The Beginning: Finding The Love of My Life

 "Where have you been all my life...?" 

I met him face to face at forty, the love of a lifetime.  I knew before I met him that I’d love him; his energy shivered around him like a quivering exuberant puppy, my gem.  A scientist and Atheist, our polarity seemed huge yet we resonated with each other in a completely magnetic manner.  Me already being aware of the sensations and energy behind soul mate love I had an idea that our souls had met before and this would be a reunion of sorts but I was not prepared, and neither was he, for the ride we were about to embark upon, a rollercoaster ride of six weeks of intense and immediate love, or as he said it, “six years of love squeezed into six weeks.”

We met online in a way only Spirit could orchestrate. I opened a door for a past love to walk through, a past love who really needed to stay in the past.  I opened that door and my twin soul charged through and into my life.  I had not been looking for anyone new and had very specifically told God I was done with men for a while.  For our very first email exchange which he titled “Empathy” I knew there was something special about Joron, and I was right.  He is a butterfly- more soul than human, pure joy.  Light, bright, and if the world was comprised of more people like him then we’d all be living in peace and harmony with the freedom to think and feel each how we’d like with no interference from religion or politics.  Joron has a wonderful heart and a beautiful soul, facts that were to be reiterated to me by my own soul soon enough. 

According to the twin soul “lore” we share a very specific soul energy, two full complete halves of one soul. Believe me I balked at this information too but based on the events surrounding our meeting, our lives prior to meeting, and the magic surrounding our time together plus all I’ve learned since he’s been gone there is no doubt in my mind he is my most powerful soul mate, the male half of me, the yang to my yin, and I will love and adore him forever and ever amen. 

Our initial email exchange was intense and fun with major getting to know you.  He wanted to know everything about me: hopes, dreams, likes, dislikes, turn ons, turn offs, and desires.  He was interesting in finding out what made me tick.  We exchanged photos and… I thought he was the most adorable being I’d ever laid eyes on.  “Is this guy for real?” was all I could think after I gingerly clicked on the files he’d attached to his email.  Anyone who has online dated knows the trepidation of opening the email attachments- attraction is attraction, and beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  Total happy dance- he was intelligent, passionate, attentive, exciting and totally a cutie.  Warm caring smile, round rosy cheeks, and the most beautiful, mirthful glittering blue eyes I’d ever seen.  I was definitely wondering what he was doing lurking around online instead of beating women away from him with sticks while out in public. 

Within a few more emails I was to find that he was not only the most expressive man I’d ever stumbled upon but also an Atheist, a fact that at that moment gave me slight pause.  I’d never met anyone before who labeled himself as an Atheist.  Here I am a totally open to spirit believe and he's an Atheist… the total opposition of our angles sent off a warning signal somewhere deep inside of me that said, “Warning!  Lesson ahead!”   I strive to be as non-judgmental as possible {a fact that would be tested shortly} so I figured he could educate me on the life of an Atheist since I really didn’t know what it consisted of, a total and completely disbelief in a higher power?  Worshiping The Flying Spaghetti monster? I wasn’t quite sure but the magnetism I felt for him far outweighed any hesitation I felt over his non-belief, well at first.  Once I let fear set in I allowed his difference to work me into a religion-based tizzy and I cancelled our first date.  Funny how certain things that seem so important at one point can mean utterly nothing later.  I laugh now to think our beliefs or lack thereof ever meant anything more than passing interest to us.  What I would not give to have my gem back with me in all his Atheist glory.  Differences become minimal and polarity disappears when soul separates and love is parted.  Heartache very quickly sweeps differences right out the window until only true love is left behind.    

Joron is not a man to hide behind email or text.  He immediately asked for a phone call and… I will never forget the moment I first heard his voice.  A voice, to me, is important; it can either attract or repel; I think it's intuition.  He asked me to call him {swallowing hard as I write this because the lack of his presence in my life still cuts like a dull knife straight through my tender heart} and the sound of his voice, the smile in his tone when he said hello in that slow adorable singsong way of his, felt like I was coming home.  I nearly melted into a little pool of butter right there.  I wanted to curl up with the phone and take him to bed with me.  We talked for hours about life, science, religion, education… and each other.  I miss our conversations- experiences such as this one make a person realize how easy it is to watch something or someone cherished slip away; it teaches a deeper appreciation for reveling in the moment, to take the time to really be in the moment, to cement a memory instead of worrying about the fiction which is tomorrow. 

Out on my deck under the August stars, the night air beginning to cool just a bit, I sat Indian style smiling and laughing as we talked.  I can see that woman in my mind’s eyes: happy, anticipatory and content.  Totally unaware that Fate with a Capital F had planned such a life-altering experience as the one that waited ahead.  At that moment, shorts and a t-shirt with my hair piled up on my head in its customary bird’s nest, I was already fast in love.

We talked a lot about God.  I was honest about my channeling but back then I thought I was talking to an angel.  Allow me to take a moment to explain how, for some of us, Spirit works.  I believe throughout my entire life my soul knew what I could and could not handle spiritually, and oh how I have been tested and pushed to overcome fear.  But my guidance has always been tailored to match my spiritual development.  At my weakest and most vulnerable I had a spirit guide named Hope.  Then it turned to Thomas, a suitable name for an energy that forced me through a boatload of fear and doubt, “Doubting Thomas,” not to mention that Thomas is also known as “the twin.”  After Thomas I felt I had Arch Angel Michael with me because the energy of my guidance turned very strong and kick ass; I was being turned into a warrior, being purged of as much inner shit as possible in order to prepare me for my future spiritual experiences.  In the end what I have learned is it was always my soul teaching me in the way soul knew I needed to be taught.  Either that or my soul brought me the spiritual entities it knew I would need to be guided properly through my journey.  Many people as they begin their spiritual quest feel more comfortable being guided by some type of external all-loving divine force like a spirit guide or angel.  I do believe these energies are with us and help guide us but in the end, for myself, I’ve learned that it is my own soul, my God-self, offering me direction and divine care.  It is that egoless purely divine love part of me that is simply a part of “All That Is” just like everyone else has access to.

Joron knew about my connection with The Divine and we had major discussions about religion.  As an Atheist he has an affinity towards the brilliant evolutionary biologist and famous Atheist Richard Dawkins; along the way what Joron and I found is our feelings towards organized religion are very similar.  I agree with many points that Dawkins makes but I completely disagree with his idea of who God is, this wrathful vengeful God.  Suffice to say I, similar to an agnostic or Atheist, do not believe in a wrathful all-controlling Creator.  Far from it.  I do not believe in sin, guilt or shame as it is taught by religion.  Yet I believe in God and meeting this man was another lesson in learning how to strip myself of all preconceived notions concerning “differences.”  Much of our conversation concerned religion and he spoke freely of his Atheism.  He explained that it is not tolerated well in society and many Atheists are demonized and looked down upon.  He told me how hard it was for him to meet women because most didn’t want a second date after learning of his choices.  It was obvious he was excited and thrilled to meet me as I gave the impression of being understanding, open and kind… that is until I let fear and my old programming to take over.

After a week or so of constant emails, texts and phone calls a few things were evident: we were bound to meet was number one.  The magnetism between us was undeniable with sparks flying over the wire when talking, butterflies sweeping across the page via email.  Joron’s way with words is remarkable; I fell in love with him first through his words.  His emails and text messages thrilled me and I looked forward to our communication like I was planning a mini-vacation; his words swept me away.  As I write this we have limited communication and at times it truly breaks my heart.  I long for the passion, the freedom to reach out to him and know he will respond in kind, the swapping of ideas, the sharing of heart.  Joron is an expert at knowing how to share his heart.  Words are powerful and hold more energy and intention that most people realize.  I came to learn over the course of our relationship just how important words can be, how to treat them with respect and ensure intention is always pure and of the highest good.

We learned before we met that as my fortieth birthday was approaching, so was his.  He was born hours after me, not quite a full day but the time of day landed his birthday the day after mine.  Our fortieth birthdays fell back to back, and not only that but he asked me where I was born and we discovered we were born in the same hospital.  Our mothers may have spoken to each other.  We may have slept next to each other, heard each others new born baby snuffles, coos or cries.  I wonder if I had the urge back then to soothe him even back then.  We shared the same space, the same energy upon being brought into this world… I envision it as our souls held hands while descending to earth, kissed and hugged with a goodbye that entailed a “See you soon sweetheart,” as I entered my infant body and then hours later he entered his and the journey began.

Upon learning that we were born together he teasingly said, “See I told you I knew you from somewhere!”  Joron swears he met me before, and to me he also has always felt familiar but besides our shared birth time and place I know we’ve never met physically before forty.  He wrote to me two tidbits before asking for a first date that have been burned into my memory forever, two poignant gems that show what an ultimate lover this man is, and just how tuned into our connection he was from the start.  He wrote, “I held out for my destiny to be born before me,” and he said he wanted me to be the last women he kissed in his thirties, the first woman he kissed in his forties, and the last women he kissed ever.  I still pray every day that these statements be made manifest because I love this man with a depth and tenderness previously unknown to me, and our connection is unearthly strong.  Those words from him, so innocent and kind, now haunt me.  Back when he wrote them I remember the smile that spread across my face, joyful and illuminating; his expression of tenderness bid me offer thanks to God for introducing me to someone so wonderful, open and sweet.

It’s been seven months since we last kissed and throughout all of our chaos I thought for sure I may never kiss those amazing lips again, let alone ever hear from him again, but the divine works in mysterious ways and now as we have thawed the strange fear-facing cold and quiet, the desire to be with anyone else, to kiss anyone else besides each other seems to be non-existent.  We may no longer be a traditional couple but the love and fidelity remains as an honest reflection of the intentsity and longevity of soul mate love. My personal journey of faith, hope and love urges me to believe that yes: he was speaking from his soul even in the beginning but neither of us realized it.  We didn’t gingerly feel our way into our blue moon love.  No, we ran into it with the force and intensity of an out of control freight train and along the way the smoldering emotion was strong enough to overshadow the strange signs, synchronicity and blatant magic of our coming together.  It wasn’t until after we were parted that the truth began to make itself known: he is my twin soul. 

It’s been seven months without him now, seven long months he’s been gone with very little contact and loads of fear, longing and grief… major challenges to overcome and life lessons to learn, yet neither one of us has strayed to another and the memory of being together, oh and of those magical kisses, refuses to die between us.  
If we only live once... although I know we live lifetime after lifetime- I always wanna be with you.