You Reap What You Sow

May was not an easy month for me.  I had to work through not hearing from Joron when he'd promised to come back and see me and that was a huge challenge.  It was torture and it really pushed my limits of being able to love unconditionally.  I got super mad at him inside.  I was pissed off at God and I hated on my guidance.  I spewed loads of venom and vileness out into the universe through my energy.  It took me reaching deep down inside to pull out the memory of the man I knew instead of caving to feeling like he is some kind of monster before he was able to come any closer to me.  I had to walk away from my old programs of feeling like "less" and daily I have to battle to surrender the worry that I am not a priority.  I do live in a world where all things are possible and while this situation is absolutely unconventional nothing, and I do mean nothing, can make me believe that this man isn't a loving kind adoring man- and he's working with me to wake me the fuck up, finally.  June.  June is here.  I am strong.  No matter what happens- I am strong, whole and joyful right now.  And I love, hard.  I am thankful I was offered the chance to hear his voice again; it brings it all back for me.  

I will succeed, and as an aside- I've been trying to figure out how to write about my experience but I think my "story" will end up as a guidebook of sorts.  My own guidance from above applied to my experience and shared.  I often feel like I am just "me" so how could I offer any guidance about how to overcome a twin soul separation?  We are not fully reunited yet so what do I possibly have to share of worth?  But see- I do not have that soul-sucking pain that others in the TS union feel, and I think it is because I work so hard to understand.  To be stronger.  To listen.  Not fully or completely, believe me!!!  I have a lot of growth yet to do- but I still feel I have guidance to offer.  So I will.  Spirit has helped heal me and I want to share with others how to, at least, rid yourself of that intense burning, stabbing sorrowful gut-wrenching pain.  I had it but thank GOD it is gone now. 

Something told me to go back through my old emails and read what I went through after Joron left me.  I have a spiritual mentor who means the world to me.  She's awesome, loving, strong and kind with a tight connection to Spirit.  She's also a best-selling author of witchy-fun novels.  We have the same name, and before she was able to retire to write full-time she was in the same exact profession as I am, doing the very same thing.  Odd?  I think not.  I am supposed to be walking a similar path as her.  Well I wrote her volumes after Joron and I separated, thank God.  I am able to look back at the Old Rose and see how much I have learned, how far I have come.

Oh. Holy. Shit.  I am so not the same person I was before.  Not at all.  It is INSANE how much I have change, transformed, for the better.  Unbelievable actually!!!  But I want to show you here a message I sent to her at the end of October.  Joron went quiet on 10-18-13; that is when the twin soul separation began.  And keep in mind he'd text me the night before wanting to "talk things out" but I got drunk on whiskey and passed out early so I missed his text- and that was the last time I heard from him for just a little while, but the days of total silence were enough to nearly kill me.

I was explaining to my friend what my guidance was telling me about Joron.  It is interesting for me to go back and see just how true all of this turned out to be, how important ENERGY is.  My guidance was begging me to work on healing myself, to rid myself of despair, to be joyful, and to LOVE love love this man in my heart.  I was also being pushed to please believe and trust the divine.  Keep in mind I did not know much of anything about "twin souls" at this time- I'd only heard the phase "twin flame" but back then I had no idea what it truly meant.

10-24-13

"Then the pendulum moved hard and fast and my guidance told me I absolutely must believe now.  Like totally trust or else I will ruin my life.  Told me it is of the utmost imperative importance that I give up my disbelief and doubt and surrender to trusting my guidance.  That they love me and are working from God who loves me and longs for my happiness.  I was overwhelmed, and I really do want to believe, so I let it be known inside of me that yes- I will trust now.  Whatever you say next I will trust, believe and follow- even if it something I don't want to hear.

They said again that Joron is my soul twin.  It is impossible for him to not love me because we are tightly energetically connected.  When I feel despair so does he.  When I feel hopeless so does he.  My guidance says our roles as boyfriend and girlfriend will remain but I MUST put my need for satisfaction in a relationship to the back burner and treat him with love, just love.  Everything with love, and I am to care for him above all else.  Guidance says this will be repaired, and the fact that I am taking it seriously now, quickly finding ways to begin to heal what is broken inside of me, helps the healing in the situation because... you reap what you sow.  They stress to me in a hugemongous way to believe now in energy and have no doubt.  They want me to read about it, teach myself  because when I read things that collaborate what I am told it begins to feel more like truth to me.  They said again- please trust, Rose.  I took a deep breath and said, "Can you feel how relieved I would be to just finally believe?"

I am going to believe now.  No- seriously.  My guidance tells me to hold Joron close to my heart and think of him as my boyfriend, love and friend and it will all work out.  I am going to just give in now and accept it.  I am told my love energy will help heal.  My belief will help heal.  I dare say I am throwing in the towel and giving up my doubt.  I will accept my guidance, know it will not steer me wrong, and release my fears of the future now.  My guidance says Joron still equates to joy and rapture if I will just defend the truth.  So here I am for the very first time believing in energy, really believing.  My guidance tells me to look at his pictures, think of him with love, and journal to him because he will "feel" all of that."

End of copy-paste.

What I see here, and this is just a very simple post, is that most of this is about the energetic connection.   My personal belief is that our souls give us what we ask for: we reap what we sow.  Soul makes sure of it.  So when I used to fear that he'd leave me or stop loving me, BAM- he left me and stopped loving me.  I sowed fear and I got fear.  I feared he would stop loving me and forget me and he did.  It's so simple.  The night we could have talked right before we separated- well I went ahead and turned to my vice of whiskey and got drunk, basically passed out and missed his request to talk, and that was the beginning of our twin soul separation.  Is it any coincidence or surprise that he disappeared the very night I caved to getting drunk yet again?  No.  In my mind it was to show me that I could no longer live my life the way I was living it.  Again I reaped what I sowed.  I turned to a vice in order to escape my fears and it backfired on me.  Joron has been used as a hard lesson for me.  I have had to face my fears, live my truth, own the love and stay as balanced as possible to even hear from him.  These unions are not for the weak.  We are expected to be strong and clear, and The Divine doesn't really "care" how much it hurts... although God is not out to "get us."  

God is actually out to get us... healed, and Spirit will heal us anyway Spirit can.  Often that is through this terrible ignoring, this horrid pain of having what we want most in life torn away from us... and it is torn away from us based on our own energy and not listening!  At least this is what I found in my case.  

As I look back at my old words I am reminded of just how powerful our thoughts and intentions really are.  This is why we are told to love unconditionally because when we lose that love, when we choose to close our hearts to our twin souls, they will slip away from us.  It's the mirroring.  But when we choose to hold tight at heart, to love beyond a shadow of a doubt, then the connection stays strong but that love must be free and clear and strong and pure.  It can't be sad and clingy and soul-sucking.  Also, we are all creators.  When we create using the love we have for a twin soul as our muse- that energy is nurtured, strengthened and is sent to our Beloveds.  I believe this.  I can see where I was given truth eight months ago.  It was just a truth that was so hard to have faith in yet I see it unfolding in my life right now.

Some will disagree and say "My twin isn't enlightened.  He's holding us back."  I can't really comment on those situations because it's not my situation.  I know everyone has a different path but I can see where others might be going through something similar to me.  I hope my words, my sharing guidance from above, can help you. 

Lastly- you must MUST get to a place that is free of despair and pain!!!  It is imperative that you do so.  No lack.  No sorrow.  No suffering.  PLEASE.  If you are mired in the mud and the muck of your sorrow and all you do is wallow in despair and missing of your twin soul then you are sending that pain and anguish right to them and it WILL keep you separated.  You must learn to live again.  If not then you will "hit" your twin with fear and he will be kept from you... by your own energy.

Do you see how this works?  Like really see it?  In my case I do.  He truly is my exact mirror.  I can not escape any of my low-energy habits because he feels everything in me and reflects it back to me by being pushed from me.  In my mind's eye I have this vision of him reaching out to me but being pushed back away from me.  Drifting backwards while stretching forward for me; it's how I feel when we separate... and no- it doesn't feel good.  It doesn't feel like him.  I don't blame him.  Am I pushing him back?  Only when I can be strong and whole, no fear, no resentment and only a completely healthy unconditional love is emitted from my insides will he come closer to me.  It's physics, entanglement.

It's brilliant really.