The Chaos Begins

My love and I didn't really experience much chaos during this separation, thank God.  The initial "emotional shit hitting the fan" only lasted a few weeks, and some of it was inspired, instigated, by my guidance {which I know sounds really strange but I will explain.}  Joron went silent and like I said I spent about a week or two trying to get him to contact me.  I emailed.  I apologized.  I poured my heart out.  I expressed my pain and sadness... but nothing.  I text him and got nothing.  I called and he would not answer.  I left sweet voicemail messages.  I even made him a video of me telling him how much I loved him but all I received was silence.  The emotional void was the absolute last thing I expected from him and it left me thoroughly crushed.

After about a week I gave up.  Feeling psycho-girlfriend is very much not me.  I have a lot of pride and I can be willful.  I'm also fairly emotionally stable so I don't feel it necessary to chase.  After about two weeks I heard a song from "Practical Magic" called "If You Ever Did Believe" and it really spoke to me so I sent it to him and told him how much I missed and loved him.  And he finally wrote back thanking me for the song but telling me "it felt different" now that we were apart.  "I saw that you called last night and I almost answered but I just couldn't- I wouldn't even know what to say to you now" is what he wrote, and it's typical "runner" language.  He said when we'd been together it was so "kissy and good" but now it felt different, "tainted" somehow.  He said, "Like that song 'Tainted Love.'"  I remember nearly passing out from fear because there were my biggest worries coming true- all it took was a few weeks away from me, a little stress, and he was giving up on me.  He said it wasn't just me, that maybe he wasn't feeling it either.  He ended the email by telling me that maybe we could meet up for drinks or something in the future.  He signed it "I do still love you."  The strangest thing about that email though was it was getting cold here in the Midwest and he wrote, "Enjoy the cold."  Not only was it mean-spirited and sarcastic which wasn't his style- it turned out to be foreboding because from that point on he lost all emotion with me and turned very cold in his demeanor, exactly opposite the man I'd dated.  It was almost like a spiritual play on words.

It reminded me of when we were dating.  About four weeks in we had an argument that was surreal because I hung up on him before I even realized what I was doing, and I never hang up on anyone, ever.  We'd been having a debate about religion and he said something that flared my ego.  I remember him saying, "Honey honey don't get mad," and I told him not to call me honey and hung up the phone.  I LOVED when he called me honey- it was kind of a sweet special thing between us that he called me pet names... and honey was super special.  Well that argument sent us into the strangest tailspin.  He refused to talk to me and we email argued all night with him saying that as a scientist he didn't know if he could seriously date someone who believed in a Sky Daddy.  He insinuated that it made him question my intelligence, and if there is one thing that will piss me off it is even hinting that I am stupid.  He said he needed a break for a few days to see if he missed me after some time away.  <------ BIGGEST FEAR EVER.  That I am not miss-able.  That I am easy to be let go of, quickly forgotten.  He didn't want to talk and the next day he said something to me that curdled my blood: he said that just yesterday he HAD {past tense} been gaga over me but now he felt different and he just wasn't sure.  I went to the park and I prayed.  Hard.  And I cried.  I told God I was sorry for hanging up on him and to please give me a second chance.  I said to God, "Please let him realize how much he loves me.  I want to hear him say that he wants me in his life and can't stand being without me."

Later that day I emailed him and he responded by telling me to relax, that he couldn't stand being without me and needed to see me.  We'd been apart five days which was the longest we'd went without seeing each other except for when he'd marshalled a golf tournament and text me saying he barely paid attention to Tiger Woods standing next to him because he couldn't stop thinking about me.  His messages were short but he said that he wanted me in his life, wanted to continue on with the relationship as before, wanted me as his girlfriend.  His warmth came flooding back in with plenty of "I need to see you" and "I can't wait for lots of kisses and make up sex.  Can I come over tonight because I really miss my girlfriend."

What stood out to me in all of that were two things: 1) he went from "I adore you" to "I just don't feel it" over night which was nightmarish, and 2) I prayed and then Joron literally repeated my prayers back to me when he told me "I can't stand being without you."  I knew it was surreal but I also didn't know what was going on or what to make of it back then.  Now I realize it was soul-orchestrated and I was being shown what Spirit can do.  It was a preview of what was to come, the turning off and on of emotions.         

I didn't know that when he ran though.  I thought he just stopped loving me.  I read his message telling me that he felt our love was "tainted" and I quite literally wanted to die.  My guidance came through and began telling me to give him a chance, that he was just upset.  Now this is the part that will be hard for you to follow so just bear with me.  I have strong spiritual guidance and have for years.  My soul speaks to me and it's often... unconventional because I am an unconventional person.  I often learn through tough love and rock bottom is a place I've found myself hitting many times in the past because I am stubborn and willful.  The last text message I sent Joron was simply, "Friends?"  After that I began pulling away and once I did my guidance was all like, "Oh no you don't."  I was urged to keep trying.  In order to avoid writing a novel I will tell you that I bought a plane ticket to go see him.  A friend of mine suggested it and I thought: I know this guy loves me.  I know it. I'll just go surprise him and it will be fine.  He needs to see me.  My guidance told me to call him and let him know just to make sure he'd be there.  I called and left a voicemail telling him I'd bought a ticket and just wanted to see him, that I felt if we could talk we'd be okay.

He emailed me and told me not to come, that I was psycho and he was scared of me.  He said not to bother because he didn't allow "uninvited guests" and this was coming from a love who had just about two weeks earlier told me he wanted me to come visit and look at houses with him.  HOUSES.  As in to live in together.  My life had turned into a walking nightmare, and it only got worse from there.  Don't ask me to explain this in detail because I can't- people don't realize that The Divine works in mysterious ways.  After a week of quiet {where I damned my guidance to Hell} I was told to give him a channeled message about something sensitive, very sensitive.  It was nothing I knew about but I was told he had his own "vice" that he needed to be careful of and I was to bring it to his attention.  I have never once kept guidance from a person if I am asked to be a messenger but I don't always like doing it, especially not this time although it wasn't the first time I was asked to give a lover a strange message; the other two times had turned out to be accurate if not uncomfortable so after arguing with my guidance for a while I broke down and sent him the message.

And it tore us to bits.  He was royally pissed off at me, told me he'd been thinking of asking me to get together over Thanksgiving but wasn't going to now because I was "crazy," and he said, "I hate to say this but leave me alone now.  If you even want the chance to be my friend then you'll back off."  Well... I was furious with Spirit at that point and didn't know whether I was coming or going.  This amazing man who a month earlier was making love to me in my bed while whispering, "I love you.  You're amazing," was now telling me to leave him alone.

Hard thing about hearing Spirit, being a channel, is it is hard to say no when told to do something, especially when you are still learning discernment and growing spiritually.  In my past I've been made to learn through fear: this entire twin soul separation was, at first, learning through fear.  So at that point my guidance told me I was to give him one last message:  I was to tell him he didn't have to worry about being my friend because his role in my life was completely over.  He'd ruined our love by running away from me and I didn't want him any longer.  I was told by Spirit that he needed a dose of fear- and it was spelled out to me exactly what to say, and it was NOT nice at all.  I knew he had trouble dating being an Atheist and I told him to have fun dating, said, "I know I sure will.  First stop is the cowboy bar" which is a local hang out near me chock full of cute cowboys who were the exact opposite of my little scientist.

I sent it off despite crying and not understanding... but I've been shown that Spirit always knows what's going on, and there is always a purpose no matter how strange it seems.  Sometimes we learn best through fear so I assumed maybe this was how he was being taught.  He of course wrote back fearfully by simply telling me he'd never forgive me and to "lose his number."  I tried emailing him back to somehow explain {yeah right} and it immediately bounced back even though he couldn't have had enough time to suspend his account: Spirit made sure my message did not go through to him, happens sometimes.  I was super angry, fed up and knew we are over.  Crashed and burned.  Beautiful relationship down the tubes, all my hopes and dreams of love, babies, a new life with my love, with my Joron, fell apart around my feet and I didn't understand why.

Oh but my soul wasn't done with me yet.  Knowing that I am a doubter who often doubts myself soul decided to take it a step farther by testing me.  "I can't believe you listened to me and sent that message" is what I was told, and yes before you doubt- Spirit does work this way with me.  It's called testing and I got tested a LOT when I would doubt.  Spirit teaches us each in unique ways and with me Spirit can be very tricky because I hung on to my doubt, disbelief and fear like a drowning man clinging to a life raft.  I had to have it metaphysically beaten out of me.  Spirit had me convinced that I wanted to be mean to him and that I'd ruined us by sending the message.  I let go of my truth {that I had no desire to send that crazy message to him but was only listening to my guidance while trusting there was some higher purpose involved} and thought OMGod I ruined this!  I'm not genuine at heart..."  Fear began to take over, and when FEAR takes over it is an intense overwhelming sick sensation of almost passing out from terror.  Then Spirit hit me again because my soul said, "Rose!  Own your truth!  Don't let me push you around.  Of course you didn't want to send it.  You were crying and arguing with me.  I'm testing you to own your truth."

By that point though I felt I was losing my mind, and it was a place I'd been before with Spirit.  I threw my hands in the air and dejectedly surrendered.  He was gone.  We were done.  My love was a pile of dirt and ashes, and I didn't even know why.  It seemed so useless, such a beautiful pure genuine love reduced to a big ole' heap of shitty heartbreak.  I knew I'd never hear from him again, that we were through.  I gave up. 

I was SO out of my mind that my guidance urged me to take some time off work through FMLA, told me I was "depressed" and needed to recover.  I saw a doctor and was approved to take time off {and I had plenty of accumulated time at work to cover it,} and I was given medication.  It felt like I was... going crazy.  Hitting rock bottom big time.  I was a mess- but not quite as bad as I could have been without the prior two years of working with my guidance before my twin soul came along.

Then, after my time off was approved, Truth was told to me.  First I was told NOT to take any medication because I was not depressed, and medication would only restrict my connection with Spirit.  I had to believe I was depressed in order to apply for FMLA- again, Spirit works in tricky ways.  So tricky that I refused to speak to the FMLA coordinator at work and one afternoon my computer stopped working and I just knew it was Spirit; I could feel it.  Yep- I was told immediately after it stopped working that the FMLA coordinator had a spot in her schedule that afternoon and I had a doctor's appointment scheduled that day.  I was told to put myself in her schedule and go get the paperwork so it could be signed off on by my doctor that afternoon, and it all fell into place for me to take a few days off work per week so I didn't go bat shit crazy {or so I thought.}  THAT is how heavily guided I am by my soul.

My guidance told me Joron was my twin soul and we were going through a unique experience together consisting of healing and facing fears and yes it was harsh and painful and I needed some time to recuperate and learn from Spirit.  I didn't want to believe this but when I researched "twin souls" I almost fainted because there on the page were me and Joron, perfectly explained.  I couldn't deny that we had all the characteristics of a twin soul union- but it all turned out so  be so so strange and painful.  From there I was told over and over that he was making me face my fears by turning into everything I was afraid of.  I was told his ignoring me and strange {pre-my crazy messages} aloofness was soul "shutting him off" instead of his personal choice in abandoning me and forgetting about me.  The number one thing explained to me was the importance of unconditional love, that although he seemed cold and aloof he actually still loved me and I was to never let go of my love for him or to blame him for any of this.  Of course this was all very hard to believe.  All I knew was the relationship had been truly magical and it was gone, forever.  I'd killed it with the total insanity that hurriedly ensued after he ran, and I knew he'd never come back to me.

And then... a few weeks later he contacted me.  And it's when I realize this wasn't "just" a love relationship, wasn't something that could be escaped from or avoided or shoved under the rug.  It's when "The Dance" began, and oh what a dance it's been.