My Love

I am home yet again today with my son as he recovers from this stomach virus.  He's barely eaten in a full week, and yes we've been to the doctor.  Usually I am working but I've been home with him this week.  Today I am finishing washing everything in the house.  I came up from the basement, glanced at the clock and it was 11:11.  Then a minute or two later I picked up my cell and it was 11:11.  I have a picture of Joron as my screen saver on my phone.  He is holding up a sign that sings, "I LOVE you Jen!"  Capital L. O. V. E.  I *heart* that picture.  He looks absolutely adorable in it, the man I fell in love with.  The 11:11 was right over his forehead, lol.

I feel like I am waging an emotional war against fear right now.  There are a few thoughts swimming around in here right now.  First off I know that this is all orchestrated by The Divine somehow whether it is Higher Self, God, soul or what.  Does it really matter to know specifics, or isn't just knowing something from above is managing this union important enough?  Second thing is I know the management of our union and communication is based on my energy and intention.  I can see this clearly, and if any of you were walking in my rather strange shoes right now you would realize just how uncanny, kinda eerie, and utterly amazing all of this is.  I am pretty darn tootin' sure his response to me is based on my energy, and I am being forced to stand up to my Nemesis fully.  Again this is not a path for the weak.  Luckily I want to KISS this man again so badly that I will face down any monster in a dark alley in order to do so.  The pseudo-monster might scare me off a few {or twenty times} but I will, in the end, overcome.

 I am not going to detail everything he's written to me.  I feel that would be diving in too much to the strange button-pushing that happens with us.  All I can say is that at first, when we first reconnected, all of my fear was thrust in my face, along with a few little clue-like hints that told me to hold on, like him telling me that yes he will see me again.  He said he has to.  This was all done via email.  When my "Nemesis-buttons" are being pushed it is always via email.  It is much easier to stay detached that way.  What I will say is now I am constantly working to keep my thoughts and emotions, inner emotions, in order.  I hope everyone who reads my blog understand that when I write to Joron via email or when we've talked on the phone I am ALWAYS very balanced in what I write.  Careful.  If he pushed my buttons I rarely let it affect what I say to him.  It's INSIDE that, in the past, I've fucking lost my mind, and that affects our connection just the same as if I wrote him a bad nasty message.

I am confident that God has this.  All I have to do is work on me, on my inner.  I must stay strong, and I will.  I have to know the man who was shown to me when we dated is the real him and anything else is a role he plays to push the fear out of me, and I guess this is happening by forcing me to face the shit down.  I've read and been told that twin souls are really tested before reunion.  I pray that is what is happening right now.  I had a big test in my soul mate coming forward and opening that door.  I knew I had to close that door just as soon as it was opened, and I had to do it with love and grace.  I did.  And right afterwards I got a sign.  I started REALLY trying to get my love and loving intention out onto the page and I got a sign.  I've been getting various signs and I am staying aware and alert when they happen, trying to let them guide me.  My channeling has been silent here these last few months; I think I was told everything I needed to be.  Then I had to either run with it or not.  Believe or not.  Be positive or not.  Knowing that *all* I can really control is MYSELF is somewhat of a comfort.  It is also a bit daunting, seems like quite the responsibility at first, but it's also a relief.  I don't have to try and control him in any way.  I know baseline is he loves me.  There is no doubt about that.  Us reuniting depends on me and my energy, and I will make this happen.

Yes, true love does endure all things.  We have come so far together.  He's reached out to me a few times in the last couple days.  He emailed me last night but I was sleeping and we missed each other.  I know I will hear from him soon.

I am being mindful of all my words.  Do you see?  "I will hear from him soon."  I WILL has a different energy than "I hope."  I don't hope... I know.  I know I will hear from him soon.  I know he can't stand being away from me.  I know he is thrilled deep down inside to know I have waited for him, fought for this love.  And I know that one day soon I will look into his beautiful gem-like blue eyes because he is my love, and we are going to make this happen.  I just KNOW it.  I feel it.  We were made to be together, my love and I.

No, I won't give up on us.

There is no backing down happening here.  Do you realize I truly feel like I am waging war against my Nemesis?  The Nemesis is the hero's biggest ego-based fear that comes to light in The Hero's Quest. The Nemesis will try to keep the hero from her treasure, and sometimes the hero's love interest will shift into the role of the Nemesis.  This is what has happened in my case.  I know it.  I know I was meant to read that book, "The Synchronicity Key" to bolster my belief.  I read about MY life in that book.  How interesting and cool is that?  The love interest will shift into the role of the Nemesis so the hero MUST face down her fears; she cannot run from them forever if running forever means running from love.  God knows I will only run TO love, not away from it.

Exactly.  True story.  True love can never be replaced.  Love can be found again but true love can never be replaced.  He asked me, taunted me at first, about staying celibate for him.  But later something strange happened and the conversation shifted {another separate blog will follow on that} and he asked me again.  Said he liked my honesty and wanted to know, for reals, if I'd dated since he was gone.  I know this is him really letting me know that he is content in knowing I believe in us.  It means a lot to him even if he can't really show me right yet.  But he will be able to, soon.

What am I doing?  I am just writing and casting out any fear and doubt.  I am reminding myself always of the love he's shown me, and the intention he showed me when we were together.  This is instead of concentrating on the nemesis or believe the nemesis might be real.  It is not quite mirroring right now.  It has been in the past.  Like when I've been pissed off and angry inside then he's written and "appeared" to be a total shit, total reflection of my energy.  This time was different.  He... pushed all my buttons by shoving lies at me in order to force me to own my TRUTH.  I am writing all truth in my journal.  Truth is he wants a life with me and my son, and he wants to be a good step-daddy, a wonderful loving influence, in my son's life.  He wants me to be his wife.  He loves me and wants to be able to show me again.  Like he once did, that warm ooey gooey perfect love.

Right now it is all about my inner.  Staying strong.  No fear, only love.  I will do this.  There is no stopping me.  He is truly my future.  We've had some good conversation and I am so very blessed to have heard from my friend and love again.  Very very blessed.  I only ask of God, my Higher Self and all of the Light who guide me to keep me strong and fearless, only of love, as I go forward.

Brave, lol.  It takes courage to be a twin soul.  Running away cannot happen.  My guidance has called me a "Fierce Tigress of Love" in the past, and I'd have to say yes.  Yes.  The title fits.

*Rowr*