Save My Life

God speaks through all of us... just many of us don't realize it.  Much of the time it is loving, to lift us, other times, because people mirror us to show us what we need to be aware of, it can hurt.  And this is why Jesus tells us to "love our enemies" because sometimes when a person hurts us it's, unfortunately, for a reason so we can see something in ourselves that we'd rather ignore.

I like this song a lot.  I usually can tell now when God is sending someone my way.  I have learned a lot in these last few years about how God's healing actually works.  Not long ago a friend from years back reached out to me.  She just thought to talk to me, and her story is so similar to mine.  Divorced now, single mom, ex paid her little attention, volatile childhood, and now she is battling becoming an alcoholic while she is trying to heal.  Coincidence that she reached out to ME- out of everyone out there she decided to contact me.  Ha!  God is amazing, right?  I have only had one SIP of alcohol since that fated afternoon, June 22, 2014.

Sometimes God works through us, speaks through us, in order to save lives.  I know God uses me as a vessel.  God also uses Joron, my twin soul, as a vessel too.

And I want to talk about that day, though, June 22, 2014.  A week earlier I had spoken to me Beloved on the phone.  The last words I spoke to him before hanging up were I asked him if we still have a future together.  He assured me that yes, yes we do.  I was relieved, said thank you, we exchanged I love yous and I hung up.  Then, because I was still battling doubt and fear HUGELY, he stayed quiet all week long.  I think I remember trying to write, one of my books, but it didn't make me feel any better.  Joron stayed quiet and it pushed me like it always did.  Resentment, anger, fear all rose up in me until come Friday I was stomping around all pissed off and hating on God, screaming at my guidance, and really really angry at Joron.  Ended up getting all lit on Saturday night from drinking wine.  Needed to get away from my kid so I hired a sitter and luckily only decided to go to the coffee shop instead of hitting a bar; I didn't want to be out to long with the sitter at home so I went to the coffee shop {probably divine intervention.} But the FEELING I had inside of me was nasty.  My Shadow coming up.  I was angry and feeling ignored.  I wanted attention.  I wanted male attention.  I was in a mood where if I had too much alcohol in me, past the point of no return, I'd do something stupid like make out with someone or even get laid.  I was feeling vile.

Instead of a bar, thank God, I hit the coffee shop and tried to write but I was a little drunk.  I wanted to flirt.  Here my poor staying single for me twin soul just told me we had a future together and I wanted male attention.  I hung out, talked with a few people, and headed out.  It was dark when I left and I had to walk to my car.  Two guys walked out of a bar and right into me, and they were kinda flirting with me.  The cute one had a ring on his finger and I thought, "Of course he's fucking married.  All the cute ones are married."  OH- I was on fire.  I remember walking past the revelry inside one of the bars thinking, "That's it- next weekend when I don't have my son I am so getting my single friend and we are going to the bar!"  I wanted to get my flirt on, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, and this is coming from someone who gets exceedingly impulsive when I have liquor in me and my ego is flaring.  Impulsive to where I could find myself out back either giving some random dude head or fucking in the back seat of a car- no kiddie heavy-petting stuff here.  I KNOW my shadow side, and it ain't pretty... and it had not been in control since before I met Joron.  Since Joron I'd calmed down, controlled myself, respected myself, and began healing from those urges.

I was thinking I wanted to get laid.  "Hell I'm pretty and can land a man- I'm tired of waiting around for this guy who keeps ignoring me!" is how I felt.  Tired of being celibate, tired of being ignored.  Tired of being GOOD, tired of trying to stay sober, tired of awakening, tired of healing, tired tired tired.  Tired of my "Winter of Purity."

I was also on the edge of recreating my self-destruction, backsliding away from all of my healing, back at square one.

Next day, Sunday, I felt vile.  I yelled at my son, hung over.  Drank at 3PM, more wine.  Trying to grill dinner tipsy, with my child around.  Fell into the fence and thought "Well my guidance surely won't like this!"  And I was SO mad.  So mad.  Bitching about the ignoring on the phone to my girlfriend, drunk, took a drag off my sister's cigarette, also in front of my child.

Pretty, hm?  Awesome spiritual mother, healing.  Great influence.  REALLY listening and trusting and knowing I am loved.  Not! It was self-destructive and ridiculous.

And then Joron reached out via email and... knocked me metaphysically upside my head SO hard that whenever I even get the urging to fall back into ego I take myself back to how it felt to open his messages and read his words.  Then I really try to temper myself and bring it all back down to earth.

So I heard this song today and it gave me pause.  The song is about God speaking through someone else, using them to "say something that might save my life."

Oh it hurt.  It HURT.  But my GOD... my God I have to only love my cute adorable OPEN TO SPIRIT twin soul for "listening" to God when God called out him and told him something that would save my life.  I was too far gone to have "loving" words work.  I had to be kicked straight on my ass, hard.  HARD.  Why?  Because I am SO damn stubborn, and because my wounds have been deep.  I had a lot of healing.  And it has not been easy.  Those old fears and shadows have popped up again and again, and only THAT, that blatant hardcore slap down, could shake the shit out of me.

But it saved my life.  Had he not reached out like that and showed me, very clearly, my own vileness reflected back to me through him as my mirror I would have just continued stewing with darkness and self-sabotage, blindly, until I found myself at a bar getting drunk and later being used by some random man, him not really caring who I am, me not really caring who *I* am, not caring about ME.

And later I would have wanted to die.  DIE.  I do love Joron and I've stayed faithful to him not only because I love him but because I cherish MYSELF.  I respect MYSELF.  I love MYSELF.  He showed me that!!!  HE DID by being so respectful and caring to me.  By just kissing me tenderly for weeks while we talked and got to know one another.  By treating me with TLC.  I do not need to be drinking and cavorting and slutting around.  Some women may be able to go from one night stand to one night stand but I am not one of those women.  Cheap sex to me feels disgusting later.  It makes me want to vomit.  Joron showed me in so many ways that I am meant to be honored and loved.  He was so patient and kind with me, my GOD.  An angel.  The way he touched me so gently and smiled into my eyes was like being loved by God. 

We were talking on the phone once, during this separation, and out of nowhere he said to me, "Do you know what I just love?  I love that you waited to sleep with me.  I love how we sat and talked and kissed while we waited.  It made it feel so special and let me know how special you are."

HELLO!?  Spirit-talk anyone???

Can you imagine how I would have felt later had I made some stupid rash decision to feed my screaming ego?  OMG!  And the drinking!  Do I need to be drinking around my kid?  NO!  Acting like an asshat?  Um, no.  NO no no.  Putting the ego-urges about male attention to the side for a moment, continuing to drink while being a single mom, lighting candles then passing out on the couch, or maybe drinking then putting my kid in the tub... um, no.  Need I say again that GOD watches out for me?  But there comes a time when we are supposed to Wake. The. Fuck. Up. {enter twin soul, right?}  God expects us to grow and become spiritually mature, and that means me not acting like a total wounded broken asshat for the rest of my life.

This has been a rough journey for me.  I've been scared of Joron since we separated; the mirroring has terrified me.  Turns out I don't like looking at some things about myself.  The mirroring hurts but it continues to show me how I feel about love, my fear, and how I need to love him, adore his memory, trust his true nature, and know fully inside that he LOVES me dearly and wants a life with me.

Allow me to say that Joron has also told me I am genuine, purely beautiful, kind, loving and wonderful.  He mirrors all my good parts too.

God has been using him to help heal me, and I'd better- BETTER- drop my poor wounded ego and move forward knowing the truth about this situation and the truth about my Beloved because he IS a dear man, a wonderful man, and I know he loves me... and he will not let me go.  I am expected to love this man and stay true to him; it is my half of our mission, and I'd better do it.  This is why we are asked to love them, these strong soul connections, no matter what.  They come to help heal us, and it can hurt.  But we gotta love through the pain because do you really think they love doing this to/for us?  No- Joron would much rather be wrapped around me in bed, kisses every night like he's always told me.  He'd much rather have soft gentle love than be separated from me, being forced by my own energy to slap the shit out of the one he loves.  I'm sure that feels just great for him! 

Not.

Dear Ones- we CAN love them through it.  It is what we, Lovers of Love, are made for.  Love, and loving.  Be loving, always, in thoughts, words and actions, especially towards your twin soul.

Been sober now since June.  Yeah me!  And thank you my dear friend, for helping me.

I do
I do
I do
Love you.