Chapter One {Thoughts Welcome!}

 

Well I am trying to write.  It's not the easiest thing in the world to do when I am in the midst of a strong twin soul separation yet I know it is my "mission" to share what I have learned so it can help others, and while I like my blog... it can only touch so many.  I am not writing because I am a "gifted writer" but because my guidance has shown me an exceptional experience with step-by-step instruction and I know in order to be service-to-others instead of service-to-self it's time for me to crank out a book that explains what I've been taught and shown.  This is not a book about "how to reunite with a twin soul."  I have to admit I wish it were because I miss Joron a lot... yet I know I can't allow myself to wallow in not having him in my life.  He is pretty quiet again- affection is limited as it's been over and over throughout this dance.  I asked for a "hit" of affection to keep me going and I got it.  Now it's my turn to be strong and do what I know needs to be done.  So here is the first chapter of my book.  Any thoughts are welcome.

Chapter One

Being ignored hurts like Hell, especially when it is done by someone you are completely in love with.  Being ignored has the capability of making a person feel utterly worthless and unimportant because when we are not being paid any attention it is easy to feel forgotten and rejected or like we are not a priority in another’s life.  Being ignored can feel like Hell on earth when in one moment life is blissful and sweet, being spent with the love of your life, and then the next moment that one special someone withdraws any and all contact and the prior love and affection disappears, sometimes overnight.  Being ignored can rip out a person’s heart while bringing every fear, limitation, emotional illness, addiction, and personal demon to the surface to be faced instead of being… ignored.   An experience such as this, falling deeply in love with another human being and that person disappearing either literally or figuratively off the face of the earth and abruptly turning into a stranger with little or no reason or notice, is nightmarish and surreal and can force an individual into The Dark Night of The Soul, otherwise known as “hitting rock bottom,” faster than most any other experience on earth.  Being ignored can descend us to a place of sorrow and despair where immediately our loud egos and strong wills begin to scream and fight and die what can be a slow and painful death. 

 

The intense pain of being ignored by that one special someone, the person you love more than life itself, can be used as a source of healing from God when all else has failed, when personal lessons are to be learned, and when the inner gunk we carry inside us {old fears, wounds and suffering} begins to fester and turn into sickness that desperately needs to be healed.  Ignoring, as painful as it is, can work wonders because it can bring a person to her knees, finally surrendering in order to release control, the intense pain actually bringing us closer to God.  Being ignored is a role God puts into action so we are finally so despairing that we listen.
 

The Divine is loving but strong, persistent in its desire to keep us healthy and whole.  Being ignored is a powerful instrument of Spirit which uses our separation from that while we love most to force us to finally live the lives our souls have chosen for us, and those lives do not include falling prey to vices, clinging to fear or settling for less than we deserve in life

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My tale is a love story of the most unique kind.  It is a story of the divine connection between myself and the love of my life, a kind soul named Joron who is helping to heal me and save my life by loving me deeply and then leaving me in order to break me open so I could find myself, my divinity, my final healing and God.  My journey has been long and at times very painful but working through the suffering and fear of being what I felt was abandoned was the only way I was able to continue transforming from a mere third dimensional human to knowing myself as soul, a slice of God-energy.  In wrongly insisting to myself that all my old beliefs of being worthless and unlovable were real I made my worst fears come true so I could face them down and begin my Enlightenment.  Joron agreed before we came to earth together to help me in this process by contracting with me through soul to love me and then leave me, and it has been by far the most challenging experience of my life but one that has also brought me the most healing, enlightenment and love.

   

You know how it is said that “thoughts are things” or “be careful what you wish for because it might just come true?”  Well I am here to tell you that both of those statements and many others concerning “The Law of Attraction” are very very true- your soul will serve up to you on a platter, a platter that often feels tarnished and beaten to Hell, that which you think of, or fear, most.  My biggest fears had concerned being emotionally abandoned or “left behind” and this man, Joron, my soul helper, became the physical manifestation of my worst fears when he left me high and dry after professing his desire to share a life with me and my son.  Now of course I know that love comes and goes, and as a mature responsible adult I am able to bow out gracefully from a relationship once it ends {been there, done that and got the t-shirt.}  In the case of Joron though… our entire relationship from beginning to end has been surrounded by magic, divinity, signs and undeniable {even for a doubtful skeptic like myself} synchronicity until, in the end after he left, it was told to me by my Higher Self that he is what is known as my “twin soul.”  From that moment on our “separation” has been divinely guided as deeper truth about our cosmic connection has been revealed.  Believe me- I know how to walk away when a relationship ends but when one has The Divine showing her a healing process between two cosmically entwined souls who love each other tremendously… well one doesn’t just turn her back and walk away out of third dimensional fears or resentment.  I’ve bolstered myself and am charging forward in my soul quest to heal and learn the true definition of what it means to love unconditionally despite pain, fear and resentment.

See, truth is human beings are, in their natural state, balls of glowing, dynamic, untamable, creative, beautiful and sometimes unpredictable spirit.  Soul energy.  We are each comprised of soul energy and it is the same stuff of which the stars are made.  This energy is encased in our human vessel, our temple.  We are like butterflies, more soul than human- just waiting for the glorious moment of change to throw off the confines of our chrysalis so we are free to find our wings.  No longer regaled to the ground like the lowly caterpillar but ready to reach metamorphosis, we long to experience transformation, to realize we are much more than merely human- to claim our divinity so we can soar, truly fly. 

 

Unfortunately for many due to society, family wounds, addictions, personal demons, religion- a myriad of life reasons can dim the soul’s light or drown out the voice of soul leaving one to wander in seeming darkness, essentially taming what was meant to be untamable which leaves us grounded and unable to reach the heights we were originally designed for by God.  Our spirits weaken, our temples crumble and turn to taverns.  This dark place is not a state that soul chose for us.  It is not a state of being that soul chose for me, to have my divine inner light be dimmed for my life here on earth due to my past circumstances and the lingering effect those circumstances had on me.

 

It is said that God works in mysterious ways and I am here to attest to that fact.  The Divine chose a very unique way in which to heal me of my lingering fear, doubts, insecurity and low self-worth: I met the love of my life and he essentially healed me by leaving me and then proceeded to spiral me down to the pits of Hell on earth by ignoring me, falling into silence, for weeks on end.  After creating a strong relationship together he left me high and dry, completely and abruptly ignoring me after we had become nearly inseparable- he literally became my worst fears come true.  His silence sent me into a state of terror; I was propelled through a very strong healing process that essentially “wrung out” all the emotional wounds inside of me due to the painful healing process I experienced after he fell off the face of the earth and then slowly but surely began reaching back out to me in a very divinely timed manner.

   

After an initial Hellish silence that left me alone to face my fears what began was a cosmic process of divinely orchestrated communication from  Joron that proved our separation was pre-planned through divine intervention, and his silence, his “ignoring,” was manifested by Spirit to force me to overcome my deepest and darkest monsters.  Through him, my soul mate love, I have been stripped of deep layers of shit that had lingered inside of me, old wounds that had for years refused to fully be healed, and I have also learned unconditional love for myself and others.

 

Before meeting Joron I drank too much, especially whiskey, a vice that had me teetering on the edge of alcoholism.  I started smoking which would have created another addiction.  I had the tendency to distraction “date” in order to ignore my life and convince myself, wrongly of course, that male attraction meant I was worthy.  After the end of my second failed marriage I turned to a, thankfully short, phase of self-destructive and dangerous promiscuity that left me with a total sense of self-loathing and disgust as I found myself doing things with strangers I never before imagined I’d subject myself to.  Little by little I found that old pain and festering fear was causing me to lose myself.  Then I met Joron and my life quickly and violently changed as I was propelled through a roller coaster ride of facing my deepest darkest fears so they could finally, and thoroughly, be healed.  I was also shown through Joron what indulging in my vices did to screw up my spiritual energy; for example if I got drunk my energy would not only plummet and derail our telepathic soul connection but Joron would also, totally unknowingly, react to me in fear which mirrored the fact that I was abusing myself and my energy. Enduring the painful separation from my soul mate cured me of all my vices and showed me that God is very much real, and that our souls guide us strongly- sometimes more strongly than I, and others, are willing to accept.

Spiritual relationships can be called “psychephelia” because psyche is both “soul” and “butterfly” in Greek.  Beyond that is “Telophilia” which is an empathetic relationship between two people on all levels including the soul level. There are different steps to achieving a Telophilius relationship.  First an individual must talk about it, contemplate and chew on the idea for a while, then begin to imagine it in our three dimensional existence.  In my case I actually worked on manifesting it through a distinct impromptu ritual that, ironically, exactly a year later brought Joron to my life.  I wrote a small poem and then took rocks from my garden on which I wrote the loving and empathetic characteristics I desired in my one and only soul mate.  A year later Joron, a Geologist who studies rocks for a living, swept into my life.  After we imagine this soul mate we then manage to attract the perfect polar partner to ourselves and we enter the honeymoon phase which feels like we are living in heaven on earth: bliss has been found with this wonderful amazing soul mate who has entered life and made it all the more beautiful and alive.  Joron and I had this as well, two months of total bliss as we met and fell madly, magically and completely in love.  Then we are plunged into the depths of Hell to feel the full range of all our inner wounds and self-denial, self-betrayal and self-hatred.  This happened to me when he left and subsequently fell into an eerie and displaced silence.  We then learn that we created exactly what we received through our negative projections, and I did this too because the entire time we dated he showed me nothing but the love I’d always hoped for, the love I’d written on my rocks, yet I was silently plagued with the idea that he didn’t truly love me and would leave me in an instant, that I was not memorable or worthy of continued love- and then he disappeared, becoming the physical manifestation of my deepest fears.  With this knowledge we begin to heal ourselves as we forgive others, especially our soul mate and ourselves but also the people who have hurt us in the past as we begin to realize we came to earth choosing all our experiences, both joyful and full of pain, in order to grow and learn as souls.  Finally, at last, we entire into a true metamorphic and alchemical soul relationship that again feels like heaven on earth. 

 

This is the exact process I am experiencing with Joron.  At this moment as I write my personal journey of healing and what I have learned from it, Joron and I have traversed through love, fear and pain to find ourselves back in a tentative place of love again and it is all through the healing and orchestration of The Divine. We came from a tragic point where I thought our sweet relationship had totally crashed and burned back where his love for me is evident and my lessons through Spirit are still being learned.  While we have not quite reached the end of our journey both alone or together much healing and releasing of old fear and doubt has already been achieved through our union, and I love him with all my heart more so for all that has transpired between us because he is my love and my helper- the healer of my soul.   

 

You Reap What You Sow

May was not an easy month for me.  I had to work through not hearing from Joron when he'd promised to come back and see me and that was a huge challenge.  It was torture and it really pushed my limits of being able to love unconditionally.  I got super mad at him inside.  I was pissed off at God and I hated on my guidance.  I spewed loads of venom and vileness out into the universe through my energy.  It took me reaching deep down inside to pull out the memory of the man I knew instead of caving to feeling like he is some kind of monster before he was able to come any closer to me.  I had to walk away from my old programs of feeling like "less" and daily I have to battle to surrender the worry that I am not a priority.  I do live in a world where all things are possible and while this situation is absolutely unconventional nothing, and I do mean nothing, can make me believe that this man isn't a loving kind adoring man- and he's working with me to wake me the fuck up, finally.  June.  June is here.  I am strong.  No matter what happens- I am strong, whole and joyful right now.  And I love, hard.  I am thankful I was offered the chance to hear his voice again; it brings it all back for me.  

I will succeed, and as an aside- I've been trying to figure out how to write about my experience but I think my "story" will end up as a guidebook of sorts.  My own guidance from above applied to my experience and shared.  I often feel like I am just "me" so how could I offer any guidance about how to overcome a twin soul separation?  We are not fully reunited yet so what do I possibly have to share of worth?  But see- I do not have that soul-sucking pain that others in the TS union feel, and I think it is because I work so hard to understand.  To be stronger.  To listen.  Not fully or completely, believe me!!!  I have a lot of growth yet to do- but I still feel I have guidance to offer.  So I will.  Spirit has helped heal me and I want to share with others how to, at least, rid yourself of that intense burning, stabbing sorrowful gut-wrenching pain.  I had it but thank GOD it is gone now. 

Something told me to go back through my old emails and read what I went through after Joron left me.  I have a spiritual mentor who means the world to me.  She's awesome, loving, strong and kind with a tight connection to Spirit.  She's also a best-selling author of witchy-fun novels.  We have the same name, and before she was able to retire to write full-time she was in the same exact profession as I am, doing the very same thing.  Odd?  I think not.  I am supposed to be walking a similar path as her.  Well I wrote her volumes after Joron and I separated, thank God.  I am able to look back at the Old Rose and see how much I have learned, how far I have come.

Oh. Holy. Shit.  I am so not the same person I was before.  Not at all.  It is INSANE how much I have change, transformed, for the better.  Unbelievable actually!!!  But I want to show you here a message I sent to her at the end of October.  Joron went quiet on 10-18-13; that is when the twin soul separation began.  And keep in mind he'd text me the night before wanting to "talk things out" but I got drunk on whiskey and passed out early so I missed his text- and that was the last time I heard from him for just a little while, but the days of total silence were enough to nearly kill me.

I was explaining to my friend what my guidance was telling me about Joron.  It is interesting for me to go back and see just how true all of this turned out to be, how important ENERGY is.  My guidance was begging me to work on healing myself, to rid myself of despair, to be joyful, and to LOVE love love this man in my heart.  I was also being pushed to please believe and trust the divine.  Keep in mind I did not know much of anything about "twin souls" at this time- I'd only heard the phase "twin flame" but back then I had no idea what it truly meant.

10-24-13

"Then the pendulum moved hard and fast and my guidance told me I absolutely must believe now.  Like totally trust or else I will ruin my life.  Told me it is of the utmost imperative importance that I give up my disbelief and doubt and surrender to trusting my guidance.  That they love me and are working from God who loves me and longs for my happiness.  I was overwhelmed, and I really do want to believe, so I let it be known inside of me that yes- I will trust now.  Whatever you say next I will trust, believe and follow- even if it something I don't want to hear.

They said again that Joron is my soul twin.  It is impossible for him to not love me because we are tightly energetically connected.  When I feel despair so does he.  When I feel hopeless so does he.  My guidance says our roles as boyfriend and girlfriend will remain but I MUST put my need for satisfaction in a relationship to the back burner and treat him with love, just love.  Everything with love, and I am to care for him above all else.  Guidance says this will be repaired, and the fact that I am taking it seriously now, quickly finding ways to begin to heal what is broken inside of me, helps the healing in the situation because... you reap what you sow.  They stress to me in a hugemongous way to believe now in energy and have no doubt.  They want me to read about it, teach myself  because when I read things that collaborate what I am told it begins to feel more like truth to me.  They said again- please trust, Rose.  I took a deep breath and said, "Can you feel how relieved I would be to just finally believe?"

I am going to believe now.  No- seriously.  My guidance tells me to hold Joron close to my heart and think of him as my boyfriend, love and friend and it will all work out.  I am going to just give in now and accept it.  I am told my love energy will help heal.  My belief will help heal.  I dare say I am throwing in the towel and giving up my doubt.  I will accept my guidance, know it will not steer me wrong, and release my fears of the future now.  My guidance says Joron still equates to joy and rapture if I will just defend the truth.  So here I am for the very first time believing in energy, really believing.  My guidance tells me to look at his pictures, think of him with love, and journal to him because he will "feel" all of that."

End of copy-paste.

What I see here, and this is just a very simple post, is that most of this is about the energetic connection.   My personal belief is that our souls give us what we ask for: we reap what we sow.  Soul makes sure of it.  So when I used to fear that he'd leave me or stop loving me, BAM- he left me and stopped loving me.  I sowed fear and I got fear.  I feared he would stop loving me and forget me and he did.  It's so simple.  The night we could have talked right before we separated- well I went ahead and turned to my vice of whiskey and got drunk, basically passed out and missed his request to talk, and that was the beginning of our twin soul separation.  Is it any coincidence or surprise that he disappeared the very night I caved to getting drunk yet again?  No.  In my mind it was to show me that I could no longer live my life the way I was living it.  Again I reaped what I sowed.  I turned to a vice in order to escape my fears and it backfired on me.  Joron has been used as a hard lesson for me.  I have had to face my fears, live my truth, own the love and stay as balanced as possible to even hear from him.  These unions are not for the weak.  We are expected to be strong and clear, and The Divine doesn't really "care" how much it hurts... although God is not out to "get us."  

God is actually out to get us... healed, and Spirit will heal us anyway Spirit can.  Often that is through this terrible ignoring, this horrid pain of having what we want most in life torn away from us... and it is torn away from us based on our own energy and not listening!  At least this is what I found in my case.  

As I look back at my old words I am reminded of just how powerful our thoughts and intentions really are.  This is why we are told to love unconditionally because when we lose that love, when we choose to close our hearts to our twin souls, they will slip away from us.  It's the mirroring.  But when we choose to hold tight at heart, to love beyond a shadow of a doubt, then the connection stays strong but that love must be free and clear and strong and pure.  It can't be sad and clingy and soul-sucking.  Also, we are all creators.  When we create using the love we have for a twin soul as our muse- that energy is nurtured, strengthened and is sent to our Beloveds.  I believe this.  I can see where I was given truth eight months ago.  It was just a truth that was so hard to have faith in yet I see it unfolding in my life right now.

Some will disagree and say "My twin isn't enlightened.  He's holding us back."  I can't really comment on those situations because it's not my situation.  I know everyone has a different path but I can see where others might be going through something similar to me.  I hope my words, my sharing guidance from above, can help you. 

Lastly- you must MUST get to a place that is free of despair and pain!!!  It is imperative that you do so.  No lack.  No sorrow.  No suffering.  PLEASE.  If you are mired in the mud and the muck of your sorrow and all you do is wallow in despair and missing of your twin soul then you are sending that pain and anguish right to them and it WILL keep you separated.  You must learn to live again.  If not then you will "hit" your twin with fear and he will be kept from you... by your own energy.

Do you see how this works?  Like really see it?  In my case I do.  He truly is my exact mirror.  I can not escape any of my low-energy habits because he feels everything in me and reflects it back to me by being pushed from me.  In my mind's eye I have this vision of him reaching out to me but being pushed back away from me.  Drifting backwards while stretching forward for me; it's how I feel when we separate... and no- it doesn't feel good.  It doesn't feel like him.  I don't blame him.  Am I pushing him back?  Only when I can be strong and whole, no fear, no resentment and only a completely healthy unconditional love is emitted from my insides will he come closer to me.  It's physics, entanglement.

It's brilliant really.   

My Love

How true.  Love grows.  To grow it needs to be nurtured and adored, even if that love is felt only on the inside and can't, at times, be shown.  I truly feel I am living through an exceptional experience, and I thankful to have a new sense of awareness that is allowing me to think clearly and avoid freaking out over this situation.

Joron and I have done "The Dance" for months now.  He's come closer and moved away at least a good ten times.  It took me, oh, a good ten times to *hopefully* get a good idea of what is happening here, what I should be concentrating on.  This last time he disappeared about seven weeks ago was the absolute worst; it was the longest silence we've had.  I don't mean to come across as a "know it all" but in these last weeks I did become more open to seeing what I needed to see, some "weaknesses" became very apparent.  I didn't like the quiet but I knew I was learning from it!  My guidance kept referring to the space by saying, "wrung out" because the dreaded silence, and the disappointment, was forcing me to become very aware, and was pushing out of me some really big stuff like my tendency to tell little white lies in order to sterilize myself, make myself more "loveable." 

And I wasn't writing about my experience.  Now I am, here, but I do need to continue to work on a book, and I am.  But tonight I a commenting on my current situation.  Today, and I am shocked by this, I was contacted by my last soul mate, the man I "dated" before I met Joron.  He was like heroin to me and it took a lot for me to walk away from a relationship that needed to be over.  On Valentine's Day he contacted me and I told him in no uncertain terms that I wished the best for him but I needed to never hear from him again.  Still he tempted me, even then, and I wanted our connection to be totally severed.  When he wrote me back I went as far as to just delete his emails without even reading them- I was exorcising him from my life.   This didn't mean I don't want what is best for him!  I care about him and his happiness but our connection is no longer needed.  I learned a lot from him, and he helped prepare me for my twin, but our time had come and gone.

And yet today of all days I heard from him.  I am proud to say just the thought of entertaining an in-depth conversation with him is a turn-off to me now, and that is a good thing.  I did tell him I meant no harm in my last email but that I had to sever the connection with him.  He asked about Joron, tentatively feeling me out to see what my relationship status is- in other words he was trying to get a sense of how weak I am feeling, if I would be interested in caving and seeing him again.  No. Way.  Twin soul in my life or not... I no longer desire less in my life.  My last soul mate, the man he is, is not less but the situation would be.  Our text chat began and ended within minutes and he knew without me spelling it out for him that done is done.  It felt very liberating to choose to be alone over being tempted to fill a lonely space with something, or someone, I know is not good for me.  Six months I would have been, and was, tempted to see him out of sheer sadness and a sense of wanting a distraction from my pain.  Now I am more than willing to just face my life head on with no vices- and my last soul mate turned into a vice... one that needs to be avoided just as much as whiskey does! 

All that said, I heard from Joron tonight, and it is so soft and slow and sweet right now.  In the past we connect and slam back together very hard and very quick, almost with a sense of urgency.  This time it feels a little more tentative but loving.  And he called me "honey" tonight which is very important to me.  I made sure to tell my last soul mate that Joron loves me, and I love him, and I am happy- bottom line.  The love is strong.  I don't know what the future will bring but I do know we love each other, and that's enough for me right now as I continue to work on ME.  I want to be strong.  I want to... rely on myself for my own happiness.  I want to take baby steps.  Joron wants to know dates I will be available in June... and he gently mentioned being intimate with me but he said he didn't want me to think it's all he wants, and I know his intentions are good but still it helps assuage any "bad thoughts" for him to reassure me that he is not only out for sex.  Truth is we need to be kissy and close again.  I look forward to looking into his eyes, kissing his lips and holding him again, ain't gonna lie.  We had a nice email exchange and then he told me he loved me, called me honey and told me to go to sleep.  It just feels good- and I am working with total awareness this time to stay balanced and strong, in a place of unconditional love and acceptance of the situation meaning I can only control me and my intentions.  I can't control much else.  The Divine has this.  I know it.  I feel like it is softer and more gentle right now because we both feel the soul connection strongly... there is not as much of a sense of "lack" right now.  It's calmer, soothing.  

I do hope I see him in June.  I have faith and clarity.  Many things have changed for me, and yes I am writing about all of it!  I am certain there are people out there who have no idea about twin flames or even soul mates who meet that one special person who, in a flash, disappears and life shatters with no warning and then chaos begins.  The book I am writing is for those people because I truly feel this is a process that is happening more and more often as more twins are uniting- this "passive" Silent Treatment that feels like Hellish ignoring.  It is my hope that I could write something that would help avoid all the chasing, all the chaos, so there is a chance to let The Divine heal the people involved as well as the situation.  Think about it- going quiet is more gentle than fighting or even a solid break up.  And it's more agonizing and traumatic, and it is the pain that heals us... the pain but then once we get a glimpse that the love we felt in the beginning isn't lost after all, well then truth begins to be seen, and the sun shines again.  That's when we know The Divine is at work and we should just give it to God and work on us... and people need to know this.  I surely hope that I, plain old me, can put something together to help others.  I know how far-fetched and unbeievable it may sound to most but heck, I'm living it. 

Tonight my twin soul's love for me, a love I absolutely thought disappeared months ago, is totally evident.  It's a mini-miracle considering where we've been in these last nine months.  I am so much stronger now.  It's amazing to me how much I've transformed through knowing him.  I go to sleep tonight with a huge glowing ball of love inside me and a sense of anticipation.  I won't crash and burn if the dance continues yet I am excited to see if applying my new found awareness will help bring us closer together.  Only time will tell!

"Soul Mate Limbo Sucks"

I found this article on the web concerning being in a "limbo" state with a soul mate and it speaks to what I've been saying here all along on my blog- the silence is planned through soul to push buttons and ignite healing.  I'd love to repost it with proper notice given to the owner but it is not copy-pastable so I can't.  But here is the link:

http://soulmatereading.com/soulmate-reading/soulmate-limbo-sucks.html

She says that soul mate limbo is when you feel totally stuck while in a soul mate relationship, you are stuck in a kind of "limbo" where your soul mate {or twin soul} is ignoring you and you have no idea of the status of the relationship and he's "making you feel like shit."  <------ RIGHT THERE, those are the key words to focus on... "making you" feel like shit.

No one, I repeat, no one can make you feel anything or any way.  You are responsible for your own happiness or your own sorrow, and I know being ignored hurts.  But I am certain that "The Silent Treatment" is soul's way to push us through all our old inner craptacular bullshit that festers inside of us.  I just know it, and this article about "Soul Mate Limbo" attests to this fact.  She says that when you are stuck in soul mate limbo you must focus your attention away from the "stuckedness."  In 3D "real life" we all feel like getting unstuck means to push and pry and manipulate our soul mate back to us through words and pleas and feminine wiles but this is actually the very opposite of what will work to possibly unstick a stuck soul mate relationship, one in which your soul mate and Beloved is Ignoring. The. Hell. Out. Of. You.

Instead you must concentrate on YOU.  What are you doing for YOUR life?  Are you totally spinning in fear and only concerned about when you might hear back from your guy again?  Believe me I love hearing from Joron, I do- but I now see clearly that I have very little 3D control over whether I will get contact from him.  All I can do is work on me, become very powerful and positive in my energy and hope that we are meant to be together {and I am pretty darn tootin' sure we are.}  What I do is I throw out small heart-felt "How are you?" type messages that let him know I am thinking of him while also opening the door and just work on me until soul uses that open door to allow my twin soul to walk through.  I know now that I have to focus on ME instead of Joron in order for us to ever come back together... but staying in unconditional love with him is also a very big must.  A heart must stay open and warm and pliable towards a soul mate love whilst working through these contracts.

"Ignoring" does feel like the rudest way to be treated because it totally sets our ego into overdrive- "How could he just ignore me like that?!"  It sets off a wave of feeling totally indignant that has ego howling in pain.  But instead of focusing on what he is doing or why he is ignoring you instead focus on figuring out what "The Silent Treatment" is supposed to be showing you- because it's showing you something but you have to be wise enough and humble enough to listen to and figure it out. 

I am positive the "imitation ignoring" as my soul refers to it is happening because we are meant to be learning a soul mate lesson, and with a twin soul it is intense because they will ignore ignore ignore until most all lessons are learned and old shit is cleared away to make room for divine love.  You must address your own personal growth and development in order to reunite with a "stuck" soul mate or twin flame; there is no two ways around it.

It kinda sucks at first when we realize that God actually is the one in charge.  There comes a time in some of our lives when God wants us to heal and that healing is ignited through a twin soul separation.  Focus on transforming yourself, turning from caterpillar to the butterfly, and there is a good chance that in time, with faith and acceptance, your soul mate or twin flame will slowly work his way back to you.  But it ain't easy.  Have fortitude and balls of brass but shift your focus to what you are supposed to be learning about YOU and the changes you need to make in your life.

And no I am no pro at any of this- I just see it happening and am sharing the love... I still get annoyed with it.  I backslide and am tempted to blame him and his "ignoring" but then I recall those twinkling blue eyes and that loving little grin and his constant "I love you" and I realize that I am being heavily guided to heal, and I fall back into thankfulness again. 

If there is one thing that annoys me most {and here is a flaw of mine} concerning twin souls it is when "The Stayer" worries about "what's wrong with my twin?"  It makes me crazy.  This is not about him or his flaws or what he needs to heal.  It is about YOU.  And until you realize that and accept your twin soul with whatever "flaws" you perceive him to have {some which may be inspired by Spirit just to piss you off and push your buttons} then you will be stuck in "soul mate limbo" which is not a fun place to be.  My wish is for all of us to accept our own healing, take responsibility for ourselves, and "let go" of blaming our twin souls for their silence.  And don't blame yourself either for being "less than good" or unworthy.  Yell out to the universe that you don't deserve to be ignored {remember- he is not "choosing" to ignore you but instead fulfilling a soul contract to help heal you} but just know it's all divinely orchestrated to kill your ego and get you to listen, obey and heal.

And love.  Remember to love... yourself, your twin and all others. 

Confessional: Why I Love This Man So Much... *Vices*

Because this is my blog and I can write what I want to- I am confessing this final bit about my relationship with alcohol which has, gladly, come to an end.  In the future I will be able to attend a wine tasting or have a martini while out with the girls but my days of drinking at home to "escape" are wayyyy over.  Knowing my twin soul, how he reacts to me energetically in ways that totally show me what I am derailing when I don't use my energy properly, can hurt at times.  When he pulls away as he mirrors my own energy it can make my heart ache but at the end of the day when my awareness level increases and my healing has progressed through our "dance" I can then look at his often strange reactions as little mystical "hugs" from his soul in order to help heal me.  I thank my Joron for hugging my soul... and he hasn't let me go.

http://www.examiner.com/article/new-study-finds-alcoholism-twice-as-fatal-for-women

Here's a scary statistic: according to a study published in the January issue of  Alcoholism: Clinical & Experimental Research alcoholism may be twice as deadly for women than men.  The 14-year study from Germany found that women with alcohol addiction were five times more likely to die during those 14 years than women in the general population.  Five times!  And alcoholism in women is becoming an alarmingly growing problem.  At the end of high school, beginning of college, I watched my mother stand at the stove trying to cook dinner while she was falling down drunk.  I'd have to step in to ensure she didn't burn the beans or set the house on fire.  My baby sister and her little friend would have sleep overs and I'd watch them while my mother was incoherent- it was definitely a hidden problem but my mother's father had been a recovering alcoholic himself.  I'd find her empty vodka bottles squirreled away in boxes in the basement... and my father, at first, wanted to ignore the issue- he was an addict too but a functioning alcoholic and intermittent drug user {they'd had six foot tall marijuana plants growing in our basement for years- my dad smoked and sold the stuff.}  My brother who is three years younger than me didn't know how to handle it... and I was the oldest so I did the best I could.

Now over twenty years later both my parents are recovered completely and they work closely in AA to help guide and save other people.  I am sure both my parents have helped save lives due to their commitment to being lights in the darkness for those who are struggling with alcoholism.  I've been at their house when my dad will get one of those calls where I hear him quietly say, "Okay- you can get through this..." as he helps someone step away from a drink.  They wouldn't be helping people had they not experienced their own dark times and addictions- funny how that works, isn't it? 

Alcoholism is rampant on both sides of my family, and in my immediate family both of my parents are recovering with over twenty years of sobriety.  I started drinking more than I should, and with my family history I really should not drink at all, about ten years ago.  I started working in Chicago and would stay out with my friends and get totally shitfaced- not a pretty thing to admit.  It became a total crutch for me to avoid my life issues.  Then I got married and my marriage was lonely so I drank, not enough to get drunk but enough to "calm" my mind.  I didn't drink every day, and I could go for a long time, weeks or whatever, without drinking so I wasn't "addicted" but I swear to all things holy the only reason why I am not an alcoholic is due to divine intervention.

As I've explained already, Spirit gave me very sign and message to tell me to stop drinking.  I'm VERY sensitive to any stimulants or depressants.  I can barely take any medication beyond a Tylenol without experiencing whatever the adverse side affects may be.  I should not be drinking.  The last instance of Joron showing me how drinking affects me was a few months ago.  I'd already been shown to stay away from drinking, especially hard liquor but I caved and drank twice in one week.  Here is how it went down...

Joron and I began getting closer around Valentine's Day.  Our communication was strengthening, and he was reaching out on a routine basis.  We had a few long deep phone calls.  He wrote just about every day, and he was back to his sweet, kind loving self.  And suddenly I freaked the fuck out inside.  I got nervous, let all my good sense and strength slide, and I drank whiskey one night, got pretty drunk.  I also did not hear from Joron.  Then a couple days later I did it again- totally stupid.  I drank and when I drink I get very morose, depressed and at times angry.  All my fear and doubt rushes up to the surface and I freak out- I crash into FEAR big time.  I am ashamed to admit that I, for a night, turned into my mother as I tried to take care of my own child while being drunk- a state my guidance had worked hard to get me to avoid {and no worries- that was THE last time, believe me.}  I don't feel I will get a free pass forever- one of these days disaster will strike if I continue to screw up and keep drinking.  I'm done tempting fate, done turning to my vices in order to escape life.  I've learned that not only is it unhealthy and not right but also I have to pay for it- and I no longer want to.

During this strange week of radiating huge amounts of fear out into the universe a friend and coworker who was vacationing near my where Joron lives wrote to me on FB and said she could "feel" me, asked if I was okay.  I told her I was struggling.  Later in the week, again when I was totally fearing, she reached out and told me she could feel me.  I realized that if she could feel me, what did Joron, my twin who was linked to me, feeling from me?  He'd been eerily silent all week long when the week before we'd been openly communication, and I'd written nothing in 3D that should have caused any differnece in our interaction.  On the surface nothing had changed- only my energy had spun out of control and into fear.

I know it was my energy and the drinking.  The whole week went by, seven days, and Monday night I sat trying to channel and it wouldn't work.  Nothing was coming. I wanted to know why the silence... and suddenly an email popped through from Joron: it was ALL fear.  He went from the week before being so nice and loving and open and now, suddenly, he was weirdly "falsely" strangely cold.  He said, "Sorry I didn't respond all week.  I was busy with work.  It was so fun and I was so excited! I'm just that science guy who pushes everything off for his science.  I know you probably don't want that guy but I don't think I can change.  I sure do miss your kisses though."

I knew immediately upon reading his words, and feeling his energy, that his response was divinely planned.  He'd felt my nastiness and was responding by pulling away, shoving my fear of him choosing his career over me in my face.  Immediately my channeling began.  My guidance asked me, "So how does fear feel?"  I said it sucked and was told, "When you concentrate on fear you dabble in creating monsters."  I made Joron, again, into a monster by hitting him with all my fear, doubt and alcohol-induced low negative energy.

This process, at least for me, is inescapable.  The only way I could escape it is if I tried walking away from my twin soul, and that is not something I want to do... and it would also mean running from myself since this process is working to heal me. 

It took a good three weeks of energetic work on myself before I came out of feeling so low.  Only then did Joron and I reconnect.  We are very linked so when my guidance tells me that his "ignoring" me is because his soul refuses to ignore or overlook anything inside me that needs to heal- and the silence is used to kinda "force" my healing- I believe it. I HATE his silence.  Don't get me wrong- I understand I need to be a strong, healthy woman for myself and my son.  One time since then was I tempted, a little, to drink.  I was offered it and I turned it down.  Later that evening I felt so good knowing I was fading off to sleep naturally instead of crashing into an alcohol sleep where I wake too early feeling like shit.  I will never do that again, and for those of you wondering as you read this- I don't need AA or a recovery program.  I'm not an addict where my body needs it- I just had to really see how drinking affects me and my energy.  If I drink I know I will eventually kill myself, and in the time being I will for sure kill the connection with my twin.  I could become an alcoholic if I continue to use alcohol as a crutch.  Not to mention I have my little man I need to be a strong mommy for.  So the drinking is over.  Huge relief.  I want a good life more than I want that next drunk.  I'm doing well in learning how to turn from any vices and instead just face life head-on.

But do you see?  Do you see how my twin works with me to show me these huge aspects of myself that I am forced to, finally, change?  I'm told by my guidance that I really need to love this man because he sacrifices part of himself in order to do this dance with me, and I can understand this.  Sometimes the knowledge is still hard to swallow.  My ego hurts when I don't hear from him- but the silence propels me to change.  I understand and I do love him for helping to make me more aware.  Again, without him I'd still be wallowing in fear and doubt, and I'd probably be a train wreck with the drinking.  

I hear You say
My love is over
It's underneath
It's inside
It's in between

The times that you doubt me
When you can't feel
The times that you question
Is this for real

The times you're broken
The times that you mend
The times you hate me
And the times that you bend

Well my love is over
It's underneath
It's inside
It's in between

The times that you're healing
And when your heart breaks
The times that you feel like you've fallen from grace

The times you're hurting
The times that you heal
The times you go hungry and are tempted to steal

In times of confusion
In chaos and pain
I'm there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame

I'm there through your heart-ache
I'm there in the storm
My love I will keep you by my power alone

I don't care where you've fallen or where you have been
I'll never forsake you
My love never ends
It never ends, mmmm

More on The Soul Orchestration

If I wasn't pretty much staying completely away from alcohol these days I guess I would be embarrassed to make these admissions about my past desire to drink but we all have our vices we are overcoming, our demons we have battled.  I called out to God to change my life by the time I was forty, and then I met my twin soul on my fortieth birthday.  I was also warned by my own mother months before I turned forty to beware: she began drinking hard at forty and it was then when she turned into a stumbling bumbling alcoholic.  Not much of a coincidence in the timeliness of the path my journey has taken me with Joron and my healing, hm?  I will always believe he came into my life at a predestined time to help save me from turning into a train wreck. And I love him no matter what. 

I'm sure you realize without me writing it that I hid my drinking from everyone; I didn't drink often yet when I did it was too much and too often for a woman whose genes are dripping with alcoholism.  Drinking is a hotbed of addiction waiting to happen for anyone in my family.  But no one knew it was a vice I turned to too often in order to escape my reality.  I rarely drink now- believe me I've been shown the repercussions of what happens when I do.  These were not my only lessons concerning drinking.  The last one finally cured me entirely of turning to any fear-based binge drinking and now I rarely drink at all.  First of all I want to stay healthy and happy for me and my son, and secondly when I drink it directly affects the connection I have with my twin soul- and I am not willing to jeopardize the beauty of what I have with him on a soul level in exchange for drinking. 

I went to try Quantum Healing a couple months ago in the midst of this separation.  I met the nicest fella, "C," who was the Quantum Healer.  He could not hypnotize me, and I was bummed.  But we talked for six hours and I told him about my connection with Spirit, how I feel I talk with my soul.  He reaffirmed that it seemed like I was already channeling my Higher Self so there really was no need for me to have Quantum Healing- I already was highly guided.  It ended up being a very positive experience and he told me, "You really need to write this all down Rose.  It's very interesting and could help others who walk a similar path as you."  He asked to keep in touch and I said surely.  It's always great to meet other Lightworkers.

A few weeks went by and I was having a horrible moment.  My son was with his dad; it was a Friday night.  Fear and doubt, henchmen sent to tussle with me, were on both sides of me, poking me repeatedly with thoughts like: You must be crazy to think this guy really loves you.  This is all in your head.  He's gone gone gone.  Long gone.

I hadn't heard from Joron in a few weeks, and it's easy to lose hope in the silence.  I sat there with a bottle of whiskey and a ton of fear.  Right as I cracked the seal on the Jim Beam my cell phone rang and it was C- the Quantum Healer.  He asked how I was going, what I was up to and I decided to be honest with him.  I told him I was having a bad moment and wanted to drink.  Very calm and caring, soothing and supportive- not at all chastising or humiliating, he told me to go dump out the whiskey and I did.  He explained that as open as I am it only opens a low-energy portal for the darkness to channel into, and I lower my energy vibration so so much when I drink.  I know this.  I do.  We talked for a few minutes and I thanked him for calling me.  As I hung up I realized he must be a soul mate because he "felt" me or was sent to help me right then at that moment.

What happened next is really odd but very cool.  It was the first thing that glaringly showed me this telepathic connection between my twin soul and I is very real, and very strong.  My guidance told me to go do something creative- make jewlery.  Now... to avoid the pain of missing Joron I had started pushing him out of my mind.  I refused to listen to his old voicemails, and I would not even look at his pictures.  My guidance asked me to listen to some upbeat music, listen to his old voicemails, and look at his pictures.  I was asked to bring him close to me for an evening.  I decided to finally listen.  I turned on some eighties music because Joron and I are both fans of, and had often discussed, eighties music.  I looked at his picture while I worked on my jewelry.  I talked to him.  I told him I did love him, and I asked him if this could possible be real.  I told him how much I missed him.  I listened to OMD's "If You Leave" and felt a pure rush of nostalgia while wondering why Joron felt like the boy I never knew yet should have.  He felt like the boy I should have went to prom with, the boy I should have gotten my first kiss from.  I wondered what he looked like in high school.  I marveled over the fact that we were always so so close in life, born together at the same time in the same place, yet our paths never crossed even though we felt like we'd totally met somewhere before. 

I kissed his soul.  And then at about midnight I went to bed.  I dreamed I had my huge eighties hair, all curly and hair sprayed to heights unimaginable; it was a very specific dream.  I woke in the morning to a few different emails from him.  I still can't get over the sweetness and amazingness of what Spirit and soul energy can do.  I'm tearing up just writing this.  He wrote right as I was going to sleep telling me he was watching music videos of eighties music and laughing at their "big hair."  He asked me to send him a picture of myself from the eighties, that he wanted to see.  He was, for that moment, his old fun light-hearted self again- not the cold emotionless character Spirit had turned him into after our separation- and it was totally divine.  He wrote a few messages that were funny and joking... and it was yet another indication to me that our connection was strong and my soul was not lying to me.  It also showed me what my "high" energy could do.  I was working on my jewelry, creating.  Listening to music, loving my twin soul.  And he felt me- or my soul communicated to his soul and his soul worked through him to respond.  I don't know exactly how it works but it does.

I sent him a few pictures of myself from back then, big hair and all.  I asked if I would be able to see him too.  I wondered what he looked like as a child.  He wrote back thanking me for the pictures, and he said I was just as beautiful in high school as I was now {and I always felt like a huge dateless boyfriendless dweeb in high school; I never dated, didn't go to prom, etc.}  He said he'd send one of himself as soon as he could find one.

A few days later I was sitting around and I thought to God, "God... Joron has not said 'I love you' since we separated and I so miss his I love yous.  I really wish he'd say I love you again."  About ten minutes later an email popped through from him, well a few did.  He sent me some old photos, and the first message he ended with, "Love you."  Love you.  Undeniable that I was being taught a huge lesson about soul communication, one I really try to remember during the silence.  And he sent me a photo of himself as a child, in his little league uniform, as if he could hear me as I spoke to him in my mind.

I still have the photos of him.  One is his high school graduation picture.  He is adorable... and although it wasn't our path I still wish he'd been my high school sweetheart, my one and only.  Instead we each had these crazy relationships and winding paths that took us from coming into the world in the same hospital at the same time to us growing up right near each other to him getting married on my childhood street and then moving all the way to California and back to the Midwest for a very short period of time in which he met me while he was single.  Me?  I was married and divorced twice, separated from my second husband while the divorce was settling, and just getting over another broken heart when I happened to meet my twin- and I was single.  It was so... noticeable how The Divine orchestrated our meeting, and yes- I will remain faithful in my hope that one day soon he and I will finally reconnect and resume our lives together.  I do know from the bottom of my soul that he is my helper.  I call out to him in my most neediest of times and he responds to let me know- this is happening.  Have faith, and I love you.     

        

How Spirit Works in My Life

My guidance has used the term "quest" with me for a while now.  I never knew exactly what it meant but I assumed it referred to this spiritual journey I am on.  Then the moment before I met my twin soul face to face I was told to cherish him because he was a gem, but my guidance also channeled the word "nemesis" to me, and I also didn't know what it meant but I tucked it away.  A few hours later while on my first date with Joron we were swinging together at the park and while looking up at the blue moon and he said, "I believe in nemesis."  Of course I was startled and immediately I knew something strangely wonderful was afoot.

Fast forward a few months and he was gone, silenced, and I wanted to die.  I was battling the urge to drink as a form of escape.  I knew to stay away from alcohol and was trying.  One night I was feeling weak and I wanted a glass of wine but I know how that can go.  One glass turns into two turns into most if not all of the bottle, and my son was home that night.  As I was putzing around the kitchen I mentioned to my sister who was just getting ready to leave the house, "Man I wish I had a glass of wine."  She told me I had just a few minutes before she left where I could run to the store for a bottle of wine.  As I paused to consider this option my middle toe on my right foot cramped, and cramped bad.  It curled up in a rigid fashion that no toe should ever contort to and I yelped, "Fuck me that hurts!" as I limped to sit down.  I asked in my mind, "Is that you?" and was told, "Never ever drink at home alone, especially with your son home.  What if he needed you?"  Now of course this could all still have been in my mind, somehow psychosomatic or... I don't know.  It's very hard to explain away an experience such as this.

I nodded my agreement and said, "Did you make my toe cramp?"  I was given an affirmative and immediately the cramp melted away, and I do mean immediately.  Surreal right?  I told my sister what had happened and that I'd decided to pass on drinking anything besides maybe a nice hot cup of tea later that evening.  My sister said she didn't agree because she felt it was as if The Divine was "dictating" my life but I explained that I could have hobbled my ass to the liquor store if I wanted to cramp or not- but I was choosing to listen.  My choice.  Free Will.  I had been given a very large sign on not drinking, which was the healthiest and smartest option for me.  How does one ignore a sign as big as this one?  One answer- you don't.

About a half hour later I took my totally happy and feeling fine four year-old to my room to hang out in my bed reading books; it was a Friday night.  Upon climbing into bed he leaned forward and vomited everywhere, totally unexpectedly.  No warning.  No fever.  No belly ache.  Poor little man.  We spent the entire night on the couch with a garbage can as he puked on and off every hour.  I cradled him in my arms while he slept and as soon as he'd start to wretch I'd lift him, help him puke, wipe him off and cradle him back to sleep...

It didn't escape my knowledge that had I gotten drunk I would never have been able to take care of my son that night; normally he sleeps soundly all night long but this particular night I needed to be stone cold sober in order to properly mother my child.

During the night I read by the light of a small lamp, dozing only lightly.  I'd purchased a book on Amazon while Joron and I were still dating.  Somehow I was lead to it by something I'd read that linked to me to it and I was compelled to buy it.  It is called "The Synchronicity Key."  As little man was sleeping I decided to crack it open.  I idly opened it and glanced down at the page and almost dropped the book out of shock.  The chapter heading I'd opened to said, "The Hero's Quest and The Nemesis."  I read that chapter and the next few and I thought that maybe I'd fallen asleep myself and was dreaming.  The book explained everything I was going through on my spiritual "quest."  I was the hero of my quest.  The hero toodles through life experiencing the normalcy of 3D and 3D challenges.  Then one day the hero meets the object of her desire and there is a period of bliss as she transfers from the life of 3D to the magical life of "behind the veil."  Then life spirals out of control as she is thrust into the heart of her journey into this magical new existence and she must successfully finish her quest.  At this point she becomes surrounded by signs and synchronicity as mysticism is all around her.  She will not reunite with the object of her affection until she finished her quest, and she will meet her nemesis head on during her attempt to successfully finish her quest; her nemesis will try to derail the quest.  She must overcome the nemesis, and the nemesis is her worst ego-based fear that will rear its ugly head.

If the hero does not overcome and she loses to the nemesis then she will have to do the entire journey over again in her next lifetime.  As I read this I had to pause to highlight the Hell out of it, and to contemplate:  I did NOT want to have to come back and do this lifetime, or one similar to it, over again.  Hell to the NO.  Hell nahhhhhhhhooooo... this has been one challenging fucking life and one I do not plan on repeating, thank you very much.  I knew I had picked that book up and cracked it open to that exact page to alert me to the fact that I was on my very own hero's quest- and I could not let my nemesis of fear and doubt hold me back from achieving my quest of healing.  I also read that the object of the hero's desire, the love interest, can shape shift into the nemesis throughout the journey- and this had happened with Joron already.  He shifted from the role of my total one and only empathetic, soft, gentle and loving boyfriend into a cold, emotionless stranger who would shoot me these sterile messages that reeked of a lack of love- and each one made me face head on my fear of "loss of love" and emotional abandonment- he "shifted" into my worst fears in order for me to be forced to work through them.  It is hard to run from your fears when they are being embodied by the man you love most in the world.

Had I caved and drank alcohol that night I would 1) not have been in the right frame of mind or body to take care of my child and 2) not have read that book which helped 100% alert me to the fact that this twin soul journey is TRUE and I am being heavily guided by Spirit to overcome doubt and complete my soul quest successfully... and it is my hope that in the end, in doing so, I will reunite with my heart's desire, my Joron.  I was heavily doubting my experience but that night, being lead to those pages, really reaffirmed to me that something truly magical was happening in my life, an experience I could not let doubt destroy.

One special tidbit of information though: once the hero finds the "treasure" on her quest she is not meant to squander it or be greedy with it.  She is meant to take it back to the "regular world" and share it with others.  I truly believe that I have achieved a great treasure so far on my journey in that I have been healed of so much old crap, pain and vices- and I have been shown this  twin soul process in a way that many others have not.  My own guidance has told me not to "hog" my gifts- and this is partially why I am blogging and working on writing a book.  I know it is part of my mission, my soul's quest.

Many people like to tell me that Spirit guides my life too much, or that I channel too often, or that I should question my guidance more to ensure it is "of the light."  I have to laugh.  I just have to laugh.  Only a being of God would put up with my stubborn lack of self control, willful denial of listening to my guidance, while holding my hand and guiding me constantly back towards the light. Anything else would have let me sink already... but my guidance once told me- it will never leave me, ever.  It is with me for eternity, and I do believe I am guided by my very strong soul.   

   

"Letting Go"

"Let It Go" happens to be one of the top songs right now ever since the adorable Disney blockbuster "Frozen" came out in theaters.  "Frozen" is my son's first favorite movie.  We looped it during those long disastrously cold winter months- and one day I realized the song "Let It Go" suits my life perfectly!  Many people around me think I'm a little loopy for holding on to this man for so long.  Mind you had there been ultimately no contact over these last eight months then, yes, I probably would be moving on to other things... I'd at least be dating.  But since I have listened to the guidance of my soul Joron has continued to come closer and closer and I will not run.  I am committed to doing what I can in my heart, mind and soul to see this experience through to fruition- wherever fruition lands me.

The song "Let It Go" concerns letting go of the chains of the past.  For me in this twin soul experience "Letting Go" has never really meant letting go of my twin soul.  What it HAS meant is letting go of the idea that I can only find joy through Joron.  I've had to learn what co-dependency means... and it means pushing life to the side for a man.  It means only being able to breathe properly knowing that he is in my life.  Deriving any and all joy in knowing him- those are all codependent and unhealthy.  I've been forced through the hardest winter of my entire life trying to learn how to unearth joy whilst in the throes of sorrow, and I have pretty well figured it out.  God blessed me with a four-year old little angel of a son to help me through, though {a comment on my little man in a moment.}

I'm also letting go of any preconceived notions of what it means to be "me."  I am no longer haunted by who I used to be, that ghost of a woman who was defined by everyone else.  I've always been defined by how I seemed based off my past abuse: quiet, straight-laced, dorky, no fun.  My ex-husband, bless his soul, helped propagate this idea for me because he always said I am no fun.  I am too "serious."  He increased my discomfort and unease about myself... because really I am a light-hearted gal underneath all my old shit that came along with being an abused child and adolescent.  My ex-husband never took the chance to see that in me instead he always concentrated on the fact that I was too serious, too quiet, too "mature."  Or something like that.  One time some friends were smoking weed and I passed on trying any {this was way before we had our son.}  My ex said in front of everyone that I should go ahead and get high so I could actually be fun for once.  Those words stung for a while. It wasn't until I was blessed with my little boy that I could start being a child all over again, and this time in the right way- and then my joyfulness began to emerge... but my ex just couldn't see that, and it's okay.  He and I were not meant to stay together but we made a beautiful child with each other.

So for me "Letting Go" means to brush away what others think I am.  Or think I should be.  My family is having a hard time believing I can channel, or that I am really having this experience.  I have given up on trying to explain myself.  It may be weird to them but this is me, and the more I believe it myself then the more I will put myself out there.  It is time for me to let go of all those old chains that used to bind me.  I am no longer defined by the abuse.  The abuse is long gone.  "Little Rose" has grown up and is healed.  My twin soul helped me see all of those old fears that came along with being an abused child, and his purpose in being in my life is to love me enough to show me he has not let me go- but he has propelled me through fear by forcing a separation between us, a separation that has forced to me undo those old chains and be free.  I am letting go every day... and it has been quite a process.

I have let go of any sick attachments to my twin soul.  I know I can live without him although I don't wish to because we really do work well and love well together.  We could write books together and have already discussed this idea.  We mesh well in all ways, lol.  It would be silly not to be together once all the i's are dotted and t's crossed in this twin soul union.  I know I have a mission to take care of, and I think Joron is already fulfilling his mission in "ignoring" me and simply living his life.

But in "living his life" I want to comment on one other aspect of "Letting Go."  I used to feel jealous that he is off living in a bright warm lovely beautiful place while doing what he loves as his career.  Why should *I* be stuck here "alone" dealing with all this pain of our separation while he has his dream career in sunny California, his side-loves he can indulge in every evening or weekend... all these fun activities in a beautiful atmosphere and I am left suffering?  I used to get angry over that while I was out shoveling snow for the 537th time this past winter or while in the grips of pain over our separation.

And I had to let it go.  And I did this past weekend when I realized something important.  My twin is staying single.  When we spoke just a day or two ago I asked him if his "issues" have anything to do with wanting to date someone else, or being in love with someone else, or having a girlfriend.  He kind of chuckled and said no, not at all.  He is way too busy for any of that.  Immediately I felt bad for asking because I know love and monogamy are important to him so if he was seeing someone else he'd never be on the phone with me at 1AM telling me if I were with him he would not need an electric blanket because I'd be there keeping him warm.  He wouldn't be writing "I love you" and he wouldn't be saying those words to me.  He would not be sighing and saying, "I do miss you."  He's a one-woman man.  And he's not dating when he could- he's a handsome smart man living in a state full of tan beautiful women... and here I am 2100 miles away, a pasty-white corn-fed Midwesterner, lol.  Yet he loves me.  Do you understand what Spirit is trying to tell me?  Yes Rose- you can feel worthy enough to be held on to.  You are not being "let go."  You can believe it now... and while you're at it why not write it all out for others to read and maybe it can help heal their own twin soul separation?

And... I have my son.  This is an important distinction.  When I met Joron he held my hand and told me he really wanted to fall in love again because being in love is wonderful.  It was like he knew he'd fall in love with me, and he did- fast and hard and then his soul lead him away from me.  He is 2100 miles away from me and has... well, literally no love in his life besides us reconnecting from time to time, and our spiritual connection.  I can feel the sorrow in him from being separated from me.  And he'd met my son, and he's told me he loved being with us, and he's told me he wants a child with me.  I know deep down inside Joron is hurting from being separated from what he fell in love with last summer.  I have my warm cuddly oozing love little boy to snuggle up with.  My little man kisses me all the time and tells me I'm his sweet mommy.  He told me yesterday that I am "soooo lovely" except it came out, "Mommy you are soooooo wovely" and he said it as we were walking hand in hand and he pulled my arm close to him in a little hug.  I have all this love from my son that God blesses me with to help get me through this shitty separation... and my twin soul has his career, and his hobbies, and his buddies.  But he has no cuddly lovely warm gooey affection like I have with my son.

So any jealousy had to be let go.  There is no comparison between love and career.  I know my twin is lonely.  I know he misses me.  He misses "us."  I feel compassion for him because I can sense his sorrow, and his "issues" are because he just cannot understand what is going on.  How one moment he'd dying to see me and then next moment he's terrified- and much of his emotional swings I'm pretty darn tooting sure are helped along by my own frantic energy.  Letting go, at least for me, means letting go of any blame on anyone- me, my twin, my parents, my ex-husband.  Knowing everyone in my life is a mirror to show me what I need to heal and release.  Letting go is learning through the mirror of my twin soul that I must be calm and soothing in my energy- and this keeps my life in balance.  It also balances out this union with my twin.  Letting go has never meant for me to let go of the love I have for anyone- especially Joron.  And I love my parents, and I love my son's father.  And that is wonderful love.  But I love my twin soul like I love my son- it is a love that will endure any stress, any challenge.  It is unconditional love and I am trying me damnedest to feel it for all- and it's not the easiest thing to do!

I am rambling... but I know what "letting go" is.  And one thing I cannot, never will, let go of is the deep love I have for Joron.  I feel for him and wish for the day where he can experience the joy of knowing my wonderful adorable child.  I know in my heart that day is meant to happen- but I have to see this through with the purest of intentions and love in order to get us there.  Learning unconditional love means letting go of a lot... but it's all old shit that is meant to be let go of so the light can shine through and love can flow into the empty spots left behind from that which was cleansed and released.