I loved Joron's communication and I missed it drastically. There was a void left behind after he left me that nothing, absolutely nothing, could replace. I loved him so so much. He emailed and text often so the complete absence of him, of his words, broke my heart. Literally. It felt like my heart was breaking open and oodles of rotten pain was pouring out. All the while my guidance assured me over and over that this was preplanned, predestined, the role of twin souls in order to heal each other and bring forward a shared destiny.
Even before I met Joron I was told that I would meet a wonderful man one day soon, have a child with him and become a published author. Writing had always been a passion of mine. I'd been a wordsmith as a child, and I had a trunk full of half written novels, beautfiul gems of ideas that I'd never brought to fruition. One I did though- my vampire novel, or as my soul calls it, "my monster-slayer novel." I had manifested writing a book from beginning to end quickly by doing a small full moon ritual years earlier. After the ritual I heard a song, OAR's "Shattered," that gave me an idea for a book and within two months it was written from beginning to end. BAM. I asked and received- never realizing all along that soul was helping me, just waiting for me to ask so the energy of my soul could co-create with me. Let's take a closer look at how that book writing process worked through soul, shall we? Manifestation will become a larger part of this picture later so now is a good time to bring to light a few points about how soul works for many of us.
- I got an urge to actually manifest and I did- I wrote out a ritual and put it under the full moon saying that I would write a book from beginning to end, quickly. I BELIEVED. Because I believed soul worked through me to make my request happen, a book written swiftly from the first word to "The End."
- A week or two later I heard a song with the lyrics, "I never knew a night could last so damn long," and suddenly I had an image of a male vampire, full of longing and pacing the floors awaiting the arrival of his human love, vividly in my mind's eye... who wouldn't feel the dreaded length of an endless night like a lonely vampire would? I found out later through this experience with Joron that soul, Spirit, The Divine, often uses songs to speak to us. "Shattered" was meant for me to hear and pay attention to; the lyrics "fed" me my idea. This had happened before as well but I never put two and two together until songs really started speaking to me through this twin soul separation. Soul totally guides through music.
- All the way back then I was being shown that writing was part of my Destiny- although I simply thought I liked writing and was good at it. Yes I "dreamed" of being a published author but I found out I was pregnant right after I finished the book and it got shelved {ha ha ha.} I didn't do anything more to try and fulfill my dream of being an author, even though one of my best friends and spiritual mentor, a woman with the same name as me and same career path before she became a full-time author as I did, had come into my life to be a mirror for me- to show me where my life was headed. Duhhhh...
Did you read that? Read again what an asshat I can be- FEAR fear fear. I allowed fear to ruin a beautiful moment between two people... as he spoke my DESTINY straight to me. Pay close attention to what I tell you here. No, come closer and write it down for later: soul will give you what you ask for. If soul tries and tries to heal you but you refuse to budge and insist on staying in fear, feeling unloveable and forgettable, then soul, The Divine, will ensure you get what you wish for. It is the only way to ensure we know our fears and face them- it's called self-fulfilling prophecy, or self-sabotage. I CREATED MY OWN REALITY in fearing that he wouldn't continue to love me, would abandon me, would reject me... and he did. *snap* Just like that.
After he ran I was told by my soul that we would still be married. "Dance with him at your wedding" was what I was told over and over, and I could just imagine dancing with Joron on our wedding day, sushi on the beach like he'd told me. But now he was gone and all I felt was his absence, no dream. No wedding. No baby. Just... gone.
October is my favorite month but this was my third October that pretty much sucked. Joron had planned to take me to meet his favorite Atheist scientist, and we were supposed to take my son to a pumpkin patch. He also wanted me to be all clingy frightened girlfriend at a local haunted house and now not only was he 2100 miles away but he also jilted me. I barely put out any Halloween decorations although the spooky holiday is my favorite of the year. Halloween evening was almost a rain out but the showers held off all night so it was perfect Halloween weather- dark billowy clouds with golden edges from the setting sun, a nice billowy breeze that made candles illuminating porch front jack-o-laterns flicker and dance. My son was a little ghost and I took him trick-or-treating while trying to put my broken heart on hold for Just. One. Evening. Just one so I could enjoy fully the time with my child. Luckily I am a pro at putting a shit-eating smile on my face in order to grin and bear it... to swallow the pain while in the presence of others, faking happiness, forcing survival, only to have the nasty-tasting anguish choke back up later when alone, probably while in a heap on the floor silently shaking and keening and praying for God to just kill me.
A few weeks went by and all the while my guidance was schooling me on twin souls, telling me that he was forcing me to face my fears by becoming my fear. I was told over and over to "write" but I didn't know what to write about, and I felt like months old dog poo left out in the sun to disintegrate away to a pile of stinky ass ash; the last thing I wanted to do was write. I had started FMLA so I had a couple days off per week and while I was home my guidance spent a long time guiding me, teaching me and walking me through what I came to find out was a specific spiritual healing process of "purging and releasing" pain. I now understand why soul advised me to take FMLA: on the days I was home I was in pain, and it is a heart pain and anguish, a deep sorrow like someone is ever so slowly cutting out dark dank cancer from your core with a dull knife using no anesthesia, that no one but those going through it themselves can understand or empathize with.
In November I had a wedding out of town to attend. While at the wedding I noticed one of the groomsmen to be the cat's meow. My twin was gone and I was heartbroken... and I was so sad to sit alone all night. I silently said to God, "I'd really like to dance with that man. I notice he has no ring and is here alone. I'm so sad." A while later my aunt came up to me and introduced me to The Handsome Man and we danced all night. He was charming, adorable and... from California. Sweeping me over the dance floor he had my heart beating fast and not just from all the twirling and dipping he did with me. He was a very very alluring man and being near him had me all in a tizzy. Fast forward to the end of the night and we are all at the hotel bar. Handsome Man was not there and I breathed a sigh of relief. I had told myself I was done with men for a while, and I was still very much in love with Joron despite him no longer being in my life. Just as I was starting to feel that familiar sorrow wash over me the door opened and in walked Handsome Man. He smiled, slid onto the seat next to me, and took my hand. We sat there looking at each other and I swear we had a silent conversation. As I looked into his eyes I told him with my mind, "Look you are really sexy and young and charming I am sad and missing someone dear to me and ohmygod I know you'd rock my world tonight but... I just can't do this with you." I smiled back and gently slid my hand from his and turned to face the rest of the group and just then, with no anger or animosity, he quietly got up from his seat and left the bar with no goodbye to me or his friends, just kind of wandered out and never came back. His friends were like, "What's up with him?" and I got the strangest feeling wash over me... like it was somehow meant to be that way, his leaving like that.
I fell asleep immediately and slept hard. In the morning I asked Spirit about the man I danced with. What was that all about? "You asked to dance with him didn't you?" Well, yes that I did. "But that was the only role he was to play for you last night. Your twin soul did not want you sitting by yourself all night lonely so he brought you someone to keep you company but at the end of the night it was to end. This is why you chose to kindly stop there, and this is why he chose to leave the tavern." As hard as it was to believe... I saw it and felt it, how he just got up and left after I smiled and removed my hand from his. I had been told he was a super friendly guy, best friends with my cousin the groom, not one to stomp out due to rejection. He just... listened to his soul tell him to leave lest I got tempted to do something I might regret later out of feeling lonely, sad and missing the love of my life.
I now had a few weeks of soul's teachings under my belt. It had been beaten into my head that Joron was not choosing to ignore me, that the separation was soul-orchestrated. His job offer was no coincidence but I'd already figured that out- no way that was an accident. Fate had a hand in that escapade. I was also schooled on facing fear: his cold and aloof manner was not truly him. It was a sign of his soul "turning his heart" down to me, and due to his fear over the craziness that had ensued between us. I was told he didn't mean the things he'd said to me, and that I'd have to face up to that fact sooner or later. I browsed the web and came upon a web forum for twin souls and I signed up. Gathering all my courage I wrote out a long post explaining everything my soul had told me over the last weeks about the twin soul dynamic. Now I had not heard from Joron for weeks, ever since he told me to leave him alone and lose his number. He also told me one thing that shattered my heart into little pieces, especially because it was based off the insanity my soul guided me to share- not from my heart. He told me, "I always used to enjoy reading what you wrote but now I don't want to read any more of your crap." Somewhere in there, some of it is a blur now, he mentioned maybe being "just friends" and I hear that many runner twins say this: just friends- like they can't bear to break the connection all together yet still need to run from the intensity of it. All I remember very vividly is that he was scared and not wanting anything much to do with me. We were done yet still it just felt right to share my guidance, see if it might help someone. I enjoy being a helper and guide, a light in the darkness.
I was still in the hotel and went to dinner with my family. While at dinner we began speaking of the universe and the science talk brought Joron right back to me... although he really never left me. I always felt him in my heart but sitting there talking about the cosmos forced me to swallow hard, breathe deeply and blink away the tears. I missed him so so much. I longed to hear his honey-smooth voice; that chuckle... oh God how I ached to hear him laugh again! I never knew I could miss another person so fully or deeply until Joron was no longer in my life.
After dinner I went back to the solace of my empty room and sobbed. Then I fired up my laptop to see if my post had been read, and yes it had been seen- by many people actually. They had given it five stars and many people told me that my guidance really helped them. A few said my experience sounded exactly like theirs, like aliens had taken over the bodies of their twins. One person told me she'd had a really rough time of it but my words had given her hope. This knowledge, that I'd helped people, made me smile. I had written it all out in full belief and just then, right then as I was really BELIEVING, an email popped into my inbox.
From Joron.
My breath stopped cold and I felt my heartbeat accelerate rapidly. The timing was eerie. "Don't think it is a coincidence" were the chilling words my guidance told me as I clicked on his message. I got the feeling that I'd done something right in writing on the forum, sharing, and then he wrote to me. Weird huh? Well it was a "pattern" that would come to show itself over and over again over the next months. I read his words and froze. Fear washed over me and I had to stop, take a deep breath and control myself. His words were fairly cold and sterile telling me that he was thinking about how sexy I was. No warmth, no love. Only that he was thinking of my sexy body: big deep fears here, Dear Reader. Fears that his love had never been true and was based only on the intensity of our physical connection. Joron was magnetically, magically attracted to me. My guidance felt me tussle over his words. "What are you going to believe, me or Joron? Haven't I told you he will hit you with fear to ensure you face down your fears of being unworthy?"
So I sat there contemplating and finally I told the universe, "I don't believe you. This is not the real him." I wrote back something mild, holding back the fear I felt while desperately trying to be brave and listen to my soul, which started the oddest and most surreal email exchange I've ever had before. His words were clipped and short, blunt at first. He tried so hard to push me, and now I can totally see how soul was working me over good! He wrote, "See, whenever I think of you all I think of is your sexy body." It was like "poke poke poke" do you feel me poking you with fear?" And then the feeling behind his words changed. I could sense his fear and a little confusion but then some real emotion began to creep in. It was all so strange. He wrote, "I wish we could go back to when we couldn't wait to talk to each other or see each other." He told me he wanted to come back and see me... he asked me to make him feel comfortable talking to me again. He said, "I wish I could kiss you every night." Even through my fear my heart broke a little for him- he was struggling, and struggling hard. I firmly believe soul was working hard through him right then and it was probably as disconcerting and confusing for him as it was for me. He said it was probably "just attraction" we'd shared, yeah- just attraction. I wrote back that we'd had a strong connection, and he agreed but still the tension was high. Then he hit me with a strange request: send him a sexy video and if I did, call and he'd answer the phone. After much inner debate, and then my guidance telling me, "He misses you so much- just send him what he's asking for and then call him," I did it. I did NOT feel comfortable about it but I did it, and after I sent it I sat there thinking... is he really going to answer the phone? I have not heard his voice in weeks- this has to be the strangest situation ever.
So I got up the nerve to call him, I'd only tried about twenty times before after he ran and he never answered, but this time he actually answered the phone. I almost cried hearing his voice. I never thought I'd hear from him again but here he was talking to me, and man it started SO strange. I told him I was in a hotel room in Ohio for a wedding, and from there we stumble bumbled over some conversation until he told me I scared him. My crazy words about the "vice" scared him... but get this- he could not remember the rest. I'd actually also been pressed to send him some stupid message about his childhood that was dead wrong, and then the message telling him I never wanted to hear from him again- and he didn't remember either of those messages. He said, and I still can't believe this, "You told me I was an addict. That was so crazy. You scared me," and he genuinely did sound scared- so scared that I was amazed he was on the line with me. Honestly do you blame the poor guy? His girlfriend turned into a psycho pretty much overnight accusing him of being an addict {and you can tell how I am gingerly side stepping to avoid being specific} among other things. Of course he was scared of me. We had all these miles and a bunch of fear and drama between us. Fun stuff.
This is one thing that makes me believe all of this is real, as strange and surreal as it all seems. When I sent him the goodbye message telling him I was going to be dating again soon... I went as far as to tell him, and I swear this was not from me, that I would have waited for him forever but since he no longer wanted me, was making the choice to turn away from me, that "this pussy was no longer his." Yep- that's what I said to him under a month earlier and suddenly he couldn't remember that I'd written those highly memorable words to him. Who forgets something like that? Yet the only thing he could remember were my words about his vice and how it would ruin his life. He said, "And what was all that other crazy stuff you told me about?" I asked him if he deleted the old messages and he said he did so I told him I couldn't remember either. And then the call got weirder. This man, an intelligent scientist, was in a fog. He was not drunk and even had he been drinking he would not have behaved like he did. It was not normal, and definitely not normal for the man I knew and loved just weeks earlier. He tried telling me that we had no connection. He said he knew he should not even be talking to me because besides being physically attracted to me there was no connection. And he said he was thinking of coming back but didn't think he could see me, or should see me. But he raved in a really strange manner about how I am Goddess-like in my beauty and appeal... it was just so strange. The irony there is when we were dating he constantly raved about our strong connection, how we could talk science and the cosmos together, and how no other woman had ever understood or appreciated him like I did- and now here he was trying to say we had no connection. I gathered all my courage and silently told soul to quit testing me. And I told Joron, "How can you say that? Don't you remember how we shared all those links to your favorite scientists? How you were going to take me to meet your Atheist rock star? All those hours on the phone debating religion, life and love? How can you say we had no connection?"
There was a pause while he was thinking and then he said so so strangely, "Ohhhhh yeah! You're right," like a wave of recollection was washing over him. "You are so right! You're a great gal Rose. I can talk to you about anything! You are so super smart, so unlike other women. And God are you beautiful... on a scale of one to ten you are a nine on brains but beauty you are like an eleven. SOOOOO sexy and smart and beautiful. We talked about everything. I miss talking science with you."
I just looked at the phone in my hand and marveled at the dream-like nature of what was happening to me. There was no sarcasm in his words but instead an almost childlike sense of purity and being genuine and heartfelt. His demeanor softened completely. He turned back into my boyfriend again and my heart just broke. We talked then, really talked. It felt amazing to talk to him again. I said something and he laughed and said, "See that's what I love so much about you." At one point he asked to call me right back and I wondered if he actually would. During the wait I asked Spirit what the HELL was going on and I was told that he was "acclimating" to being "turned back on" and that's why he seemed so strange. I just did not know what to think- it felt like a dream.
He did call back, and when he did he asked me very soft and quiet, "So are you home?" I said no- that I was in the hotel out of state, remember? He said, "Oh. Right... so... do you want to see me? Like when I get back do you want to see me?" and the way he asked me was so full of uncertainty, soft and gentle and imploringly like he was so scared I would not want to see him, like I didn't love him that I almost cried. I did choke up a bit and I said, "Oh my God yes I want to see you! I love you! I still want to marry you and have a baby with you and live with you and my son, remember?" He was quiet and I sighed and told him I needed to go to bed. It was 2AM and I'd about hit my limit of total surreality for one night. But before I hung up the phone I told him, "I love you Joron," and he said, "I love you too Rose."
And I sobbed as I hit "end" on my phone because I just knew I would not hear from him. He did text me right away like he always did after we talked at night while dating. He said he hated saying goodbye, that he loved talking to me, that he missed me and my sexy legs and kisses, and he wished he could kiss me and make love to me every night. Me? I was scared still. Confused. Was Spirit right or was this guy some kind of psycho? Was he just messing with me? Trying to make me crazy? But no- I felt his confusion and fear as well while we talked. He had always been so genuine and kind. I knew, even though it was hard to believe and my fear told me otherwise, that he, the old Joron I knew while he was still my loving boyfriend, was still there. And he loved me.
I fell asleep and when I woke I saw that he'd continued to text me. And again he did the strangest thing ever, and he'd done it before and continued to it later. He wrote, "I'm so sad that you don't love me. I love you so much but you don't love me anymore," and then he disappeared again for a few weeks.
I have to say we did this dance for six months and I miss him entirely, like an integral piece of me, a necessary part, is missing. I know how to be alone and independent but without my part, that piece that helps me tick at optimal condition, my heart will never be completely whole. I love my little twin soul, my Science Trip, more than any human 3D words can say. Despite my doubt which can still tussle me at times I do know this man's soul is working hard through him to ensure I heal all the way, totally, completely and fully.
I love you my dear Price, always. Thank you for helping me. I miss you. *kisses*
The words: "I always used to enjoy reading what you wrote but now I don't want to read any more of your crap." were essentially what I told my twin last November after receiving the last of a long line of cards expressing her love to me even as our world fell apart. My words, too, were soul-driven rather than heart-driven.
ReplyDeleteOh my god. How devastating and cruel are the ways of spirit.
ReplyDeleteI just read over some of what I wrote here so long ago. I rarely read through this blog because it hurts. It brings James and the whole experience right back. But to clarify, spirit isn't cruel. Law of Attraction can be an ass-kicker though. If you are focused on the wrong stuff, fear, painful memories, vengeance, anger, then situations and people will bring similar-feeling experiences your way. It really isn't spirit although back then I felt like it was, and YES I was mad. I understand better now. Spirit was trying hard to guide me toward the right way and I ignored it. Spirit tried to help me avoid the pain but I didn't listen. And six years later I still love him and miss him. I feel like I'll always feel this way. I have regrets.
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