But it is a good reminder to me of his love. Of who he is. I know people change and fall out of love but that is not what happened to us. What happened to us is a twin soul separation, and that love he showed me is still there, somewhere. It is meant to come back one day.
My heart is overflowing. I feel about him like this picture. I both want to be in his embrace and to embrace him. Just cuddles and hugs. He is so cuddly, little and cute. He fits perfectly in my arms because we are both small. My sweet bow-legged sexy gem of a Geologist. His passion for his science is such an attractant to me. His beautiful mind and shining soul and huge heart.
I miss that man. I know our soul is connected, maybe even is the same soul, but I miss the person, the soul, the heart and the brain, the whole combination. I miss his physicality in my life. Why? Because he rocks, plain and simple. Because when he kissed me I felt safer than I ever have in my life. I know I could count on him.
When I was terrified that he'd find out I cheated on my husband and then want to leave me- I was tortured. We were growing closer and he had this idea that I was soooo amazing. I felt like it was a lie of omission to not tell him. What if we got serious and he found out later I am a cheater? I was sooooo scared. Then he emailed me the dream he had, of taking me to meet his friends and they told him I'd been on TV in the past, like 90210. In the dream he asked me, "Why didn't you tell me you'd been on TV?" and I told him it was because it was in the past and I was afraid he would judge me by how "badly I'd acted" in my past. Well back then I did not know he was my twin soul. I had no idea what was happening but I was FREAKED OUT. He said, "What do you think it means, psychic Jen?"
Looking back- how was I so fucking clueless not to see it? Not to google and find out about twin souls? Answer is because I was so swept away by his perfect love. That night after he had the dream he walked in my house and handed me the same bag of chocolates that the man I'd had the affair with gave me the first night we met. I took the bag of chocolates and thought, "Am I losing my mind? What does this mean?" We sat down and he kissed me. Then he pulled back, smiled and asked in his oh-so-gentle manner, "Have you ever cheated on your husband?"
DUH. Fucking duh. Talk about clueless. I lied. I told him no, and then he said, "Be right back- I gotta pee." While he was in the bathroom I had a quick heart to heart with God and my guidance. I said, "WTF????!!! Am I supposed to be honest so I can get this fear off my chest? What if he judges me??? What is he LEAVES me?" He sat back down and I took a deep breath and said, "I need to talk to you. I lied. I am sorry. I was scared to be honest. I did have an affair that helped lead to the break up of my marriage." And I told him some things, being alone all the time. It killed me and yes I sought out love and the perfect love came to me and BAM I had an affair.
I remember how close he held me. How quietly and tenderly he listened. And when I was done he looked right at me and said, "It's okay. I understand and I don't think any differently of you." He may have even thanked me for my honesty. His loving, compassionate and empathetic response to my admission was very healing. He showed me I was loveable despite making a choice most people would deem as wrong and bad. Me? I loved that soul mate and would not make a different choice if I had to go back and do it again. I was super relieved that he accepted me fully. So then he wrapped me in his arms, touched my face with his amazingly gentle hands and kissed me until I could not see straight.
And that is my Joron, right there. My truth. Always, always gentle. ALWAYS. He even has a soft gentle yet entirely sexy, make-my-knees-weak voice. It is a soothing voice, kind and adorable and I remember the first time I heard his voice how crazy the butterflies in my belly bounced around- they knew. The butterflies, and my heart and soul, all knew that he was The One. And yes we love talking to one another. Our conversations were never-ending. Neither one of us wanted to hang up, ever. He'd ask for five more minutes and feign sadness over saying bye.
Honest to God- perfect boyfriend and all he wanted me to do was accept the love he was giving me. Best. Man. Ever. Always holding my hand every minute we were out together; quite honestly my dream come true. Really. My Prince Charming. My heart like explodes with love over him. I KNOW my fucking truth. I know who this man is and I will fight as long as I have to fight, and do whatever I have to do, in order to make this right. He showed me nothing but sweetness, and he did something for me that changed my heart forever: he loves my son too {and every time I try to hit the "d' to make these words past tense I end up hitting the "s" for present tense on accident, like "loves" instead of "loved.} He accepts me and my life. He did make me a priority when we dated. He made sure to. He'd get a bug up his butt and write me something super sexy and then follow it up with a message telling me how much he also just liked hanging out with me, that I was the best thing ever to him. Always reassuring me. Always protecting me. Always being very very Joron.
And yes one thing about him that was so amazing was how at forty years old and being celibate for a while he was willing to come to my home and just kiss me. For hours. For evenings on end. No stress at all. No innuendoes. No pressure or showing me any annoyance or letting me know he was getting left out in the cold. Nothing like that. He'd sit and smooch me, touch my arms and legs and hold me tight, adore me. And then after our lips were like raw he'd smile and say, "I think it's time I gotta go. It's getting late," and I'd walk him to the door and kiss him goodbye. Then he'd get home and text me and thank me, tell me how great I am and what a wonderful time he had. And he'd assure me, "I will wait as long as you want. I am happy just to kiss you, and I know when the time comes it's going to be so kissy and lovey and wonderful."
And he was right. It was. Our lovemaking was kissy and loving and wonderful. Sweet and kind and naughty and arousing and close and just mmmmm good. I so miss him, in all ways.
I just love the fuck out of that guy. It is barely tolerable, the strong emotion I feel inside for him. People say "Think of them as perfect" and I don't even have to try or pretend because all he showed me was PERFECT. Utterly perfect. Wonderful perfection. Joyful and buoyant and stimulating and smiley and warm and always making me laugh. The love of my life. My one and only, and this is why I just chuckle when people say "You can choose to move on from a twin soul." Yeah- I can. But I would be selling out, settling for something other than what is perfect for ME. And I can't do that. I am too in love, even if he is not here, to ever ever be unfaithful to the feelings I have for him. It is very freeing to know I have that choice, the choice of whether to move on or stay right here, in love with him. MY choice.
I love him, and true love only ever lives on.
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