Well I feel I am definitely Awakening. I am seeing the world from a different persepctive, and my GOD is that a blessing. I remember ages ago I woke up with a rare psychic vision in my mind: a big white screen with black print. It stated something along the lines of "When you can see a situation from a higher perspective that is true freedom." Well I can finally see this situation with Joron from a higher perspective and it does offer freedom. Freedom from pain and suffering for certain.
Last year this time I almost wanted to kill myself. I think he and I actually had some contact this time last year but it freaked me out so much. His inability to say "I love you" when he'd lavished love on me only months earlier {sweeping his love away for no given reason, no explanation} terrified me and ONLY my spiritual guidance and the signs I received kept me sane. Joron's mind-reading ability showed me something strange and different was afoot so a tiny part of me did believe that maybe, just maybe, it was not his intention to desert me, abandon his love for me.
This year I feel totally different. I have a sense of calm I never thought possible. I am alone and have been for almost a year and a half. I've managed through an intense, sometimes totally scary and painful. twin soul separation- and right now I am pretty zen. Joron, as I've explained here on the blog, writes me messages that border on cruel. Yet it's not the man I knew. I KNOW that man, and I can "feel" the difference when he shifts back into that man. I have utterly no doubt this is all soul orchestrated to heal me. Yes we left off here recently pretty calm but still it was button pushing. You don't go from communicating with a person like fifty times a day, saying "I know you like to feel understood and I love understanding you" and then suddenly go out of contact and then takes weeks to respond to a person and it's seen as "normal." It isn't. Not responding to a person hits all those fear buttons of "I am not even worthy of a response." So while I am glad our last messages were peaceful I also know that SOMETHING is being shown to me.
But what?
What is up with all the messages that makes it seem like he is just fine without me? Like gambling and being in amazing Cali with his wonderful science career is so perfect that he is pretty darn tootin' sure he does not want to be married or be a step-father {when he was so excited about these prospects before?} Yet he told me that our relationship was perfect and healthy and he feels bad for leaving me because if it were not for the opportunity then we'd probably be living together or something already. Yet he's always poking me with all he fun stuff he's doing, BBQs and wine tastings and parties, etc. Life of Riley. Fine without me. Why write back to me when he's got so much other more important stuff going on?
And why would he choose me over all that, right? I have battled this fear that if I could not make it to CA then he would never choose to come back to IN, and he shows that to me. Like I am not worthy, and this came to me today. So I text a TS friend who is SO insightful and I explained some things to her and asked her what he is showing me and she NAILED it. Just nailed it.
It is a fear of not being a priority. Absolutely- that I am not worthy of importance, that I am not a priority, that my happiness means nothing, that I am only a second thought, etc. etc. THIS is why he says things to me like, "Sorry it took me all week to respond! I was SO busy and excited about my work that I pushed everything off." Including me. Or why he told me he's going to Antarctica for six months so how would we ever be able to be together? He's always pointing out road blocks as to why we can't be together. He won't try. Won't invite me to CA to even visit. Shoved in my face all the fun he's having when he KNOWS I am over here doing the best I can as a single mother.
He told me when we dated that maybe if he met the right girl, fell in love and she had a great family that he might choose not to leave. Truth. True love would win out. Truth. I was still terrified he'd leave me and BAM he was gone. No second glance. Seemingly no worries although he told me he cried, and he begged me to tell him he would not lose me. That's why I was so confused when he went silent.
BUT- I remember specifically having the fear of not being a priority once he left, like he'd drift off and forget me. I even told him about it. See- I guess I have issues I need to address although they are not big. My shit is pretty well over and done with now. But as a child I was not made a priority at all. My parents were too involved in their kinky sex life, their pot growing and smoking, and whatever else they did that I don't know about to pay much attention to me and my brother, or it was the wrong attention, like what we did bad, or how we were not who they wanted us to be. But I was never shown how to brush my hair or curl my eyelashes or shave or even drive. I was not put in dance class or lessons to play the piano. No instead I was forced to join track in the hopes that my chubby self would lose weight... so in essence they overlook all my gifts in order to try and make me a little less of an embarrassment to them. And no I am not bitter. I am honest. I had very little new clothes. Shopping with my mother was a nightmare, and they did not spend very much money on us. I was made fun of in school because I wore the same clothes often. I was a very dorky awkward child who escaped to the safety of the library. So no, I was definitely not on the list of my mother's priorities, and my aunt once told me my mother would set me in the play pen and keep me there all day. I have no memories of my mom as a child. Neither her or my dad really knew how to parent so we did not get the intimate loving close kind parenting that contributes to a healthy self-development. We did not create healthy attachment so as an adult I've had issues with this.
And that's okay. It is the past, and I love my parents a lot. They are great people who had to learn at their own rate to heal, and they have.
For me- my two marriages were the same way. Neither men made me a priority. My son's dad left me alone all the time. I drank a lot when I felt alone. I was alone during my pregnancy and I was alone after our son was born.
And well I am alone now.
And ALLLLLLL this button pushing revolves around my fear that I am not a priority. That I am not good enough, worthy enough, for someone to want to make me a priority. Like it is so easy for Joron to just have up and left me to move to CA and all the other stuff, like his science and wineries, are so much more important, fun and fulfilling to him than a life with me. Like he would never ever choose to sacrifice for me.
And he shows me all this. And more. It is perfect mirroring, and I've finally figured it out. And I do remember telling him, so worried, about making me a priority. And I can see where that got me. He shows me, brutally, that everything else is more important to him than me, and that is BULLSHIT.
I am tired. I really am. I am exhausted from working through all of this and standing tall through the faux-cruelty. I love myself a lot, and I only want to be loved now. A gentle touch. And I know something with all my heart. Had it not been for our souls separating us, his divinely orchestrated job offer that his soul snatched up because he was supposed to leave me, he would still be here and we would be married already. I know he loves me, and if there was no mirror then he'd be mine. With me any way possible. He'd move mountains for me. I KNOW this, and I am not afraid,
I will say I don't like being separated. It bites. I love him and miss him and want him by my side but seriously much of the fear has left me. What do I have to fear? An illusion? Lies given to me from Spirit borne of my own fears? My nemesis that is not even real? What-the-fuck-ever. This has been the strangest most divine experience but I can tell you this- when I communicate with this "man" it's unlike anything I have experienced before. It's like from day one he was just waiting to send me on this magical mystery tour. To right here.
Listen- I know most people won't believe this but I SEE it. "Free will" is SOUL's choice. Not human being choice. Free will is what soul chooses to do. Joron is like 90% soul. And what I have come to find is the energy that powers my love is not of a limited consciousness, not when it comes to me. JORON himself might not realize this. He does what he FEELS, and it changes from moment to moment. I don't think he attributes much "good or bad" to what he sends to me because he soul doesn't send him that info. He IS his soul pretty much. His soul is me, and I know everything about myself. It is THAT unlimited consciousness that communicates to me through this human vessel, and it knows all about me all the time. There is NO escape. No hiding. No masks can be worn. Like when I wrote to him and told him my uncle died over the holidays. Most people would have written back, right? A simple condolence? Nope- not when it comes to soul. Soul was like, "So do you still think he's ignoring you? Are you still fishing? Because I am not even going to give you the satisfaction of an "I'm sorry," no matter if it hurts- until you start believing and understanding in SOUL over human ego."
Weird I know but this world we live in is nothing like what we thought it was. We are all souls having a human experience... and most of us are so so so blinded, working so hard to see Truth again. I am SO glad I am one who is finally waking up, thanks to the help of Joron, my Higher Self, God, etc.
Why me I wonder? Hmmm... Why work so hard on me. What a journey this has been.
I know he will be back. One day we will harmonize and all that love he showed me before will be allowed to come forth and he will need to come back to me. I know he is showing me this fear, and it's not really a fear anymore. I am more or less like *yawn.* Done with the fear. Whatev. Moving on from fear. Letting go of the illusion. But I want my sweet loving amazing little scientist Joron back in my life. So I guess I have to write through it, and I will. But again I can say I see it with vivid clarity, all of this has been to mirror to me the fear that I am not a priority, that he does not deem me to be important at all, an afterthought, and I am far from an afterthought. Especially to him,
I do not blame him at all. I know this is the role he plays. I see it clearly; Spirit ensured I see it clearly so I can finally release all fear and BELIEVE. Thank you God. I still love my Joron just as much as ever, and I know he loves me too. He's as sweet as he was when he last held my hand and kissed me- he just plays his role very well.
Joron would move mountains for me. He will be with me no matter what. The only reason we are separated is because it is a twin soul experience. If not he'd be here with me right now. Kissing me gently, smiling that magical smile and calling me honey again.
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