About a week or so ago I pulled a tarot card from my Fairy deck. It is a powerful deck for me, very powerful. Spirit speaks to me through my cards, and I don't pull often. When I do the cards normally give me answers, guidance, warnings, etc.
Sometimes I listen. Sometimes I do not. A big example of when I did NOT listen is when, back in June, I pulled "The Queen of Shadows" which is all about being aware of when the "shadow self" is popping up. It was right after that when I caved to drinking and feeling like I wanted to go out to the bar, get drunk and meet a man. Right after Joron told me that, yes, he felt we still have a future together. But I was scared and would not listen to Spirit, my heart or even Joron. I *wish* I'd paid more attention to my card back then but I didn't. I had to hit rock bottom in ego for me to really open my eyes and begin paying attention. And I am paying the price now, with silence.
"The Hidden One" is a particular card in this deck. She is a darker fairy, crouching down with a knowing grin on her face. Not a smile, a grin. She is there to trip you up when your awareness needs to be raised. Or, as I see it, she offers the opportunity to avoid being tripped up. The card means something is coming to trip you up, or you've been tripped up. She can make you fall on your face or you can try to be very aware of her so you can avoid her tricky little fairy butt. Well I pulled her twice in a row here recently, and the second time I pulled her I was on high alert because I am trying to be SO 100% aware of my energy here now, and my thoughts and my intention.
Well the day I pulled her is the day, or day after, my second soul mate, Jason, reached out to me. Jason said hello, oddly, through my work email and I asked him to please email me at Yahoo. From there I asked about the status of his marriage and he told me they were working on things but he's fairly certain they are on their way out. This means they've been working on things for a year and a half because it was August, 2013 that she found our text messages. The timing of Jason reaching out RIGHT NOW cannot be a coincidence.
Once I thought about the fact that he is still married, and the fact that I want a clean slate {even though I loved him dearly and still love do in an unconditional manner} I wrote to him and told him that I wish the best for him but it is time for us both to move on. I said, very specifically, to please not email me again or call me again. He actually did respond and said he wanted to say hello but couldn't seem to find the proper channel to do so, and he said, "I'd love to talk to you if you are ever ready."
Hm. I am sure his wife was not thrilled when she found out about me. I am not trying to overlook the fact that it had to have hurt her. I don't know her and never wished ill on her at all, and I hope for both of their sakes they either work through this and have a stronger marriage for it, or they divorce and go their separate ways. Maybe I was a catalyst for them so they won't stay trapped in an unhappy marriage. That's all I can say about that but don't think I don't pray for them all, and I cannot stay in contact with him because it would not be right, at all.
Not I was not angry with him for responding but I did think it was a bit odd since I'd made myself clear BUT I left it alone. I said what I needed to say so I let it go.
The next day I was thinking to myself something like but do I need to tell him, very specifically, that I love someone else and want to move on? See Jason and I were tight when we knew each other, way tighter than I want to give the energy here in explaining. I wanted to marry him. He is a doll in every way, shape and form but one small issue- he was already married. But he did love me. He fell hard in love with me and has, and had, a troubled marriage to a woman he really wished loved him like he deserves to be loved. I love hard. We met because we were meant to, spent three blissful months knowing each other, being friends, talking all the time, doing stuff together, and growing super close. He was protective of me, wanted to help me, loved me and cared for me deeply. My time with him only mirrored love, nothing else. It was pure sweetness and only wonderfully loving. Then he had to leave, and I had to let him go- and it was painful. Beautiful but painful. Our last night together I taught him how to make glass beads. I didn't ever want to leave, didn't want him to leave but he had to. I had to let him go. AND after he left I had to battle with my fears big time. I have journals from back then where I was fighting with my fears, fighting the fear that he was blowing me off, forgetting me. I had to face down my darkness, and there was more darkness to come after he left. Believe me.
Jason stayed in contact with me from when he left which was say July 2012 through a terrible time in my life when I thought I had the devil with me. Jason thought I'd done lost my mind but he stuck with me, all via text. All friendly- any intimacy mellowed with distance, and I just could not do it when I knew he was back with his wife. We needed to be only friends, and we were. Then in August of 2013 I met Joron and told Jason about him, and he seemed sad. Then his wife found our text messages and we fell out of contact...
Until like two weeks ago. So. Again, he emailed me saying he wanted to talk to me if I was ever ready. I did not respond. Then the next day, yesterday, as I was getting out of my car the tarot program opened on my phone and I decided to choose a card. It was "Metamorphosis." Now this is a very important card for me because before I met Joron my guidance told me that my life is like that of a butterfly. I used to be a caterpillar crawling close to the ground but was transforming into a butterfly, being more soul than human. After going through my chrysallis stage I would "tentatively" emerge as a butterfly, with wings so I could fly.
Then I met James and a week into our relationship he emailed me a dream he'd had the night before. He said in the dream I told him I was not really a "homo sapian {always the scientist} but was instead a butterfly. He said, "I was sad you were a butterfly but you told me not to be sad- that you were meant to transform so you could fly." He said, "What do you think of that dream?"
Well I about shit myself, that's what I thought. I was shocked. Later I found out how "Psyche" means both soul and butterfly, and I learned of the Goddess Psyche's Quest for love through the underworld, battling to earn back the love of her life, Eros, who left her so she could transform through her own solitary journey; a journey full of growth and facing down fears. Alone. And I learned that going through a twin soul separation is like being inside the dark unknown of the chrysalis, alone and transforming.
*sigh* So getting that card the other day really spoke to me. The card stresses that the transformation is almost over, wings are on their way, that everything rough I've been going through will shift into only bliss and happiness, and Dear Readers- I am more than ready for my bliss and happiness, okay? I remembered my other recent card, "The Hidden One," and when I got back into work I saw that Jason had emailed me again, and to my WORK email which is really strange. I'd specifically asked him NOT to email work, and he is not the type of person to overlook such a request. All it said was "hi." That's all but still- why not use my Yahoo address? I think it is because Spirit knew I'd never miss it if it was sent to my work. Yahoo I might overlook. And just "hi?" What's up with that? It's always like that when someone from my past pops up- always weird, odd, short and choppy. Not normal.
So I emailed him and told him that I am in love with a loving kind man who has changed my life and I can have no contact with him, Jason, going further. I said it would not be fair to anyone on any level, and it WOULD NOT BE. He is still married! Yes, we could be friends but it would not be right. It would muddy the energy too, and I don't want that!
And I know I need to have faith and a clean slate with my twin soul. No turning to others for attention. No "back up plans." No wondering if Jason could possibly ever leave his wife... no letting Jason think he might still have a chance with me. So I was kind and caring but I cut the connection. And this morning Jason wrote to me thanking me for taking the time to explain, and he wished me a "happy ending."
And then when I got in the car for lunch today "Your Kiss Is on My List" was playing. For the third time in a month. When it had not played for me, not one time, since Joron left, and it IS the defining song for our union, that and "Take on Me."
Letting Jason go with love was necessary. Some may think, "But what if it is meant to be him instead?" Well that of course crossed my mind but no. I care for Jason. I do. But I am so in love with Joron. Spirit has told me, and Joron himself has told me, that Joron is my future. I cannot defy that. I can only move forward with love and light and hope and faith and trust. I adore Joron, and I feel he is my future husband, the other part of me. My "other half." I am trusting the signs. I have no other choice.
Another comment about Jason. Here I am, all these months worried that Joron has let me go. That I am SO easy to walk away from yet here is a man 900 miles away who knew me for three months almost two years ago and he STILL thinks of me. It is a beautiful testament to the strength of love. I do love Jason, and I wish him all the happiness in the world. But I had to let him go, and he was the hardest of them all, by far, to say goodbye to.
I am really REALLY hoping this situation was what "The Hidden One" was pointing to. I suppose I could have tried to open the lines of communication with Jason to have that reassurance and male presence in my life, an "uplifter" of sorts. But I just can't do that. I don't feel it would be right. So I made my decision. I feel it was the right one. I am strong.
Love, love, love... My life has been filled with much love. I know this. Now, though, I am holding out for my one and only, and I do feel in my heart it is my dear Joron. My Beloved who has helped me see the things I've needed to heal. Jason got to do the easy work. He got to ONLY love me, and he never had to do anything hurtful to me- only love me. Joron has had to do the dirty work. The work that does not feel good. Jason HAD to leave me; he is married. Joron... he didn't want to leave me but he had to due to our contract, due to the role he must play in my life- a role he pre-agreed to. Again, in order to make me face my fears and heal. To cure me of near alcoholism. To strengthen me and force me to finally believe in energy and making clear cut, pure energetic and loving decisions in life. To help me learn more patience and temperance.
Joron has had to do the hard work in walking away from the love of his life for no 3D "real" reason, and I am sure that was not easy. The others? All they had to do was love me. None of the harsh stuff. NONE of the strong mirroring. All they did was show me love but I was not supposed to marry any of them. Joron- he's my future. I know this. It is what I am holding out for. My hero. My Love.
It has not been easy but I love Joron for all he's done for me, for that hard work. And I really look forward to when I can see him, my one and only, and hug him and tell him how much I love him, forever.
One day, though, I WILL see them all again. My dear sweet soul mates that NO ONE, no one can ever ever understand how much I have loved. Oh GOD the love I had for them nearly killed me with its intensity, and the fact that I had to let them all go, and with love. Strong strong love. They were, and always will be, special to me in a way most people just can't grasp. I know I will, in a place far beyond this world, see them all again. A place far more perfect, loving and beautiful than this existence we know here on earth. And I will approach my dear friends with open arms and a huge smile and say, "There you are my friends. There you are, again. Thank you!"
Soul mates. Twin soul. All are soul, all are love, all are of God, and all are so so special.
I'll See You Again
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