I made a recent blog post and commented that an old friend {and I do wish him well- he is a friend even if we push each others buttons} was full of shit, and that was wrong of me. Very wrong. Wrong enough that I deleted the post. I should not allow myself to fall into ego as much as I do from time to time. It is fear that causes me to do so.
An admission- I don't always like being in this twin soul union. I wish I'd met Joron, we'd fallen in love and he turned out to be a sweet loving soul mate who was able to just stay with me, date me, and everything could have been normal. I wish we were already married and having babies together like we dreamed about. But that is not how it turned out and I miss him so much it's like my very heart has been cut out and taken away, and it's just not normal. Turns out he is what I am told is a "twin soul" and I don't even like that label. I consider him a soul connection who is tightly linked with me, my total mirror, so my energy is perfectly reflected through him. When I doubt he then goes quiet. When I do not fight to hold on to my truth then he goes quiet. When I dwell and brood on the mirroring or fear that he does not love me- he goes beyond being quiet. He reflects those fears back to me by being cold. He shows me a lack of affection when I fear he does not love me, like he becomes the embodiment of that fear. And yes- it has scared the shit out of me. If you have not gone through it then you cannot understand it.
Do you know what would be "normal" for me if this was not clearly a soul connection? I would have, ages ago, told this guy to go fuck himself. Oh yeah- and I have come close a few times to wanting to do this with Joron but the evidence, the actual proof, that he is mirroring my own energy is so strong- I would be punishing him for MY own shit, and I cannot do that. I believe enough in this experience that I can't allow myself to beat the shit out of him in 3D. I do it enough through my energetic thoughts, etc, as it is. I get very angry with him in my head, and I should not do that either since this is not his fault.
He also reflects love when I can finally fall into love. As my blog has detailed, I derailed our connection back in June with a huge drunken energetic ego-fit; that is on me. Not Joron. I had been warned from every angle to control my fear and anger but I did not listen. I could not control my ego. I still regret that moment. I wish I could have listened. It makes me... want to preach so I can help others avoid derailing their own connections as much as I did. Joron, though, has also shown me love while in this separation, and it was always when I believing something good as truth. Not fear. Believing fear brings me nothing but hurt.
But it CAN all be hard to believe. Why do you think I get so scared? Why do you think I get defensive when someone tries to convince me that I am living in a dream world, avoiding reality and making excuses just so I can avoid the "truth" that someone does not love me anymore? When I am told that I am making excuses for him and not standing up for myself I can get a little angry because I KNOW that is not what is happening. I am a strong woman, and I have handled deep rejection before. My last real "boyfriend" before Joron made love with me, and heck I thought it was pretty good. He obviously felt differently and the next morning told me, "I just don't feel a connection with you." That SHIT hurt! I learned a lot about rejection through that experience, and also how it feels when trying to force a connection because I "liked" him in a 3D manner- he was a good dad, good job, seemed to be a good guy and he was handsome. But it always felt "karmic" with him. I felt agitation and could not be calm around him. Our energy did not mesh and I will admit I did NOT handle that situation well but I surely did LEARN for it. I learned how to be let down and feel okay about it. If Joron truly did not love me I'd be able to walk away. But he has NEVER ever once said that to me; it's obvious that he's never meant to, ever. He does love me and this is a classic twin soul union we are in, whatever twin souls are, whatever other people are experiencing with these "twin soul" connections- I am experiencing it too, and my situation can be eerily similar to other things I read on the web about other people's experiences. It's not all coincident. It is not all lies or make-believe or us being unable to handle rejection! NOTHING I can do in 3D to try and "manipulate" or orchestrate or fix with my spoken words to him, trying trying trying to make it better will work in this situation. None of it. IT IS USELESS TO REACH OUT TO HIM WHEN HE IS LISTENING TO HIS SOUL AND IT'S TELLING HIM TO STAY QUIET. This is why I just stop contacting him. Because it's useless. Not because I am scared of what he will think or say. Man I have poured my heart out to him, written all my truth, explained our connection {and remember he's Atheist so that was some scary shit} and he responded two weeks later with a very strange message about coming to town and wanting to see me, not being able to never see me again. NOT ONE WORD about the lengthy message I sent telling him of my goal to stop drinking or that we are strong soul mates. NO- he asked to meet me for a DRINK. It was Spirit's way of showing me that what I write TO him means nothing if it is not meant to. And yes it can be frustrating. Others know of that strange connection, the one where we surrender and stop emailing or texting. We go quiet and inner and work on trusting and believing and LOVING despite adversity and then one day BAM they reach out, and it's in similar ways. The ole strange twin soul "Hi! I've been thinking of you. How are you?" Yeah- if you are in a real twin soul union you KNOW what I am talking about, don't you?
Believe it or not. It is MY truth.
It can feel like I am living in a dream, lol. Yes- so to my friend who I offended, and I am sorry, sometimes it does feel like I am living in a dream world but it is because my Higher Self, my guidance, expects me to quit doubting now. So the more I doubt the more I will suffer so when I am challenged it makes it worse. When I am challenged I can get a bit defensive because being challenged brings up my fears. I am always battling to own my truth. It is a very tenuous truth to hold on to. I hope you and others can understand this.
If you are in contact with your SC and talking and freely communicating, working through ego-battles TOGETHER then it is doubtful to me that it is a twin soul union, and SHEESH that is no big deal! My word. I loved my soul mates and they were damn strong connections. I could have married any of them and been very happy together, very. But we talked freely. We never ignored one another even if it got hairy, and ohhhhhh did it get hairy, whew- major working through fears together, lots of button pushing. But we could not really stay away from each other until they were either taken out of my life or I had to make the decision to progress and move on. Even then I love them and if I wanted to reach out I totally could and we'd connect. We'd talk freely. They would answer me quickly without the strange twin soul "blocking." I did have chaos with the last soul mate but we loved each other and would always reconnect. We were meant to work through ego together. He was not my twin soul though. Twin souls are different- they go insanely quiet in many instances {why do you think I created this blog to begin with?} Why do you think "The Runner" stage, the separation phase, is so heavily documented? Because it is a REAL OCCURRENCE we are experiencing! So please do not tell us we are living in dream worlds. We are not- our experiences are just different than yours. They are not ignoring us on purpose. It's a step in a healing process, one where we must flail around in agony trying and pushing and prodding and forcing until we fall to the ground in exhaustion and start to listen and heal instead of trying to get that love back in 3D the ways we've been taught to which is "Reach out to him already. Tell him how you feel. Ask him why he's doing this... etc. etc." None of that works in a twin soul union in the midst of a Higher Self orchestrated separation.
And that is for all the skeptics out there, lol.
I do contact Joron. To explain, I do email him once in a while. I am not strong enough to send absolutely nothing, ever. I sent him a Happy New Year message. Any other "normal" human being would have responded. If this were a regular 3D connection then he'd either say hello or he'd explain up front that he no longer wants to be in contact with me. Neither one of those things will happen between us. He'll never tell me he does not want me in his life, and due to my own energy I am not going to hear from him right this moment, or because I WANT to or because I email him first. I will only get silence,
Actually I emailed Joron something this last Christmas that anyone else on earth would have responded to, even someone who does not really like me, or even dislikes me. He would have written and said, "I'm sorry. Have a good holiday." Or SOMETHING. Instead I received complete silence, and this has happened between us before where nothing, absolutely nothing I say in 3D will garner a response from him, and it's not like it does not happen with other twin souls too! It is a process for a lot of us, the separation and then silence. It may not be the same for all of us though- maybe some twin souls stay in contact. I don't know. All I know is MY situation, and it's one that is very otherworldly and hard to believe.
And it hurts. Anyone who reads this blog should know it's not fun, at all, to be separated from the love of your life. I envy those of you who are in contact with your soul connections. Hug them tightly and be very grateful because being in a separation like this one, one where it is due to my own energy and fear that I am having a hard time controlling, is not fun. It is life-changing and has brought me a lot of spiritual progress so I do appreciate it but it is not fun. I miss my love. Bottom line. I don't want this any more- I don't want the spiritual growthness of it all. I want the lesson to be over, and I want my love back in my arms. All I really want is my love back in my arms, and I know deep in my heart that is where he belongs.
He is not choosing to overlook me, and I am not living in a dream world even though I know how hard that is to see or believe- I battle with it myself. For me it all cycles back to worrying that he does not love me, and that worry is what caused this distance and quiet in the first place. As I've said before- I hid my fears from Joron well when we dated. I am a good girlfriend :) As he's said not that long ago, I was loving and fun to be around and the "trumps everything" as he put it. But inside I was roiling. I was writing fear in my journal, worried he'd up and leave me, not choose me, that I'd be forced to once again let someone I loved go. And one night, out of nowhere and for no reason, no arguments, nothing but love had been shared between us {we were growing ever closer actually} he sent me the strangest messages; channeled? Had to be because at midnight he text me goodnight and said I was so awesome that he could totally see this progressing to marriage, and he called me his "Blue Moon Baby." But a half hour later he wrote, strangely. "I'm so sad that you don't love me. You should learn to accept love. What gives? I tried and was good to you. I'd glad be with you for eternity..." and some other really strange stuff. In "real life" he had no idea how scared I was but Spirit surely was reaching out to me through him, letting me know my fear was not going unnoticed.
NONE of this has been easily believable. Try the fact that Spirit chose the moment to tell me he was moving away, on a plane that very day, to be while I was standing sleepless and stressed out in front of a room full of people in the middle of the largest training of my life. I had to stand up there and compose myself for the next two hours knowing he was headed to CA and away from me. Ha- none of this has been a cake walk.
I am just trying to work through all of this with full belief. The only thing I can say is if you have not been through a twin soul separation then you can't understand it. And a twin soul separation is not so much about physical distance as it is about emotional separation. It's not the miles- it's the total eerie silence, The inability to share your heart to them using the modes of communication you are used to: phone, text, email, Skpye- all the 3D ways we wonderfully stay connected. Instead those of us in separation are taught to send them love energy, to write to their souls, to trust in the spiritual connection.
I was re-reading some of my old channelings last night. In one of them my guidance told me that "LOVE is in control. Love." I am told to "kiss his soul" by, again, writing about him with love. It's the energy derived from my emotions- and they can ONLY be love, no fear. No doubt that I am living in a dream world. No fear that I am wasting my life, and please understand those are real fears. I am in my forties and want another child. I want a loving husband and family, and I am not getting any younger. Yet really there is nothing else I can do but follow Spirit, no matter where it leads me. If you do not know that total silence, that lack of 3D connection where anything and everything you say is overlooked and not responded to, every call goes unanswered- until the energy somehow falls into place and somehow, someway, things click back together... then you just cannot understand. But we also should not judge that which we don't understand.
I am working for that click. I had it many times before and the fact that I didn't grab on tight when I should have still haunts me. I regret that all the times we had that blessed reconnection, back when I wrote more of love than fear and doubt, I didn't just grab on, believe and reunite. But I had more learning to do, more growth, more ego to kill {obviously.}
I apologize to my dear friend for being a shit and allowing myself to be defensive and fall into ego. I wish you the absolute best in your journey and that means good health, wealth and a lifetime of full-time love and bliss with the one you love. I want you to be happy and together. You deserve it I'm sure. I have nothing but unconditional love for you. I apologize for letting you push my buttons- that is on me, not you. We all have our own journeys, and we have to be able to take the heat of being challenged while remaining in a state of grace, something I am working on perfecting. Maybe you are helping me get to that point ;)
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