Confessional: Why I Love This Man So Much... *Vices*

Because this is my blog and I can write what I want to- I am confessing this final bit about my relationship with alcohol which has, gladly, come to an end.  In the future I will be able to attend a wine tasting or have a martini while out with the girls but my days of drinking at home to "escape" are wayyyy over.  Knowing my twin soul, how he reacts to me energetically in ways that totally show me what I am derailing when I don't use my energy properly, can hurt at times.  When he pulls away as he mirrors my own energy it can make my heart ache but at the end of the day when my awareness level increases and my healing has progressed through our "dance" I can then look at his often strange reactions as little mystical "hugs" from his soul in order to help heal me.  I thank my Joron for hugging my soul... and he hasn't let me go.

http://www.examiner.com/article/new-study-finds-alcoholism-twice-as-fatal-for-women

Here's a scary statistic: according to a study published in the January issue of  Alcoholism: Clinical & Experimental Research alcoholism may be twice as deadly for women than men.  The 14-year study from Germany found that women with alcohol addiction were five times more likely to die during those 14 years than women in the general population.  Five times!  And alcoholism in women is becoming an alarmingly growing problem.  At the end of high school, beginning of college, I watched my mother stand at the stove trying to cook dinner while she was falling down drunk.  I'd have to step in to ensure she didn't burn the beans or set the house on fire.  My baby sister and her little friend would have sleep overs and I'd watch them while my mother was incoherent- it was definitely a hidden problem but my mother's father had been a recovering alcoholic himself.  I'd find her empty vodka bottles squirreled away in boxes in the basement... and my father, at first, wanted to ignore the issue- he was an addict too but a functioning alcoholic and intermittent drug user {they'd had six foot tall marijuana plants growing in our basement for years- my dad smoked and sold the stuff.}  My brother who is three years younger than me didn't know how to handle it... and I was the oldest so I did the best I could.

Now over twenty years later both my parents are recovered completely and they work closely in AA to help guide and save other people.  I am sure both my parents have helped save lives due to their commitment to being lights in the darkness for those who are struggling with alcoholism.  I've been at their house when my dad will get one of those calls where I hear him quietly say, "Okay- you can get through this..." as he helps someone step away from a drink.  They wouldn't be helping people had they not experienced their own dark times and addictions- funny how that works, isn't it? 

Alcoholism is rampant on both sides of my family, and in my immediate family both of my parents are recovering with over twenty years of sobriety.  I started drinking more than I should, and with my family history I really should not drink at all, about ten years ago.  I started working in Chicago and would stay out with my friends and get totally shitfaced- not a pretty thing to admit.  It became a total crutch for me to avoid my life issues.  Then I got married and my marriage was lonely so I drank, not enough to get drunk but enough to "calm" my mind.  I didn't drink every day, and I could go for a long time, weeks or whatever, without drinking so I wasn't "addicted" but I swear to all things holy the only reason why I am not an alcoholic is due to divine intervention.

As I've explained already, Spirit gave me very sign and message to tell me to stop drinking.  I'm VERY sensitive to any stimulants or depressants.  I can barely take any medication beyond a Tylenol without experiencing whatever the adverse side affects may be.  I should not be drinking.  The last instance of Joron showing me how drinking affects me was a few months ago.  I'd already been shown to stay away from drinking, especially hard liquor but I caved and drank twice in one week.  Here is how it went down...

Joron and I began getting closer around Valentine's Day.  Our communication was strengthening, and he was reaching out on a routine basis.  We had a few long deep phone calls.  He wrote just about every day, and he was back to his sweet, kind loving self.  And suddenly I freaked the fuck out inside.  I got nervous, let all my good sense and strength slide, and I drank whiskey one night, got pretty drunk.  I also did not hear from Joron.  Then a couple days later I did it again- totally stupid.  I drank and when I drink I get very morose, depressed and at times angry.  All my fear and doubt rushes up to the surface and I freak out- I crash into FEAR big time.  I am ashamed to admit that I, for a night, turned into my mother as I tried to take care of my own child while being drunk- a state my guidance had worked hard to get me to avoid {and no worries- that was THE last time, believe me.}  I don't feel I will get a free pass forever- one of these days disaster will strike if I continue to screw up and keep drinking.  I'm done tempting fate, done turning to my vices in order to escape life.  I've learned that not only is it unhealthy and not right but also I have to pay for it- and I no longer want to.

During this strange week of radiating huge amounts of fear out into the universe a friend and coworker who was vacationing near my where Joron lives wrote to me on FB and said she could "feel" me, asked if I was okay.  I told her I was struggling.  Later in the week, again when I was totally fearing, she reached out and told me she could feel me.  I realized that if she could feel me, what did Joron, my twin who was linked to me, feeling from me?  He'd been eerily silent all week long when the week before we'd been openly communication, and I'd written nothing in 3D that should have caused any differnece in our interaction.  On the surface nothing had changed- only my energy had spun out of control and into fear.

I know it was my energy and the drinking.  The whole week went by, seven days, and Monday night I sat trying to channel and it wouldn't work.  Nothing was coming. I wanted to know why the silence... and suddenly an email popped through from Joron: it was ALL fear.  He went from the week before being so nice and loving and open and now, suddenly, he was weirdly "falsely" strangely cold.  He said, "Sorry I didn't respond all week.  I was busy with work.  It was so fun and I was so excited! I'm just that science guy who pushes everything off for his science.  I know you probably don't want that guy but I don't think I can change.  I sure do miss your kisses though."

I knew immediately upon reading his words, and feeling his energy, that his response was divinely planned.  He'd felt my nastiness and was responding by pulling away, shoving my fear of him choosing his career over me in my face.  Immediately my channeling began.  My guidance asked me, "So how does fear feel?"  I said it sucked and was told, "When you concentrate on fear you dabble in creating monsters."  I made Joron, again, into a monster by hitting him with all my fear, doubt and alcohol-induced low negative energy.

This process, at least for me, is inescapable.  The only way I could escape it is if I tried walking away from my twin soul, and that is not something I want to do... and it would also mean running from myself since this process is working to heal me. 

It took a good three weeks of energetic work on myself before I came out of feeling so low.  Only then did Joron and I reconnect.  We are very linked so when my guidance tells me that his "ignoring" me is because his soul refuses to ignore or overlook anything inside me that needs to heal- and the silence is used to kinda "force" my healing- I believe it. I HATE his silence.  Don't get me wrong- I understand I need to be a strong, healthy woman for myself and my son.  One time since then was I tempted, a little, to drink.  I was offered it and I turned it down.  Later that evening I felt so good knowing I was fading off to sleep naturally instead of crashing into an alcohol sleep where I wake too early feeling like shit.  I will never do that again, and for those of you wondering as you read this- I don't need AA or a recovery program.  I'm not an addict where my body needs it- I just had to really see how drinking affects me and my energy.  If I drink I know I will eventually kill myself, and in the time being I will for sure kill the connection with my twin.  I could become an alcoholic if I continue to use alcohol as a crutch.  Not to mention I have my little man I need to be a strong mommy for.  So the drinking is over.  Huge relief.  I want a good life more than I want that next drunk.  I'm doing well in learning how to turn from any vices and instead just face life head-on.

But do you see?  Do you see how my twin works with me to show me these huge aspects of myself that I am forced to, finally, change?  I'm told by my guidance that I really need to love this man because he sacrifices part of himself in order to do this dance with me, and I can understand this.  Sometimes the knowledge is still hard to swallow.  My ego hurts when I don't hear from him- but the silence propels me to change.  I understand and I do love him for helping to make me more aware.  Again, without him I'd still be wallowing in fear and doubt, and I'd probably be a train wreck with the drinking.  

I hear You say
My love is over
It's underneath
It's inside
It's in between

The times that you doubt me
When you can't feel
The times that you question
Is this for real

The times you're broken
The times that you mend
The times you hate me
And the times that you bend

Well my love is over
It's underneath
It's inside
It's in between

The times that you're healing
And when your heart breaks
The times that you feel like you've fallen from grace

The times you're hurting
The times that you heal
The times you go hungry and are tempted to steal

In times of confusion
In chaos and pain
I'm there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame

I'm there through your heart-ache
I'm there in the storm
My love I will keep you by my power alone

I don't care where you've fallen or where you have been
I'll never forsake you
My love never ends
It never ends, mmmm