Going... Going...Almost Gone

                                           

Nemesis

He said he was crushed but had to take the job offer.  It was all entirely whirlwind and surreal.  As I look back at my poor self standing there in front of my trainees while I struggled not to cry I wish I could just reach out and hug me.  When asked "Do you love yourself?" so many people are apt to say no- they do not love themselves.  A lack of self-love is rampant in the world and it's a sad state of being.  But me?  I love the fuck out of myself.  After all the crazy shit I've been through over the years- I'd throw myself my own ticker tape parade if I could just to say "Congratulations for making it this far you strong sexy bitch!"   

He told me he'd been crying all morning but I didn't believe him.  Cry?  Over me?  It took everything in my power to hold on to all the lessons Spirit had taught me over the last few years: patience, unconditional love, and being responsive instead of reactive.  Luckily for me I had shot off his shocker email to my mentor and spiritual BFF and she got back to me right away telling me to think of this as a hopeful opportunity.  His message was erratic but he mentioned that he didn't want to lose me.  He couldn't believe the opportunity, was excited for the career change and to move back to Cali {which he loves} but he was sad to leave me.  I felt tiny, insignificant and worthless at that moment but was trying to think positive: I loved this guy and was not willing to let go.

I wasn't able to respond to him and by the time I was done training he'd frantically emailed me three times begging me not to hate him, and to please contact him because he needed to read "I love you" before he got on the plane.  Finally I was alone and able to let it all out.  I hid in my car and sobbed while texting him.  "I can't talk right now because I'll cry if I hear your voice and I can't because I'm in the airport" is what he told me, and I *almost* said, "Bullshit!  You fucking liar!  You just used me and now feel fine kicking me to curb... can't even call me!" but I knew this man.  I knew better than to shit all over his heart. This was a man who would call me every single day just to hear my voice.  We talked for hours and hours when we were not together.  He loved talking to me on the phone and I knew he was not hiding from me; my inner guidance, my intuition+heart told me that he was hurting even if fear told me otherwise.

What commenced was a long emotional text session where hopes and dreams were vulnerably and with an aching rawness smeared all over the electronic page like tears staining the pages of a tragic love story.  He suddenly cracked open and a flood of emotion poured out.  He told me all he could think about the last few weeks was marrying me and having a child with me, that he wanted to get me pregnant and treat me like a Goddess while carrying his baby.  Misunderstanding something I wrote {which is very easy to do during an emotionally explosive text session} to mean that I felt this thing, this crushing affair of the heart, less that he did he wrote, "I was thinking about coming back and proposing to you!" and I cannot get those words out of my mind.  CANNOT.  I want to marry this man more than I want air.  We came to the conclusion that we loved each other too much to end it, and we would go long distance.  He wanted me to visit him soon, alone and then with my son, to see if Cali would work for me, for us {BWAH ha ha ha... like it wouldn't but this was and still is a fear of his- that I won't like California which is funny because I'd live in a shack on the edge of nowhere to be with him} and his ultimate goal was that we would stay together from afar until the time was right... and we'd still get married.

A leap of faith is what he called it.  He came back for a few days to get life in order and we said goodbye.  Bittersweet and emotional, and divinely strange because my ex decided on the very last night to call me in a drunken angry stupor so my love could hear the entire conversation of me trying to appease my ex {who isn't supposed to contact me while inebriated} while he yelled at me, something he hadn't done in a while.  It just felt... weird.  Off.  Not right.  Out of place.  

What felt really right, and I'm not materialistic at all but a gift here and there from someone who thinks I am special enough to receive one is a wonderful thing, is that we exchanged meaningful gifts before he left.  He brought me a huge bag filled with goodies for me, my son, my sister who lives me me... and even my kitties who had decided to adopt my Joron as their own {which says a lot from the normally standoffish little beasties.}  He gave my son a science crystal growing kit which I thought was the cutest thing ever.  He gave me numerous little yummies and fun stuff, and one of them was a lotto ticket- all of the numbers were special to us combined or were reflective of our lives.  His thoughtfulness warmed my heart more than the gifts did- Joron was always so thoughtful, so sweet, so endearing and so caring.  That last night he took some videos of us kissing and I still have them along with a shot of the two of together: a couple.  They help keep his memory fresh but I can only peek at them every so often for fear that one day my heart may break into so many tiny pieces that I won't be able to get them to fit back together properly again.  We each have a song from our childhood that is meaningful to us, and we shared those songs with each other.  Mine is "Take on Me" by a-ha and his is a song about... kissing.  Both are 80s hits, and both fit very meaningfully into our situation.  That last night when he came over he said, "I got the closest thing I've ever had to a sign before.  They played our songs back to back on the radio while I was driving here."  I chuckled knowing how The Divine works.  He wanted to chalk it up to a coincidence but he knew... he knew- he was being spoken to and so was I.

If I had I known that night that soon I would not hear from him again for weeks, that we would go through this Hellish cycle of twin soul separation that takes my fucking heart and wrenches the shit out of it, then I would have kissed him even more tenderly, stroked his face even more gently, and hugged him until he had to pry my arms from around him with a pry bar.  

I look back at that moment when he was walking down my front steps approaching his car and I wish I would have ran out after him for one last hug.  Another kiss.  One more word of affection and warmth.  A deep gaze in those amazingly beautiful baby blue eyes.  Had I known the utter chaos and strange circumstances the universe was about the thrust us into I would have held him close forever and refused to let go.

Instead I said, "I love you!" and watched him walk to his car to move 2100 miles away from me.  As I closed the door I couldn't help but feel like the universe had somehow orchestrated taking him away from me- the job offer was just totally surreal because it was exactly what he'd asked for, to a "T."  It didn't feel like an accident.  Still my heart was heavy but hopeful thinking that maybe, just maybe, a new life was ahead for me and my little guy.  Little did I know that The Divine knew I still had more old gunk inside to heal.  They also knew there is a Destiny out there just waiting for me, one I was not fulfilling, and they were gearing up to ensure I started paying attention to my gifts.  Getting healed was first though.  Fear was festering already- the fear that we wouldn't make it.  Fear that I wasn't good enough, worthy enough, to hold on to.  His leaving brought out every old deep-seated fear that I normally kept stuffed down in my subconscious, dry clattering skeletons that I didn't like showing the light of day.  I knew it would be a wild ride ahead... I just didn't know how much.  When The Divine decides it's time for final healing to be done and a twin soul is brought into your life, and then is taken away, watch out.  It's one Hell of a rollercoaster.