Mission

I did some major cord cutting the other night.  I wrote and wrote and wrote, and I cut cords with loads of people and energy.  I wrote each one out specifically, asked for only unconditional love to be left, and all other energy to be severed, and I asked for any energy they held of mine to be returned to me.  I did this with past lovers, past flings, friends, family and even my twin soul.

I did this with my three soul mates that came before my twin; as I've documented here- I had strong connections with all of them.  The first was my catalyst.  The second I think I was his catalyst, and the third just taught me a lot of hard lessons.  He made me choose to step up in my energy, and I've had to resist his advances since Joron left {now there is no "resisting" because he has absolutely no hold over me whatsoever.}

On Wednesday I had a super emotional day.  I was SO sad and missing my twin soul.  I am working super duper dinosaur hard {as my son says} to stay very "gentle" inside towards Joron.  Only loving and soft, pliable.  Keeping my heart open no matter how much it may ache.  I am happy to say it is getting much easier to be love instead of fear inside over this last week or so.

You want to hear some ODD shit?  I had Wednesday and half day on Thursday off from work, bad weather.  I get back to work to find that my second soul mate had contacted me.  How strange is that?  The last I heard from him was when I started dating Joron back in August. 2013.  I was text friends with him at that time, only platonic.  We did not flirt or anything at all.  But I told him I really liked the guy I was dating and I think I remember him getting a little riled up {and he's married.}  Not long after that, dear God, his wife found some old text messages and he got... caught.  I told him I was so very sorry, never was my intention for him to get hurt- and I hoped things would work out as they should.  Then we lost contact.  All my soul mates and I stopped contact when Joron and I met, either before or right as we met.  None of them were supposed to be attached to me any longer.

So to come to work this week and see that he'd been looking for me via my work email really freaked me out.  He also called and left me a VM.  I *just* cut cords with him.  Things that make you go hmmm...

So not a coincidence.  His messages were weird.  He sent me one entitled "Canada" and linked a strange random youtube video to it.  We exchanged a few short messages.  I told him I am doing great and asked how he is.  He said he is "Fair to cloudy" and immediately I knew- I don't want that energy, fair to cloudy.  NO.  I desire sunny and warm and exuberant, like my twin.  Not a droll "fair to cloudy."  I asked him whatever happened with him and his wife and he said they are "working on it but it is probably on the way out."

Now dear readers- what do you think I did with that info?  Inside I was like "Oh HELL no!"  No fucking way.  Uh-huh, no way.  NO how.  He did say he wanted to talk to me, and I asked him about what.  He said nothing specific, just to talk.  I said okay with the intention of, if he said anything at all about being friends or talking or texting or ANYTHING that I would tell him no.  I wish him well.  I love him unconditionally, and there was a day I would have married him... had he not been married already.  But that day has passed, and even if he was single I have my twin soul now.

My energy and his energy are no longer meant to be entwined.

I've spoken to a few TS people since then and I believe, 100%, that we are given opportunities {some would call this being tested} to show that we are growing.  Once we start standing up for this union, and once we start getting our shit together and feeling stronger- we WILL and do get propelled forward {or set back} based on the choices we make when these opportunities come up.  If I had any intention of seeing that old soul mate, or thinking of him as an option, or using him to make me feel better, I'd stay farther from my twin soul.

No fucking way!

We ARE meant to be faithful through separation, whether or not we want to believe it.  Okay okay we don't all walk the same path so maybe this is not for all of us but I'll tell you what- my TS friend, her twin soul is married.  She has been celibate and working through this for six years.  She is clearing herself and waiting for his life to also switch, and they have never been physical together- no lines have been crossed.  So I feel pretty strongly that if you "get with" someone else while working towards reunion then Spirit will know you are not ready to be with your twin soul.  It will be a setback.  But that is how *I* feel.  The only evidence I have of this is another TS friend of mine was at a point where she was able to see her twin soul face to face here and there.  One day she caved and had relations with someone from her past, someone who did not deserve her attention to begin with, and the very next day her twin soul disappeared.  She has not seen him again since.  Coincidence?  Maybe.  Doubtful though- doubtful that it was not Spirit thinking she was not ready yet.  I'm not saying he is gone for good but I am saying that she had been given warning already to be careful, watchful and faithful and she used her energy in a way that could have shown she has more work to do on herself.

No one likes "listening" or obeying, especially when it means we have to delay gratification.  No one likes to become sober and be the only one at the party not drinking a fancy martini but instead ordering tea.  No one likes to be the one to choose to stay home instead of hanging at the bar- but bars have an energy many of us don't need.  Many bars have a desperate "take me home with you" energy.  It's a mixture of alcohol and single people and... well, you know what I mean.  No one loves being celibate.  Sex feels good.  But sex with the wrong person, sex without love, is not beneficial to us on an energetic level.  On an ego level?  Well sure!  Rush of endorphins, hormones, orgasm... it all feels good on a physical level.  Sometimes.  Or if you are a sensitive like me- you end up having sex with the "wrong" person and while he's in between your thighs you want to cry from the depravity of it all.

LOL~ I kept having these gross sexual dreams a while back, back when I was toying with the idea to date {and I have not done all my work yet.}  I'd have dreams I was in the middle of sex with some stranger, or giving him a hand job or... you get the picture.  They were all very vivid dreams, and I don't dream often right now.  So when I DO have a dream it's normally pretty poignant.  I mentioned not long ago I did a bunch of cord cutting, and I told God I am being faithful to Joron.  I want no one else.  If he is simply a catalyst then God will bring me the next awesome man, as wonderful as my TS, when the time is right.  Until then my thighs are a vice and my heart, mind and soul is with him.  That very night I had another sexual dream... except this time it was with myself, lol!  I thought that was hilarious.  I can get the same rush and release with me, myself and I.  I don't need a man.

I want a man.  I want my twin soul.

We share energy, and maybe even DNA, with each person we sleep with.  Think about that concept.  Think hard.  I've read that making love with a twin soul "cleanses" us of our sexual past.  Purifies us.  When you have sex with someone you take on bits of them physically as well as energetically; you cord with them.  That's not NOTHING.  We are meant to be free of cords and cleansed in our energy.  As pure as possible.  We twin souls are old souls; we are expected to STEP UP.  We are not meant to have sex without love, sex without caring.  We are not made to sleep with just anyone who bats his eyes at us.  And I am no prude.  I LOVE good lovemaking.  Oh do I love good sex- sex with the one I love is, by far hands down, my favorite past time by far, lol.  I won't deny that fact- I LOVE SEX but by GOD for me to enjoy it there has to be love involved.  I do think this is how it's meant to be.  This is why we are humans, not apes.  This is why I really do feel that once we meet the twin soul, as much as it may seem to suck, we are meant to go inner and purify- and this takes a long time.  And it's not easy or fun, and it would be much easier to do with a lover to ease the pain.  But I don't think we are meant to do that.  We CAN because of free will- but I don't think it is what our soul has chosen for us.     

Why?  Well first of all it is energetic.  We want clean energy.  Second of all it's mission.  My guidance says it is my mission to love and defend my twin soul, and this does not mean go off and date or share intimacy with another man.  I don't buy into this New Age thinking of "I am supposed to share my love for my twin soul by loving another."  BULL SHIT.  I can share love, and I do.  Right here.  I share love on my blog.  I share love with the people I meet each day.  I do not need to share love by sharing sex with another man.  Plain and simple.  Joron does love me, and he is my helper.  He agreed to fulfill his role of pushing me to heal, that's his mission.  My mission is to love him through it, and to defend the love and connection.  No two ways about it.  He wants to be with me and cannot do so due to our contract and my energy {that I am working on} and I am supposed to be faithful and wait for him while HE waits for me.

Faithful.  Yup.  Faithful.

Really how could I be anything but faithful to him?  I also know how strong our mirroring is.  I know how closely Spirit orchestrates my union.  What's to say if I started dating that he wouldn't get that same desire?  I am not willing to chance that.  In October he was still telling me he wanted to make a baby with me... so I know he was single then, and as often as he told me that I am his dateable one I'd have to think this relationship is protected. 

It would be like spitting in his face for me to share any part of myself with another man in that way.  Just ain't gonna happen.

Somehow other people are used to show us our progress.  Either people say things that test our faith and play on our fears, or old loves will pop up at strange moments.  I had this happen with our union since nearly the day he went quiet.  And I am damn proud to say nearly 16 months {and some love, and some loads of loneliness and fear later} I did not cave to those temptations.  I did ONE little thing- I went for a walk with a man.  NO hand holding {God no} and only a small friendly hug at the end.  It was enough to show me that no- I can't.  If I was then that man I walked with would have been the one.  He wanted to date me and I can't do it.   

Looking back I wish I'd not even went on the walk.  It was a year to the day that Joron left for CA, and I wish I'd stayed home and written to him in my journal instead.  But we live and learn and I learned from that night that no matter how cute and sweet the man- he is and never will be my sweet Joron.  Maybe had I stayed home and written to him instead of thinking about meeting someone else I'd be all that much closer to having him back in my arms.  Again, we live and learn.  All I know is he is the only one for me. 

The heart {and soul} wants what the heart {and SOUL} wants. 

So yeah, my old soul mate popped up as a test of sorts, and I am pretty sure I passed that one.  I am trying to be fully aware of all my choices, and my energy, at all times.  I adore Joron and he deserves my love and protection.

This is his song to me.  I feel him in these words...

"Woman" John Lennon

Woman I know you understand
The little child inside of the man
Please remember my life is in your hands
And woman hold me close to your heart
However distant don't keep us apart
After all it is written in the stars
Woman please let me explain
I never meant to cause you sorrow or pain
So let me tell you again and again and again
I love you, yeah, yeah
Now and forever