I Am Choosing to Be Love

My Blessing

I am choosing to be Love.  Love with a Capital L.

Yesterday it finally started snowing where I live.  Normally there is already snow on the ground but Mother Nature waited to bring us the white fluffy stuff until the day before everyone has to go back to work and school.  My five year-old son who I am fairly certain is a Rainbow Child and I were in the house all comfy and cozy and he was peeking out the window then jumping around like a bit of water bouncing on a hot griddle.  "Mommy- can we go outside and play in the snow, pleassssseeee???"  So finally I caved and got my lazy butt off the couch.  Bundled us both up and out we went.  His new favorite film is "Elf" so we had an elaborate snow ball fight just like Buddy does in the movie.  He'd run down the sidewalk and I'd throw a snowball, hit him and he'd land dramatically in the snow.  I told myself while outside with my son that I will have a good winter this year, not a winter like last year when I feared Joron just up and left me.  A winter where I thought about dying, not realizing part of me was dying- my fears and doubts and ego were dying a very rapidly painful death.  I am still in that healing and purging process but it does not hurt as badly as last year this time.  And I refuse to allow that pain back into my life.  Only hopefulness.  Only Love.  Only knowing that bliss is, yes, on the horizon.

I told myself yesterday I was not going to cloister myself inside thinking about twin soul stuff all day.  I was going to enjoy this last day off with my son creating some memories; We were the only two out there playing in the snow- my exuberant joyful Rainbow Little One and me, his mommy.  I cleaned off my car, heated it up and finally it was too cold to remain outside any longer.  So we stripped off some of our wet clothes and headed to White Castle for cheeseburgers.  Big time yummy.  I figured why not celebrate our last day of the holiday in style... wonderful warm soft gooey cheeseburger style.

Joron once told me he... craves my taste.  He said, "I know I must sound like a White Castle commercial but I crave you."  That was during our separation, lol.  I just remembered that.  He's always been highly attracted to me, magically so- to the point where I don't think it could ever just turn off forever.  One day it will come back.  He loves me too, just as much.  It's love, not lust but we both have a strong desire for one another.

While out getting burgers with my son he asked me about the spicy mustard.  I gave him a tiny taste and he grimaced and took a big swallow of milk.  I said to him, "I know- I'm terrible."  I was joking.  He said very seriously, "No you are not terrible!  You are a sweet loving mom!"  It was the cutest thing, and he's been saying it a lot lately.  An older couple was sitting near us and their food was up, ready for them to pick up and sit back down.  I immediately said, "Oh I'll get it" and I popped up to get it.  The floors were wet and slippery.  He walked slow and she used a cane.  She said, "Oh how sweet, and you didn't even think about it."

Well no- I didn't think about it.  When I am aware and not being clueless or concentrating on PJ I try to be a helped where ever I go.  I want my son to learn to help others as well.  I am trying to be a good influence on him, lead by positive example.  That is just me.  If we were to shift tomorrow then I'd like to think I'd go too- that I am at least 51% service-to-others.  I think I am.  I try to be.

I also scooped my son into my arms yesterday and told him about when he was a baby, how I held him in my arms every day, rocked him and nursed him and sang to him and read to him, and oh I did.  I adore my son with my entire heart and soul.  We read a few books yesterday and I tickled him.  He laughed and laughed.  Then later he came to me and said, "Can we do that tickle thing again?"  So now I've created a new tradition for us- my son likes "traditions" and routines.  He's very bright, inquisitive, totally friendly, talks to anyone, everyone is his "friend," and he asks a multitude of questions to all he meets.  He knows how to create conversation, and Spirit works freely through him.  He also has the energy of 12 Boxer puppies... make it 15.

He is HIGHLY psychic, HOLY SHIT BAT MAN!  Spirit speaks through him all the time.  It's amazing, and I am excited to see what the future holds for him.  I'm going to start whispering affirmations to him at night as he's falling asleep, like "You are a bright shining star" and "You are love."  His teachers say he is VERY lively, very loving, very helpful and knows no one who is not his friend.  My son is the one who will offer up a toy to console another child who is hurting.

My son.  That's right.  LOL.  My little Rainbow Child.

Being a mom is my passion right now.  I cannot find the passion to write a book or make lots of jewelry but I can be a damn good loving mommy to this child God chose to bless ME with.  I know he is special.  His psychic ability show me that.  He bounces back from being upset immediately.  He is smiling All. The. Time.  He's got these huge luminous hazel eyes.  He rarely gets upset although he is sensitive, and I try to be aware of that.  He is just very unique- and he's got this inner strength that is amazing to see.  I needed him, not the other way around.  He has been my rock throughout this twin soul separation.  My absolute rock.  He consoles me on the times when I cannot hold back my tears.  My child will walk over to me, put his arms around me, hug me and tell me "Take a deep breath mommy.  It will be okay" and he will breath with me.  And he's been doing that since last year when he was four.  He is such a deep soul.

He talks about Joron often.  *sigh*  Just the other night, out of the blue, he turned to me with a HUGE knowing smile and sing-song said, "Guess who's coming mom?  Joron is!  Yep- Joron is coming!"

I want that to be true so I am applying my heart where it needs to be.  To Love.  To my child.  To Hope.  To Belief, kindness, awareness.  Unconditional-ness.  To knowing this man is a good man and my Love who wants to share a life with me and my son. 

My son is my blessing, and he is my charge.  I vow to raise him correctly and in Love.  One day I hope Joron is a full-time part of our daily lives, my husband and my son's loving step-daddy.  I am confident this is my future.

I am choosing to be Love.  Love with a Capital L. For myself, my son, Joron and all those around me who my energy reaches.  Just Love.