my soul quest is part of my journey.  To say it has been an interesting journey would be a gross understatement.  Battling to overcome adversity and fear through love, magic and divinity is the journey I have been on and while it has been incredible the journey, my spiritual quest, has not been easy.  I have strong divine guidance that has taught me a multitude of amazing lessons, teachings and truth, and it is a truth I am meant to share which I am doing here.  My journey has been one of change and growth.  There has been heartache and sorrow and there has been bliss and joy.  Through it all God has guided me, taken me by the hand even in times when I felt most alone and pointed me in the right direction which is one of solidarity and fellowship with my fellow man. 
Since I am here, dear reader, concentrating on this loaded word of G-O-D, and because this is a word you will come across many many times over the course of these pages, allow me to take a moment to explain to you my intention behind this word that has more polarity fueling it than the northern lights.  As you will come to find out here soon I am not here to debate whether or not God exists, I’ll save that for argument for someone whose soul purpose is to stretch minds in manners beyond what I’m meant to do.  I could use a multitude of different words to explain God and I do: God, Spirit, The Divine, and Soul are usually what you will see as I explain my path.  “Spirit” is a comfy all-encompassing word to me, like the “Holy Ghost” I grew up with as a Catholic. 
I could call this marvelously kind, loving and oftentimes unconventional divine energy I’ve grown to trust in a variety of different names: Jehovah, Brahma, Shiva or Zeus and in all cases my intention would be one of utmost respect but in my world I refer to the divine energy that surrounds and enfolds us as God.  I also refer to God as “Him” because it is what I know which offers me comfort yet in reality I consider God to be a genderless non-being energy, like the magnificent waves of the aurora borealis.  The Goddess, All That Is, The Universe, The Creator, The Light, and maybe George Lucas had it right with his coining of the term “May The Force be with you.”  In my estimation God is the be all and end of love force in the world, and these are all suitable terms I’ve heard to explain God; they are all excellent attempts to define the indefinable.  For me, and for the sake of this quest, “God” is the term that holds the most comfort and familiarity for me. It is never my intention to dictate how one should view the divine creator.  Nor is it my intention to dictate that you must even believe in a divine creator; some people base their fundamental life structure and moral code on science and the universe, on a firm conviction that there is no God but instead an open void that is filled with physics and energy.  And as far as I am concerned that is fine as well- we all are the same despite our beliefs or non-beliefs.  Just because one does not believe he has a soul doesn’t mean he lacks that divine connection to God. 
There should be no division in humanity.  Polarity is a fictitious creation that creates separation, segregation and derision between the masses.  Together we are empowered but separated we are weak; the motto “United we stand, divided we fall” holds much credence. Unless we are united we are easy to destroy. 
As I said in my first post, months ago Spirit explained my life to me using an analogy of a butterfly.  I was told that the first part of my life, pre-forty, was like that of a caterpillar.  I was creeping slowly along, close to the ground and afraid to fall.  Staying close to the ground meant hitting bottom would not hurt as bad as if I was flying high.  But there would come a time where I would endure a metamorphosis, and endure it would be- a painful transformation of sloughing away fear and doubt like scraping stubborn barnacles of the bottom of a ship.  I would be wrapped in a chrysalis of change only to tentatively emerge as a butterfly, coming forth to see the world through different eyes, a vision free from the limiting veils of “reality.”  And it would be my time to soar.  And soar I would.  Soar and, as you will find out here soon enough, dive to levels of despair I didn’t even realize were possible.  Yet in these last seven months, despite experiencing a level of pain I didn’t know existed, I have managed to overcome.
The last thing I did before I walked out the door for my first date with Joron was to consult with my spiritual guidance.  I sat and asked, “Why am I meeting him, an Atheist?”  Our differences in faith still concerned me even though it should not have.  I was told the following: “Walls will fall.  Hearts will melt. This one is a gem.  Cherish him.”  Sounds promising, right?  Well the last word that was channeled to me was, “nemesis.”  Just “nemesis” with no explanation.  Nemesis?  As in he would be my nemesis?  I had no idea what to think so I grabbed my purse and headed out the door.  Despite our differences I don’t think I’d ever been so excited to meet someone for a first date before.  I had that “butterflies in my stomach” fluttery feeling- that wonderful bubbly anticipatory feeling that makes a gal apply an extra coat of lip gloss after giving her hair one last fluff.  It’s that feeling when you just know something is going to go very very right.  We met around the corner from my house, so close I could have walked. 
As an aside, writing this now, re-living the moment when I looked into his eyes for the very first time, has the power to nearly bring me to my knees.   I pulled into the parking lot and saw his car, small and black.  We walked towards each other and his smile was so big.  He glowed.  Immediately he hugged me and said, “You are just as beautiful as I knew you’d be,” and that’s about all it took.  His air of confidence and those glittering baby blue eyes, that mirthful boyish grin and the fact that he wore a t-shirt with a huge letter “A” for Atheist on it, balls of brass that showed the passion he feels for his cause, totally overwhelmed me and it was love at first sight.  Love at first sight even though ironically he is totally opposite in nearly every way from the men I’d be attracted to in the past.  I found myself inexplicably drawn to him due to his uniqueness; he made my knees weak. 
We went in for a drink and the conversation flowed smoothly, our energy electric.  I remember grinning like a schoolgirl from time to time while thinking, “Oh I wonder if he likes me.  I really like him.  He’s just perfect.  Squeeeee….!!”  Smooth shaven, short hair that he keeps spiked up in the front, and as cute as a little button.  I found myself wanting to touch his face or run my fingers through his hair, and there’s a good possibility I may have reached out once or twice to touch his arm.  I had to make contact.  Seriously magnetic.  “Let’s get out of here and take a look at your birthday blue moon,” he said once the sun went down and the moon rose.  A clear August night, only God could have orchestrated such a beautiful evening for the most magical first date of my life.  As we began walking side by side down the street we looked at the full moon: huge, luminous and radiating energy, just like my heart being near him. 
“Is it okay if I hold your hand?” he asked with that adorable boyish grin and I felt myself blush as I nodded yes.  For some reason that innocent request felt as intimate as standing in front of him naked and vulnerable.  The sensation of his hand entwined with mine is ineffable; I don’t have the proper words to explain the reaction I had of his skin on mine, his thumb stroking the sensitive skin of my palm, perfection felt in being linked with him.  I found him attractive although not in some purely physical animal attraction.  No.  It was more like I was falling in love with his soul.  My hand in his made me melt, and intoxication flowing over me rendering me speechless as we walked along in silence looking at the moon.  I still can recall the goofy grin I had on my face, shy and blushing from simple hand to hand contact. 
He spoke to me of the stars with such wonder and delight that his love affair with the cosmos was clearly evident.  “You are made of stardust” he told me before reciting a plethora of facts about the universe.  “The universe is 14.5 billion years old and the earth is 4.5 billion years old,” he informed me while looking me up and down trying to gauge my weight which he graciously underestimated by a good twenty pounds.  He let me know how much we’d weigh on the moon and why.  I came to call this his “science talk” and being a sky nerd myself it totally turned me on.  Just listening to him was getting me all hot and bothered, flustered by his discussion of his favorite constellations and random facts about the geography of the different planets.  He was, in a word, quickly becoming my favorite science trip. 
We walked to the park and began swinging on the swings, one of my favorite pastimes.  As we were swinging in tandem he looked up and said, “I believe in nemesis.”  Nemesis?!  I almost choked as I asked him to repeat himself, shocked to hear him repeat the word my guidance had used hours earlier in reference to meeting Joron.  “Yes, it’s a hypothetical binary star to the sun that is said to have caused major past extinction on earth.  I believe in its existence.”  As shocked as I was I was also very quickly falling head over heels for this interesting man so I tucked the nemesis comment in the back of my mind and charged forth- diving head first into falling in love with an Atheist scientist who wasn’t much taller than me, or bigger than me for that matter, walking together we matched well.  We fit; we made a great pair.  This was obvious from the very beginning, and he felt it too. 
Moving to a park bench I learned later that he almost kissed me then.  He wanted to kiss me, wanted to find out if the strong connection we’d felt since the first day we emailed would translate to the physical.  To both Joron and I kissing is very important, one of life’s little gifts.  I good kiss is better than a trip to Disney World.  He was anxious to see if the kiss would seal the deal or if he’d be disappointed.  A good kiss is heaven and he wanted to see if I could do a kiss justice.  Could I kiss, ha!  I’m a walking ball of love energy, passionate to the core.  Of course I can kiss, hmph.  But he wasn’t able to discover this truth right then because while he was planning to go in for a smooch I was agonizing over how fast the beer had traveled through my system.  He looked at me, began leaning in and I blurted, “I gotta pee!”  I had to go so bad that the only option fast enough was to take him across the street to my house- thankfully it was straightened up!  He looked so cute sitting on my couch, and I wanted to kiss him.  The kiss energy was strong that night.  Always a gentleman he didn’t try any funny stuff in my house and we walked back to our cars hand in hand, moonlight spilling down around us.  The silver in his hair, at his temples, glittered when illuminated, and his eyes simply shined.  I caught his kinda shy half glances and we kept bumping into each other as we walked, getting closer and closer.  My mind raced wondering if he’d want to see me again.  He was the best first date I’d ever had, and already I wanted to see him again.
Once we made it to our cars he leaned in before I could even think and planted a short but intense kiss on me, tongue and all.  No holds bared- a kiss that said, "Oh I can tell that we are going to be wayyyy more than friends."  It was a “I’ve been waiting for that since the moment we first spoke” kinda kiss.  With that one kiss he owned me, made my knees weak and my head spin- he was like a drug and I went in for more while we stood making out like teens for a moment until we parted with shy but overwhelmed chuckles while saying goodbye.  I thanked him for making my fortieth birthday so special.  I was sad to see him go.  I wanted to spend more time with him.  I missed him even before he was gone and as he got in his car and drove away I wondered if he realized he taken a piece of my heart along with him.
It was, by far, The. Best. Night. Ever. 





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