What Happens When You Lie in A Twin Soul Union?

Lies are never good in any relationship whether it be a personal love relationship, a friendship, a work relationship or societal, like lies from our government, lies from religion, or lies in the media.  Lies are wrong.  And when it comes to a twin soul relationship they are never tolerated.  We lie to conceal aspects about ourselves we are shamed of- and this means when we lie we are not being genuine or authentic.  In lying we are not accepting who we really are... and twin souls come to cleanse us of this inner nonsense. 

I am expanding on this topic from my last blog post because I now see things very clearly as it pertains to Joron.  My guidance has started using the term "wrung out" in relationship to our union.  At first I thought my soul meant that I feel emotionally wrung out- well no shit Sherlock.  But after hearing the term about one hundred times I thought about it, looked up the meaning, and found it to mean when something is extracted by force.  And then the a-ha moment hit: Joron is in my life to "wring out" my emotional illness.  My guidance uses the word "illness" to represent those things inside me that need to be healed.

This is a highly confessional blog posting.  I lie wayyyy too much.  I never noticed how much I lie!  They are normally "little white lies" in that I don't tell the truth when asked a question.  But along with this I realize that when I meet a man I really like I then go out of my way to appear "perfect."  I'll often gloss over parts of my life I don't want known, or I'll pretend to know more about a subject than I do- all to kind of "woo" someone to love me.  I did not do this with willing or vicious intent; it was borne of insecurity about my ability to be loved.  I had to hide all my "imperfections" and make myself seem even more sweet and gentle and loveable than I already am.  I am a good person... I just had a lot of shit inside of me that told me I wasn't.  I allowed my self-perceived imperfections to derail my image of myself.  I was so afraid I wasn't going to be loved, so nervous to be judged, so I did whatever I could to be as perfect as possible... and when I met my twin this backfired on me.

My guidance tells me that when a "runner" ignores a "chaser" it is because in a twin soul union NOTHING is overlooked or ignored.  Joron ignores me because on a soul level he overlooks nothing inside of me that needs to heal: he ignores none of my illness, and won't stop ignoring me until every last little bit of emotional healing is completed.  All my illness must be "wrung out."  Only then, only until I am healed and that healing is cemented inside of me, will our yin and yang be balanced.  Only then would we have a chance for talking again, possibly reuniting.  To wring out a towel means to purge the residual water in it by force.  This is the same thing a twin soul does to us when our emotional illness is being purged from us by force- and the force is the infernal silence, the nearly intolerable dance.

Joron's coming and going wrung out a lot of crap inside of me.  This last time was the kicker though.  How I could be so clueless and unaware to not realized sooner that NO lying will be tolerated in a twin soul union is beyond me.  Why is the lying not tolerated?  Because we only lie to conceal bits about ourselves we are not proud of.  We lie to hide our true self.  And in a twin soul union we must love ourselves fully, "imperfections" and all.  I am told that my twin loves everything about me.  I don't have to be afraid that he will judge me.  I can be honest with him.  I don't have to make it seem that I read or think or do things just to make him love me more.  I don't have to lie when he asks me point blank questions about my past.  And nothing can be concealed from a twin soul.

One of the first questions he asked me on our first date was if I was a smoker.  I told him no although once in a while I'd smoke but I hadn't in a long time.  By the time our relationship came to an end I'd started smoking again but hid it from him; I was stressed out.  The intensity, the looming possibility of him moving away, the strong love, and my inability to believe in his huge pure love all pushed me to turn to my vices again, both drinking and smoking.  He saw a cigarette butt on my porch and mentioned it and I told him it was from my sister- nice lie, right?  I'm not going to sit here and write a laundry list of the little white lies I told him- but upon reflection I can see where I was ashamed of so many parts of my life.  Some were vices I needed to heal, and some were just things I worried would make me appeared tarnished in his eyes.  And all along what I didn't realize is soul was building up to cleanse me of all that insecurity, to let me know what I see as "imperfections" are actually me just being human- a soul having a learning experience.

I realize now how hard I am on myself, even now.  I doubt my mothering skills.  I know I am unorganized with bills so I berate myself for it.  My house isn't clean enough.  My yard is a mess.  I don't cook the most perfect healthy meals each night- but I am also a full-time working mom who has primary custody of a four year-old boy who is my main priority in life.  His well being and happiness comes before a lot of other things in my life.  Oh- and there is this one other tiny issue in my life- Spirit is strong in my life so that adds a whole other dimension on top of the rest.  Life itself is hard enough- add in a twin soul separation and it's a miracle I am still ALIVE let alone able to mother my son properly.  The fact that I can learn and share here is a testament to the fact that I am strong and good and loving... so why do I doubt myself so?

And the doubting is all being healed through my twin.  I see just so clearly now what happens when we lie to our twins.  He disappeared again after I lied, and shit one of the questions he asked me via email he actually wrote, "Tell me your opinion.  BE HONEST."  And what did I do?  In order to be agreeable I lied.  I hid my own opinion for fear it would be a turn off- so basically I am denying myself in order to try and win a man's love.  And that shit won't fly between twin souls.  We are being forced to OWN OUR TRUE SELVES and love ourselves fully no matter what. 

Once you figure this out and it clicks- it becomes hard to lie to yourself.  I can no longer lie to myself.  And I think this has healed my issue with trying to hide who I am.  Yes I am quirky.  Yeah I lack a little bit o' common sense... but I am a damn good person.  And I rock as a mom- and any man would be lucky to have me as his wife.  And twin soul.

But I had to learn this.  I had to have this truth wrung out of me. 

Not long ago I was going out for a smoke {yep} and I slipped going down the steps and almost broke my ankle.  I SWEAR my life is so heavily guided by, orchestrated through, soul that I think I know what "surrender" truly means, and yes it can piss me off- it's irrational of me I know.  Surrender, for me, means I have to just throw my hands up in the air and listen no matter the outcome.  No smoking, no drinking, no meeting anyone new or dating.  When I try only bad strange shit happens.  I don't have the same free will as others do- and it must be a twin soul thing.  Each time my twin comes and goes my level of awareness increases ten fold.  This last time hurt.  I am still hurting actually.  I miss Joron with all my heart but I can see now how I am no longer to deny who I really am.  I don't have to try and be perfect in the hopes that someone will love me.  I do not need to make excuses for myself.  Joron is trying to teach me to love myself as much as I love him- and I love him enough to overlook pretty much everything and anything he could do wrong.  I have to feel the same way about myself.  It is time to drop the shame over my past choices.  It is time to realize I am perfect just as I am.  Along with that is the fact that I must treat myself well.  I have to actively love myself which means no smoking, no drinking... no lying.  We should not do things that hurt us!  It spits in the face of loving ourselves.

In the words of Marc Darcy from Bridget Jones... "I like you... just as you are."  I know that is how Joron truly feels about me, and how I must feel about myself.  I fight it so much... fight accepting myself just as I am.  I am one of the sweetest, nicest, kindest most nurturing soft-hearted people I know yet I just kick the shit out of myself inside.  I doubt my loveabilty, and Joron is showing me that I have to stop this now.

So no more lies.  Lies for me stem from my past.  I felt as a child I had to be perfect to be loved.  As an adult I did not feel worthy enough to be loved as I was so I'd lie to make myself seem more interesting.  To seem so perfect, flawless.  To conceal past choices- to sterilize myself.  And that type of self-defying and self-denying behavior is unhealthy and must be cleansed.  I can see clearly now how when I lied this last time- Joron pulled away from me, again.  I got so fearful of him not loving me- I told myself "Oh God I know this must be a test.  He doesn't really love me."  And the next thing I knew he was telling ME "I love you more than you love me.  I'm so sad you don't love me anymore," and he was gone.  He is my eternal mirror.  The more I don't love myself enough to realize he loves me, the more he runs from me.  It is the cosmos' way of healing us.  It is God's way of using a cosmic soul connection to heal us- and there is no escaping it.

As my guidance says, "A twin soul will leave no stone unturned, and yes it is quite a pill to swallow."

But swallow it I must.  I love myself enough that I want happiness and living like this does not makes me happy.  Unauthentic.  Doubtful.  Constantly in a state of missing someone.  I want to live now.  I want to be healed and whole now- finally, fully and forever.