Inner Loving

Oh where do I start?  I am not updating as often because I am doing more writing in my journal.  I am still battling ego flare-ups.  I have very clear loving moments and then I have moments where I am just plain ole' pissed off for going through this experience at all.  Then I begin to feel hopeless with little faith and even less trust... and that's just not good.  That is the old programming that refuses to just die already.

I wrote a lot last night, and I caved and sent my twin soul an email telling him how I still think of him, want a life with him, find him irreplaceable and miss the love he shared with me, that unique wonderful love.  I told myself not to be disappointed if I did not hear back but of course I am hoping for a miracle around every corner.  I believe that when the time is right he will be back, and maybe I wanted to just see.  I mean every word I say, and I am NOT afraid to tell Joron I love him.  I've never felt that I can't be open with him about my feelings because I know the truth is he loves me too.  I'm just going through a very strong experience with a mission attached to it.

Not long ago someone left me a message on my blog.  It was, "Do not, I repeat DO NOT live in a dream world."  And I will agree that to most people it must seems like I am holding out for a dream, and I am.  I have too many signs and messages, and Joron showed me too much love {and soul-stuff} for me not to give it my all.

When a person normally says "I'm going to give it my all!" it means taking some special classes, getting more learning, hiring a personal trainer, going to see a Yogi, getting marital/personal counseling or something along those lines.  Something more physical.  Something that can be documents, measured, tested. When *I* am committing to "giving it my all" this means surrendering and believing in a dream.  Total faith.  Believing without seeing.  And let me tell you- it's a real bitch. I crave affirmation and I get some affirmation but it is all of Spirit, not from Joron.  I would appreciate some contact with Joron yet I am not receiving any.  It may boil down to part of my quest being total trust, totally believing, and frankly I'm not jumping for joy over it but it is what it is.  I can either face it and do my absolute best or else I can run from my quest and give up.

I am not really one for giving up- if I was I would have given up altogether and committed suicide already.  I've fought this long that I refuse to give up.  I have hard days.  Fearful days.  I miss this man so much and yet I have no solid 3D affirmation that I will ever even see him again.  In my darkest moments I realize that he is there and I am here and I have utterly no "real" control over that. I already went the route of buying a plane ticket, early on, to go see him and in the end I ate $350.00. Now if someone were to tell me "You need to make this happen!" I'd just chuckle.  Right.  There is no "making" ANYTHING happen when it comes to soul.  It just does not happen like that.  Nothing can be forced on a "reality"  3D level, and we who are immersed in real twin soul separations know this.

So MY "giving it all" means buckling down and believing in a dream.  It means being a hermit, no dating, no meeting at bars to socialize and drink, no wasting my time texting and being silly.  Instead my life consists of the necessary responsibility of a full-time day job then coming home to be a good mother.  But my mothering responsibility is flexible.  Like now he is playing while I write this. There are miles of train track stretching through my home, lol.  He's an engineering whiz at five years-old. So I have time to sit and write.  I have time after I put him to bed or when I wake early.  My job makes it so that I can whip out some thoughts, energy-shifting, throughout the day.  I have a lot of freedom in my life, and truly that is a beautiful thing for which I am very grateful.

With the freedom I need to write.  Write write write.  Not a novel.  Not for publication {although I could do that on the side if I had the desire but I don't.}  I write this blog but that is not the writing I am talking about.  The writing I am talking about it all done in my journal.  It is private and sometimes repetitive.  I went through and looked at some of my channelings.  I am told over and over and over again certain very specific things.  I am told that the ignoring does not feel good for him either, that he longs for "the mother of his kin."  To have a strong intention to write a love story, to write about my gem instead of the "monster."  That the monster feels like Hell.  Too feel his "normal not" love {meaning his love is not of this world."  I am told to defend his love, and I was even told that my gem is tortured- he is suffering.  I am told that he is fighting his monsters, that this "jilted" is killing him, that he loves ignoring me not... and this translated means he does not like ignoring me, and it makes him feel like a shit.

But think about it- he is my mirror.  So when I think, at all, that he is ignoring me to hurt me then he must feel like a meanie.  He must wonder WTF is his problem and why would he want to hurt someone as sweet as I am?  He does not understand metaphysically what is happening here.  Only I do.  I am told to "feel his love."  Gel love, to purge feeling the "nonsense" {which is the mirroring} and to have an intention of strong INNER love.  To support his Light, not kill it.  And since we are connected if I am thinking badly of me that passes to him somehow and he feels it and he feels like a jerk... when none of this is his intention.

I also have one line channeled that I don't really like but I cannot overlook: "Hillsides if gem is left inner for now."  "Hillsides" means a bright happy future.  So basically I am told to love him on the inside.  I think this means love him without expectation, without constantly hoping to hear from him- without needing something in return.  Loving him while getting no 3D affirmation of his love, or even hearing a word from him.

Period.

No worrying about him coming back.  No freaking out for not hearing from him.  Not only being willing to fight for his love if there is something in it for me in being reunited.  No only loving him hard and believing in him if I get some further affirmation that this is all real.  NOPE.  I am now expected to dive in and write, intend, set in stone the belief that he loves me and is a good person, not this shit that has been shown to me as my mirror.

Basically I guess I have been afraid of myself, and I am tired of being afraid.  At the same time I want my love back- so it can all end up in a ball of unmoveable frustration where I write nothing and instead I wallow in bitterness and end up angry with him for leaving me in the first place.

Vicious cycle, do you see?

So yes- I am living in a dream.  I am.  I am believing what I am shown and told from above over anything anyone else on earth could tell me.  I am committing to doing to work while having faith that eventually I will shift the energy enough back to love instead of fear and Spirit will ensure I hear from him again.  But in order to make that happen I have to accept the lifestyle I have which is I spend most of my free time at home writing in a journal in order to manifest my existence and bring about the future that I desire.  I have to write a lot in order to keep the energy shifted.  When left alone with JUST my thoughts- I ruin things.  I HAVE to write it out.  I must, hence the importance, for me, of writing.

Just this morning I was pondering all this.  Thinking of how he called me "Strawberry Fields" and told me he loved me and said "I want you to be mine forever."  I thought to myself "Is this insane?  I am writing my life away... am I losing it?  Is this actually going to benefit me or am I wasting my time... again, losing it?"  I had the idea to pull cards on my phone, something I rarely do.  I pulled a two-card spread and both cards came up upside down which offers a different meaning from the original intention of the card.

The first card was "Death" meaning the death of a situation, relationship, or letting go of an old belief.  A death that brings new beginnings.  If the card is upside down this means I am clinging to the old ways and refusing to let go of that which no longer serves me.  I can be from a spiritual perspective, and for me I am sure it is.  I still cling to my old fears, etc.  I know it has nothing to do with letting go of my love but instead of all my old programming, that in not fully believing I am HOLDING MYSELF BACK and holding back reunion.

The second card was very interesting.  I think it was like "The Four of Pentacles" or something.  The card shows two people outside of a church.  One is longingly looking like she wants to go in. Another is flippantly looking away in disregard.  Neither one if willing to knock on the door to ask for help. The card means being unwilling to use the help being offered to you.  Turning away from guidance.  Having no faith that the situation will work out.  BUT my card was upside down {and rarely are my card upside down.}  When upside down this card means that I am listening and willing {finally} to follow guidance, am utilizing the tools I know of to bring change.  And I HAVE been working on shifting my energy.  I have been writing about Joron's love, falling back into who he was when I knew him until the other Joron, the one from separation, no longer exists for me.

So the cards answered my question PERFECTLY!  Yes I am on the right path and when I stray and question I just push myself backwards in my progress.  Then I had the random thought of "If this is right then the next song will verify this."  And the next song was Jason Mraz "I Won't Give Up On Us" which is an important song in my journey.  If you recall, it started playing in the car once and I thought "Oh this song is for Joron" and from the back seat my son immediately said, "Ohhh mom it's Joron's song!  It's for Joron!"

So.  So.  So.  Sosososososossosososos, lol.

My mentor won't let me question any longer.  She said I have to shit or get off the twin soul pot already.  This means do my writing and intention with no reassurances for now.  Love to love.  Live in that dream land that I was so recently warned not to live in.  So I will.  I can't turn away from my Quest, and it can feel a bit solitary at times.

An old friend of mine reached out to me for help recently, not at all an accident.  She ended meeting a really sweet man a couple weeks ago, and she's been telling me about him.  He is exactly like Joron. Sweet, open with his feelings, ready to love, looking for the right woman, genuine, wants to talk on the phone and really connect instead of relying on faceless texting.  Soulful in a very human way.   It's kicking my ASS to listen to her accounts of him because it bring Joron right back to me, and my heart is just breaking.  Breaking.

I want no one else.  I have been told that it is my mission to love him so I'd better get to it.  This is why my blog will be more silent now.  I am going inner and working with my energy, keeping my heart open.

Sometimes exposing myself here on this blog does not always feel "safe" because I'm judged for following the path that was chosen for me by my Higher Self.  I know this because it's been told to me, emailed to me, and left on my blog as comments.  My deeper more personal thoughts need to be kept private and close to my heart because they are dear to me.  As I have thoughts to blog about that pop up I will share them here.

I will say that my friend from Wales, the one who read one of my forum posts about intention months ago and drew her TS to her simply through writing her intentions down in her journal... has currently shifted her energy, yet again, through writing out love.  Now they are *this* close to having a real date, one where there is already intention that it is not casual, not just friends, not to only come by and help fix something for her.  She gathered her courage and made her intent known and he made his known and they should be... well, we shall see about that.  LOL.  I am wishing her the best- her first twin soul kiss was many many years ago and this second one has been a longggg time coming.  I am sure it will be magical, but had she NOT believed then she would not be where she is today.  That should give a lot of us hope and the extra energy to move forward in what feels like living in a fantasy, one where I dream about feeling my twin soul's arms around me sometime soon.  But I have to be patient, loving, tempered and... writing for that to happen.  Joron couldn't wait to call me his girlfriend, and he loved telling me what a great girlfriend I am.  He loved coming to spend time with me and taking me places.  He enjoyed spending time with me.  And the moment our energy came back together last year he told me "Yes I think of you as my girlfriend."  I KNOW he loves me and the only thing separating us is this twin soul situation, and unfortunately the situation is NOT escapable any other way than changing energy which entails some hard inner work, dedicating and a willingness to listen.

XXOO

~Rosie