Just A Quick Update

I really don't have a lot to update.  I wish I could tell all of you that Joron and I are back in communication on a daily basis but we are not.  Sorry but don't take it as a disappointment.  I don't. And if I DID take it as a disappointment then I'd be backsliding right back where I've been before, and I don't want to go back there.  I am meant to become more aware so I am.

I spoke to a twin soul friend "in the know" yesterday.  This chick is AMAZING.  Her name is Melissa and God bless her soul, a post of her's I found a few weeks back really helped shift me around.  And then she called me, we talked and sh'e been a huge blessing to me.  The post I found from her was a response to a question some posted on a website.  I want to paste part of it here for you to read.  Here is part of her response, the part that made me finally sigh this huge sigh of relief because FINALLY someone else out there is experiencing the same thing as I am, and she is AWARE of it too.

"Another thing- have no fear- have only faith and belief in your twin soul and yourself and the love between you both because the moment you start to fear one of those bad things is going to happen, or the moment you start dwelling negatively over his past actions- another one will manifest! Your thoughts and actions are manifesting his actions please remember this- so you must keep them positive! Only think loving and positive thoughts and I promise you things will improve!

Realize that you through your thoughts are responsible for his reflected actions- The female half of the twin soul union (yin) represents mother earth and spiritual energy, while the male half (yang) represents action. You talk the talk- he walks the walk. This is the nature of the twin soul relationship. You have the power- use it to bring you two together! Let me know if you have any other questions- I am here to help :)"

When I read her words I was like, "OMG that is EXACTLY like me and Joron!"  This is why my guidance has told me for months to ONLY write, speak and think about his as love.  Only love and kisses.  To ensure I feel that the truth about him is love, and that the kisses he showered upon me are the real him.  To de-create the "monster" I created through fear.  See- the shit he shows me is my own creation.  And it is poked at me, and will be, until it no longer bothers me at all, and probably until I never speak of it again {and I've spoken of it which probably was not the best thing but I am learning.}  

I asked Melissa why is he quiet again.  I already knew the answer and she reaffirmed it for me.  In the past whenever this happens, we reconnect and he says he's coming back and then he goes quiet, I always freak out inside.  Like I FREAK OUT inside.  I think all 3D like "OMG what if he's messing with me?  What if he's going to choose again not to see me? Why is he doing this?  Why tell me you are home and then ignore me?"  

That word "ignore" is a word I must banish from my vocabulary unless I am going to use it in the context of I myself am ignoring the nonsense and realizing it is not him but totally my mirror.  He is NOT "ignoring" me and I cannot for a moment think that way.  And this is why the silence is happening again.  To see how differently I do things this time.  This is why they come and go- to offer us the OPPORTUNITY to change, to shift upwards, to make a better energetic decision going forward.  Of course my humanity craves instant connection with him.  Of course I want to hear from him again.  I wish we were back to being email buddies and I could just text him and expect and know I'll get a response.  But that is not where we are yet and I am not going to freak out about it like before.

Some things I need to change is to stop talking about what has happened.  I need to JUST totally write about his love.  One change I have made is I try to be totally aware of the words I use when I speak about him or us: I try to only use hopeful words and I will not tolerate doubt given to me from anyone.  I am militant about my choice here- if you cannot speak to me and support me on this then do not speak to me about it at all.  Talk to me about something else but not my twin soul.  I know my truth and I am sticking with it.

So Melissa basically said this is happening to see how I react, and I cannot have a negative reaction towards it.  And I understand that.  I saw it coming when he wrote and said, "Just know I am not ignoring you."  That was a thinly veiled message telling me, "If I fall off again now don't freak out- it's to make you stronger, not that I am running off and ignoring you."

I get it.  And I miss him soooooo much!  Ugh do I miss my dear friend and love, and I canNOT wait for the day we are back together again.  But I also cannot allow myself to have an ego-flare and get all frustrated, pissy and hopeless over the quiet.  I am thankful for the opportunity to grow more aware, learn increased patience and become even stronger.  And I love him more and more.

I also feel all the messages telling me about the fun shit he's doing all the time are to push me too.  I am shown that he is sooooo fine without me.  But before he'd write and tell me he missed me and needed me with him.  I see what is happening.  I am being pushed to see if I believe he is so happy without me, and no I do not believe that.  I believe that he misses me just as much as I do him but I'm being poked over and over again, and these are probably the things I am supposed to be reaffirming in my journal, things like "I know you miss you {this is a typo by me, the "you miss YOU" instead of "you miss ME" and it is not the first time I've done this- I wonder if it is not on accident since we are both the same so it's as if he misses himself inside of me just I like miss myself inside of him} and wish we could be together.  I know you want to be here for me.  I know you wish I was by your side right now."  

So I am.  My main line of defense right now is just to continue to write as manifestation.  I think this is why Spider is a close totem for me.  Spider represents the very strong feminine energy of creation, and Spider's web is all about weaving existence through writing.  Creating magic through writing. And Spider is always put in my face so I understand.  Yin is the weaver of the story and Yang is the actor of the story.  Whatever Yin scripts Yang becomes when it comes to the twin soul union, and believe me- I can vouch for this entirely because I watch the script play out in my life.  Thank God it is changeable or else I'd a been fucked a long time ago, lol.  God always gives us a chance to change our story, and this is what I am doing now.  

Writing my happy ending with my prince who will love me at once, the way he did once, once upon a dream. 

"The gleam in your eyes is so familiar a gleam..."  Yes- yes it was. And now I know why,